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Relationships are like a ying yang. The people have to fit together
There’s people out there into that. Find one of them, not someone who will settle for that arrangement
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Submitted 4 months ago by luminelle_rose@lemmy.world to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Comments
theneverfox@pawb.social 4 months ago
MonkderVierte@lemmy.zip 4 months ago
I think that’s up to the individual.
sopularity_fax@sopuli.xyz 4 months ago
How do ace folks feel about orgasms? Like, isnt that enjoyable for anyone?
Witchfire@lemmy.world 4 months ago
They’re meh at best. My ADHD rarely lets me enjoy them
sopularity_fax@sopuli.xyz 4 months ago
Huh? Even with a decent ahem vibe?
drdiddlybadger@pawb.social 4 months ago
There are plenty of us who would be cool as fuck with that.
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 months ago
A bunch of people have already pointed out that, generally, most men are not simply looking for a fleshlight with legs attached, they’re looking to have a very enjoyable time with someone who is also having a very enjoyable time with them.
Personally, as a queer dude, nope, I could not do a serious relationship with a literally 0 sex drive guy, gal, any other gender / trans status, etc.
Even if you had a sex schedule that actually matched with hypothetically my sex drive, nope, I would know that you having sex with me is literally a chore for you.
Nope. Doesn’t work for me. I aim to please, and knowing that’s impossible for me to do with you?
I’d end up leaving, due to not being able to satisfy my need/desire to feel that I am satisfying someone else’s need/desire.
The good thing here is that you are honest and upfront about your 0 sex drive.
You would probably, I would imagine, have the best luck finding a mate who also has literally 0 sex drive, and is also as upfront and honest about that as you are.
Also… I have a question.
So, you have 0 sex drive.
How would you view, or feel about, if you did have a long term partner, with a sex drive, and they just slept with other people?
Would you view that as cheating, intolerable, or would you not care at all, or maybe somewhere in the middle, or something more nuanced?
Like uh, say they live with you, come home from work to you every day, you two cuddle and snuggle and go on dates and figure out bills together… but they just take that sex schedule idea you’re proposing, and instead take those timeslots to uh, pencil in somebody else.
How would you fedl about that scenario, or something approximating it?
Would that be like “Great! More time for me to do me stuff!” or … not?
Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Hypothetical sex is the best
Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
I know some men who don’t care about sex much and would be fine with that arrangement. They are the kind of guys that aren’t out in the wild much, so finding one outside of apps will be hard.
Muaddib@sopuli.xyz 4 months ago
I think you’d be better served finding an asexual boyfriend or doing polyamoury.
Randomgal@lemmy.ca 4 months ago
Depends on the man really. O think it would work for some but be a deal breaker for others.
Devial@discuss.online 4 months ago
Scheduled sex is itself fine, however most men (at least those worth considering as a long term partner in the first place) derive much, if not most-all, of their enjoyment of sex of the human connection, and feeling the desire and arousal of their partner.
Sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it, and just passively accepting does not sound appealing at all to me, and I’d be weary around men who are open accepting such an arrangement, because imo it strays into areas of ambiguous consent.
At that point, it’s probably similarly enjoyable, and much healthier, if your partner takes of their urges by masturbing. You could potentially even support a future partner in that, by e.g. gifting him sex toys like fleshlights. It shows that you genuinely care about his pleasure, even if you’re not into actively participating in sex. This is for example a relationship I (as a cis man) could exist in perfectly happily.
And whilst it’s obviously not everyone, and it can be emotionally challenging, I would also consider the potential for an open relationship, where your partners urges could be satisfied without your participation.
Devial@discuss.online 4 months ago
Also, even if you do decide to try it with a partner who wants to try your scheduled sex idea, I would definitely not start with sex.
Start slowly, by for example offering to jerk him off, or allowing him to masturbate to your naked body. Try it out slowly, and then see if you’re both comfortable with this type/level of intimacy, before jumping straight to penetrative sex.
It’s a very delicate affair, not just for you, but for the man as well. Having sex with a woman who is unresponsive, and just passively accepting, has a potential to make your partner subconsciously feel like they’re abusing, or even raping, you (even if you explicitly give consent, the subconscious rarely care about rational truths), which has the potential to lead serious sexual trauma.
SirDankbud@lemmy.ca 4 months ago
I just want to point out that for many of us, sex ends up kinda scheduled anyway. When my wife and I started dating, we were both against scheduled sex and kept things organic. Now that we’re 40 and work 40 hours a week, fridays and sundays are generally the only days we have enough time and energy to do it. It isn’t exactly scheduled, but functionally I see no difference. The only times we’ve deviated from that in the last few years is when we’re on vacation.
Track_Shovel@slrpnk.net 4 months ago
Lol, you’re describing married life.
With other commitments, kids, etc there is zero spontaneity. Often planned sex falls through because someone is tired or something comes up.
If anything you’re ahead of the curve lol.
Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
Married life with kids. Before kids it was never “scheduled”. Now it almost has to be because our kid likes to go to bed late.
wampus@lemmy.ca 4 months ago
For me personally, yeah, it wouldn’t work. As others noted, it needs to be reciprocal attraction for sex to really feel good / get you that endorphin hit. Based on the number of replies noting it, it seems fair to say that men’s needs aren’t just a matter having an orgasm.
Prolly better off looking for an asexual guy to partner with.
BarbecueCowboy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 months ago
I’ve often thought that scheduling it would be kind of amazing, but for most I’ve been with, feel like that wouldn’t be an attractive prospect.
I’d feel really bad if my partner wasn’t enjoying themselves on this one though and even without that concern it wouldn’t feel like your idea here would be sustainable. It would be very hard to convince me that this was something that could be maintained over a long term relationship.
nondescripthandle@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 months ago
A friend of mine from a while back was an Ace woman who was in a steady relationship. She was very open about her orientation and would answer questions if you asked her in good faith. I don’t think they scheduled their sex, but she much like you was interested in making sure her partner was satisfied. I used to joke that I knew Ace people who had more sex than me because of her, but the moral of the story here is it’s definitely a manageable thing with the right partner.
xxce2AAb@feddit.dk 4 months ago
Depends on the man, I suppose. Personally, I wouldn’t be interested for at least two reasons: 1) That arrangement falls well short of the level of consent I’d require to feel comfortable and 2) Sex in and of itself is pointless. I can take ‘care of my needs’ by masturbating on my own. Sex with another person is about more than mere physical pleasure. It’s ideally a feedback loop: Feeling good by making your partner feel good, because you want that for them.
If the person I’m with doesn’t feel good about it, I wouldn’t either. And I would strongly suggest not seeking out that kind of man who thinks otherwise.
AmidFuror@fedia.io 4 months ago
Now I'm curious if you do anything with your partner that she really likes to do but you don't.
xxce2AAb@feddit.dk 4 months ago
Why would you think so? I aim to be considerate, not a doormat let alone a victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise. Consent is either bilateral or non-existent. While I would be open to do things I enjoyed less than my partner, I wouldn’t accept being party to anything to which I’m outright opposed.
aramis87@fedia.io 4 months ago
If I may ask, without being rude: are you sure you're asexual and not [demisexual](https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Demisexual]? For me, there would be a difference between someone who's really not interested in sex at all vs someone who's really only interested in sex once they've emotionally bonded with a person.
If you are asexual, there are definitely other asexuals out there who would still be interested in having nonsexual partners.
In your original post, you mentioned male partners; I'd also suggest you consider whether you'd be okay with a nonsexual female partner. Again, not trying to be rude, you just seem to be trying to figure out how you can get fit, and I'm not sure what options you've considered.
You should also know that your preferences can change over time, and that's okay as well; it doesn't necessarily mean that you were "wrong" about who you were, it may simply mean something is different about either you or your situation.
rikudou@lemmings.world 4 months ago
What even is this response? That’s like telling a gay person they should try being straight.
aramis87@fedia.io 4 months ago
As I said, OP seems to be a young person trying to figure how they fit in the world, and they're not giving much information (which is fine). But we're not all born with an innate understanding of all the flavors of sexuality, or all the options out there.
They say they'd like a male partner, which could be situational depending on where they live; it could be a definite preference; or it could be that they're demisexual and haven't realized that's an option. And if they do get a partner, in extremely general terms, there tend to be different benefits depending on which sex you partner with.
AnnaLogg@lemmy.world 4 months ago
definitely not a dealbreaker for me, though i’d also like to know if the woman would experience some form of physical arousal and that post-coital cuddle urge (is there a name for that?)
MojoMcJojo@lemmy.world 4 months ago
To me personally, sex is like singing together in harmony with your bodies.
sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 months ago
As the saying goes:
It takes two to tango.
JoMiran@lemmy.ml 4 months ago
As you can tell by the responses so far, there is no one correct answer other than being very open and upfront about it. Something I might also recommend is dating older men. In many men, the sex drive falls off a cliff after a certain age to where he might not mind scheduled sex, but you still need to show physical warmth and intimacy. Also, if you put yourself on a schedule to initiate sex, he might not even catch on because sex isn’t as big a driver as is once was.
Please don’t take this as anything but yet another different answer to a question with many different answers.
kibiz0r@midwest.social 4 months ago
For a majority of men, probably, but not an overwhelming majority. Which still leaves a ton of people you could be compatible with.
Don’t overthink it and try to be something you’re not. Just take your time, get to know people, be curious and honest. Stay true to yourself. Don’t apologize and adapt just because you assume you have to.
You’re not trying to date everyone, just the right one. So why bother with what the rest think?
You’ll find someone that “just works” with who you already are. When you do, your dynamic with come naturally as a result of your unique relationship, and it won’t be precisely the same as any timeshare sex model you might have tried to plan ahead on Lemmy.
pinball_wizard@lemmy.zip 4 months ago
Being a great communicator and a generous lover is more attractive than most of the considerations discussed here, so far.
Many the challenges of being ace or on the ace spectrum in a relationship can be overcome by regular use of phrases like:
“Dear, would you like a handjob tonight?” and “I love the look on your face when I fuck you. Let’s fuck tonight.”
Just be sure it is what you really want - it would be kind of silly to put in the needed effort if it is not somehow also serving your needs.
Great communication and generousity are incredibly attractive in a sexual partner, and both can be cultivated by anyone who chooses to put in the practice.
Onomatopoeia@lemmy.cafe 4 months ago
Yea, no, I wouldn’t recommend searching for this unicorn.
Scheduled sex with someone who’s indifferent to it?
Do you want scheduled emotional closeness with someone who isn’t into it?
burntbacon@discuss.tchncs.de 4 months ago
“You have received your standard ten minutes of hand holding, please exit the couch and proceed to the kitchen for nutritional time. Five minutes are allotted for hand washing and table-setting.”
nimble@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 months ago
[deleted]rikudou@lemmings.world 4 months ago
IMO there’s a huge difference between “doesn’t enjoy” and “being indifferent”.
Like, me and my partner watch some movies that they’re definitely not enjoying, but they still watch them because we’re together and they don’t not enjoy them.
Point is, you can do things together if you accept the other side is not into it as much as you are.
Hoimo@ani.social 4 months ago
Community links:
!asexual@lemmy.world
!asexual@lemmy.blahaj.zone
Both could use some more activity. (Like an asexual’s sex life amirite?)
systemglitch@lemmy.world 4 months ago
It would be a deal breaker for me.
Nemo@slrpnk.net 4 months ago
It’s a dealbreaker for me. I only want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with me. I don’t just want a yes, I want a YES! with the exclaimation point.
falseWhite@lemmy.world 4 months ago
If you’re okay with sex and aren’t repulsed, why does it have to be scheduled?
Normally, romantic evenings and dates lead to sex, would that be enough of a “schedule”?
I.e. you have a romantic evening with your partner, and he is making moves to escalate, so you know he has “needs” tonight.
Buffalox@lemmy.world 4 months ago
For some people sex is a minor thing, what matters is emotional closeness. You can have closeness without sex.
I think you can find someone without too much sex easily, I hear all over the place that men are actually tiring of sex just as much as many women are.
The main difference being that women often think it’s their fault when men don’t want to have sex.burntbacon@discuss.tchncs.de 4 months ago
Yeah, this would be it for me. If my partner didn’t want to have sex, fine, not a big deal. But if my partner didn’t want to sit next to me and lean on me? If my partner didn’t want to hold hands or hug me from behind while I’m cooking? If I didn’t get a sudden jump into my lap and an insistent plead for a shoulder rub?
Those would break me. Even for the folks who don’t want to admit it, there is a driving need for intimacy, and sex just often sort of fits that need or is used to mask it.
Buffalox@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Well put, that’s exactly what I mean.
Wren@lemmy.today 4 months ago
I cycle between high and low/no sex drive.
Open relationships work best for me. I know it’s not for everyone, but I support my partners sharing a sexual relationship with someone else while keeping a romantic one going with me, rather than fuck just to keep them happy. Sex without desire rarely makes anyone happy.