So now that it's that time of year again in the US, what are some tips and tricks for dealing with that one relative who goes on about the same bullshit for hours and won't shut the fuck up?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨last_philosopher@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

You know, the guy who’s been having that same angry conversation about the same fucking thing he’s been obsessed with for the last 5 years and demands that you take his view while going on long monologues and then immediately interrupting anyone who tries to get a word in edgewise? And then goes into a weeks-long suicidal despair if you try to leave the conversation? Any way to deal with that?

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Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
You could try bring an overactive listener. Ask a lot of questions “What does that mean?” “Can you give examples?” if you time them right, it’ll completely mess up his for when he’s monologuing.

Or, at the very least, you can have fun trying to see who can ask the stupidest question about Uncle Dave’s obsession.

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- adespoton@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Or, make it all about you, but only with that person.
  
  “When that happened to ME…”
  
  “That reminds me of the time <totally unrelated thing in your life>….”
  
  “I have a friend who’s an expert in that and HE said….”
  
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- vrek@programming.dev ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Even more fun… Ask random unrelated questions until they break…
  
  What was the horsepower of a 1971 horsepower?
  
  Where did the “curiosity killed the cat” come from?
  
  What is the square root of 144?
  
  How many moons does the earth have? (this is fun because it’s anywhere from 0 to 1 to 2 to many depending on the definition of moon of which there is no formal definition)
  
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  - bobs_monkey@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Answer to all of those questions: 12.
    
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MissJinx@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Guys I’m 43 and my generation is already turning the “fuck this shit” dial in half. If you guys are younger than 35 please PLEASE turn it all the way up!
Your abusive uncle, your homophobic aunt, you shithead brother and your permissive parents FUCK THEM.

If you have to “deal with it” to spend time with people you love they don’t love you back.

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Brkdncr@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Slap your knees , say “whelp…” then stand up and walk away.

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- vrek@programming.dev ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  How to admit you are from the Midwest without directly admitting it…😉
  
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  - alsaaas@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Sounded pretty German to me in terms of behaviour LOL
    
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Apytele@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I’ve been working inpatient psychiatry for almost a decade now and here’s how we talk people out of delusions…

…you don’t. Confronting the delusion directly helps their brain practice protecting the false belief system and strengthens the neural links / pathways. It’s like the ruts made by a wagon wheel, the more the wagon travels the path the deeper they get. All you can do is send the wagon somewhere else and wait for the ruts to erode on their own.

So if you really do love this person and want to bring them out of it, do your best to send the wagon somewhere else. Just glaze over for a second while they rant, then change the subject. Try to connect over knitting or gardening or woodworking or music or old movies or sports or whatever other hobby or social activity / discussion you can use to connect with them over that’s reality based.

That’s how COVID sucked them into all this. It broke up the knitting groups and gardening clubs and cooking classes and all anybody had left to socialize with was Facebook conspiracies. If we want out, we need to focus on rebuilding those communities.

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- FreddiesLantern@leminal.space ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I managed to get out of a Christian cult and I just wanna say that the wagon metaphor is painfully accurate.
  
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Beacon@fedia.io ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Just politely say "I don't want to talk about that, let's talk about tv shows, what's your favorite comedy right now?" (Or whatever other mutually fun topic you want to talk about.) If he tries to keep talking about the topic just repeat that you're not gonna talk about that and offer a second new topic. If he still wants to keep talking about it say "alright I'm gonna go talk to someone else about a different topic, I'll catch you later", then walk away from him

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mrgoosmoos@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
you just don’t invite those people. if it’s out of your control, then you don’t engage

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Randomgal@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
“can we talk about something else? How’s your pet doing btw?”

Some of you lack very basic communication skills.

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- CluckN@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  “Why can’t you talk about real issues? My dog is going to get eaten if Joe Biden becomes president.”
  
  Basic communication crumbles after 4 Bud Lights.
  
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  - Randomgal@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    That sounds alike a different problem other than politics ngl
    
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  - fiddlesticks@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Tbf I wouldn’t be coherent if I had to drink 4 bud lights
    
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Wildmimic@anarchist.nexus ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Be honest before inviting them, that if they behave that way they should stay away. Any suicidal ideation should be discussed with their psychiatrist. There is no shame in cutting ties with toxic people.

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MuttMutt@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I broke contact with my family over twenty years ago. I learned that blood doesn’t make family, good relationships do.

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- indomara@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  You know that quote “Blood is thicker than water”?
  
  The entire quote is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”.
  
  We found our family, and that bond is as strong as any blood.
  
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  - MuttMutt@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    I just wish I had gotten away and found them sooner.
    
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tree_frog_and_rain@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Set healthy boundaries.

“I don’t want to keep talking about this today.”

And then leave the room.

If they make suicidal threats.

“If you’re serious I’m going to have to call a welfare check.”

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cerebralhawks@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Honestly I’ve never had that issue.

One of my favourite things to do at a holiday get-together is hijack the TV with my MacBook. Most people think Apple stuff only talks to other Apple stuff in the Ecosystem/Walled Garden and that Android is some rebel front against Apple. Most people are also fucking stupid. If I’m on your WiFi and you have a smart TV, best believe I can take that shit over with like two clicks. My family has one of those TVs, I think it’s a Roku? where if you don’t watch anything, it goes to this city skyline screensaver with billboards advertising the streaming services it has? Like there’s a Netflix billboard, there’s a Disney+ one, you might even see one for Apple TV at some point. But it’s just a looping video. When I see that — nobody’s picking something — I pull out the MacBook, find a movie, and cast to it. Nobody questions why the TV did that without anyone touching the remote.

Last time, it was KPop Demon Hunters. Maybe a couple people assumed I had something to do with it, but within minutes, all the kids were occupied with it. By the second or third song, even the adults were singing along (I was playing the Sing-Along version). It was great. Might do it again. I can’t just put on anything. It has to hook a few people, which in turn draws others.

So, distraction.

Also, I sit at the kids’ table. They have far more interesting conversations. And there’s always some kid, almost always a girl, usually one around 7-12, who will tell me I don’t belong there. Like some little Philosopher’s Stone-year Hermione, some little know-it-all. I’ll wait until none of the other adults are looking, and she’ll catch a pea or a carrot slice to the face, look at me, and see my look of “I’ll do it again” on my face. That usually settles it. Once in a while it turns into a food fight, which I never get blamed for because I know when to stop.

We only do these whole-family get-togethers a few times a year. It’s usually a good time. But honestly, by the end of the day I just wanna take my pants off and wind down watching TV (at home I mean, and we don’t have kids so I don’t mean anything weird). Get tired of people after a while. Even the fun ones. But the time I gotta be there? I make it work for me.

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- Randelung@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Kid’s table is the secret sauce. So much more fun, adults are happy the kids are looked after, and I don’t have to justify why I still don’t have a girlfriend.
  
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- BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Show Sound of Music next time. The oldsters will love it, and the youngsters will see it for the first time, and realize how truly great it is. Peak Julie Andrews, womderful music, Nazis, what’s not to love?
  
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  - gramie@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Also excellent is The Princess Bride. At the last family party I went to, the parents kept sneaking away from the dinner table to watch snatches of the movie with all the kids.
    
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- corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  
  One of my favourite things to do at a holiday get-together is hijack the TV with my MacBook. Most people think Apple stuff only talks to other Apple stuff in the Ecosystem/Walled Garden and that Android is some rebel front against Apple
  
  Are the vegans taking all the spotlight?
  
  My mom, my aunt, my cousin all get together for coffee, and “why the new iphone sucks” has been a perennial topic. They all have the new swoopy ones, and they all hate 'em. It’s been that way since the non-intuitive gesture change was implemented, so, what; a decade?
  
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ruuster13@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Someone who becomes suicidal because you won’t listen to them rant is addicted to power and control. You’d ultimately be doing them a favor helping them wean themselves off it. You can’t be responsible for someone’s actions in this state. It’s a diametric opposite to, say, someone who is depressed/suicidal because they cannot afford food. They do not need you to listen to them. Tell them to fuck off.

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nocturne@slrpnk.net ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Do not get together with family.

I am hosting a Friendsgiving at my business this year for friends. Other than my wife and kid’s, no family was invited. If I wanted to deal with them I would go to their thing.

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- Beacon@fedia.io ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  It sounds like OP does want to get together with some of their family, they just don't know how to deal with that one individual
  
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Jhex@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
why do you want those people in your life even if they are relatives?

If they can’t take a “sorry uncle Bob, but I disagree with everything you think of X. Why don’t we just avoid this and enjoy dinner”, then they are too emotionally immature/toxic to have in your life

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DaCrazyJamez@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Turn it into a drinking game with your cooler family members…like, “Every time uncle dan says something racist, take a drink”

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Afaithfulnihilist@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
“If this is your entire personality it makes sense that the only place you have to talk about it is with people who think they have no choice but to invite you.”

“If you don’t learn how to read the room you may not be invited back into it.”

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IWW4@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Over 20 years ago I cut that sort of shit out of my life . I stopped wasting my holiday’s on my worthless idiotic shit family.

Cut that shit out of your life.

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sparkles@piefed.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
If you engage even one out of ten times, you’re reinforcing it. You can redirect the conversation. Talk to another person, change the subject, completely disengage with them on that specific topic.

You can set expectations privately going in. Set the boundaries. Reiterate them gently but firmly in a general manner. Polite and businesslike when the forbidden topic comes up, cheerful and interested when any other topic comes up. Again, never directly engaging with the forbidden topic.

All this assumes you still want to get along with this person.

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FriendOfDeSoto@startrek.website ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Set alarms on your phone and pretend it’s phone calls from work, a friend in need, etc. Go hide in there bathroom and take a ten minute break.

Do you have allies in the family? Make a pact to take turns. Get them to lure you away on a pretense. Go help clean the kitchen.

If you can’t wiggle free, give yourself permission to switch off. You don’t have to fight every battle, you don’t need to set everything right. It’s amazing how long you can keep a conversation going if all you do is repeat the last thing they said to you back at them but you raise your tone at the end to turn it into a question. Make plans on how to compensate yourself for enduring this shit. Pat yourself on the back for maintaining peace in the face of adversity.

Nothing bores people more than showing them “a funny video” on YouTube. Or some really boring vacation pictures. Or have a non-controversial topic of your own and stubbornly steer conversation that way. Tell a story with no point. If you’re sitting in something comfy, like an armchair, pretend to fall asleep because you worked so hard. Praise the food and how good it was every time you’re biting your tongue and you really want to say fuck you.

It’s family, it’s the holidays. I’m not saying you should swallow all bullshit. But raise the bar in the interest of family peace. And remember that folks will blame the loudmouths, the ones who raised their voice more than necessary, and not the quiet one for any fracas.

None of these strategies will work by themselves. It’s the mix that does it. It’s better to go into the situation looking at it like a game you play. Not like: fuck! Uncle Bob is going to annoy me again. You have your armor on and uncle Bob can’t do shit.

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Bytemeister@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Tell him loudly that he doesn’t know shit and to shut the fuck up. This is the year you let it all out. You’ve been building a dam of tolerance for this person, a dam which he’s been trying to undermine because he’s too fucking dumb to understand the extreme restraint you have shown against the potential flood right behind those walls.

Let him have it.

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wide_eyed_stupid@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Eh, his invitation got lost in the mail?

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mojofrododojo@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
greyrock that shit. they want to troll the libs, if you react to their fascist shit it’s giving them what they want.

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- tym@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  alternative: “huh? drumpf? OH! That guy who sucked Bill Clinton’s dick! Yeah, what about him again? Sorry, the visual is distracting, don’t you agree?”
  
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callouscomic@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Don’t.

Just removing obligations, and even going no contact does wonders.

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- AwesomeLowlander@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Most people have at least some family they’d like to see during holidays.
  
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  - mrgoosmoos@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    and if those family want to see them, they’ll stop inviting the ones supporting nazis
    
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bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Buy your own house, host the events and when they start up threaten loudly to throw them out if they keep on spewing that racist shit in your house.

Damn that felt good. Best thing ever about owning your own home.

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- BuckWylde@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Ok boomer
  
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  - bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    Got really lucky and bought when interest was low. While the house itself wasn’t cheap the money was.
    
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y0kai@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Bring an airhorn and blast it every time they say something undesirable.

Or visably put in noise canceling headphones when they start talking.

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JackbyDev@programming.dev ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

And then goes into a weeks-long suicidal despair if you try to leave the conversation? Any way to deal with that?

It’s always easier said than done, but I don’t engage with people who use suicide as a threat or bring it up as a regular thing. It’s too exhausting. Life is just too short to deal with that. Not everybody deserves your nuance. Not everybody deserves your time. Especially if they just want to belittle you by saying they’re suicidal as a defense mechanism.

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- KittenBiscuits@lemmy.today ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  If they are really manipulative about it post-gettogether, call in a welfare check on them. Maybe they get annoyed at having to convince authorities they are not suicidal. Maybe they get to spend a couple days in a hospital where they get to share their feelings and be challenged on what it is that causes them to feel that way.
  
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higgsboson@piefed.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Remove them from your life.

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cley_faye@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Don’t invite them? If you know what’s going to happen, and you don’t like it, avoid it.

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bryndos@fedia.io ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Earplugs, and alcohol from the start.

Fake musculo-skeletal injury - sprained ankle would do - where for rehab you have to get up and walk a few thousand steps in a row 2-3 times a day - gives you an excuse to beep your watch at any time and go out for a walk for medical reasons.

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IdontplaytheTrombone@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Provide no opinions. Pretend like you know nothing about politics. Ask questions. They will argue themselves into a corner, get embarrassed, and then stop talking about it. It requires little effort from you, and they do all the work.

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