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Doing anything with someone who clearly isn’t enjoying it generally won’t work.
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Submitted 4 months ago by luminelle_rose@lemmy.world to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Comments
Diddlydee@feddit.uk 4 months ago
ICCrawler@lemmy.world 4 months ago
There’s enough fish in the sea that there’s probably a guy out there’ll that’ll be a fit if you try hard enough to look, but if I were a bettin man I’d wager they are considerably few in number. How you act during sex also matters, whether act or not. Basically, I doubt many men would be fine with a “dead fish.”
CallMeAnAI@lemmy.world 4 months ago
For me yes.
I’m not trying to shame you or anything, you are who you are, but your entire sentence and intent while well meaning, is an utter turn off. A chunk of me being into it is having my partner into it.
zxqwas@lemmy.world 4 months ago
First step should probably be looking for an asexual guy.
I don’t think a high or even average sex drive guy in his 20-30 would be very happy. But there are low drive guys too, and if you keep looking you’re doomed to succeed.
WalrusDragonOnABike@reddthat.com 4 months ago
Curious how compatibility with a high-sex-drive ace and a low-sex-drive allo would compare typically.
mech@feddit.org 4 months ago
Not all men are the same, so there is no one answer to this.
It definitely wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me. I’m in a similar situation with my wife and we have a very happy marriage.
One condition for me personally is that I’m free to “take care of myself” without her having issues with that, or interrogating me who I think about when I do it.
Whether you’re OK with your partner watching porn is another subject you’ll have to discuss with him.
So basically, the golden rule of relationships applies: Everything is allowed as long as everyone involved consents willingly.poplargrove@lemmy.world 4 months ago
No need to reply if this is too personal. When you say “similar situation”, you mean your wife is ace? I dont know much about this so Im curious why else a spouse might not want sex at all.
mech@feddit.org 4 months ago
I don’t know what the terminology is exactly.
She enjoys sex, but she doesn’t really have a sex drive. For her it’s a completely optional fun activity, not a need.
But we cuddle and kiss a lot.
ltxrtquq@lemmy.ml 4 months ago
It’s just like Rush Limbaugh said: if there is consent on [all sides], it’s perfectly fine, whatever it is.
There’s no real need for me to bring up the dead conservative talking head here, but I still laugh to myself sometimes when I remember how mockingly he got it exactly right, and maybe someone else could use a laugh too.
loutr@sh.itjust.works 4 months ago
I have a really hard time understanding how he considers any of that a problem.
Nomad@infosec.pub 4 months ago
I have a partner like this. Only I didn’t know for 10 years. Only noticed she would do her duty. I can assure you this is not enough. She is the avoidant type and can’t help it. Now we have three kids and I can’t leave them. Sex is out of the question now obviously and life together is hard.
XeroxCool@lemmy.world 4 months ago
It’s obviously hard to know how my childhood would have been had my parents divorced, but my main “benefit” from them staying together is that I saw who I didn’t want to be. That’s not much. It soured my views on marriage, which only got worse when my long-term partner’s parents started pushing for it. Both my now-in-laws were remarried, telling me how important marriage was, while also having a relationship with each other as contentious as my own parents. (Eventually, I had 8 friends get married in one year and the whole thing clicked for me with much, much healthier examples)
Would life have been worse with split parents? Who knows. No way of telling. Lose some negativity, potentially add a ton of instability.
I can’t recommend one way or the other. I only ask you consider your own mental health and attitude and how it affects your family’s home life. But the one thing I can say pretty confidently (and of course don’t know if you do this): as frustrating as shit gets, do not trash talk your spouse to your kids. And if you’re really trying to explain to them why your spouse is hurting you, you better be as innocent as you portray yourself. I took my dad’s words to heart and despised my mom through my teen years, only to come around in my 20s and realized it was my dad who was the mean one. The stories didn’t add up. I mean, he literally complained to me once (after I saw the truth) that my mom withheld sex for 2 years for some bullshit set of reasons that included everything except himself. It was pretty clear at that point she had no interest in the miserable old man he became, along with him watching political “news” all day, complaining about dinner not being done, not cleaning, etc.
Kids see everything. They aren’t naive forever.
mech@feddit.org 4 months ago
My parents moved into separate bedrooms when I was 6. My mom moved out when I was 10.
It was an incredible relief for us children. Not because we hated her or anything.
But the fighting stopped. Both of them stopped drinking daily. The constant, tense atmosphere at home was gone.
We continued living with our dad, but spent most of the day at our mom’s place 3x a week.
Weekends were usually spent with both parents. Because since they weren’t forced to live together anymore, they actually got along very well in a friendly way.
Later we celebrated big holidays together with my parents AND their respective new partners, and my mom was present at my dad’s second wedding, as was her new partner.
It probably doesn’t work out like that very often. But your children feel when a marriage is only sustained “for their sake”, even if they aren’t conscious of it and can’t put it into words. So separation can also be better for them.protist@mander.xyz 4 months ago
Divorcing doesn’t mean leaving them. It can be possible to separate amicably. You’re likely to be a better father to your children if you take care of yourself, too
x00z@lemmy.world 4 months ago
Divorce is a big word.
Where’s the open marriage advice?
FridaySteve@lemmy.world 4 months ago
You’d have to also find a man who is only interested in sex to “get his needs met” which is much more rare than Hollywood leads people to believe.
luminelle_rose@lemmy.world 4 months ago
[deleted]Analog@lemmy.ml 4 months ago
Sex is more than fucking. The fucking is great but even medium term, there absolutely needs to be more. As others have mentioned it’s about a connection, intimacy, and feeling sexually desired.
The scheduled part is only something that would bother someone without kids. With kids, you either schedule sex or only have it very rarely.
Scheduled isn’t a dirty word, it just means you’re making time for someone you care about. I’ve found it’s nice to have a time to look forward to.
I have only surface level knowledge of ace folks, so pardon the question: is scheduled intimacy something you could look forward to and enjoy? With optional sex… knowing that the sex isn’t something you need.
If being intimate without sex isn’t enjoyable to you, it you don’t think you could make someone feel desired (at any level, since it’s obviously not going to be sexual desire!,) then I would suggest looking for other ace or ace-leaning folks.
MolochAlter@lemmy.world 4 months ago
It’s definitely affecting it, yes.
For most people being sexually desired and knowing they are is a very important part of a relationship.
ALoafOfBread@lemmy.ml 4 months ago
My wife is on the ace spectrum. She enjoys sex, but only experiences reactive sexual desire (i.e. she’ll get in the mood once sex is basically already happening). Effectively she does not experience sexual desire in the way people typically mean that.
That’s been a struggle for us. We don’t do scheduled sex, but it’s something we’ve considered. Even though we have very good (if infrequent) sex, the frequency isn’t the thing that’s hard for me to deal with. The hardest thing is not feeling desired in ways I am used to in relationships. That has made me feel insecure and just overall is not great. But it’s something we’ve had to work through.
So all that goes to say: yes, if you find the right person you’ll be able to make it work. The key, in my opinion, is talking about it and being very clear about how you’re wired and that it isn’t anything wrong with them.
FridaySteve@lemmy.world 4 months ago
In the early 90s in sex ed they told us all, as a group, that men are only looking for sex to get a load off and women are nothing but submissive cum dumpsters except and of course obviously your life partner who you submit to on your wedding night and stay with forever. Literally we were taught this in public school. It’s no wonder people view sex and gender the way you do. Nowadays thankfully we view both sex and gender as individual.
To respond to your original idea, it sounds like a compromise. When you find the right person (and there’s someone for everybody) you won’t have compromise on that core, basic level. That’s what sexual compatibility is.
RumorsOfLove@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 months ago
I love this idea.