Submitted 1 month ago by meatwads_tooth@sh.itjust.works to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
If you truly love your partner, does a ring and a ceremony really do anything?
I know there are certain legal situations where an official marriage changes who has certain rights, but aren’t those same rights available if you make other legally-official decisions E.G. a will or trusts, etc?
I’m generally curious why people get married beyond the “because I love them” when it costs so much money.
Medically if something were to happen to one of you, the medical staff can only engage with next of kin or a parent. It makes those medical emergency situations much easier to navigate through. Sure, you can go through all sorts of legal stuff to make it work and spend a ton of money on legal fees, or just spend the $50 on a marriage certificate, do a courthouse wedding, and be done. It’s an all in one package deal.
First of all getting married is extremely cheap, just a small fee in most countries.
A marriage is a legal document that brings many legal consequences, from tax to residency and even hospital and death care there are many reasons why that document might be important for you. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone else, it makes a lot of sense to do it, it makes lots of stuff much easier.
Two reasons: Practical considerations (shared assets, certain legal protections, I’ve seen people get married for an easier go re: immigration in some cases, etc. Basically check your local laws); and ritualistic.
I find people often discount the importance of certain ritual practices in Western secular society, and for a lot of people ritual in general is a whole lot of fluff and nonsense. But having a ceremony to recognize a formal joining of two people, and by extension their families (to varying degrees), with the at least ostensible intent that you will live and die in partnership with that person, is a powerful thing. It’s a common ritual among multiple societies, with lots of variation and differences in exactly what it signifies, but the ubiquity speaks to that power IMO.
Don’t get me wrong - I think divorce is a good thing for when the partnership truly does not and cannot work, and people can live happily in lifelong unions without marriage - but for some folks, taking that vow in the eyes of your friends and family (and whatever deity concept you may have, if that’s your kink) is a very important and serious thing. Something changes, to some degree, when you take that oath.
It doesn’t have to be expensive - that it often is, IMO, is a function of capitalism infecting a beautiful thing more than anything else. You can have a wedding in someone’s backyard officiated by someone who paid $25 online for a certificate, with a small number of close friends and a potluck BBQ afterwards, and it would be just as valid and meaningful as someone who spent 100k. It’s the intent, ritual, and meaning participating parties place on it that’s important.
I married my partner, after being with them for over a decade, and a few years of living together full-time. It was mostly for admin reasons (we just bought our home, and being married made things easier if one of us died). If it wasn’t for that I don’t think we would have bothered. We know we love each other, and had decided a few years before that if we’d get married if we ever needed to, so it wasn’t like we ever ‘proposed’. Just a tiny ceremony with two friends as witness, and we went out to a restaurant for lunch afterwards. I don’t think it cost us anything beyond lunch? Maybe a tiny admin fee?
But… I’m so happy we did! It’s weird! I never really cared, and rationally, I still think it hasn’t changed anything. But somehow it feels… really nice? I still regularly think (and tell them) “I’m so glad I married you”. I’m sure there are lots of other things that you can do to symbolise your relationship or commitment. If I got a tattoo inspired by my partner I’d probably have the same feeling of looking at it and thinking of them that I do when I play with my wedding ring (2€ piece of silly junk from aliexpress. And we each bought a bunch of spares so that when we inevitably lose them it’s not a problem). But actually a marriage is one of the simplest and cheaper ways (if you don’t choose or feel pressured into turning it into a stupid moneysink).
Tldr: didn’t care about marriage, got married for tax, and weirdly found it deeply satisfying in a completely unexpected way.
Depending where you are, there are tax benefits to legally married couples.
If cost is an issue, you can have cheap wedding. But I think the concern is more cultural in which there is an implicit expectation to have a grandiose wedding, like in a church and have a huge gathering and party with dozens if not hundreds of attendees.
My partner and I wanted it for legal reasons, especially since I’m disabled so he can make medical decisions etc.
We can either "register as partners’ or get married. Both cost the same. Marriage had a wedding party. Costs a lil bit more, but brought together all of our friends and had a beautiful day. So why choose boring?
Had a coworker who got married because the paperwork (or rather leak thereof) for the dad when they had kids.
For me it was a way of showing my love, a way of showing that I want to commit long term.
Yeah, when you’re married the husband will automatically be registered as the dad instead of ‘having to prove it’.
Our wedding had a double layer: we had the plan in our head for a while. Then my dad passed away and on his deathbed my now husband promised him he would take care of me like how he took care of me. So, it became incredibly emotional (6 months later) as some sort of seal on that promise too.
My wife and met ages ago. We were friends for a while. Went on some dates, and eventually got together. I think we were dating about 8 years before getting married, we knew we were compatible. We didn’t rush anything.
I got married in Vegas, it was a very affordable wedding. That was almost 10 years ago.
If one of us dies, being married is a very easy way to make sure the other person inherits everything they need to survive.
I also see how impressed older people are when we say we are married, it seems so few people get married anymore.
There are so many good reasons to get married. Just be sure before jumping in that both are on the same page of life and goals, compatibility, compromise and understanding, etc.
Kind of a niche answer, honestly me and my wife of 20+ years might still be “living in sin” if it wasn’t for her decision to join the military, in order for me to move with her to her home base, we had to be married. It allowed me to visit Alaska which was a great adventure, though I am glad that she is out and we are living normal lives since.
It can be very, very inexpensive for the costs of a court filing fee and a friend getting an online certification to officiate the wedding.
You get tax breaks while married, and a lot of things in life are easier when you’re married and sharing the same living space, bills, etc. The world has been built to make it more economical and easier.
It’s the getting divorced that’s expensive and sucks. As long as you can avoid doing that, or have a prenup in place, you’re good.
You pay less taxes, its easier to get a loan (if you both have good credit), you automatically have all the rights to know about their health in an emergency situation, whereas a girlfriend/boyfriend needs to go through extra steps, some of which are impossible in an emergency. Some people also view marriage as a very religious thing and so that part of it is a big deal to them.
Of course there are the legal benefits people have mentioned, but I think a lot of it is that humans love our symbolism and ceremonious tradition. Sure, the ring and ceremony aren’t what make your bond, but it is symbolically immortalized through them.
Weddings don’t have to be incredibly expensive. My wife doesn’t like diamonds, so I proposed to her with a piece of her birth stone. We had our wedding in a state park, we were able to reserve a large section of it for sub $100. We went with simple silver wedding bands from a local jeweler. The biggest cost was food and drink for 70 people. Even though ours was comparatively cheap for a wedding, you could do it way cheaper. Some couples choose to elope, some have a smaller ceremony with only their closest family. It doesn’t need to cost an arm and a leg to be a beautiful day.
Legal items aside. My wife has my back and I have hers. Having a partner in life you can trust with yours is a special thing.
It doesn’t have to even be man and woman. I know a group of older men who have a group dynamic where they are all basically each other’s partners…not sexually, just supportive.
I think the question is not questioning relationships, but asking why a marriage itself is worth anything.
You can have a lifelong partner without being married to them
Getting legally married is intended to protect the couple under certain circumstances as you suggest. You could attempt to perform the same with other legal means but it would be harder and costlier; like you deciding not buying a car but putting one together yourself.
The notion people get legally married out of love or worse that “a paper does not say I can love a person” seem to just have a 7 year old notion of what marriage is
It doesn’t have to cost a lot to officiate a marriage if you have 2 witnesses and use the registry office.
The answer will likely depend on the place in the world and even on the cultural background of individuals getting married. I’ll just share my experience.
We got married out of convenience. While it’s technically possible to arrange the bulk of the legal stuff with various contracts, it is just easier to use the “default contract” that already covers the most common use case. Some legal arrangements, for example cuts to inheritance tax or the right to remain silent when asked about your spouse in legal proceedings, are only available for “real” marriages.
Once we decided to have children we looked into the various arrangements needed to make that work and quickly found out that marriage is the easiest way to sort everything out. In our day to day life nothing really changed. In legal terms quite a lot is now different.
By the way, as others have mentioned, getting married isn’t expensive. All we paid was the administrative fee which was something like 50 Euros.
Depending on the country it can make e a significant difference in finances, because taxes, inheritance laws, credit scores, etc.
Finances aside, yes, for some people the ceremony is a ritual that carries heavy meaning and the ring and a ceremony is a way to strengthen the relationship. Is a ritual that is culturally significant and very significant for some. Everyone is different so just because for you and me it is irrelevant that’s not the case for thousands of others.
It’s like swearing an oath of sorts. You may ask yourself, why do they waste time in court making people say they won’t lie and why some need to do it with a bible? People still lie after all. Or what difference does it make when people hook pinkies over a promise? It’s just a promise like any other and it can be broken. But people still do these things, and they get married too.
I got married while standing in a river and I incorporated a pagan ritual in front of a select few of unsuspecting parents and their spouses.
Worth.
A month and a half later we held a fancy reception dinner and served pancakes.
Also worth.
I didn’t ever marry my ex, was irritated at how discriminatory legal marriage was back then, and we had kids so were a family anyway.
My husband now? He really wanted to be married, and “stepdad” is a different legal status than “mom’s boyfriend”, it smooths things when he had to do school pickup or doctor visit. So since he pushed and I did see an upside we did.
Also you can’t foster or adopt here unless you are married - unmarried man in the household is a known risk to the kids he’s not related to. Statistically, it raises the risk of the kid getting hurt so single people can, or married couples but not unmarried hetero couples.
I am with you logically, I don’t need it, and don’t feel different and it’s weird for the state to license families. I understand religious marriage but am not religious.
Getting dressed up and having a big ol party
I think it cost us nothing. I’m in Finland and happily married after many many years.
I talked about this a lot with my partner since we had been living together for a couple of years before we decided to get married.
Marriage, to us, is really just an external expression of the love that we share and the commitment we have already made to each other. The marriage itself is not the commitment, just a statement of it. There are lots of members in our families who disagree and say that marriage itself is the commitment, but then again they’re the same ones who have been divorced or who have extremely unhealthy relationships with their spouses.
Leaning on a piece of paper with your signature on it as the reason you’re staying with someone is idiotic; paper tears extremely easily. I choose to love my partner, not because a paper tells me that I chose that long ago, but because I wake up every day and make that decision.
Why get married? I dunno, if it doesn’t mean the same thing to you, then don’t, and I say that with no judgement at all. If you care more about the person than you do about the idea if marriage (like I do) and you gain nothing from a marriage, then don’t worry about it and just focus on the person, yourself, and the relationship you both share.
Being married doesn’t need to cost anything. You could not organizing any kind of célébration. You could stop at a dinner with the guests you can host at home. Or do a big party on a yacht with firework. It doesn’t matter.
Getting married is officializing to society that the person you love is your family. Building a link separed from love that could fade and vary with time.
This link make also easier to share advantage that is usually reserve to one. Patrimoine, possession, inheritance, joined whatever. It give you the right to make décision in the name of your SO in hard times. If they had an accident, if they are missing or having a dire disease.
Many people fear prénuptial contract but it is the best way to build a marriage in a way to have all the advantage without the dependance. And realising that a relationship might end and that each should be fearly treated without having to fight for it doesn’t equated douting a relationship. If you don’t fear séparation, you can sign anything. Right ?
You gain legal protections against being forced to testify against one another.
Just go do it at court on the cheap and throw a party.
I want someone to marry me again someday. I want someone to stand in front of my friends and family and profess their love and devotion.
I gave up on that dream a couple of years ago.
My grandfather died in the 80s, 20 years later my grandma got a boyfriend, a widower similar to her age, so both in their mid 70s. She once said that she thought she would be alone for the rest of her life and never thought she would be so in love again.
They never married but had 15 beautiful years with each other. What I’m saying is that it’s never too late to find happiness, no matter what that might entail.
That’s really nice to hear, but I’m tired of waiting to find someone that cares for me as more than just a friend. I recognize that I likely will never find that.
Socially it’s an excuse to party with everyone you love.
Legally it’s only worth it if you have kids, plan to migrate countries, or have shitty immediate family among other things. But if you’re just in a long term relationship with your finances otherwise separated, no kids or end of life concerns, then it can be somewhat detrimental as you’re just inviting the state in to meddle with your life.
This is a shallow and very “I just think about the next few hours” view…
First of all, there are a lot more legal protections to married couples even if no kids are involved. Second, I guess you know when you are going to die so you can be certain there won’t be any end of life concerns, you are certainly immune to accidents, right? But also, you don’t have to be about to die to want your fiance to be allowed in the hospital room with you (which they won’t be if you are unable to provide approval and they are not legally your partner)
The “state” does not meddle in married life either… this is a rednecky thing to say… unless of course you are referring to treating your partner like crap or attempting to deny them any protection they are legally entitled to
Yeah i was half awake, a bit harsh ig.
Maybe a better formed argument is that getting into a marriage legally is way too easy compared to the legal process of leaving one. Even if you have all your things in order and everything is completely amicable the dissolution can be a a very drawn out process, especially if you can’t be present in the state you were married in.
The part about being in a hospital, only applies if the partner is not conscious, otherwise they can consent. Some other counties have another method for this where if you’ve simply lived together long enough those sorts of protections exist. So yeah you have a fair argument in the US. Is it worth legally formalizing your marriage? That’s up to you and your partner to decide.
I think my major annoyance is that people put emotional value into the legal matter of marriage as though law and the state had some interpersonal value.
Depends a lot on your personal situation, and jurisdiction.
Doing a ceremony when you publicly say you love each other is already a valid reason
In some jurisdiction, you’d get a form of tax benefit for being married, it often comes with downside like having welfare benefit based on the couple revenue rather than on individual ones (hence the tax benefit). Talk with an accountant/Tax-lawyer knowing your local laws for details
It gives a legal status to your shared asset. Sure you could create a real-estate-investment company to buy your house and many people do that but being married, with a proper prenup give you a lot of agency regarding your shared asset
It protects the weaker partner, usually the one scarifying their carrer for the couple if things goes wrong
I follow most of these points but I’m not sure I understand point 4?
Visa.
It’s not relevant in most countries because if it were you could just get married and get a visa.
Depending on state, healthcare applies to spouses but may not for long term partners. You can’t do that with a will or trust
As a male. None.
Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 1 month ago
It doesn’t HAVE to cost so much. The wedding doesn’t cost a lot.
The ceremony and the party are what cost a lot.
But you can go down to city hall, in plain clothes, pay a small fine, fill out some paperwork, bada bing bada boom, married.
But good luck getting 99% of women to give up their dream wedding for a city hall wedding with 1 city appointed witness, and no guests.
FistingEnthusiast@lemmynsfw.com 1 month ago
Why the pointless sexist stereotyping?
trxxruraxvr@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Plenty of women don’t care about a “dream wedding”
Diddlydee@feddit.uk 1 month ago
A small fee rather than a small fine, surely?