[deleted]
Probably just think about why that gift is a concern for you, then discuss your concerns with your boy
[deleted]
Submitted 10 months ago by junegloom@reddthat.com to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Comments
Leet@lemmy.zip 9 months ago
TempermentalAnomaly@lemmy.world 9 months ago
- Is your bond solid?
- Does he know the value of work?
- Does he know how much most people would have to work to get that phone?
- Does his friendship nourish him?
Next time the parents decide they, assumingly from a good place, give your son an expensive gift, have them run it by you. Talk to them like they actually care for your son and know, for yourself, that your care is different than theirs. We all need a lot of caring adults when we’re young.
tombrandis@reddthat.com 10 months ago
I don’t think that the gift in itself is a problem or that your son should return it, however I would talk to your son about a power imbalance and make sure that his friend isn’t asking for anything in return or manipulating him. Expensive gifts that have to be paid back is a tactic that gangs (allegedly) use to recruit people but if they are really best friends then I wouldn’t be worried.
Ledericas@lemm.ee 9 months ago
the power imbalance is if the rich friend is giving as a way or the parents, said something about you being poor and needing help, that wouldve been insulting and wierd.
billwashere@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Money means different things to different people. Look at it this way:
A person is a billionaire and they buy your son a car worth $90k. That would be equivalent to if you make $100k and decide to purchase something for $9. Would you care if your son spent $9 on a friend?
I understand your reservations as I would have them too. But keep in mind, giving your kid that kind of access to a network of that level is priceless. As long as the friend isn’t making your son feel subservient or lesser in any way, I’d leave it be.
My only concern is that kids that come from that kind of money, have access to very expensive lawyers, and therefore take risks most people wouldn’t take. I have seen it happen in person where I live (well used to live). It was an affluent neighborhood and sometimes the kids of these affluent people were complete obnoxious assholes. Not all of them, but definitely a statistically significant portion. That’s what I would be more concerned with. Just my 2¢.
thisisnotmyhat@programming.dev 10 months ago
Genuine serious question, and I’m certainly not implying that you should but, do you feel humiliated at all?
JPSound@lemmy.world 10 months ago
LET. YOUR. KID. KEEP. THE. DAMN. GIFT.
If you take it away, the damage you may cause to you and yours sons relationship will FAR exceed the value of a phone.
Also, and I’m not saying this as an insult, it sounds like this is less about a phone, and more about pride. You didn’t get your kid an expensive phone so him having it is a reminder his best friend’s patents can afford what you cannot. Maybe tell your child that they are so loved in this world by others that they want him to be blessed by gifts he wouldn’t otherwise have. Show him he’s a valuable person who has earned such a nice gesture because of who he is and what he means to others. Make sure he doesn’t take such a kind action for granted.
But please, let your boy keep the gift. Him having it means way more than it does to you giving it back.
Jeffool@lemmy.world 10 months ago
I’m glad you’re involved enough to know this and care about it. I’m 44 and have no kids, so take this with a huge grain of salt… But I’d probably let my kid keep it. At 16 you can just sit them down and have a talk with them about it. (And it sounds like you have.) Let them know this means his friend’s family has money that he does not, and you do not.
Let him know that he shouldn’t take advantage of his friend’s cavalier attitude and kindness, nor should he let his friend’s familial wealth pressure him. He should appreciate this, but not expect it, or feel guilty about it. And let him know this is a complex thing, and if they need to talk about it, it’s better they approach you to talk about it early rather than late.
Underscore that this is squarely his friend’s parents money, not his friend’s. It can come and go at any time, and that’s okay. Value the friendship more than the money, and if that changes, don’t accept such gifts.
My folks would invite a cousin my age over for the night before Christmas when we were all in our mid teens. The next morning he would things like clothes, shoes, and an electric razor; things a young guy needs. My folks were not rich, just lower middle class and able to help out. It’s a different situation than your in. But if this family of your child’s friend has money and wants to spread the love and is capable of doing so in an adult and healthy way, I personally think 16 is an age at which someone can begin to deal with the complex dynamics of monetary differences.
You know your kid better than us strangers online. And remember, they also have you on their side. Growing up is going to be difficult anyway. Just be there for them when they need it, and they’ll probably be fine.
Knock_Knock_Lemmy_In@lemmy.world 10 months ago
The phone was bought so the friends could match. This implies there is something negative about them not matching.
A discussion about materialism, peer pressure and fashion is what is needed.
HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club 10 months ago
Why do you want him to return his gift? “A bit too much” can mean a lot of things.
alehel@lemmy.zip 10 months ago
Getting him to returnerte it might damage the friendship and cause issues between you and his parents. Maybe try and find a mutual understanding that this is to much for future presents instead?
Dagwood222@lemm.ee 10 months ago
Let him keep the stuff. If the other boy’s parents don’t care, why should you?
Ledericas@lemm.ee 10 months ago
why would you ask him to return, he dint buy it himself, and it was a gift. it might ruin thier friendship.
wildcardology@lemmy.world 10 months ago
This kind of expensive gift can turn into a “you owe me” kind of situation if the friendship becomes sour.
Zenith@lemm.ee 10 months ago
Look at it from the other persons perspective they 1) feel comfortable doing this and 2) have the financial means to do so why not let them give their best friend a nice guilt? I’m very fortunate to be at the income level I am but as a mom of a 19 and 20 year old if they had asked me to give their best friend a phone I would ask some questions like, do they need one? How old is theirs? Why can’t they afford one? Assuming they had a shitty old phone because they’re poor I would absolutely be ok with my kid giving a (long term) best friend a phone, especially if the friend was also open to it
Assuming they’re just well off and have normal parents I think it’s very possible this is a reasonable gift.
Anytime we have an expensive gift to a friend they personally called us on the phone to thank us, it was always awkward as hell to me but polite, so I think that’s the etiquette when you get a gift life this, to call and say tanks in person or to see them and thank them in person (the kids parents, assuming they bestie didn’t pay for it all on his own in which case that’s between the two of them imo)
BuboScandiacus@mander.xyz 10 months ago
If they can afford it
Kolanaki@pawb.social 10 months ago
If they themselves said it’s pocket change, encourage your son to ask for more.
user224@lemmy.sdf.org 10 months ago
A way to destroy a friendship.
iAvicenna@lemmy.world 10 months ago
If the other kids’ parents approached this call by calling it a pocket change, I suspect they are extremely unpleasant to be around.
SaneMartigan@aussie.zone 10 months ago
If you go back on your son receiving this gift, it’ll be a dick of a dad move. Like some people have mentioned your best bet is probably to have a discussion about wealth and ethics with your son as well as letting him know your concerns. Like some people say, it’s a lot of money for YOU, for these people it’s not.
Owlboi@lemm.ee 10 months ago
I’d be more concerned about teaching your son not to take advantage of his rich friend who constantly asks him for his money and to buy him things ir whatever
HubertManne@piefed.social 10 months ago
Its said its better to give than recieve but for many folks its easier to give than to recieve. Accepting and appreciating something given in good faith is a good thing to cultivate in oneself. Unfortunately we tend to have a culture of mandatory gift giving and reciprocating that tends to result in a lot of junk being created. Its good to have something that is wanted and will be useful. Now if his friend holds it over him in some way then it will ruin the friendship but thats sorta fine as likely it was not a good one anyway, but lets hope that is not the case.
Widdershins@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Steal from the rich: accept expensive gifts from the rich
Give to the poor: at the very least see if anyone needs his old phone. One of you may know somebody who has a cracked screen and is willing to up/side/downgrade to a phone in better condition.
ramble81@lemm.ee 10 months ago
So I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I had a rich friend growing up and they would give me random gifts like game consoles and tickets to concerts that we’d go with them. It was “pocket change” to them. As I got older, I came in to money young and started to do the same thing with my friends, and I realized why they did it and why I did it.
It’s nothing about power dynamics or holding it over others, but wanting to share in your joys and successes. I would buy dinner for friends at nice places because I wanted to enjoy something and I wanted them to also. They were my friends, I have money, why wouldn’t I want to share it? I hate when people are selfish and hoard money, so why not use it for everyone to enjoy.
scarabic@lemmy.world 10 months ago
I’m like you. Not everyone is though. Or they might think they are, and the second they perceive any kind of sleight from the person they’ve showered with free gifts to enjoy, the resentment comes out: “after all I’ve done for you, how dare you [whatever].”
To be fair, this can come as a surprise to the gift giver too. People often legit aren’t aware that their heart is building up expectations as they do “nice things just to be nice.”
Tower@lemmy.zip 10 months ago
In college, I had a job and one of my best friends didn’t. I’d often ask if he wanted to go do something, like bowling or grab some food. When he’d say he didn’t have any money, I’d say “I’m asking if you want to, not if you can. It’s on me.” I just wanted to hang out with my buddy.
Knock_Knock_Lemmy_In@lemmy.world 10 months ago
This logic is fine for concerts, restaurants etc. but it doesn’t stretch to friends having the same model of phone.
Nibodhika@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Hahaha, I had a friend around college time where we had the exact same dialogue every time:
- Hey, wanna go watch a movie?
- I can’t, I don’t have any money
- How many times have I told you, I’m asking you if you want to, not if you can, I’ll pay for you
I wasn’t rich or anything, but paying for that extra ticket or meal wouldn’t break my bank and he was my friend, I enjoyed hanging out with, so I would gladly spend that money to hang out with him.
ApathyTree@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 months ago
Stuff like this is why I have a rule with my friends, because we are all varying levels of broke at various times.
Whomever suggests going out (typically no more than 3 people) must be fully prepared to cover the costs of everyone being invited. They usually don’t have to do so, but it ensures that nobody feels awkward because they can’t afford to go.
Rigal@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Think on gifting him something inexpensive for you, bake them something or something like inviting your son’s friend to dinner at home. It’s healthy to reciprocate within your economic situation. That way it doesn’t become charity.
Microw@lemm.ee 10 months ago
This. And I’d bet there is something that OP can easily do that the rich kid/his family are not used to.
throwawayacc0430@sh.itjust.works 10 months ago
- Reject the gift
- Start a meth empire
- ???
- “I am now become Heisenberg, the knocker of doors”
(C’mon just keep it. Its not like there’s “strings attached” or anything, right?)
gregs_gumption@lemm.ee 10 months ago
There are somethings to worry about here, but the biggest red flag is the motivation. Buying someone you barely know a gift “so they can match” screams manipulation and control.
Buying a brand new friend a new phone because theirs broke? Cool I guess. Buying a new friend a new phone so they can look like you? That sets off alarm bells in my head and I’d have a serious talk with your kid about boundaries and power and control dybamics.
midribbon_action@lemmy.blahaj.zone 10 months ago
I can’t help but wonder if your son is shy about his relationship or maybe he has some fear about talking about it with you. It sounds like things are more serious between them than he’s telling you. It’s not impossible to make new friends as a high school junior, but the way it is described it sounds more likely they are romantically involved, and in that case, expensive gifts aren’t very strange for someone in an upper middle class family.
chosensilence@pawb.social 10 months ago
i don’t understand why you’re bothered by this, honestly. sounds like you have psychological hangups regarding being given stuff for free and should absolutely not project that shame on your son.
FabledAepitaph@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Right? Just take the win and move on!
RedditIsDeddit@lemmy.world 10 months ago
there’s nothing wrong with accepting a gift from a friend
FeelzGoodMan420@eviltoast.org 10 months ago
Bruh it’s a free fucking phone. The parents said they’re good with it. Stop being insecure and let your son enjoy his free phone.
dependencyinjection@discuss.tchncs.de 10 months ago
Stop being insecure
This is about as useful as telling someone with depression to just cheer up.
I’m not saying don’t work on your insecurities, but I didn’t get that vibe from your usage.
BlameThePeacock@lemmy.ca 10 months ago
From a best friend, sure, I fully agree.
However do be careful when it comes to other relationships, it does have the potential to cause problems.
FeelzGoodMan420@eviltoast.org 10 months ago
OP said it’s his Son’s best friend?
Forester@pawb.social 10 months ago
Something to consider: To me this sounds like they are more than platonic friends. That’s a relationship gift if I have ever seen one.
Pudutr0n@feddit.cl 10 months ago
To some people in my country, taking someone to mcdonalds is a nice date. Financial context is relevant to understand the emotional intention of a material gesture.
Forester@pawb.social 9 months ago
I’m saying that this is a “ring”
Jarix@lemmy.world 9 months ago
When i was maybe 11, couldn’t go on a class field trip because my family couldn’t afford it.
My friend group got the money together so i could join them.
I still wasnt allowed to go on the trip because what i learned late was embarrassment that my family could afford it.
It was less than 50$
I’m still salty about that