Everybody’s got to fart loudly once a day in front of people.
Everybody gets one [choose wisely]
Submitted 8 months ago by balderdash9@lemmy.zip to [deleted]
https://lemmy.zip/pictrs/image/01571a61-e9d0-4876-b03c-6ae9c2061d0d.webp
Comments
CleoCommunist@lemmy.ml 8 months ago
There are too many possible things to ask
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
The wisest wish, may be no wish at all…
CleoCommunist@lemmy.ml 8 months ago
Exactly
Deflated0ne@lemmy.world 8 months ago
5 acres of woodland in the Appalachian Mountains. With a small house on it. Could be 1 room like an old style cabin.
I wanna leave all the bullshit behind. Raise a garden and maybe a few goats and chickens.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
You are transported to a homestead deep within the Appalachian Mountains. You see seeds, goats, chickens, some tools, a shed, and a small house. The homestead is magically separated from the rest of the world. You are doomed to survive by the fruit of your toil, stranded for decades without electricity or modern conveniences:
Deflated0ne@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Sounds like heaven.
And I’d survive just fine. I was raised in a similar situation. Third world poor in the US. I can raise a garden. I can hunt and forage. I can make a bow and arrows. I can tan hides for leather. I know the basics of blacksmithing.
mergingapples@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Could I also get the ability to bend reality?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Body swap! You are now a wizard who is cursed to answer wishes with an ironic twist. I am finally freeee!
mergingapples@lemmy.world 8 months ago
So long as I can do this stuff for myself, I’m happy to spread the love!
te_abstract_art@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Hello wise one,
I find the Earth’s gravity of 9.80665m/s² a bit much. Sometimes my back hurts from standing too long, and the general weight of existence sits heavy on my shoulders.
Can you make it a bit more comfortable please. Maybe 9.80664?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Sure, I have now reduced the Earth’s gravity to 9.80664% of it’s previous value (i.e., ~0.96m/s²) by removing material in the Earth’s core and mantle. Everything on Earth now weighs less than on the moon. Earthquakes shake the planet, massive fissures swallow cities whole, and the atmosphere begins to disperse into the vacuum of space. Humans barely have enough time to escape to the moon and Mars: the vast majority are left behind. On the bright side, your back no longer hurts:
te_abstract_art@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Thanks that’s perfect, my back feels great.
If I’m allowed another wish, can I get a space suit? Ideally ASAP
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 8 months ago
You find yourself suddenly 3 meters up in the air, which is sufficient to change your personal gravitational acceleration by 0.00001 m/s^2. As you can imagine, it is not fun to fall 3 meters. You do anyway.
ConstantPain@lemmy.world 8 months ago
A pillow with the perfect height and that doesn’t flatten after a week of use.
ConstantPain@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Of course I know him, he is me.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Dozzi92@lemmy.world 8 months ago
I chased this for a while. One was never enough, two too many. Got gifted pillows by my wife a couple times, nothing ever worked. Finally found one, and it’s been huge. We also put a pad on top of our mattress, and don’t know if it’s the combination of that plus the pillow, but for the last few years I’ve used just this one pillow, and it’s been great. I take it with me when we go somewhere for a night.
OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 8 months ago
Whenever someone attempts to make a golf swing, change the friction coeficcient of the grip to zero.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Sure, there is a period of turmoil on golf courses around the globe. Shenanigans ensue. Eventually, people switch to croquet and disk golf:
OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 8 months ago
Mission accomplished.
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 8 months ago
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Two buns enclosing, ketchup, onions, lettuce, pickles, and tomatoes are at your fingertips.
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 8 months ago
finally some good vegan food
hakunawazo@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Ah, Gandalf the Pink. Is that what happens if the Balrog gets you a second time?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
hakunawazo@lemmy.world 8 months ago
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 8 months ago
That is, canonically, almost exactly what Saruman’s robes are supposed to look like:
“I looked then and saw that his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours…” - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring
flying_sheep@lemmy.ml 8 months ago
Fully automated luxury queer space communism, in the sense it was conceived at (as opposed to you interpreting the words yourself), instantly, with everybody’s belief system magically adapting as if they had lived in this new society for a few decades. As a result, everyone adapts immediately, without negative result on anyone’s mental or physical health, and without anyone being brainwashed or changed in a way they wouldn’t have naturally changed if they had time to experience living in a community that they can trust and that cares about them.
In other words: Iain M. Banks’ Culture decides to bring Earth in, but magically instantly.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
const SIMULATIONTHEORY = true. All humans on Earth are transported out of physical existence and unknowingly adapted to the realm of computer abstracta. From their perspective, nothing has changed: they have always lived in a post-scarcity, interstellar society with a benevolent, queer-friendly, communist government. The current owner of the simulation is startled to see the program start of its own accord, but altruistic enough to allow it to keep running:
flying_sheep@lemmy.ml 8 months ago
I see this as an absolute win.
Vespair@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I’m never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Gonzako@lemmy.world 8 months ago
a couple hugs
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 months ago
moosetwin@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 months ago
hell yeah get me some munchies man
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 months ago
qyron@sopuli.xyz 8 months ago
Okay, let’s try this.
Every single human being, gradually, develops empathy and awareness to how their choices affects themselves and others.
This is to happen over a period of a year and will not lead people to despair but to understand the poor choices they have made throughout their lives and lead them to live better lives, with no malice arbored towards others and themselves.
This effect will include the granter of this wish.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request, and gradually grows throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. Over the course of a year, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. By the year 2035, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:
qyron@sopuli.xyz 8 months ago
This isn’t a business transaction, where I ask for something and you take something else in return. It is a magical wish.
You don’t get to decide how empathy works between people. It is already an established mechanism. Your job is to nudge it to develop at an enhanced rate between individuals in a given time frame.
The world remains the same. Humans remain the same.
So, if this is what you have to offer, keep your offer.
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 months ago
Ok, but only for a year and not for you.
qyron@sopuli.xyz 8 months ago
If things improve around you, you’re benefitted yourself. Pay attention.
And there is no temporary clause in what I stated.
People undergo the process during the lenght of a year. The outcome permanence is not dependent of that window of time.
CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world 8 months ago
How about world peace?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Okay, I have now frozen time in the universe. Peaceful eons pass and I move to a parallel universe to escape the boredom:
CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Goddammit! You know what I mean
Agent641@lemmy.world 8 months ago
All life is eradicated. Nothing more peaceful than a cold lifeless rock sailing through space
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 months ago
Thanks for illustrating the point. I wish that didn’t happen, so that all life was not eradicated.
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 months ago
How about we avoid things that target all people without any conditions about how the goal is achieved.
CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Sounds good to me!
MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca 8 months ago
I want my mortgage to be paid off.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Done. You now have a desire for your mortgage to be paid off. (Reading this comment, you feel the intensity of the feeling has increased ever so slightly.)
MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca 8 months ago
Oh good. More stress.
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 months ago
You’ve been filed under Chapter 7 bankruptcy.
MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca 8 months ago
Y’know what? Not the worst idea I’ve heard.
BleatingZombie@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Some spaghetti please!
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 8 months ago
On the internet, no one will know you’ve been turned into spaghetti.
the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 8 months ago
Could you dissapear all the facisim thats popping up everywhere? That would be super.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
Kolanaki@pawb.social 8 months ago
I wanna be my fursona.
bss03@infosec.pub 8 months ago
Universal love and Transcendent joy
But, if you can’t do that, I’d like to enjoy the things I used to (~ 2019?) enjoy.
Afflictedlife@lemmy.ml 8 months ago
Gimme that lich thaumaturgist package, with a polar mountain tower built on a leyline convergence 50 levels up and 50 down. I’ve got a lot of astral projecting I want to do
Siegfried@lemmy.world 8 months ago
I want my teeth back and healthy
HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world 8 months ago
100 tacos for $100 deal at the local shack
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 8 months ago
disappear the orange orc.
lime@feddit.nu 8 months ago
everyone can now shape-shift. this has always been the case.
Goldmage263@sh.itjust.works 8 months ago
For myself, can’t think of much, just a good coffee. I never mastered the art of arabica-dabra. See you at the next wizard summit.
DrunkAnRoot@sh.itjust.works 8 months ago
2 kittens
zbyte64@awful.systems 8 months ago
For the Epstein list to be released and for all the wealthy pesos to be executed.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 8 months ago
The Epstein list is released, which implicates many beloved celebrities, public intellectuals, and even more politicians than everyone thought. And yet, somehow, only the people who hold a lot of their wealth in pesos face any real consequences (execution):
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