[deleted]
Yes you are & a big one
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Submitted 11 months ago by entity@reddthat.com to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Comments
MITM0@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Sir_Kevin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 months ago
He’ll either come to realize the truth on his own, or prove you wrong. Either way, you should support him.
Dagwood222@lemm.ee 11 months ago
If your asking, you probably already know the answer.
Maybe you could have said something like “A top player needs to know math, because they’ve got to do a lot of investing. they should have otehr languages, because they’ll be playing all over the world. Science and computers because…”
SnotFlickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 months ago
You’re literally a professional and your first thought isn’t to use your own skills to coach him to get better?
entity@reddthat.com 11 months ago
[deleted]SnotFlickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 months ago
Who said I haven’t?
Well you didn’t say either way in your initial post. How are people who read it supposed to just know you’ve already nurtured it? It doesn’t come off that way from the way it’s written, just so you know.
PeachMan@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Don’t tell him that he can’t do something. Let him figure it out on his own.
Dsklnsadog@lemmy.dbzer0.com 11 months ago
Sometimes you need an honest feedback, and your family should be the first one to hear. It doesn’t mean they are right, but it may save you some time.
Windex007@lemmy.world 11 months ago
When you punish a person for dreaming their dreams don’t expect them to thank or forgive you.
SnotFlickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 months ago
The best ever second generation footballer out of Lemmy.
Probably not the same kind of footballer, but this also seems relevant…
By July
You’d made a whole bunch of brand new friends
People you used to look down on
And you’d figured out a way to make real money
Giving ends to your friends and it felt stupendous
Chrome spokes on your Japanese bikeBut selling acid was a bad idea…
Sometimes when people lose their dreams, they replace them with more unhealthy dreams…
cabron_offsets@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Perhaps an unpopular opinion: no, you’re not a jerk for doing this. Steering our children onto a realistic path of reasonable success and happiness is part of our job as parents. We should pursue this gently, but it mustn’t be avoided. Parenting is hard. We won’t always get it right.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
Eh, yeah, a bit of a jerk.
It’s not the facts that matter, it’s how you deliver them. If you don’t focus on what the kid doesn’t have, and focus on what they’d have to do to make it, you’d get the same thing done.
If you add in that they’re expected, while still under your responsibility, to also work towards a secondary goal that’s within reach without needing a ton of luck on top of talent, you set them up to both work on their dream and have a realistic fallback plan.
Doesn’t really matter what it is, when the kid’s dream is one that they can’t make it purely by working at it, it’s our job to prepare them for the possibility of success, no matter how unlikely, as well as presenting reality.
I partially raised a nephew years ago. He wanted to be a musician or a pro skater. Talented in both (more as a musician), but both of those fields take more than ability to make work. Even skating, which isn’t mostly about who you know and what contacts you can make, you gotta bust your ass every single day practicing like a pro does, and start competing. I explained all that, showed him how to find information for himself, and said he still had to make school his first priority until he was an adult.
Well, turns out he didn’t actually like competing, so skating went to the wayside a year or so later.
He started focusing more on music, and started doing small shows here and there, and liked it. But he did hit that wall where you have to not just hustle, but have the right contacts, or make them. So he switched gears like a lot of creative sorts do and got a job he thought might be interesting in the short term while he worked at music as a secondary.
He ended up enjoying that job enough that he decided to do music more as a hobby. Still does. He still skates too, and he’s almost in his thirties now. He’s also starting his own business in the industry he liked, and went to school to get a basic business degree per my advice.
You don’t have to ride their ass, or insist that they abandon a dream. You just have to give them the best advice you can, and let them do their thing as long as they’re meeting core necessities along the way.
It’s even perfectly fine to tell them that there’s limits to what you’ll do and provide while they chase a dream; support doesn’t mean you have to let them stay in the basement with no actual source of self support on a practical level. It just means that you give them the room to get there if they can while also navigating regular life.
Hell, it’s perfectly fine to be blunt about their chances of making it at whatever. Telling your kid that he’d have to reach a level of skill that would take more work than realistically possible is fine. Telling him that he’s got an incredibly long and impractical road ahead of him if he decides to try is fine. And it’s definitely fine to say that he’s got to do it on his own merits, without any nepotism or favors involved. You can even give an honest evaluation of his skills and athleticism, though you gotta be gentle with that.
What never works is telling than that they can’t, that it’s utterly out of the question and you’ll never have their back. That’s a recipe for a kid you never get to see as an adult.
Shit, man, who says you’re even right? Get some outside opinions on the kid’s skills if you’re going to play the heavy and be sure you’re right.
erev@lemmy.world 11 months ago
!lemmysilver
LemmySilverBot@lemmy.world [bot] 11 months ago
Thank you for voting. You can vote again in 24 hours. leaderboard
tetris11@lemmy.ml 11 months ago
/c/bestoflemmy
angelmountain@feddit.nl 11 months ago
Depends where you live. In America? Yes you’re a jerk because you are questioning the American “dream”. Anywhere else? As long as you explain why and support your kid in whatever choice he/she makes you’re fine.
Diplomjodler3@lemmy.world 11 months ago
You should support your kid, even if you’re not convinced of his chances of making it. Anything else is just going to permanently damage your relationship. The best you can do is make sure he has a plan B. If he’s good in school he’s well on his way to that, so not much to worry about.
cRazi_man@lemm.ee 11 months ago
Let him try to aim for it… As long as he doesn’t neglect his education and other opportunities them there’s no harm in giving him some years to figure this out himself the hard way.
demesisx@infosec.pub 11 months ago
I’m impressed that a pro footballer found Lemmy. Welcome!
IdontplaytheTrombone@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I wouldn’t say “jerk”, but maybe a little insensitive to supporting his dreams. The hard part about being a parent is that your kid needs to fail sometimes, and your protesting to the failing will only create a divide between you two. Offering advice once is totally fine, but continuing will make the situation worse. He will likely fail pursuing his dream, and reality will hit him hard afterwards, but that’s ok. Just make sure he has your support, and he knows you love him.
It doesn’t matter that you’ve learned this life lesson already. He hasn’t. Sometimes, you have to learn the hard way for it to stick.
towerful@programming.dev 11 months ago
Did you go straight into being a pro footballer? Or did you have back up plans? Like “if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be an electrician” or something?
I’ve never had super lofty goals, but my parents always supported me in what I wanted to do. They never tried to steer me, but they did ask pertinent questions about what I was planning at various points. Probably to hint at bad idea.
I feel like I could have asked them for money/support at any point for any of my projects/ideas/whatevers, and - after making sure I was serious - would have helped out however they could.
I have a very unique career at this point, and I am only in this position because of the eclectic experience I have.Ultimately, he is growing up. He’s going to have to make mistakes.
I’d say you have to be prepared to support him as much as you can in his dream of being a pro footballer.
Maybe he won’t be a pro footballer, but he might get a satisfying career out of being football-adjacent. Medic, science, coaching.
Or maybe he will try it for 5 years and eventually realise it’s not gonna happen, and be an electrician.
Or maybe he will struggle for 2 years, realise he needs to double down, and make the cut a year later.I had a friend when I was growing up that dreamed of being an RAF pilot. Everything he did was around that.
Due to some unfortunate life circumstances, that dream was ripped away in the space of a week. Completely out of anyone’s control, but he could no longer qualify as an RAF pilot.
He was heartbroken. He’s now an engineer/mechanic in the RAF and seems happy.He shouldn’t find another dream.
But he should be aware that dreams don’t always come about. And if this dream doesn’t, would he be happy in an adjacent career? Or something else entirely?
Help him research the backup plan.entity@reddthat.com 11 months ago
[deleted]towerful@programming.dev 11 months ago
Sounds like you have had a very productive life! Your son is very lucky.
Encourage the education. But there are loads of good careers that don’t need university degrees.
And all the while, he can try and achieve his dream.From personal experience, university wasn’t useful for me - other than giving me time to figure out what I don’t want to do, and meeting friends that are still friends to this day.
But I could’ve easily done an apprenticeship, or gone straight into some industry/company. Some days, I wish I had. Other days, I wouldn’t want to be doing anything other than what I am atm.Dream case, he makes it.
Best case, he figures out what he wants to do by 21.
Worst case, he’s still figuring it out when he’s 25.I wasn’t making decent money until I was late 20s. Even now, I can’t guarantee I have enough work next year. It’s extremely likely, but I’m self employed so…
Knowing my folks will still support me means I can continue pursuing interesting, useful and innovative things, even in my 30s - even tho that’s not longer required.Maybe talk to some of your contacts in the football industry.
See if they have similar “football or nothing”, or if they had backup plans.
Talk to some managers, coaches, sports scientists, medics etc.
Ask them how they would get into pro football. Ask them what happens to pro-football aspiring players that don’t make the cut.
Use your experience and connections to help and support your son. And be there if it doesn’t work out.
You might know better, but he still has to learn. The best lessons are mistakes.ogmios@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
Could he have any interest in taking on other roles, like management? If he’s doing great in school, and has a direct connection to learning the ins and the outs of the industry through you, he could have a significant leg up.
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
He has to learn for himself. You learn from mistakes. My mom told me I’m too smart to drive trucks. Guess what I do 20 years later?
MeThisGuy@feddit.nl 11 months ago
fluffer?
Pregnenolone@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Marine?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
If only I was younger and dumber
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
All the above
justsquigglez@lemm.ee 11 months ago
You had a catastrophic accident that lowered your mental facilities enough to allow you to drive trucks?
OccasionallyFeralya@lemmy.ml 11 months ago
What do you even mean by this?
iAmTheTot@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
Stand up comedian?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I should be.
KittenBiscuits@lemm.ee 11 months ago
You teach other people to drive trucks?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Sometimes
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 11 months ago
Gigolo?
SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Shift manager at Panera?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
The pay is shit!
SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Stripper?
9tr6gyp3@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Dishwasher mechanic?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
YouTube teaches you this.
0ndead@infosec.pub 11 months ago
Cam whore?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Dont shame me for having a nice dick :)
MoonlightFox@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Rocket surgeon?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I can fix rockets no problem.
Karl@programming.dev 11 months ago
Demon king ?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Only when I play metal!
protist@mander.xyz 11 months ago
Astrophysicist?
Camzing@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I watch the stars…
wazzup@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Same scenario with my son years back. He loved basketball and his skinny, 5ft 8" body was not going to propell him to NBA stardom. My wife accused me of crushing my son’s spirits. I never discouraged him from the sport and went to every high school and travel ball ($$$) game where he mostly sat on the bench. He’s in his 30s now and planning a family, so the dreams are different. I don’t think I did any lasting damage.
But, would I do it the same way again? It’s nuanced to be sure. We want our children to be prepared for their futures and excel, not wash out. What I would do is look for ways to help him discover, on his own, where his real talent lies and comes to the realization himself.l and be there to soften the blow to that dream. Then, if his passion is still football, help him discover all the different career options are available, on and off the field, that can keep him close to his passion.
I hope this helps. If you’re asking, you’re likely a better dad that many out there.
Nurse_Robot@lemmy.world 11 months ago
What a shitty comment. You’re bitching about spending money on your son and spending time with your (ex) wife. Someone as bitter as you probably shouldn’t be giving advice
wazzup@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Hahaha, you’re so off the mark. Maybe you should stick to the posters problem and stay out of my business? I’m not bitter at all, on the contrary, I’m 10 years into a loving relationship and marriage, and not married to a narcissistic, cheating non-human that damaged me and our children. We’re doing our best to pick up from her lying and gas-lighting. It was meant to illustrate that those people closest to their children aren’t necessarily the best to give advice.
As far as the money goes, it was illustrating that I continued to support him monitarily despite his repeated setbacks. Despite other challenges in coordination and cognitive abilities, we worked together and he earned his Eagle in the Boy Scouts. My father didn’t show up for anything.
You’re not recognizing that I continued to support him with time and money illustrates your inability to objectively examine an issue.
Good luck.
Blue_Morpho@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Did the OP edit his post because your reply doesn’t match what he wrote at all?
procrastitron@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Get one of your professional contacts to honestly evaluate him.
You can’t objectively evaluate him since he’s your kid, and any advice he hears from you will be subject to scrutiny since you’re his parent.
If you’re right then your message will be more believable from a third party, and if you’re wrong then they will hopefully catch that.
Either way, you are right to try to set him up for success; that’s your job as his parent.
Chee_Koala@lemmy.world 11 months ago
I love this idea.
dhork@lemmy.world 11 months ago
Since you are a professional who has happened to make it with some level of success, you know firsthand that there are a lot of excellent people who didn’t manage it for one reason or another. (And it’s not always because of lack of talent, they might have just gotten the wrong injury). How did they manage things when they finally came to terms with the fact they wouldn’t make a living doing that? What did they have to fall back on? Are they coaching? Teaching? Selling real estate or insurance?
There is nothing wrong with him chasing his dream, but make sure he has an alternative planned. Make him talk to some of those people, and find his own path. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
CaptPretentious@lemmy.world 11 months ago
IMO, maybe a jerk, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think more people need to hear news they don’t want to hear from someone they trust.
What I’ve told most teens looking at the future post high school is, have more then one career/life goal. When I was in middle school, I thought I wanted to be a professional chef. Only to discover I like cooking. I love cooking for friends/family… I loathed the toxic “professional” setting (especially thanks to Gordan Ramsey, who 20 years ago glamorized being a right jackass in the kitchen, pretending that was acceptable). Now I’ve worked in IT for nearly 2 decades and what I’ve done in my field has changed a lot.
I think lying to him and saying, “You can be anything, you can do anything, you’re amazing!!!” type of parenting is going to lead to problems if/when the plan doesn’t work out and they have no fallback. Personally, coddling your kid and lying to them just because it’s a short-term positive emotion (or you’re afraid of saying the truth), IMO is bad parenting. You’re not there to make sure they get the “right feels” or to be their best friend. You prepare them for the real world. Final note: you hear a lot of professional sports players say “I had a deal with my parents that if <sport> didn’t work out, I’d do <something else>.”