As an asexual girl who still wants a male partner, would “scheduled sex” be a dealbreaker for men?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨luminelle_rose@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

I don’t like sex, I don’t have a sex drive. At the same time, I don’t feel repulsed by it either. So I’d be willing to have a schedule so that my hypothetical partner has his needs met.

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BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨7⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
I’ve often thought that scheduling it would be kind of amazing, but for most I’ve been with, feel like that wouldn’t be an attractive prospect.

I’d feel really bad if my partner wasn’t enjoying themselves on this one though and even without that concern it wouldn’t feel like your idea here would be sustainable. It would be very hard to convince me that this was something that could be maintained over a long term relationship.

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xxce2AAb@feddit.dk ⁨29⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
Depends on the man, I suppose. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested for at least two reasons: 1) That arrangement falls well short of the level of consent I’d require to feel comfortable and 2) Sex in and of itself is pointless. I can take ‘care of my needs’ by masturbating on my own. Sex with another person is about more than mere physical pleasure. It’s ideally a feedback loop: Feeling good by making your partner feel good, because you want that for them.

If the person I’m with doesn’t feel good about it, I wouldn’t either. And I would strongly suggest not seeking out that kind of man who thinks otherwise.

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Nemo@slrpnk.net ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
It’s a dealbreaker for me. I only want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me. I don’t just want a yes, I want a YES! with the exclaimation point.

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FridaySteve@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
You’d have to also find a man who is only interested in sex to “get his needs met” which is much more rare than Hollywood leads people to believe.

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- luminelle_rose@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Huh. Didn’t even think of this. My asexuality is probably affecting my perception of sex in general. In my mind that’s how I think men see sex.
  
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  - ALoafOfBread@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    My wife is on the ace spectrum. She enjoys sex, but only experiences reactive sexual desire (i.e. she’ll get in the mood once sex is basically already happening). Effectively she does not experience sexual desire in the way people typically mean that.
    
    That’s been a struggle for us. We don’t do scheduled sex, but it’s something we’ve considered. Even though we have very good (if infrequent) sex, the frequency isn’t the thing that’s hard for me to deal with. The hardest thing is not feeling desired in ways I am used to in relationships. That has made me feel insecure and just overall is not great. But it’s something we’ve had to work through.
    
    So all that goes to say: yes, if you find the right person you’ll be able to make it work. The key, in my opinion, is talking about it and being very clear about how you’re wired and that it isn’t anything wrong with them.
    
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  - iii@mander.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    Men are people too
    
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  - FridaySteve@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    In the early 90s in sex ed they told us all, as a group, that men are only looking for sex to get a load off and women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters except and of course obviously your life partner who you submit to on your wedding night and stay with forever. Literally we were taught this in public school. It’s no wonder people view sex and gender the way you do. Nowadays thankfully we view both sex and gender as individual.
    
    To respond to your original idea, it sounds like a compromise. When you find the right person (and there’s someone for everybody) you won’t have compromise on that core, basic level. That’s what sexual compatibility is.
    
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zxqwas@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
First step should probably be looking for an asexual guy.

I don’t think a high or even average sex drive guy in his 20-30 would be very happy. But there are low drive guys too, and if you keep looking you’re doomed to succeed.

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- WalrusDragonOnABike@reddthat.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
  Curious how compatibility with a high-sex-drive ace and a low-sex-drive allo would compare typically.
  
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JoMiran@lemmy.ml ⁨39⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
As you can tell by the responses so far, there is no one correct answer other than being very open and upfront about it. Something I might also recommend is dating older men. In many men, the sex drive falls off a cliff after a certain age to where he might not mind scheduled sex, but you still need to show physical warmth and intimacy. Also, if you put yourself on a schedule to initiate sex, he might not even catch on because sex isn’t as big a driver as is once was.

Please don’t take this as anything but yet another different answer to a question with many different answers.

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nimble@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
There’s nothing wrong with scheduled sex and many couples find it useful. I think the bigger issue for me would be that this is essentially “duty sex” though. I don’t think i could be in a relationship with duty sex alone. That’d fuck with my head too much over doing something that i know my SO doesn’t enjoy, plus duty sex is just not fun for me.

Ps. There’s some ace communities around (asexual @lemmy.world and lemmy.blahaj.zone come to mind). Welcome to lemmy!

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- Hoimo@ani.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨minute⁩ ago
  Community links:
  
  !asexual@lemmy.world
  
  !asexual@lemmy.blahaj.zone
  
  Both could use some more activity. (Like an asexual’s sex life amirite?)
  
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aramis87@fedia.io ⁨31⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
If I may ask, without being rude: are you sure you're asexual and not [demisexual](https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Demisexual]? For me, there would be a difference between someone who's really not interested in sex at all vs someone who's really only interested in sex once they've emotionally bonded with a person.

If you are asexual, there are definitely other asexuals out there who would still be interested in having nonsexual partners.

In your original post, you mentioned male partners; I'd also suggest you consider whether you'd be okay with a nonsexual female partner. Again, not trying to be rude, you just seem to be trying to figure out how you can get fit, and I'm not sure what options you've considered.

You should also know that your preferences can change over time, and that's okay as well; it doesn't necessarily mean that you were "wrong" about who you were, it may simply mean something is different about either you or your situation.

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mech@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
Not all men are the same, so there is no one answer to this.
It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and we have a very happy marriage.
One condition for me personally is that I’m free to “take care of myself” without her having issues with that, or interrogating me who I think about when I do it.
Whether you’re OK with your partner watching porn is another subject you’ll have to discuss with him.
So basically, the golden rule of relationships applies: Everything is allowed as long as everyone involved consents willingly.

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- ltxrtquq@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
  It’s just like Rush Limbaugh said: if there is consent on [all sides], it’s perfectly fine, whatever it is.
  
  There’s no real need for me to bring up the dead conservative talking head here, but I still laugh to myself sometimes when I remember how mockingly he got it exactly right, and maybe someone else could use a laugh too.
  
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  - loutr@sh.itjust.works ⁨36⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
    I have a really hard time understanding how he considers any of that a problem.
    
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- poplargrove@lemmy.world ⁨58⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
  No need to reply if this is too personal. When you say “similar situation”, you mean your wife is ace? I dont know much about this so Im curious why else a spouse might not want sex at all.
  
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  - mech@feddit.org ⁨35⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
    I don’t know what the terminology is exactly.
    She enjoys sex, but she doesn’t really have a sex drive. For her it’s a completely optional fun activity, not a need.
    But we cuddle and kiss a lot.
    
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nondescripthandle@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨28⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
A friend of mine from a while back was an Ace woman who was in a steady relationship. She was very open about her orientation and would answer questions if you asked her in good faith. I don’t think they scheduled their sex, but she much like you was interested in making sure her partner was satisfied. I used to joke that I knew Ace people who had more sex than me because of her, but the moral of the story here is it’s definitely a manageable thing with the right partner.

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Buffalox@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
For some people sex is a minor thing, what matters is emotional closeness. You can have closeness without sex.
I think you can find someone without too much sex easily, I hear all over the place that men are actually tiring of sex just as much as many women are.
The main difference being that women often think it’s their fault when men don’t want to have sex.

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- burntbacon@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨38⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
  Yeah, this would be it for me. If my partner didn’t want to have sex, fine, not a big deal. But if my partner didn’t want to sit next to me and lean on me? If my partner didn’t want to hold hands or hug me from behind while I’m cooking? If I didn’t get a sudden jump into my lap and an insistent plead for a shoulder rub?
  
  Those would break me. Even for the folks who don’t want to admit it, there is a driving need for intimacy, and sex just often sort of fits that need or is used to mask it.
  
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  - Buffalox@lemmy.world ⁨29⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
    Well put, that’s exactly what I mean.
    
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Diddlydee@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
Doing anything with someone who clearly isn’t enjoying it generally won’t work.

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Nomad@infosec.pub ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
I have a partner like this. Only I didn’t know for 10 years. Only noticed she would do her duty. I can assure you this is not enough. She is the avoidant type and can’t help it. Now we have three kids and I can’t leave them. Sex is out of the question now obviously and life together is hard.

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- mech@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
  My parents moved into separate bedrooms when I was 6. My mom moved out when I was 10.
  It was an incredible relief for us children. Not because we hated her or anything.
  But the fighting stopped. Both of them stopped drinking daily. The constant, tense atmosphere at home was gone.
  We continued living with our dad, but spent most of the day at our mom’s place 3x a week.
  Weekends were usually spent with both parents. Because since they weren’t forced to live together anymore, they actually got along very well in a friendly way.
  Later we celebrated big holidays together with my parents AND their respective new partners, and my mom was present at my dad’s second wedding, as was her new partner.
  It probably doesn’t work out like that very often. But your children feel when a marriage is only sustained “for their sake”, even if they aren’t conscious of it and can’t put it into words. So separation can also be better for them.
  
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- protist@mander.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
  Divorcing doesn’t mean leaving them. It can be possible to separate amicably. You’re likely to be a better father to your children if you take care of yourself, too
  
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  - x00z@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    Divorce is a big word.
    
    Where’s the open marriage advice?
    
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- XeroxCool@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
  It’s obviously hard to know how my childhood would have been had my parents divorced, but my main “benefit” from them staying together is that I saw who I didn’t want to be. That’s not much. It soured my views on marriage, which only got worse when my long-term partner’s parents started pushing for it. Both my now-in-laws were remarried, telling me how important marriage was, while also having a relationship with each other as contentious as my own parents. (Eventually, I had 8 friends get married in one year and the whole thing clicked for me with much, much healthier examples)
  
  Would life have been worse with split parents? Who knows. No way of telling. Lose some negativity, potentially add a ton of instability.
  
  I can’t recommend one way or the other. I only ask you consider your own mental health and attitude and how it affects your family’s home life. But the one thing I can say pretty confidently (and of course don’t know if you do this): as frustrating as shit gets, do not trash talk your spouse to your kids. And if you’re really trying to explain to them why your spouse is hurting you, you better be as innocent as you portray yourself. I took my dad’s words to heart and despised my mom through my teen years, only to come around in my 20s and realized it was my dad who was the mean one. The stories didn’t add up. I mean, he literally complained to me once (after I saw the truth) that my mom withheld sex for 2 years for some bullshit set of reasons that included everything except himself. It was pretty clear at that point she had no interest in the miserable old man he became, along with him watching political “news” all day, complaining about dinner not being done, not cleaning, etc.
  
  Kids see everything. They aren’t naive forever.
  
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falseWhite@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
If you’re okay with sex and aren’t repulsed, why does it have to be scheduled?

Normally, romantic evenings and dates lead to sex, would that be enough of a “schedule”?

I.e. you have a romantic evening with your partner, and he is making moves to escalate, so you know he has “needs” tonight.

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CallMeAnAI@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
For me yes.

I’m not trying to shame you or anything, you are who you are, but your entire sentence and intent while well meaning, is an utter turn off. A chunk of me being into it is having my partner into it.

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AnnaLogg@lemmy.world ⁨35⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
definitely not a dealbreaker for me, though i’d also like to know if the woman would experience some form of physical arousal and that post-coital cuddle urge (is there a name for that?)

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MojoMcJojo@lemmy.world ⁨35⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
To me personally, sex is like singing together in harmony with your bodies.

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ICCrawler@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
There’s enough fish in the sea that there’s probably a guy out there’ll that’ll be a fit if you try hard enough to look, but if I were a bettin man I’d wager they are considerably few in number. How you act during sex also matters, whether act or not. Basically, I doubt many men would be fine with a “dead fish.”

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systemglitch@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
It would be a deal breaker for me.

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pinball_wizard@lemmy.zip ⁨48⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
Being a great communicator and a generous lover is more attractive than most of the considerations discussed here, so far.

Many the challenges of being ace or on the ace spectrum in a relationship can be overcome by regular use of phrases like:

“Dear, would you like a handjob tonight?” and “I love the look on your face when I fuck you. Let’s fuck tonight.”

Just be sure it is what you really want - it would be kind of silly to put in the needed effort if it is not somehow also serving your needs.

Great communication and generousity are incredibly attractive in a sexual partner, and both can be cultivated by anyone who chooses to put in the practice.

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RumorsOfLove@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
I love this idea.

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Onomatopoeia@lemmy.cafe ⁨58⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
Yea, no, I wouldn’t recommend searching for this unicorn.

Scheduled sex with someone who’s indifferent to it?

Do you want scheduled emotional closeness with someone who isn’t into it?

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- burntbacon@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨36⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
  “You have received your standard ten minutes of hand holding, please exit the couch and proceed to the kitchen for nutritional time. Five minutes are allotted for hand washing and table-setting.”
  
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kibiz0r@midwest.social ⁨42⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
For a majority of men, probably, but not an overwhelming majority. Which still leaves a ton of people you could be compatible with.

Don’t overthink it and try to be something you’re not. Just take your time, get to know people, be curious and honest. Stay true to yourself. Don’t apologize and adapt just because you assume you have to.

You’re not trying to date everyone, just the right one. So why bother with what the rest think?

You’ll find someone that “just works” with who you already are. When you do, your dynamic with come naturally as a result of your unique relationship, and it won’t be precisely the same as any timeshare sex model you might have tried to plan ahead on Lemmy.

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