Submitted 3 months ago by UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world to [deleted]
https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/2b63fa57-717e-4c98-a873-3b520665cdb0.jpeg
It’s not true, folks. The lying liberal media wants you to think he’d shag a settee. That he’d bone a book stand. That he’s creamied on the credenza.
Don’t trust them. My beautiful boy JD, he’d never do it! He’s chaste with the chaises. He’s never loved a loveseat.
My VP would never fuck furniture.
LBJ: Let’s spread a rumor that he’s a pigfucker.
Aide: But he never fucked a pig…
LBJ: I know. I just want to hear him deny it.
If God didn’t want us to shag couches, why did he make them so damn sexy?
To test those strong in will and trusting in faith.
And God forbade Moses from inserting himself between the couch cushion or folding the pillows in half for pleasure. A second and third time, God commanded Moses, “thou shalt not hump the armrest whilst spanking thyself and going ‘ungh ungh ungh ungh!’”
As Moses mounted the backrest of the couch, God told Moses he was starting to get pissed off. “What?! I can’t even make love to the back cushions?!” Moses exclaimed. “No, not upon any part of the couch shall you spread your seed, I just had it reupholstered.”
Defiantly, Moses did then crap upon his own hand and smeared his filth upon God’s couch. God grew impatient and chided Moses, “You bastard! I’ll fucking kill you before you ever reach Israel for that!” And He saw that it was good while Moses made faces at God and falsely claimed he did not wish to enter Israel anyway.
This is beautiful
You know what? It's 2024, I don't really care if you fuck couches.
There, I said it.
That.
I care really a lot if you accuse somebody of being Hitler and then go work for him. But fuck anybody caring about fucking couches.
First it’s just the couch.
Then it’s the couch with your wife on it.
Then it’s your wife.
This is a documented progression of predatory behavior
You didn’t think about the couch, do you? Animal.
Their silence on the geese claims speaks volumes, however.
Certainly not silence from the goosen consortium
The lambs are eerily quiet on this as well.
Never to completion, eh? Looks like we found someone who loves being on the edge
Is this a real image? Please tell me it’s a real thing the campaign released this is fucking halarious.
It’s crazy and sad how we can’t tell the difference anymore, isn’t it.
LOL whatever you say. couchfucker.
The real joke is that there’s no IKEA in Cleveland. 30 Rock made a joke about it and everything.
Would JD vance ever fuck a couch, melons, jell-O or other food stuffs or furniture? I’m just askin’?
Well, I didn’t think he had sex with Jell-O, but this letter is making me questioning it.
The best part of this is that J.D. Vance will never be able to be in a photo with a couch ever again. Think about how hard that is going to be, especially if he is VP.
Otherwise we’ll be collecting them as evidence of all the couches he’s fucked.
Lenny needs some flair or global politics filter
What’s his stance on shooting puppies?
Gen-Z had entered the contest it seems.
I have a KIVIK in my room. Never thought to have coital relations with it though. Pretty sturdy ottoman. The Ottoman Empire would be proud of the Swedes for it.
Vance has fucked a couch
JoMiran@lemmy.ml 3 months ago
Interesting specificity.
dmMeYourNudes@lemmynsfw.com 3 months ago
Sadly I’m only 80% sure it’s satire
ReallyActuallyFrankenstein@lemmynsfw.com 3 months ago
It’s fake, Mountain Dew isn’t mentioned once.
dditty@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Sadly it is satire
www.snopes.com/…/jd-vance-couch-cushions/
jballs@sh.itjust.works 3 months ago
Damn Snopes could’ve just said it was False, but they went above and beyond by linking all the spiciest memes. Including this one: x.com/MeachamDr/status/1815389845897789815
unexposedhazard@discuss.tchncs.de 3 months ago
Well yeah but is the above response also satire or an actual denial of that satire being true.
crusa187@lemmy.ml 3 months ago
This stood out to me as well, and I too find myself potentially eating the onion on this one.
What a time to be alive!