Submitted 10 months ago by Stamets@lemmy.world to [deleted]
https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/faedadad-2c8a-4f83-8350-d75cf6a9c5c4.jpeg
It’s minimal how you can change other people. But you can change your own environment, actions and worldview. Even though it might take a long time for your body, nervous system and brain to change and adapt.
Even if your parents want to change themselves for the benefit of your health, it might not be possible for them. But you might be able to help them by changing yourself, and then indirectly change their environment.
That thing you like doing that makes you feel better? Stop it.
Instead do this thing that is tedious/boring that you never forward to.
Eventually you will fool yourself into enjoying this boring/tedious task and trick your brain into releasing dopamine when you perform it.
I was still a kid. At my first session I opened up hard. I spoke nonstop for the whole hour.
When I was walking out I asked them “now what?” And they replied “Now it’s a long battle”.
That stuck with me.
Did it help you?
Oof. Hard to say. I did it for so long and so early in life that I’m not even sure what would have happened had I not done it.
I don’t like mental meds though. Didn’t then. And I don’t think any of them ever helped me. They have always either from making me extremely risky behavior prone or just numb where the days blend together and months go by in the blink of an eye.
Please remember to bring exact change next time.
“No one else can do the work for you.”
This is the best response.
Elon Musk enters the chat room
a therapist I had helped me rethink problems in terms of pragmatically adjusting my environment or conditions to nudge my behaviors rather than relying on willpower or behavioral changes that were slow or simply not happening
a small example was moving my computer out of my bedroom and developing a night-time routine that included reading a book before bed to help reduce compulsive computer use
realizing I am somewhat deterministic in my behavior, and my behavior is caused by conditions I have some influence over, was a helpful insight and got me past just constantly failing to live up to my expectations for myself and never moving past that - I can treat my psychological problems like puzzles to solve
realizing I am somewhat deterministic in my behavior
So you are like this:
Sorry, I know that the joke is terrible, but I had to bring it.
Can confirm - switching my approach to changing my conditioning rather than directly trying to change my behaviors through sheer will, I’ve actually managed to make some progress for the first time in what feels like years. Take it slow, step by step - you don’t have to change everything about your environemnt all at once - it might even be counterproductive. And in a few months you start to notice an accumulation of changes in your behavior.
I also kinda feel this corraborates my suspicion that conciousness is not as conciouss as we like to give it (ourselves, really) credit.
I had to self-teach myself that once I hit adulthood. Things like “if left to pay a bill at some specified time (not immediately), I will fail. So all bills go on autopay.” It’s burned me a few times, but not nearly as often as constantly being burned with late fees and such.
Also, when my wife met me, she met someone who led a Spartan existence, with all my no-furniture belongings fitting in a piece of luggage. She thought it was preference, and completely blew off me constantly complaining about clutter and mess in the house. Once I explained (ten years in) that I can’t have many things without it becoming a huge unmitigated mess (like having “pathways” through the clutter), so having a whole lot of stuff is shitting on my coping mechanisms and stressing me out, making me constantly uncomfortable in my own home. She understood, and stopped giving me shit for it… not that it changed the clutter, but at least when i complain I don’t get hand-waved, I get an apology. Which is something, I guess (until I snap and the dumpster and donation center get a ton of bags).
+1 learning to parent yourself
A really big part of therapy is learning how to communicate what happened, what is happening, and what you are feeling.
It takes a lot of time to organize it all into words that another person would understand, and doing so helps you.
The therapist might aslo reccomend what to do going forward but 9/10 times you already know that.
If you think you picked a bad partner because there’s something wrong with you because of how you were parented, actually a bad partner sought you out because they saw those vulnerabilities in you.
Be the leaf
It’s ok to look back at a painful event and have empathy for that younger person, then you can either stay there or accept any wisdom to be learned and write the next chapter but you can’t live in both places at once.
Learn to identify what you’re feeling.
This, big time.
One thing that helped me: I went out and found a list online of emotional descriptor words and, while journaling, I’d start my entries listing the emotions I felt in the moment and elaborate on them individually.
I struggle hard to verbalize my thoughts in general, but emotions (especially strong & conflicted ones) can be overwhelming to verbalize!
Allow yourself to feel something first.
What is is an anchor for what can be.
That one’s from Adam Savage
Also, know that you have no control over the choices of others.
Oh you can have control
You got to get that Monopoly on violence.
“JulieLemming announces they will be running for the next presidential race”
Whisper posts shudders
If a friend of mine thinks we’re due for a revolution, but isn’t going to start anything unilaterally. Does that constitute “a danger to himself or others”?
A danger to fascists presumably, which I’d say is a good thing
Not if your therapist tells the fascists!
perhaps they’re being realistic?
a revolution is really over due and not just in the US, mind you but whoever starts one is prone to being hunted down and used as an example…
Inside every man are two wolves…
Not even kidding. I had a therapist tell me this story once. I promptly found a new therapist.
Did you get GPT Therapisted?
This was in January of 2023, right when chat gpt was becoming popular. So it’s possible, but I think it was just a crappy therapist, it was free through my employee benefits
Yes its *possible, but not plausible_
Best advice I got about my all time present self criticism was:“Imagine the self criticism or self hate in the voice of someone you don’t like and don’t respect. Donald Trump for example.”
It makes the voice in my head that says:“You are a worthless piece of shit.” entertaining at least.
You are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. So just like when you have a coworker or classmate that you don’t like but must work with, you just have to get a working relationship going where you can get stuff done and not fight.
Try to not get annoyed at yourself, reward good behavior, be kind even when you don’t deserve it, be the bigger person etc.
There has never been a more worthless piece of shit and let me tell you I know everything about shit and being worthless someone I know and they are very smart told me that you are the best worthless piece of shit they’ve ever seen and there has never been a shittier piece of worthless ever and I would know.
“If someone met your expectations would you be mad?”
“No”
“Then maybe your expectations are too high?”
Was that supposed to be ‘did not meet your expectations’, or was your therapist on something that day? Cuz I have no idea how not being mad at expectations being met means they’re too high.
I had anger issues and was mad all the time at the dumbest things. The problem was my expectations were unrealistic. By changing my expectations I’ve solved almost all of my anger issues.
A simple example is teenagers are going to break rules. By not expecting them to be perfect I don’t get angry. That doesn’t mean the behavior is acceptable and will go unaddressed. Just expect they’ll break the rules and be ready for it when they do is all.
Set boundaries and enforce them.
you don’t need a therapist to teach you how to be selfish and sociopathic. western culture does that just fine on its own.
Pain is relative. Yes other people may have it worse than you. The worst pain you’ve felt in your life is still the worst, for you. So don’t write it off so easily.
More generally, feelings do not care about facts. We must accept how we feel, even if those feelings don’t “make sense”. Trying to reason with feelings is a fools errand.
That doesn’t mean we can’t change how we feel. It just doesn’t happen by denying reality.
I love this! Thank you ❤️
Someone, not a therapist, told me pain isn’t a competition. I don’t have to wait for my pain to be worse than the pain of the people around me before I go get help for myself.
In this case, I had physical pain I put off getting checked because it wasn’t worse than what why partner deals with daily. Turned out I needed antibiotics for a bad infection.
“You don’t have to be mad at yourself for that any more”
“What good does worrying about that part of your past do your current self?”
“Come on, now. You know that’s not true”
"Don’t reply to messages from your ex’
Thanks, I needed that.
I hear these and I’ve had some therapy but I don’t know how to believe the lines and not dwell.
Therapy isn’t a single sentence, and we talked over these things for weeks for me to get to this place. It also had to come from me, one thing I talked about is that dwelling on misery/mistakes is, for me anyway, a guilty pleasure and a little addictive, so I had to be truly sick of living that way and genuinely want the change in my heart of hearts.
“You don’t have to be mad at yourself for that any more”
“What good does worrying about that part of your past do your current self?”
For these ones I don’t really have control over that. My brain gets itself all worked up before I have any say in the matter.
These are some of the most common problems people seek therapy for, and there are several methods therapists teach to address these, such as meditation and mindfulness. It takes practice, but they have a lot of potential to help with intrusive, snowballing thoughts. You can practice anytime and mostly anywhere, but doing it is the hard part.
“When you’re fighting with someone, think of it as tug-of-war. You choose how long you hold that rope, but you can put it down, or not even pick it up. Either way, neither of you are really going anywhere until one of you chooses to walk away.”
There’s a member of my family I strongly dislike, so I had to work on not taking the bait.
Get a hobby, get outside. Doesn’t have to cost much either.
Sometimes in the summer I go to the beach before work and cook my breakfast there on a camping stove burning driftwood as fuel.
“lmao”
I won at therapy a few months ago. My doctor threw up his hands and went “I don’t know how to tell you. Your situation is so fucked up that I can’t even offer advice. Just keep on keeping on, I guess.” And that actually made me feel better.
you’re here and that’s a good thing
Look at that ! It kinda makes me feel a little better, too !
Headspace app, omega 3 supplements, amphetamine, CPAP machine
(…) just take your meds
Philharmonic3@lemmy.world 10 months ago
If you can’t stop thinking about the worst possible outcome, try imagining the opposite. A nice and comfortable situation that makes you happy. To take up space in your thoughts and orient you towards more pleasant emotions
shekau@lemmy.today 10 months ago
Shitty low-quality advice tbh
pr0sp3kt@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 months ago
Eh? How it will change the outcome?
Philharmonic3@lemmy.world 10 months ago
It’s not about changing the outcome, it’s about stopping anxiety. This advice was given to me for use when feeling anxiety that is debilitating about a potential worst-case scenario which is usually unrealistic
Lv_InSaNe_vL@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Outcomes are rarely determined by your own thoughts about the situation.
It’s like being anxious about driving because you’re worried someone is going to hit you. As long as you’re being safe and careful, being an anxious mess isn’t going to make you any safer and it can even make things worse.
Of course I’m not trying to say “just stop being anxious!” but you have to understand that only ever thinking about the worst case scenario will hinder far more progress than it will help.
CaptainCodeine@lemm.ee 10 months ago
LaW oF aTtRaCtIoN