Would you ever straight up say to your son, ‘You are a disappointment’?
i would say that’s a terrible parent. glad mine’s not.
Would you ever call your son a disappointment?
Submitted 1 day ago by PixelNomad@sopuli.xyz to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Comments
hexagonwin@lemmy.today 2 hours ago
mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 11 hours ago
if they were hateful. punching down types. maga. racists. yeah, yeah, I would.
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 1 day ago
No, unless they became a pedophile, serial killer, rapist or something extreme like that
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 2 hours ago
wouldnt that be the fault of the parent for not monitoring the upbring of thier children.
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 1 hour ago
probably i dunno, i hate kids
monkeyman76@fedinsfw.app 1 day ago
Or an influencer.
Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 2 hours ago
depends on what they do. theres 2 types, a rich influencer (the most common as most of them tend to come from upper middle class and beyond) and the “semi not come from money ones”. if they produce greed slop likes of mr beast or become a uninformed political influencer than that would be a disappointment.
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 23 hours ago
Pholous@piefed.social 21 hours ago
Being a pedophile isn’t a choice, it’s a psychological dysfunction. Acting on that impulse is a crime and something to be punished - or treated in a medical facility.
ickplant@lemmy.world 19 hours ago
Thank you for saying that. I have worked with MAPs (minor attracted people), and majority of them do not want to offend, and understand they can never act on their desires. They were actively seeking treatment and felt suicidal because of their attraction.
OriginEnergySux@lemmy.world 14 hours ago
I dont care. If my hypothetical son that will never be born turns into a pedophile and has sex with children, then i will call them a dissapointment.
abbadon420@sh.itjust.works 22 hours ago
No, but I would say something like “I am very dissapointed in you for doing X”. A kid can’t change who they “are”, but they can change what they “do”.
scarabic@lemmy.world 13 hours ago
This is a key distinction. To make sure they understand it properly, I usually push it even further to “You did a disappointing thing.”
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 17 hours ago
Those are the same things. You are what you do.
scarabic@lemmy.world 13 hours ago
You can choose and change what you do.
You can’t choose or change what you are.
If you get confused about do / be just refer back to those rules and you’ll know which one applies.
Sharkticon@lemmy.zip 12 hours ago
It’s extremely hard to imagine but yeah there are lines.
TractorDuffy@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
I wouldn’t have children because I’m not a selfish psychopath.
corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca 10 hours ago
No. “Being a disappointing,” yes. “A disappointment,” no.
The difference is one is a fixable behaviour, and the other is an identity.
DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
Bruh I’m an Asian son and I’ve been on the receiving end of these words 💀
Kolanaki@pawb.social 11 hours ago
If they were disappointing, maybe.
Cevilia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 hours ago
I’d be disappointed to find I had one. I’d be a terrible mother and my wife would be even worse!
OhStopYellingAtMe@lemmy.world 23 hours ago
Yeah, if he came home spirting a maga hat or a Charlie Kirk t-shirt or something.
I’m raising my kid to be smart and to care about others. So really I’d be disappointed in myself for not being a better teacher.9tr6gyp3@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I wouldn’t call any child, as a human, a disappointment, but I believe there are some rare occasions where their actions should be framed as disappointing.
Label the action disappointing, explain the reasoning that led to that conclusion, and explain how it could affect the future for both the parents and the child. Communication is key, and also try to leave some room for the child to grow. The less often you call something disappointing, the more powerful it can be, and can be used as a way to seriously correct behavior.
scarabic@lemmy.world 13 hours ago
Never. My son is a person I could never have imagined. I don’t see what relevance my expectations of him are to anyone or anything. I’m not sure I ever had any.
Why should I? Our children are not products we purchased or objects we crafted. They are new beings coming into the universe under our care but for a while.
You discharge that responsibility on their behalf. That’s it. Of course that means setting standards for them to meet, but even this discipline you do for their own sake. You don’t get expect them to be anything.
That’s negotiating with fate - about as pointless as negotiating with death.
laranis@lemmy.zip 15 hours ago
I once explored the hypothetical of what would make me abandon the love for one of my kids. I went with something awful: imagine we found out they were a gruesome serial killer in secret. I decided after pondering it that I would continue to love and support them even through that. No one else would, rightfully so. But I think it is my duty even when the rest of humanity has abandoned them.
Writing this I thought of a variation. Instead of a serial killer, what if they murdered my spouse or one of their siblings. I’ll have to ponder that. I’d like to think I’d have the same unconditional love but I’m really not sure. In that case I might have to admit that I’m disappointed in them.
BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 21 hours ago
This is some really heavy parenting. I hope I’d never have to, but if it was warranted it would be very important that it was actionable. I.e., I’m disappointed in you because you’re doing [x] and you need to do [y]. It’s my job as a parent in this situation to communicate why and how to do better.
spencerwi@feddit.org 22 hours ago
No.
I might, if what they did were severe enough, express that what they did is disappointing. But that’s different from branding them with the iron of disappointment-as-identity. Everyone does stuff sometimes that is worse than they aspire to be. The trick is coming back from it, learning and growing and changing.
I remember how it felt the day I asked my mom, after she had smacked me around a bunch and screamed at me for stuff she made up about me, “what did I ever do to you to make you hate me this much?”, and she screamed back “YOU WERE BORN!”
I was 12. No kid should ever feel the hopelessness and abandonment I felt in that moment.
ephrin@sh.itjust.works 17 hours ago
I’m sorry that happened to you.
angrystego@lemmy.world 17 hours ago
If he turned out to be a cold psychopatic serial killer, I would.
ickplant@lemmy.world 19 hours ago
No, like others said I might point out his behavior is disappointing, but never him.
IWW4@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
His behavior yes. He lack of behavior yes. Never him.
daggermoon@piefed.world 23 hours ago
He don’t say it but I can see it in his eyes.
Strider@lemmy.world 16 hours ago
No
Nemo@slrpnk.net 22 hours ago
I wouldn’t say that to anybody.
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 17 hours ago
I can’t imagine ever saying that.
SCmSTR@lemmy.blahaj.zone 17 hours ago
No. Because that’s shitty and dumb.
As a parent, it is your responsibility. So if your kid is disappointing you, it is you who have fucked up.
Do something about it.
Josey_Wales@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Variation on the theme: would you ever tell your child “You weren’t worth it.”
OP assuming you are asking for a reason, my view after some time is that when a parent make a statements like that it reflects more about the parent than the child.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 19 hours ago
Yes, assuming they have disappointed me.
It’s normal to express your emotions.
angrystego@lemmy.world 17 hours ago
It’s normal to express emotions and it’s good to learn to first process them properly and then express them in a healthy way that is not harmful for others.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 17 hours ago
Yeah, no.
This ‘do no harm’ shit is nothing more than toxic positivity.
Pain is part of life. Learn to deal with it and stop trying to avoid it pathologically. You should feel bad for disappointing people.
Ikon@sh.itjust.works 16 hours ago
I agree thats its normal to express your emotions, but there is a difference between telling someone that they have disappointed you and telling someone that they are a disappointment.
Calling someone a disappointment implies that it is something intrinsic about the person, while saying that someone has disappointed you shows that it is something that they have done and isn’t an overarching accusation.
fizzle@quokk.au 23 hours ago
No.
Some people really seem to get something out of hurting other people. My best guess is that its a learned coping mechanism. “I feel bad so im going to make you feel bad and your response might fix whatever i feel bad about”.
The only appropriate response is that whoever said that is a disappointing human.
rossman@lemmy.zip 11 hours ago
I was called lesser so kinda the same thing. I never use that word cause it’s reserved for tywin Lannister type of dudes lol
BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 11 hours ago
My kid is a dream. I was an older Dad, and I worried about dealing with a teenager during my 50s, but he has always been level headed. We never had to deal with drug, alcohol, smoking, no pregnancy scares, nothing. He got great grades, really talented, a school leader without even trying. He could be a little lazy, I used to have to remind him that he couldn’t be a slacker because his peers were watching him.
madcaesar@lemmy.world 31 minutes ago
If they were a triple Trumper, yes.
But in all seriousness, you’re a disappointment sounds like a line from a movie, real life doesn’t really do dialog like that.