I’ll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
Everybody gets one [choose wisely]
Submitted 3 weeks ago by balderdash9@lemmy.zip to [deleted]
https://lemmy.zip/pictrs/image/01571a61-e9d0-4876-b03c-6ae9c2061d0d.webp
Comments
Grostleton@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
otacon239@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Is that for here or to go?
Grostleton@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
panda_abyss@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
Let’s try making Karma a real universal force
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Good one! Your wish has been granted (but in an alternate universe). After a period of turmoil, the citizens of Earth C-132 create a utopic society:
panda_abyss@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
This is why the apes blew everything up.
WillFord27@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
unfortunate if it’s the type that goes off of personal moral compass
qyron@sopuli.xyz 3 weeks ago
Okay, let’s try this.
Every single human being, gradually, develops empathy and awareness to how their choices affects themselves and others.
This is to happen over a period of a year and will not lead people to despair but to understand the poor choices they have made throughout their lives and lead them to live better lives, with no malice arbored towards others and themselves.
This effect will include the granter of this wish.
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 weeks ago
Ok, but only for a year and not for you.
qyron@sopuli.xyz 3 weeks ago
If things improve around you, you’re benefitted yourself. Pay attention.
And there is no temporary clause in what I stated.
People undergo the process during the lenght of a year. The outcome permanence is not dependent of that window of time.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request, and gradually grows throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. Over the course of a year, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. By the year 2035, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:
qyron@sopuli.xyz 2 weeks ago
This isn’t a business transaction, where I ask for something and you take something else in return. It is a magical wish.
You don’t get to decide how empathy works between people. It is already an established mechanism. Your job is to nudge it to develop at an enhanced rate between individuals in a given time frame.
The world remains the same. Humans remain the same.
So, if this is what you have to offer, keep your offer.
the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Could you dissapear all the facisim thats popping up everywhere? That would be super.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
RandomVideos@programming.dev 3 weeks ago
Gender changing potion
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Here you go. These are gender-fluids. Once ingested, someone who identifies as either a man or a woman will now identify as gender-fluid. (Does not come with physical changes):
dangling_cat@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 weeks ago
Tbh if we market it as a designer healthy drink and target to 1%, we probably would admonish the concept of gender in no time.
flying_sheep@lemmy.ml 2 weeks ago
Fully automated luxury queer space communism, in the sense it was conceived at (as opposed to you interpreting the words yourself), instantly, with everybody’s belief system magically adapting as if they had lived in this new society for a few decades. As a result, everyone adapts immediately, without negative result on anyone’s mental or physical health, and without anyone being brainwashed or changed in a way they wouldn’t have naturally changed if they had time to experience living in a community that they can trust and that cares about them.
In other words: Iain M. Banks’ Culture decides to bring Earth in, but magically instantly.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
const SIMULATIONTHEORY = true. All humans on Earth are transported out of physical existence and unknowingly adapted to the realm of computer abstracta. From their perspective, nothing has changed: they have always lived in a post-scarcity, interstellar society with a benevolent, queer-friendly, communist government. The current owner of the simulation is startled to see the program start of its own accord, but altruistic enough to allow it to keep running:
flying_sheep@lemmy.ml 2 weeks ago
I see this as an absolute win.
RickyRigatoni@retrolemmy.com 3 weeks ago
puppy
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
RickyRigatoni@retrolemmy.com 3 weeks ago
i can’t eat this. where’s the meat?
diemartin@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
One (1) fall of capitalism please
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
You got it. Post apocalyptic scenario ends all forms of investment and monetary exchange. We go back to the barter system:
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Is that still from Life After People?
MrLLM@ani.social 3 weeks ago
You’ve done more than enough, my child. Get yourself something nice.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
𝔗𝔥𝔞𝔫𝔨 𝔶𝔬𝔲, 𝔰𝔦𝔯𝔢.
I conjure myself up some tea… it verges on the cusp of excessive lemon.
random_character_a@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I want my farts to smell especially pleasant and take people to their happiest childhood memories.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Granted, but all of your farts are now noticeably audible. You can no longer fart quietly:
diptchip@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
You say butt hair, I say fart suppressor.
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
disappear the orange orc.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
nooooo!
RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
A bagel.
No. Wait.
Two bagels.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
The next time that you eat at a restaurant and are entirely full, two fresh artisanal bagels are delivered to your table: they’re complementary.
RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Do you want one? I couldn’t possibly eat two…
OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Whenever someone attempts to make a golf swing, change the friction coeficcient of the grip to zero.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
Sure, there is a period of turmoil on golf courses around the globe. Shenanigans ensue. Eventually, people switch to croquet and disk golf:
OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Mission accomplished.
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
I’d like to be granted the ability to, at any time and without limitation on scope, number, or length, ask the universe questions (asked in the dialect of modern english in which I am fluent) and know the answers, but with the following stipulations:
- that all answers are to be formatted and delivered in such a way that I understand them, without any changes or consequences that my current self (as of the writing of this statement, in my current condition) would consider a significant change to my physical and mental stability, and without requiring more than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline) to understand in fullness, and being delivered in a timeframe of less than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline).
- that any redactions due to such stability concerns as in the prior stipulations are to be formatted and delivered as part of the reformatted answer
- that any answer which is inherently unknowable returns an explanation for why it is unknowable, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
- that no answers pursuant to the ability lead to circular logic
- that this ability, its answers and enabling factors shall not require a sacrifice which my current self (as described above under my current circumstances when informed of the context of the sacrifice in plain English communication) would not think reasonable.
- that if such a sacrifice is required, an explanation of the requisite sacrifice and the factors requiring it be returned to me, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
- that I am to be able to choose to transfer any of these answers to another individual of any species, and that the individual be able to understand the answers, so long as the prior stipulations on sacrifice and physical and mental stability are satisfied both for myself and the secondary individual.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Hmm, I was going to say you go insane but I see you’ve covered that. Okay, nice. Any question you ask will receive a safe response (answered if possible). However, you must ask the questions out loud and every answer given will be in a booming voice that nearly everyone hears around the world. The answers do not physically or mentally harm you, but other people may have psychotic breaks depending on the questions you ask:
(To be clear, the wish doesn’t give you the second ability to talk to animals or transmit thoughts. You’ll have to ask about whether those things are possible.)
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Fair. I would argue that “many people going insane” would be covered under the sacrifice clause, but hey, this seems like the best of all possible outcomes from mucking about with reality.
jim3692@discuss.online 3 weeks ago
For the lazy, here is the summarization of my local AI:
You’d like to have a powerful ability: being able to ask the universe any question in modern English at any time, without limitations or rituals, and receive an answer that’s:
- Understandable by your current self (no significant changes to physical or mental stability)
- Delivered within 3600 seconds (an hour) of asking
- Reformatted if necessary to protect your stability
- Includes explanations for unknowable questions
- Avoids circular logic
- Doesn’t require an unreasonable sacrifice (if a sacrifice is needed, you’ll be informed)
- Allows transfer of answers to another individual, as long as they can understand the answer and meet the previous conditions.
In essence, you want to have direct access to all knowledge in the universe, without any negative consequences or sacrifices that might harm your well-being or stability.
lime@feddit.nu 3 weeks ago
don’t.
if you didn’t think it worth the time to write it, why should i take the time to read it? surely it will be worthless.
i’m not here for the bots.
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Yes, unlimited access to universal truth, with error reporting.
xorollo@leminal.space 3 weeks ago
Can you clear both my nasal passages so I can breath through them simultaneously?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Sure. You now have an extra nose on the side of your face. The nasal passages are clear.
BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
If it lets me breathe properly and consistently living in the south, I don’t even care, throw another one on the other side of my face too as a backup just in case.
the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I dont think there is a wizard that powerful.
Masamune@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I’d like a pleasant surprise that has no negative consequences whatsoever.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Done. 152 Visual Phenomena & Optical Illusions with explanations by Michael Bach: michaelbach.de/ot/
Masamune@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Neat, thank you!
Resonosity@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
A socialist organization of the economy, where everyone works less and less during the week as technology advances and assists, but doesn’t replace, the labor pool.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
You manage to enact a socialist economy in one country for a few years. But the rest of the globe is still largely capitalist. Your president is assassinated, ushering in a pro-capitalist dictatorship:
SailorMoss@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Neoliberalism was born in Chile Neoliberalism will die in Chile!
HerrVorragend@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I want to win a multimillion Euro lottery jackpot soon. Many thanks.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
You will buy a euromillions ticket with the numbers “8 15 26 33 41 9 10”. These are the numbers for a previous EuroMillions jackpot, which you have “won” against all odds:
tja@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
In which date was this? Asking for a friend that is a time traveler
Emi@ani.social 3 weeks ago
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
kboy101222@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
That’s just slices of bread. It’s not a sandwich unless there’s something between the slices of bread!
insomniac_lemon@lemmy.cafe 3 weeks ago
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks ago
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
Two buns enclosing, ketchup, onions, lettuce, pickles, and tomatoes are at your fingertips.
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks ago
finally some good vegan food
Gonzako@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
a couple hugs
bss03@infosec.pub 3 weeks ago
Universal love and Transcendent joy
But, if you can’t do that, I’d like to enjoy the things I used to (~ 2019?) enjoy.
Siegfried@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I want my teeth back and healthy
Simulation6@sopuli.xyz 3 weeks ago
Cancel all requests in this post that would cause harm to anyone.
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 3 weeks ago
The ability to restart parts of my life from a save file, starting from like 16.
Baphomet_The_Blasphemer@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I would love a fully functional self powered Star Trek industrial replicator (pre-programmed)… oh, and while you’re at it, if you could tweak my brain to do the dopamine thing in a healthy way, I’d appreciate it, but fully understand if that’s too much of an ask.
ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 3 weeks ago
Can you do something about the… gestures vaguely at everything?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
Sure. Everything in the universe has been shifted slightly to the left:
Image
ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 3 weeks ago
Γhanks!
Empricorn@feddit.nl 3 weeks ago
Let’s take her for a test drive!
Atlusb@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Yeah, it could a patch or two.