My boyfriend feels weird about sleeping over at my place because I live with my parents. How can I help him loosen up?

Submitted ⁨⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨feelthepop@sh.itjust.works⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

I’m 20F, he’s 25M. We met in January and have been dating since last month. He’s already met my parents - they love him, and he hangs out at our house all the time. Literally no one has any issues with him, he’s super welcome here. I invited him to sleep over for a few days this week just for fun, but he said he’s not comfortable with it - apparently it feels too “intimate” for him? Like, he’s got this thing about doing private stuff with other people around. I just want him to relax a bit. We’re all adults here, and everyone knows people have private lives. How can I help him feel more okay with it?

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orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I am not sure why everyone here isn’t seeing the obvious. You’re 20 and live at home. He’s 25 and is a guy. You’ve been together for 4 weeks. 30 days.

Your parents don’t “love” him. They are just tolerant and probably happy he’s not an awful goober.

You are a love-stuck 20 year old and may potentially not be picking up on cues or grasp the nuances of parenting and having an adult offspring in the house.

He’s a guy, 25, and has likely heard his share of mischaracterizations from parents, or possibly been in a situation where he got caught sleeping over as a teenager… Or any other number of things fresh in his head from also being young.

Neither of you have true license over this relationship while you’re not a fully autonomous person. Sleeping over at your place is going to feel weird at 30 days or 3 years if you live with your parents.

Give the guy a break. It’s not a comfortable situation.

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- drmoose@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Unless they come from a culture where living with your parents is absolutely normal which is surprisingly still very common.
  
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  - KumaSudosa@feddit.dk ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    In that case it wouldn’t be that common to have a “casual” boyfriend coming to sleep over after a month though
    
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- cdf12345@lemmy.zip ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Oh man this ^
  
  Perfect response
  
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- CrayonDevourer@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  
  love-stuck
  
  Love-struck.
  
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  - orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Typo: as in, I was slapping keys at 6:45am and couldn’t see.
    
    Thanks.
    
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- Etterra@discuss.online ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  This is probably the best response. Just chill and he’ll be fine.
  
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- FireRetardant@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I’d argue comfort could come after more time together in the right circumstances. Many couples choose to live with one sides parents to save money given the housing shortage many countries are facing. The catch is, this typically only works when both the parents and the couple are respectful of each others privacy and boundaries. This often equates to turning a basement into an apartment with sperate bathroom and kitchen/kitchenette.
  
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  - orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    She’s 20. Two years ago she was in high school, friend.
    
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- WhyJiffie@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  
  paying your own rent and having your own place
  
  slightly off topic, but this is a contradiction. if you are paying rent, that is not your own place.
  
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  - orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Can you just not.
    
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  - agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    It is in the ways that matter here. “Own” here refers to being independent from your parents specifically, not property ownership.
    
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shaggyb@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
You should really move out or stay at his place when you want to fuck. He doesn’t need to regress into your childhood.

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- sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml ⁨56⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
  No one said anything about sex?
  
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Fleur_@aussie.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
You’ve been dating a month? I’d say what you can do to “help” him is date him for about 6 months and see how things stand then.

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Migmog@lemm.ee ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Ask your parents to sleep in the same bed as you two for the first few nights. It’ll calm everyone down and help build trusting relationship bonds. If you need a bigger bed, I recommend the California king or Sultan bed size.

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- socsa@piefed.social ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Yes, I've seen this one before. You start with a nice safe game of "who's in my mouth?" And then once everyone is warm, you work your way up to ranked competitive sex. Before you know it everyone is too tired to be embarrassed.
  
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- LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  California king is smaller than a regular king actually! Alaska king is bigger though
  
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  - exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    It’s a California Kong, which is two California kings tied together with gorilla leather.
    
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  - Dashi@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    For us tall people the California king is bigger in all the right places
    
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  - Migmog@lemm.ee ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Diddy king is best of all! Didn’t forget to remind daddy to bring some hallucinogenic laced baby oil. This helps build rapport and loving bonds of familial love and respect! Diddy Kiddy King!
    
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  - SolOrion@sh.itjust.works ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    It’s taller, but not as wide.
    
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Mothra@mander.xyz ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
You don’t. I feel for him. He just needs time and you have to understand some people need their privacy and there is no amount of time spent together that can change that. I’m one of those people. I’d be equally tense with a friend’s family or my in laws if I had them, no matter how much I like them, no matter how well we get along.

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- CatDogL0ver@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I don’t know where the 4 weeks and 30 days comes from since now it is June and they met in January . The rest are all true.
  
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  - Reyali@lemm.ee ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    It comes from OP: “We met in January and have been dating since last month.” (Emphasis mine.)
    
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  - p_consti@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    You replied to the wrong comment I believe
    
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XeroxCool@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I hate being at my inlaws’ for an extended period of time (hours). My spouse hates being at my parents’ in the same time period. You can both have totally normal, comfortable nights at your own parents’ place but find the experience entirely foreign and unsettling at the others’. The type of soap, the number of towels, the default amount of noise, the temperature, the forced formal interactions, the TV shows, the time of dinner, the existence of any activity other than your usual quiet night in, everything. Not wanting to be a disturbance in someone else’s place. Being under a foreign set of rules. Just everything.

Do you feel normal sleeping over an aunt/uncle’s place? A friend’s parents’ place? A hotel? A hostel?

I lived WITH my inlaws for a year. Still can’t stand it. Grateful for the financial relief at the time, but still uncomfortable enough to keep me driven to in debt myself with my own place ASAP.

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JoMiran@lemmy.ml ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I have been with my wife for thirty years and we’re still not comfortable having sex with her parents in the house.

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- SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Is that the only place you’re not comfortable having sex with her parents?
  
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  - JoMiran@lemmy.ml ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    The car isn’t that great either if I’m being honest.
    
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- Diddlydee@feddit.uk ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  You can read that sentence a number of ways.
  
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  - naught101@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Like, with the parents listening, or with them reciting it with you?
    
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HikingVet@lemmy.ca ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
This is like dealing with a fart. Force to hard and you’ll shit your pants. Best to let it work itself out.

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- naught101@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Is there any situation for which a fart is not a perfect metaphor?
  
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bitjunkie@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It sucks that what you both want isn’t compatible, but you don’t really have much of a choice but to respect his boundaries. A gentle nudge in the right direction as others have suggested probably wouldn’t hurt, but just make sure you check in with him about it and he knows you’re not nagging or trying to pressure him to do something he isn’t (yet) comfortable with.

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- HakunaHafada@lemm.ee ⁨43⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
  Absolutely this. Patience and respecting boundaries.
  
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Zenith@lemm.ee ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
He’s right to feel uncomfortable because it’s inappropriate. My kids are 19 and 21 and while I am hopeful/happy for them to have intimate adult relationships they find fulfilling I don’t have any interest in those relationships happening under my roof with what is essentially a stranger. My son has been in a relationship with a nice young woman for about a year and a half and while I would have no issue with them sharing a room I wouldn’t want my 19 year old sharing her room with a freshly found boyfriend or vice versa, it is intimate and I care about the quality of my kids relationships and if they’re dating someone who doesn’t respect that I don’t want causal sex going on in my house I don’t know how quality this person they’re dating even is… for me, as the parent in this situation is that this feels way too much like casual sex which I feel isn’t in most people’s best interests. Hook up else where and figure it out six months down the road

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- DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  That’s because Zenith is being a weird dork that thinks their adult children aren’t their own people, OP, don’t mind them.
  
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  - Hacksaw@lemmy.ca ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Yeah. Young adults are going to have sex.
    
    They can have sex in the safe home where they live. Or they can have sex in less safe places like parties, frat houses, in cars where they can collect a public indecency charge, etc…
    
    That’s the choice you get to make as a parent.
    
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SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I’m like him at my girlfriends place too. I’d be shocked if anything helps. Maybe just time.

But also I’m a particularly reserved person. The only time I’m comfortable is in her room, if the door is locked. Or in a more organised setting like having a meal (this is actually more bearable than comfortable). I’d rather just leave the house or be at my own place.

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HubertManne@piefed.social ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Oh man. If you were 25 and he was 30 this would not be as much of a deal but I can see why he feels wierd about it. This is just an aspect of life. When your younger small age differences are more significant and more so if your living independently. Honestly even when your older its wierd with the parent child thing. It goes in reverse to. You have a single parent dating and the date spends the night and it can be wierd for the person not part of the household. I personally think you need to accept it and just see if he eventually gets to where he can manage doing it. I mean he is a guy so if the offer is on the table he will get around to mentioning it if he thinks he can handle it.

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Acamon@lemmy.world ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Do you know what part is “too intimate”? Is it sleeping over in general, do you stay at his? Is it the awkwardness of your parents being around? Or, with intimate / all adults / private lives are you really talking about him not being comfortable having sex with his girlfriend in her parents house?

All of those are pretty normal, but can probably be resolved in different ways. E.g if he just likes his own space, maybe starting with a single night staying over makes more sense than a few days, and at the weekend so it’s not disrupting his schedule or whatever he worries about.

If it’s the sex one, I’d recommend a bit of empathy. Some people are really relaxed about sex and others are not. And as a guy, if I’m worrying about someone hearing us, how much noise the bed is making, etc it can be pretty hard to get in the mood and some guys can be worried about not being able ‘to perform’ especially when you’re both young and only been dating a short time. And it’s not as easily brushed aside as “don’t worry about it, they don’t care” once my mind is focused on what someone downstairs might be hearing and thinking, I’m not in the moment any more.

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- feelthepop@sh.itjust.works ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I sleep over at his place (he lives alone). I guess it’s a combination of my parents being around + the sex part. Basically him + me sleeping together in my bedroom in the same house as my parents makes it “too obvious” that we’re intimate to my parents (in his mind) and he finds that weird. Feels… ashamed? Plus obvious stressed about sounds and stuff. Pff, hard to describe it into words. Optics, I guess?
  
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  - WeirdGoesPro@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Another way to look at this is that you are lucky he isn’t the sort of guy to nail your hips to the mattress while forcing you to scream daddy as your biological father shifts uncomfortably next to his morning coffee at the breakfast table.
    
    Dude has normal boundaries, if one of you has a private place, that is where you should be staying. I’m honestly curious as to why you want him to stay at your parents place when he has a perfectly usable apartment for both of you.
    
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  - Acamon@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    If its important to you, and you’re capable of having grown-up conversations as a couple, then there’re probably lots of ways to figure it out. Start by taking the pressure completely off by telling him that you understand that it makes him uncomfortable and you’d never want to pressure him into something he’s not fully consenting to (can you imagine if it was a 20F posting that her older boyfriend keeps trying to push her to have sex in a situation she feels uncomfortable in?)
    
    Then try and find out what is actually the source of the issue for him, and if he wants to, work on that. If he deep down struggles to believe that your parents are cool with this guy banging their can’t-even-drink-in-a-bar* aged daughter then maybe your parents have to be more direct about giving their approval. I had a gf who’s parents had noisy sex when we were staying over and whose dad made super weird jokes like “we want her back in one piece <wink>” when we said goodnight. It was deeply awkward, but I certainly didn’t worry about them judging us for having sex.
    
    Similarly, if it just makes him feel self-conscious and that doesn’t make him feel very sexy, maybe you can start doing (consensual) minor sex stuff during the day while he’s visiting. Or spend time during the day watching TV or chatting in your bedroom with the door shut. And once he’s confortable spending time in your bed and in private, and he sees that your parents don’t judge him even though you could have been having sex, it’ll be easier to accept an overnight. And tbh, when staying in someone else’s house it’s much easier it have sex during the day when people are busy and there’s noise from TVs and stuff, than at night when any noise feels very obvious.
    
    But the main thing is to respect each other’s boundaries, and realise that some things take time.
    
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socsa@piefed.social ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
It's funny, when I was in high school and college, I felt a great sense of pride in "conquering" my partner's home, but as a married adult it does give me some mild ick to get frisky in the guest bed. I mean I still will, but there's definitely a loss of enthusiasm and willingness to do certain things.

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wjrii@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
As everyone else has said, this is a pretty normal hangup, and if it’s really where you plan to live for the foreseeable future, only time will wear down the edges of that anxiety. It sounds like your parents raised you to be very open and you have an honest relationship with them and open invitation to live with them until you find a path that takes you elsewhere. Frankly, that’s great. My own daughter is a pre-teen but honestly I think we’re on a fairly similar path, but that’s more because it’s what feels like the right thing to do and the right way to treat someone, compared to the arbitrarily rigid households my wife and I grew up in. It doesn’t make make it magically not-alien.

It’s only been a month and he likely grew up in a different style of household. Honestly, in the US at least, the communities that most commonly do multi-generational living are very much not the ones okay with unmarried partners staying over. That’s a pretty significant cultural disconnect, and it’s going to be a while before he gets over it and truly believes that your parents are as okay with it as you claim. It’s probably going to require them to be almost comically over the top about it being okay (which has its own social hazards, LOL), or else it’s going to require baby steps. A trip together could help, as someone else mentioned. Or, a movie night that runs long and he stays in a spare bedroom. Eventually, with exposure and with a relationship between the two of you that proves to be solid over time, he may come to feel that it’s less awkward or disrespectful. He might also be a bit (overly?) self-conscious about the slight age difference in front of people whose primary job over the last 20 years has been keeping you safe.

So yeah, he’s sort of bringing his hangups into the relationship in a way you likely find frustrating, but I wouldn’t worry about it, certainly not until it’s been a good bit longer. It’s a common thing, coming from an honest place (and as mentioned, anxiety+expectations could create a lot of issues around the very intimacy you want to promote). In the meantime, it’s fairly easy to work around, especially since you do have the kind of relationship with your parents that makes staying at his place unremarkable. Eventually, yes, he should grow to trust you and your parents enough to believe you all when you say it’s fine, and if that’s still not enough then to have the kind of open conversation with you as his partner to understand why it’s not going to happen. For now, just keep doing things to make him comfortable at your place, but for the most part I’d let this one go.

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kambusha@sh.itjust.works ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Ball gag and a bottle of tequila?

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- naught101@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  For the parents, I assume?
  
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  - socsa@piefed.social ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Good point, we'll need at least two ball gags.
    
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- Migmog@lemm.ee ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  You forgot hog ties.
  
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nutsack@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
you should move out of your parents place

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