What age gap is too big of an age gap if someone's in their early 30's?

Submitted ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨frenchfryenjoyer@lemmings.world⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

Obviously I’m talking about two adults, I’m just wondering when it goes from okay to “a bit iffy”, either older or younger

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bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
22-46 is acceptable.

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- msage@programming.dev ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I can’t imagine a 22yo with 30yo.
  
  You are going through such different stages in your lives.
  
  One is most likely still in school, the other may be trying to run their own busuiness, or strive for children. There may be common grounds, but at 22 I would not suggest settling down.
  
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  - bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Honestly, I’ve met so many people at either age or older who were at either stage in their life. A 22 yo can be done with their training and fully working, even having their own business while a 30 yo is still trying to find themselves.
    
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kersploosh@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Every kid in my high school knew the “half your age plus 7” rule for bounding are gaps:

Age of younger person in the relationship = (Age of older person in the relationship / 2) + 7

So if you are 30 then you can date from 22 to 46. Science!

Though, really, beyond your mid-20s I think you can date as old as you like. As long as everyone is consenting, open, and honest, then have fun.

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- spankmonkey@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  The half + 7 also makes it more likely that the two of you have some overlapping life experiences which helps a lot with compatability.
  
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  - otp@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    50 and 32? Maybe, I guess?..
    
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- Acamon@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  I’ve always heard the “half your age plus seven” rule (mostly somewhat jokingly) for the appropriate minimum age of your partner. But I read somewhere that it’s origin is from some 18th century manual for finding a wife, wherein it indicated the MAX age of an appropriate wife…
  
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  - Witchfire@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    I think you stumbled upon the Republican manual for dating in the 21st century
    
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A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Half your age +7 years. 30yo can date 22yo.

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- SolidShake@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  I don’t think a 20 year old should date a 17 year old though
  
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  - TribblesBestFriend@startrek.website ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    A 10 year old can only date 12 year old and older. I don’t make the rules
    
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  - Impound4017@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    I think the rule breaks down any time before ~21 (always round up). In general, if you’re over 18, don’t date someone under 18. If you’re both under 18 idk but probably don’t exceed a two year age gap.
    
    If you’re 19-20, get fucked I guess.
    
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  - spankmonkey@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    The high school to college transition makes things complicated for reasons other than just ages.
    
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  - paultimate14@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    They could be in a similar phase of life. I was still 17 when I started college and had a full-time job. A 20 year old could still be in high school if they were held back. This is kind of the range where you can start counting months or talking about how different school systems have different cutoff dates that can mess with things.
    
    I would not recommend 20 year olds and 17 year olds date in general. But it’s very possible for two people of those ages to date without being creepy or having problems.
    
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slazer2au@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
If they are both consenting adults and personalities don’t cause a toxic environment what does it matter.

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- Lemminary@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  I got a vivid image of two age gapped goons spilling toxic waste into a river while snickering to themselves. Definitely don’t do that. And definitely let me go grab my coffee as I’m still in dream mode.
  
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garbagebagel@lemmy.world ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
My sister’s ex is my mom’s age (25 year age gap). They dated when she was in her late 20s. Honestly they had a great relationship and, while he was a bit “immature” for his age (financially), he was a really awesome dude and they had lots in common. The main reason it didn’t work out was because she wanted kids, and having kids with a man in his early 50s, who aleady had like a 20 year old kid, is difficult.

I think that’s what often causes issues in big age gap relationships, they’re often at different points of family/career development.

The flip side of this is that I met my uncle’s (61) girlfriend, who is, I believe, 25 or 26 and I did get the ick because she’s younger than two of his older children and has braces that make her look a lot younger than that. Most people thought she was a friend of his youngest kids (who are 19). She’s nice though I guess. And my uncle needs therapy, but that’s not necessarily related to this.

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phoenixz@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Are there any?

If you’re 18+, you’re free to be with whoever you want to be. As long as no abuse is going on in either direction, and both are happy, who am I to judge

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- otp@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  16 and 15 shouldn’t date?
  
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  - starman2112@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Lemmy the only place where well-articulated sentences still get misinterpreted. You can say “as long as you’re 18 you can date whoever you want” and somebody will say “16 and 15 shouldn’t date?” No bitch. Dats a whole new sentence. Wtf is you talkin about.
    
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  - DebatableRaccoon@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    That’s not what’s being said. From the context of an adult dating some, 15/16 is too young unless the older person is really close to that age (18, 19 at a push and I only think like that because I’m from somewhere with an age of consent of 16. Places with AoC of 18 would obviously be skewed older).
    
    When one of the people is on the younger side, the old rule of thumb (age of older person/2+7) is a best practice for what would be considered inappropriate.
    
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- Bluefalcon@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  I don’t know, toddlers should be a no go.
  
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CidVicious@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I think life situation is probably more important than strictly age. If you’re an independent 30 year old working a full time job you probably don’t want to date a college student that lives with their parents.

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Ceedoestrees@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I know a relationship therapist with a list. Everyone needs to be:

Of legal age.

Capable of enthusiastic consent.

Enthusiastically consenting.

Respectful.

Aware of each others expectations.

Check the boxes and have fun.
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swelter_spark@reddthat.com ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Once you’re 30, as long as the other person is in your general age group or older, and the relationship works for both of you, your specific ages don’t matter.

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daniskarma@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I don’t think is that much the age (above 18 please) than the knowledge that you are not taking advantage of that person (or knowing that that person is not taking advantage of you though this is harder to notice).

If there’s a huge age gap you will get looks. But the looks of others are not that important as long as you know that what you are doing is right.

Are you taking advantage of the other person because of their age? If yes then don’t do it. If no, please continue.

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- Lemminary@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  I can attest to this. I had a 30 year-old friend who I got along with great when I was 19. We hung out all the time and got looks and odd comments when we went out. I knew he was interested, but I never budged and he never took advantage. We’re still great platonic friends to this day, 15ish years later.
  
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fletcher_bosom@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Half the older age plus 7.

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MuttMutt@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I am 16 years younger than my other half.

Age is a number and people mature at different rates based on their life experiences and intelligence. I survived mental, physical, and sexual abuse as a child. I am also considered high intelligence… in elementary school I was ranked in the top 10 percentile of my age group based on standardized testing. In middle school all of my testing showed me at a minimal of college levels with some areas in graduate school. I had no friends and have literally had the crap beat out of me for no reason than I existed. I have also buried a child and a wife. I am more comfortable with an older woman because those my own age and younger are generally more self absorbed.

Stick to someone of the age of majority who makes you happy and isn’t abusive. The rest is your business and nobody else’s.

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P00ptart@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
I’m 40 now and can’t imagine dating someone younger than 30. People change so much between 20-30 that the person you start with may not be the person you end with. People should never quit growing and learning. But I want to know that the person has enough life experience and stability to be a reliable partner. That being said, I also hold older women at an arms length because in my experience they tend to want more control. I don’t want control or to be controlled. I want an equal partnership with respect and love. I understand that that changes depending on the person but IN GENERAL I would go -7 or +5. There are exceptions to that based on maturity, intellect, vibe, etc.

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ano@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
That’s subjective. Two adults can do whatever they want. The rest is just other people’s opinions and those opinions can also be “a bit iffy”. The more you listen to other people’s arbitrary morals, the iffier things get and you soon realize you should just have followed your own intuition to begin with.

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xePBMg9@lemmynsfw.com ⁨21⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I would say; don’t take other peoples opinion in mind. If you make eachother happy; you are good.

If your question is focusing on the reaction of the average person. I would say the average person walking past you on the street, will not raise their eyebrow unless one of the partners looks underage. Or if the 30 year old looks significantly older than 30.

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N0t_5ure@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
If they are looking to date younger, I’d say that 25 would probably be the realistic minimum, as that is the age by which the brain is fully developed. If a thirty year old is looking to date older, I don’t really see any real limit. Their brain is fully developed, and they’ve been an adult long enough that they can evaluate the pros and cons of the older person.

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- kelpie_returns@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  Iirc, it’s not that the brain finishes development at 25, but that the study this point comes from stopped following its subjects at age 25. A broader look at neuro-development seems to suggest that the brain never stops ‘maturing’. It’s not always improving tbc, but there also isn’t some definitive line that makes someone cerebraly adult.
  
  Not sure what that means in regards to this thread, but I do feel it’s worth pointing out.
  
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FuglyDuck@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Depends on where everyone is in their life. An undergrad shouldn’t be dating someone graduated and in a stable working condition. Once your past a certain age, it becomes fairly useless as a question of appropriateness- with things like life experience, goals and present conditions being more important.

even then; it’s about maintaining a healthy balance of power in the relationship. if it’s a one night stand and everyone involved are consenting adults; that’s none of our business.

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Nemo@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Someone in their thirties shouldn’t be dating an undergrad or retiree. Anything in between is probably fine.

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Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
6?

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- SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  I think that’s too young to be dating at all
  
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Bluefalcon@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Over 30? Any age up. Down? 8 years difference

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tiredofsametab@fedia.io ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
My wife and I are almost 10 years apart. We met right before her 30th birthday, I was also once the younger partner when I was 20 and my then-gf was 34. That failed for a number of reasons, but I don't think age was one of them. With legal, consenting adults, whatever works for you is fine, I think.

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otacon239@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Just had this conversation oddly enough. I’m of the mindset that consenting adults can do as they please BUT power dynamics I feel are far more important than age. If your power dynamics is unbalanced, you can be the same age and have it all go wrong if they’re your manager for instance, but if you’re 18 and your 40-year-old coworker who works in the same dept wants to jump your bones, I say no harm, no foul.

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CCMan1701A@startrek.website ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Have your own list of cultural references, of they know them well, you’ll be ok.

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- Lemminary@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
  I once dated a 40 year-old in my early 30s and I still had to explain what a random SpongeBob WhatsApp sticker was. It felt so wrong.
  
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