Being in a relationship means you can come home and totally info-dump unguarded about whatever weird thing you’re contemplating and the person opposite you will be happy you’re there and delighted that you’re happy or sad with you if you’re sad. It also means you do this for the other person with genuine interest. I don’t call that “small talk”.
do you think freewill truly exists?
Submitted 11 months ago by Goku@sh.itjust.works to [deleted]
https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/86346738-f24e-4e23-b781-4c7c87afbf08.png
Comments
partial_accumen@lemmy.world 11 months ago
VitoRobles@lemmy.today 11 months ago
This is it.
My wife comes home and fires on all cylinders about her day. Then I share how much my one coworker sucks and what they did today.
Then we wonder about the heat death of the universe.
untakenusername@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
no ofc not
youve got the illusion of it, but you cant control if you will move away from a flame or when you feel sleepy
and the rest of your thoughts are just funky chemical
scytale@lemm.ee 11 months ago
Because the statement is incomplete. It should be “hate small talk with certain people or strangers”. You can hate small talk with most people but at the same time talk with your spouse for hours.
Gutek8134@lemmy.world 11 months ago
That’s the casual conversations of my DnD party
wpb@lemmy.world 11 months ago
“Such weather we’re having huh?”
Truly peak romance
ameancow@lemmy.world 11 months ago
The current state of society is: “Ugh I can’t believe this cashier is talking about the weather when I’m in a hurry to get back on the internet to complain about how lonely I am and how hard it is to make friends and date.”
wpb@lemmy.world 11 months ago
You’re probably joking, but know that there’s a subset of us that gets pathologically anxious and confused by small talk. Autistic people for example. Different folks, different strokes. Not everyone deals well with talking about the weather, and that’s ok. There’s billions who do deal well with it, and that’s ok too! Be a mensch and talk to them instead.
Zenith@lemm.ee 11 months ago
But at least it’s a conversation you can work with “oh yeah it’s so nice we should go do X” or “yeah it’s crazy out there, we should stay in and watch a movie and snuggle” the point of small talk is to open avenues of conversation… I think people just don’t know how to have conversations anymore and chalk it up to “not liking small talk”
ameancow@lemmy.world 11 months ago
People will also say something stupid about the weather or news or whatever just because they want to express to you that they’re friendly and open to converse. Ignoring “small talk” from a stranger is like actively rejecting someone’s desire to connect.
Which is fine, if you’re as antisocial and spiteful against “casual life” like everyone in this post is pretending to be and you love it and you’re happy, that’s great. Say “just put it in the bag” and get out of there.
The problem is most of these people who act like people talking about “last night’s game” are NPC’s in the Matrix and they would NEVER stoop to the level of talking about sports or weather… are the same people who will race home to post their manifestos about how lonely they are and how society is crumbling and how they wish they lived somewhere walkable with community and how hard dating is.
Our cognitive dissonance as a species is maxing out.
lunarul@lemmy.world 11 months ago
we should go do X
we should stay in and watch a movie and snuggle
That’s not small talk, that’s planning what to do today. You can open the same conversation with “hey, what do you want to do today?”
dragonfucker@lemmy.nz 11 months ago
the point of small talk is to open avenues of conversation
If you’re married to someone, all avenues of conversation should be open the minute you’ve both said hi. If you need to talk about the weather before you decide what to get for dinner, with your spouse, then your marriage is a failure.
krashmo@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I think it’s more about your expectation from interactions with strangers. I will tolerate a ton of weather talk from my wife but if the guy taking my order at 5 Guys tries the same thing it’s not going to be as well received.
ameancow@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Lotta folks on both sides of this conversation who have never been in a long-term relationship.
vala@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Literally yes.
Shardikprime@lemmy.world 11 months ago
SendMePhotos@lemmy.world 11 months ago
What about how the left and right brain can operate independently when split?
Signtist@lemm.ee 11 months ago
My wife and I will sit in the same room for hours and never speak a word to each other. We only talk when we have something to say, and we’re both happy with that relationship. My sister thinks we’re crazy, but we like it quiet.
Gloomy@mander.xyz 11 months ago
My steppairents are like this and beeing them, at a meal table and have nobody say anything for 20 Minutes is so fucking wired. I am getting used to it, but it’s still off as fuck.
MinorLaceration@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I’m interested to know the dynamic that causes two step parents to be together like that. Is it one parent and one step parent or a step parent that remarried and now you have a step step parent?
match@pawb.social 11 months ago
if you’re in a relationship you can just hug instead of small talk
Sabata11792@ani.social 11 months ago
Bold of you to assume I can form and maintain a relationship.
NONE_dc@lemmy.world 11 months ago
When I say “I hate small talk” I actually mean “please Shut up, Im really anxious and I don’t know what to respond to you other that nodding and «Thats crazy»”
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 11 months ago
Understandable. And relatable.
ameancow@lemmy.world 11 months ago
When most people say “I hate small talk” it’s because they don’t socialize broadly and don’t really “get” how it works, and how it’s often just a way of expressing how you feel at that moment, and when two people are making small-talk, it’s less about the information being shared and more about the tone, intimacy and connection, like sharing space and being open with passing thoughts.
People in a healthy relationship will “small talk” for hours about the weather or pizza prices, and then launch into a deep debate about post-modernism and expressionist art, which will dissolve as one or both get distracted by the pizza finally arriving.
When someone says “I hate small talk” it just reveals they have no understanding how human connection actually works.
mr_satan@lemm.ee 11 months ago
I hate small talk, because you (a stranger) do not interest me and I don’t care about trying to connect with you. I have neither the need nor the energy to try and am very comfortable just being in silence.
I small talk with people that I interact on a daily basis and need to communicate with (coworkers). Even then it heavily depends on how much energy I have.
I small talk with my friends and SO because I want to connect. So I put effort in to be present in the conversations.
It’s not right to lump small talk with a cashier, cab driver or a haircutter together with small talk with a friend or a partner.
CosmicTurtle0@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 months ago
Small talk is the human equivalent to the initialization/handshake phase of the TCP protocol.
It establishes the connection, introduces the speakers, validates the presence of the other, and then allows data transmission to take place.
Unlike computers, we humans require years of practice to get it correct because there isn’t one set standard.
NONE_dc@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Pal you actually sounds like someone who really HATES small talk, Jesus…
the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 11 months ago
There is nothing wrong with silence, also my partner and I always have something to talk about that isn’t small talk. We have been together for 22 yrs. We have a lifetimes worth of shared experiences to converse about.
obvs@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I don’t think it matters.
I honestly don’t think it’s a meaningful question.
deranger@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
Yeah, this literally is how it works, like to a T.
YoFrodo@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Man I really hate AI ‘upscaled’ images like this. It still looks bad! A JPEG artifact image and an AI ‘shitscaled’ image are both shit, just in different ways.
the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 11 months ago
And upscaling and image of text of all things, you could write out the text in less time than it would take to do this dumb upscaling shit.
Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.org 11 months ago
Small talk is the equivalent of dogs sniffing each others ass. The topic isn’t really the point, it’s just a quick and easy way to gauge another person’s mood and attitude towards you. It’s a skill worth developing. And I say this as someone with social anxiety.
deaf_fish@lemm.ee 11 months ago
So small talk is a horrible name then.
Could one, instead, just ask “Hey, are you willing to get into a big deep metaphysical conversation right now?”
supersquirrel@sopuli.xyz 11 months ago
small talk
Personally I think it is very interesting and purely object oriented name.
lobut@lemmy.ca 11 months ago
I think the analogy is a bit crude but quite bang on.
I think it’s a good skill too and I have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety.
spankmonkey@lemmy.world 11 months ago
But most people who are invested in small talk will be giving the signals they think the other person wants, making it less useful than not talking at all.
This is coming from someone who learned how to do small talk, watches other people completely flip their personality the moment they are out of the small talk, and only uses it when necessary because everyone else does. I do avoid common topics I have no interest in, like watching sports, and avoid getting into the weeds of topics and that works well enough for anyone I would want to talk to later.
exasperation@lemm.ee 11 months ago
But most people who are invested in small talk will be giving the signals they think the other person wants, making it less useful than not talking at all.
I don’t think this is true. When I engage in small talk, I don’t see it as me bending flexibly to the conversation partner’s wants. I’m testing to see if there are common overlaps that we can talk about, and talking for the sake of being entertained. If the other person turns out not to be a good conversation partner for me in that moment, I don’t think anything of just moving on. I’m not trying to please them, I’m trying to enjoy myself.
I can’t imagine I’m in the minority here.
Sibshops@lemm.ee 11 months ago
Legally, yes. Deterministicly, maybe.
solsangraal@lemmy.zip 11 months ago
“i just don’t think this relationship is going to work. i need more small talk.”
“…the fuck? ok, bye”
zqwzzle@lemmy.ca 11 months ago
Silence is bliss while doing your own hobbies together.
saltnotsugar@lemm.ee 11 months ago
Hey baby I brought home some dinner-
“Husband. Thy presence brings thoughts of philosophical questions.”
Alright. I’m just gonna eat this burrito though.exasperation@lemm.ee 11 months ago
I’m just gonna eat this burrito though.
But pray tell doth the burrito quality as a sandwich
spankmonkey@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Alright. I’m just gonna eat this burrito though.
But is that becsuse you are choosing to, or because of destiny?
Initiateofthevoid@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 months ago
It’s because the burrito is getting cold.
LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 months ago
Well see life itself is a burrito. If you don’t make sure you have cheese and sour cream, well seasoned proteins, beans the way you like, delicious rice, maybe a bit of salsa and always hot sauce it just isn’t fulfilled.
Some people are happy with spicier sarcasm in their lives, others more mild. But if you don’t have a good foundation to wrap it all up in it’ll fall to pieces.
It’s not deep, it’s just a burrito
Kichae@lemmy.ca 11 months ago
“Look, I told you yesterday, I don’t care. Whatever I said the first time we had this discussion, today, on the 937th time, I no longer give a shit.”
sfxrlz@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 months ago
Small talk != big talk
Bonsoir@lemmy.ca 11 months ago
I would even say: Big talk > small talk
Plebcouncilman@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
Yep.
BallShapedMan@lemmy.world 11 months ago
My wife asks how my day was “great, or good, or whatever” then I ask how her day was she usually stops talking before bedtime. Works for both of us!
exu@feditown.com 11 months ago
These kinds of philosophical questions are easily defeated by asking “does it matter though?”
spankmonkey@lemmy.world 11 months ago
“It does if you are mad about me cheating on you.”
PunnyName@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Old friend of mine: “Will this matter at my funeral?”
shneancy@lemmy.world 11 months ago
it may not matter at all, but we’re here, somehow, made of sentient flesh, kept on a giant rock hurling through space, spinning around an enormous buring ball of fire. it’s all bizarre and none of us knows what is going on, so why not take some time out of the lives we live as statistical abnormalities, and just ponder on the whys and hows and whats of the things around us, and our own minds
Valmond@lemmy.world 11 months ago
A continous nuclear explosion even.
ALoafOfBread@lemmy.ml 11 months ago
I guess, if they answer “No” or “Yeah your simple rebuttal has made me realize the problem of free will is nbd actually”.
But if they say “Yes. It does matter.” Then suddenly it isn’t defeated and you’d need to provide a compelling argument for it not mattering.
running_ragged@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I don’t think that defeats it at all, it just changes the direction of the conversation and is as deeply philosophical as the first. Some might say life goes on with or without free will so it doesn’t matter, other say that the a societal acceptance of the absence of free will removes the burden of guilt, and could reshape society in very profound ways, so of course it matters.
deranger@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
a societal acceptance of the absence of free will removes the burden of guilt
Those cops, judges, lawyers, jail guards etc also don’t have free will, so while maybe the burden of guilt is gone, the legal repercussions still would exist all the same.
cattywampas@lemm.ee 11 months ago
There is value in asking the question and in the consideration itself. Even if we never find the answer, it’s good for our brains to think about these things. Knowledge, and the search for it, has value in itself. We don’t always need to do something with it.
Korne127@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Like yeah, exactly. With the right person, you can talk for hours and hours about all kinds of stuff that interests you.
Strider@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Indeed I can confirm.
Just a few days ago I pondered the life of plants and asked my wife how she thinks the death of a plant is defined if for animals (including humans of course) it’s mostly the heartbeat.
So when is a plant dead?
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 11 months ago
When you see its little planty soul waft up to heaven.
M137@lemmy.world 11 months ago
For hours, every day, for years or decades? That has never happened.
Takios@discuss.tchncs.de 11 months ago
with the right person you can also be quiet with for hours
Aviscii@lemmy.world 11 months ago
This! Silence is so much better than unnecessary and forced talking
ameancow@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Absolutely, but you don’t get to that point by not ever “small talking” along the way. Small-talk is how we express to each other how we feel, how we want to be talked to, what we notice around us and so on. It’s a critical component to socializing. Conversations between human beings doesn’t play out narratively like in media and movies, there’s no “point” to conversing with someone you’re close to, you’re just sharing shit.
PunnyName@lemmy.world 11 months ago
But also meaningless bullshit. That does not denote a bad relationship.
Kacarott@aussie.zone 11 months ago
The way I understand “Smalltalk” is not whether the subject matter is “serious enough” but rather whether either party actually has any interest in it, or if it is a polite nicety to avoid awkward silence.
Discussing the weather in a car ride with a coworker is smalltalk, contemplating with a friend how one might conquer the world using ant-controlling super powers is not.
jballs@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
Exactly. I can’t remember where I heard this - it might have been a podcast like RadioLab or something else - but it was talking about how happily married, intelligent couples talk to each other .
It turns out, it’s not usually super deep, intelligent conversations. The vast majority of conversations are just meaningless bullshit. Most of the time, couples aren’t even really talking to each other, but they’re just kind of thinking aloud. Stupid stuff like, “I swear I saw a dozen blue Volkswagens today.”
It turns out that people who are comfortable with each other don’t need to have deep conversations all the time. They can just relax, unwind, and be themselves.
LanguageIsCool@lemmy.world 11 months ago
[deleted]essell@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Small stuff doesn’t really interest me, or my partner.
Doesn’t mean we’re incapable of discussing dinner plans or cleaning schedules.
yesman@lemmy.world 11 months ago
So this person thinks they can choose small talk? curious.
FelixCress@lemmy.world 11 months ago
More like “hi honey, I’m home, would you fancy a quick fuck”?