Happiness
Everybody gets one [choose wisely]
Submitted 1 day ago by balderdash9@lemmy.zip to [deleted]
https://lemmy.zip/pictrs/image/01571a61-e9d0-4876-b03c-6ae9c2061d0d.webp
Comments
ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 1 day ago
Can you do something about the… gestures vaguely at everything?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 1 day ago
Γhanks!
Atlusb@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Yeah, it could a patch or two.
qyron@sopuli.xyz 17 hours ago
Okay, let’s try this.
Every single human being, gradually, develops empathy and awareness to how their choices affects themselves and others.
This is to happen over a period of a year and will not lead people to despair but to understand the poor choices they have made throughout their lives and lead them to live better lives, with no malice arbored towards others and themselves.
This effect will include the granter of this wish.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 7 hours ago
The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request, and gradually grows throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. Over the course of a year, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. By the year 2035, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:
qyron@sopuli.xyz 6 hours ago
This isn’t a business transaction, where I ask for something and you take something else in return. It is a magical wish.
You don’t get to decide how empathy works between people. It is already an established mechanism. Your job is to nudge it to develop at an enhanced rate between individuals in a given time frame.
The world remains the same. Humans remain the same.
So, if this is what you have to offer, keep your offer.
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 17 hours ago
Ok, but only for a year and not for you.
qyron@sopuli.xyz 15 hours ago
If things improve around you, you’re benefitted yourself. Pay attention.
And there is no temporary clause in what I stated.
People undergo the process during the lenght of a year. The outcome permanence is not dependent of that window of time.
flying_sheep@lemmy.ml 14 hours ago
Fully automated luxury queer space communism, in the sense it was conceived at (as opposed to you interpreting the words yourself), instantly, with everybody’s belief system magically adapting as if they had lived in this new society for a few decades. As a result, everyone adapts immediately, without negative result on anyone’s mental or physical health, and without anyone being brainwashed or changed in a way they wouldn’t have naturally changed if they had time to experience living in a community that they can trust and that cares about them.
In other words: Iain M. Banks’ Culture decides to bring Earth in, but magically instantly.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 5 hours ago
const SIMULATIONTHEORY = true. All humans on Earth are transported out of physical existence and unknowingly adapted to the realm of computer abstracta. From their perspective, nothing has changed: they have always lived in a post-scarcity, interstellar society with a benevolent, queer-friendly, communist government. The current owner of the simulation is startled to see the program start of its own accord, but altruistic enough to allow it to keep running:
macncheese@lemmy.world 6 hours ago
Everybody’s got to fart loudly once a day in front of people.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 4 hours ago
OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 12 hours ago
Whenever someone attempts to make a golf swing, change the friction coeficcient of the grip to zero.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 6 hours ago
Sure, there is a period of turmoil on golf courses around the globe. Shenanigans ensue. Eventually, people switch to croquet and disk golf:
OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 4 hours ago
Mission accomplished.
CleoCommunist@lemmy.ml 6 hours ago
There are too many possible things to ask
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 4 hours ago
The wisest wish, may be no wish at all…
CleoCommunist@lemmy.ml 4 hours ago
Exactly
the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 21 hours ago
Could you dissapear all the facisim thats popping up everywhere? That would be super.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 20 hours ago
Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 13 hours ago
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 5 hours ago
Two buns enclosing, ketchup, onions, lettuce, pickles, and tomatoes are at your fingertips.
umbrella@lemmy.ml 1 day ago
im in a good mood today, just do explosive diarrhea for mark zuckerberg real quick
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
umbrella@lemmy.ml 1 day ago
ooh whoops looking like he just shit himself nice
Grostleton@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 day ago
I’ll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
otacon239@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Is that for here or to go?
Grostleton@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 day ago
ConstantPain@lemmy.world 12 hours ago
A pillow with the perfect height and that doesn’t flatten after a week of use.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 6 hours ago
Dozzi92@lemmy.world 6 hours ago
I chased this for a while. One was never enough, two too many. Got gifted pillows by my wife a couple times, nothing ever worked. Finally found one, and it’s been huge. We also put a pad on top of our mattress, and don’t know if it’s the combination of that plus the pillow, but for the last few years I’ve used just this one pillow, and it’s been great. I take it with me when we go somewhere for a night.
ConstantPain@lemmy.world 5 hours ago
Of course I know him, he is me.
Gonzako@lemmy.world 15 hours ago
a couple hugs
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 4 hours ago
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 hours ago
panda_abyss@lemmy.ca 1 day ago
Let’s try making Karma a real universal force
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
Good one! Your wish has been granted (but in an alternate universe). After a period of turmoil, the citizens of Earth C-132 create a utopic society:
panda_abyss@lemmy.ca 1 day ago
This is why the apes blew everything up.
WillFord27@lemmy.world 1 day ago
unfortunate if it’s the type that goes off of personal moral compass
Vespair@lemmy.zip 14 hours ago
This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I’m never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 6 hours ago
hakunawazo@lemmy.world 13 hours ago
Ah, Gandalf the Pink. Is that what happens if the Balrog gets you a second time?
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 7 hours ago
That is, canonically, almost exactly what Saruman’s robes are supposed to look like:
“I looked then and saw that his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours…” - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring
te_abstract_art@lemmy.world 12 hours ago
Hello wise one,
I find the Earth’s gravity of 9.80665m/s² a bit much. Sometimes my back hurts from standing too long, and the general weight of existence sits heavy on my shoulders.
Can you make it a bit more comfortable please. Maybe 9.80664?
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 7 hours ago
You find yourself suddenly 3 meters up in the air, which is sufficient to change your personal gravitational acceleration by 0.00001 m/s^2. As you can imagine, it is not fun to fall 3 meters. You do anyway.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 5 hours ago
Sure, I have now reduced the Earth’s gravity to 9.80664% of it’s previous value (i.e., ~0.96m/s²) by removing material in the Earth’s core and mantle. Everything on Earth now weighs less than on the moon. Earthquakes shake the planet, massive fissures swallow cities whole, and the atmosphere begins to disperse into the vacuum of space. Humans barely have enough time to escape to the moon and Mars: the vast majority are left behind. On the bright side, your back no longer hurts:
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 23 hours ago
disappear the orange orc.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 21 hours ago
GreenKnight23@lemmy.world 20 hours ago
nooooo!
mergingapples@lemmy.world 11 hours ago
Could I also get the ability to bend reality?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 9 hours ago
Body swap! You are now a wizard who is cursed to answer wishes with an ironic twist. I am finally freeee!
mergingapples@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
So long as I can do this stuff for myself, I’m happy to spread the love!
CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world 18 hours ago
How about world peace?
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 7 hours ago
Okay, I have now frozen time in the universe. Peaceful eons pass and I move to a parallel universe to escape the boredom:
CheerfulPassionFruit@lemmy.world 6 hours ago
Goddammit! You know what I mean
Agent641@lemmy.world 15 hours ago
All life is eradicated. Nothing more peaceful than a cold lifeless rock sailing through space
ToastedPlanet@lemmy.blahaj.zone 14 hours ago
Thanks for illustrating the point. I wish that didn’t happen, so that all life was not eradicated.
xorollo@leminal.space 23 hours ago
Can you clear both my nasal passages so I can breath through them simultaneously?
bss03@infosec.pub 21 hours ago
Universal love and Transcendent joy
But, if you can’t do that, I’d like to enjoy the things I used to (~ 2019?) enjoy.
Siegfried@lemmy.world 22 hours ago
I want my teeth back and healthy
RandomVideos@programming.dev 1 day ago
Gender changing potion
Apocalypteroid@lemmy.world 1 day ago
A divorce
diemartin@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
One (1) fall of capitalism please
wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
I’d like to be granted the ability to, at any time and without limitation on scope, number, or length, ask the universe questions (asked in the dialect of modern english in which I am fluent) and know the answers, but with the following stipulations:
- that all answers are to be formatted and delivered in such a way that I understand them, without any changes or consequences that my current self (as of the writing of this statement, in my current condition) would consider a significant change to my physical and mental stability, and without requiring more than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline) to understand in fullness, and being delivered in a timeframe of less than 3600 metric seconds (relative to my worldline).
- that any redactions due to such stability concerns as in the prior stipulations are to be formatted and delivered as part of the reformatted answer
- that any answer which is inherently unknowable returns an explanation for why it is unknowable, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
- that no answers pursuant to the ability lead to circular logic
- that this ability, its answers and enabling factors shall not require a sacrifice which my current self (as described above under my current circumstances when informed of the context of the sacrifice in plain English communication) would not think reasonable.
- that if such a sacrifice is required, an explanation of the requisite sacrifice and the factors requiring it be returned to me, formatted as an answer pursuant to the prior stipulations
- that I am to be able to choose to transfer any of these answers to another individual of any species, and that the individual be able to understand the answers, so long as the prior stipulations on sacrifice and physical and mental stability are satisfied both for myself and the secondary individual.
MrLLM@ani.social 1 day ago
You’ve done more than enough, my child. Get yourself something nice.
Masamune@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I’d like a pleasant surprise that has no negative consequences whatsoever.
Deflated0ne@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
5 acres of woodland in the Appalachian Mountains. With a small house on it. Could be 1 room like an old style cabin.
I wanna leave all the bullshit behind. Raise a garden and maybe a few goats and chickens.
balderdash9@lemmy.zip 5 hours ago
You are transported to a homestead deep within the Appalachian Mountains. You see seeds, goats, chickens, some tools, a shed, and a small house. The homestead is magically separated from the rest of the world. You are doomed to survive by the fruit of your toil, stranded for decades without electricity or modern conveniences:
Image
Deflated0ne@lemmy.world 3 hours ago
Sounds like heaven.
And I’d survive just fine. I was raised in a similar situation. Third world poor in the US. I can raise a garden. I can hunt and forage. I can make a bow and arrows. I can tan hides for leather. I know the basics of blacksmithing.