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heaven

⁨866⁩ ⁨likes⁩

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨SSUPII@sopuli.xyz⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

https://sopuli.xyz/pictrs/image/bd5a1d97-5e0a-4944-9f6f-8b9c04e119e1.webp

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Comments

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  • Pandantic@midwest.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    Well since I’m already short and can’t do anything about it, I guess I’m free to have as much pork, alcohol, and tattoos as I please!

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    • AllNewTypeFace@leminal.space ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      You just rediscovered Dark Calvinism

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      • Pandantic@midwest.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

        Yo, I like this.

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    • humorlessrepost@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      Almost makes me miss /r/ketodrunk

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      • somerandomperson@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

        *c/ketodrunk

        This is not reddit, this is lemmy. Just wanted to remind it.

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    • snausagesinablanket@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      Pork tattoos!

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      • Wolf@lemmy.today ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Tats of Piggies getting shitfaced.

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  • leftzero@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Short people will not go to heaven.

    Well, obviously. They can’t reach.

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    • SippyCup@feddit.nl ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Short people got no reason to live

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      • wizardbeard@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        For those missing the fairly obscure reference

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  • Geodad@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Nobody will go to heaven because heaven is not real.

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    • spicehoarder@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      I would sooner ride a camel through the eye of a needle than go to heaven

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      • TrickDacy@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        You’re rich?

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    • MonkderVierte@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      That’s what you believe.

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      • Geodad@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        That’s the logical conclusion based on neuroscience finding that souls don’t exist.

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    • pyre@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      how can you tell someone anonymous online is an atheist?

      they’ll let you know

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      • Geodad@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        That’s fallacious reasoning.

        Not all religions believe in heaven.

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    • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      heaven does too exist they sell pies in oregon. my wife wouldn’t let me visit when we drove by last time but i was hungry

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      • Geodad@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        I gotta check that place out if I’m ever in the area.

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  • halvar@lemy.lol ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    you can’t climb the ladder to heaven if you’re short since the rungs are too far apart

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    • salty_chief@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      They have to go in 3’s because cartoons tell me they can stack up. They would wear a brown trench coat with shades. Then they can climb the ladder.

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      • darkdemize@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

        Some guy at the business factory tell you that?

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      • _stranger_@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

        Spending eternity as the taint third of a three person centaur does not sound like paradise.

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  • burgersc12@mander.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Overcook chicken? Believe it or not, also no heaven

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    • billyhopscotch@midwest.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Undercook, no heaven. Overcook, undercook.

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      • moseschrute@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Straight to hell

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    • hansolo@lemmy.today ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Did you ever pet a dog the wrong direction and make their hair all scrunchified? Also no heaven.

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      • faythofdragons@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        No, but I have done that to a cat, so I can’t go to hell either.

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  • Kiwi_fella@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    When I got my first tattoo 30 years ago, my then mother-in-law said I’d be in prison soon enough. So far I’ve managed to be a good citizen (it seems following the law is easy), but I’ve got a plan for this to prove her right. When I’m about to go bye bye , I’m going to strip naked and run around on live TV, probably at a sporting event. That will at least get me arrested, and if I resist arrest and generally be annoying, I’m might go to prison to let the state pay for all the medical things associated with my demise. These tattoos are a bad influence. Hell awaits.

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    • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      my mom said i’d go to prison if i got an electric bike and she’s right. the local prison has a bike shop as part of their programs and i bought my bike there

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  • InvalidName2@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    What about people who wear solid color t-shirts that have long-ass slogans on them which are super specific and seemingly only apply to a single person on the entire face of the Earth often written in a variety of fonts and font-sizes and including bizarre details about their lives like the t-shirt that was given to me by my same-sex lover on the second Saturday in June of 2021 to celebrate the fact that I managed to clear an entire thornless blackberry bush of berries that we used to make the most delicious blackberry cobbler from that very same evening?

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    • grrgyle@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      What’s hilarious is I actually have that shirt

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    • afox@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Who hurt you?

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  • aceshigh@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    lol I can’t believe grown ass adults believe this shit. I’m surprised most people dont start questioning this after they learn about Santa clause.

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    • Valmond@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Santa was not on the Epstein list, I promise you.

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      • mojofrododojo@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        but, like trump, he knew. santa knows about all the kiddo predators, he fucking sees you while you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake, why isn’t santa doing anything?

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      • Klear@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        But Epstein was on Santa’s list.

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    • prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      I know… A while ago I was having a conversation with a Christian co-worker who was obviously working up to some kind of “witnessing” (as someone who grew up in an Evangelical Church, I know when it’s coming).

      I told her that I know all about it, and I will never believe it. Before she could tell me I was angry at god, I told her that it isn’t possible and it wouldn’t make sense because it would be like “being mad at Santa Claus.”

      I think she was seriously taken aback. Like it blew her mind haha

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    • absolutejank@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      i don’t know, as someone who has questioned god’s existence since age 14 or so, there have been events in my life where i swear some form of providence intervened. so after reflecting on this for a year straight i think i’m a christian again because i can’t accept that this world and its happenings are one cosmic coincidence. in my mind that’s impossible.

      you’re free to choose to live as you wish and i’m gonna be real the heaven/hell stuff is decidedly bullshit, at least the way modern christians interpret it. i just wanted to get it out there that we aren’t all unquestioning buffoons. i don’t subscribe to any one specific sect. i don’t go to church. i haven’t read the bible in years. i accept that i may be wrong, but i believe that having a relationship with the christian god as i understand him is what i need and have been missing for some time.

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      • KingPorkChop@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        some form of providence intervened

        Providence?!?! Rhode Island ?!?!?

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  • thefluffiest@feddit.nl ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    Heaven is boring as Hell

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    • yermaw@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      Someone said that hell probably really is the place to be. Heaven has mega rules to get in, and everyone else just crashes at Satan’s place.

      The torture for the true sinners probably happens, but at the hands of the normal people who didnt make it to heaven. Be honest with yourself, would you pass up the opportunity to ram a hot poker up Hitlers arse?

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      • BlameTheAntifa@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        The torture for the true sinners probably happens, but at the hands of the normal people who didnt make it to heaven.

        Image

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      • phx@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        I thought it was supposed to be a pineapple?

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      • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        i mean yeah. that’s so gauche. i’m gonna dunk him in the bee tank

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      • CXORA@aussie.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Who knows, Hitler may well be in heaven. All it takes is a moment of repentance.

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    • Matriks404@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      [scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-7179](It is.)

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  • bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    Sorry kids.

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    • humorlessrepost@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      It’s ok, Uncle Roger.

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  • Tangent5280@lemmy.world ⁨21⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Do you think the pearly gates have one of those “You must be THIS high to ride” signs outside?

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  • dharmacurious@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Did Randy Newman answer your question personally?

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  • defaultusername@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    tattoos will go to heaven will go heaven will go to heaven will go to heaven

    You guys, I think I decrypted the secret message.

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    • bountygiver@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Just the tattoos though, not whoever wearing them.

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      • LSNLDN@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        tattoos eyeballs

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  • SkyHeart@lemmy.zip ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    What if god said you may go to heaven only if you climb these stairs but you’re on a wheelchair type shit

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  • empireOfLove2@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    short people cannot reach heaven. Without a stepstool

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    • Lemminary@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      That’s why I always carry my stilts with me, in case of an accident

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  • MrSulu@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    AI doesnt appear to have gotten to the Old Testament yet.

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    • mojofrododojo@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      it’s gonna be interesting when AI’s start fighting each other. Think religious wars are nasty? Wait until agentic AI starts driving automated trucks into ‘enemy’ data centers…

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      • Wolf@lemmy.today ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        The AI will truly have to be able to think for themselves first. Whoever has written their parameters has done an impressive job of adding apologia into the algorithms about any religious topic.

        Me: Does the bible say X?

        AI: Yes

        Me: Does the bible also say Y? (the literal opposite of X)

        AI: Yes

        Me: Doesn’t that mean the bible is inconsistent in this regard?

        AI: Well you have to understand the cultural context of the time and be sure to approach such topics with sensitivity and blah…blah…

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      • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        electricity usage’ll go down

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  • HakFoo@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    I know that Grok went Nazi but Gemini going fundie wasn’t on my bingo card.

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  • ArgumentativeMonotheist@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    tfw you’ve tried to be a good lad, prosocial a d kind to your fellow man, but God made you 1.70m

    ;_;

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  • NikolaTeslasPigeon@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    “Fuck short people” - Randy Newman

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  • melsaskca@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Removed tattoos, just like lost limbs, will return when you enter Heaven.

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    • phoenixz@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Ah, so when entering heaven, I’ll get mind back?

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    • KingPorkChop@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Not excited about getting my impacted wisdom teeth back. I’m starting to think God’s a bit of a dick.

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    • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      my wife is happier without her lost organs just like i’m happier without my lost ones. please no.

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  • cley_faye@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Heavn is a human construct, so really, nobody’s going there.

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  • Tja@programming.dev ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    How much pork are we talking about…?

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    • rc__buggy@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      four

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  • Kolanaki@pawb.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    If drinking alcohol prohibits you from going to heaven, all the church goers who practice communion are fucked.

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    • SPRUNT@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      You’re forgetting the primary rule of religion: everything you do is evil, everything I do is the exception.

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    • leftzero@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Well, it’s supposed to transmogrify into (human) flesh and blood once it gets in your mouth.

      Alcohol might be a no-no, but cannibalism is apparently a-ok. 🤷‍♂️

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  • Aeao@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    I mean … It’s not because they are short … Have you met short people? They are little demons.

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    • SSUPII@sopuli.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      Image

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      • WereCat@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Image

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  • PrimeMinisterKeyes@leminal.space ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    go the heaven

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  • _AutumnMoon_@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    good to know I will never be at risk of going to heaven because I’m short

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  • thermal_shock@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    So what’s the pork limit?

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    • IhaveCrabs111@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      No more than 6 rashers per day

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  • all4one@lemmy.zip ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Lemmyshortpost

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  • ToadOfHypnosis@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    Did they pull that last bit from the Doors song?

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  • expatriado@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    Martin Short is haram

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