51-year-old man here; would I be a creep if I went out on a date with a 30-year-old woman?

Comments

• Stabbitha@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

  Friend of mine was in a similar situation. One day she said something to him that made him realize he was literally the only person who cared about the age difference.

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• 3dmvr@lemm.ee ⁨59⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

  Itd only be an issue if your daughter cared, past 25 I don’t see why ppl think it’s grooming, most ppls personalities are done baking at 18, sure some ppl grow and mature after that but how many really change at the same rate they do while going to college, some ppl at 30 are way more mature than others, just depends on life experiences, I’ve been thinking about this because I feel like ive stagnated, was growing every year and now its just been 3 years of the same, while ik some ppl that still travel alot, do something new every week and they’re definitely different ppl, have just grown to another point in life.

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  • 3dmvr@lemm.ee ⁨59⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

    for context im 25 and moved back home post college, its pretty much hyperspeed to the grave

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• GreenKnight23@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  don’t sweat it. you’re both adults with life experience that is both greater than and equal to.

  enjoy the date and be sure to be respectful and treat them as an equal. you can figure out who they are along the way 😉

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• ilinamorato@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Creepy? No, probably not, but it does present some potential problems: You probably don’t have a whole lot of things in common at this point. You might not be particularly compatible with regard to your friend groups or your desires for your future. You are in a situation where it’s going to be difficult to get on the same level. These are not insurmountable obstacles, but they are potential obstacles.

  That said, if you and she are both okay with it—and your daughter, who is clearly someone whose opinion you care about—then have a great time! Don’t have high expectations, but enjoy yourself and see what happens.

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• viking@infosec.pub ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Age is just a number. Who cares.

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  • AnnaFrankfurter@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago

    FBI. OPEN UP.

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• letsgo@lemm.ee ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  There’s only one person whose opinion on that matters, and she’s aged 30. And maybe your daughter too, but she set it up so that’s unlikely.

  You can always find a bunch of weirdos on the internet who’ll be offended at you, no matter who you are or what you do, so it’s never a good idea to not do stuff just because of that.

  If you’re worried if you ARE a creep then I’d suggest plugging “what it means to be a creep” or “what is a creep” into your favourite search engine and make sure your regular habits exclude whatever you find. Use several sources, not just the first you find, because not everything on the internet is true.

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• Angelusz@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  To some people yes, to many people no.

  Just be respectful, kind and considerate. She’s an adult.

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  • fabulous@feddit.uk ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    We’re going on a date tonight. Come what may.

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    • MiyamotoKnows@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Come what may.

      I want to pretend this is spicy confident British tongue in cheek inuendo. 🤔

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• FistingEnthusiast@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Being creepy isn’t that simple

  Creepy is how you behave, the way you carry yourself and treat other people

  An age gap isn’t creepy in itself, it can be creepy, but it doesn’t have to be

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  • fabulous@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    That’s true. I’ve been out of the dating scene since 1993, so I’m a bit out of date to say the least.

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    • FistingEnthusiast@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      I’m in my latter forties, and I find the world of dating to be pretty crazy. In the US, things are even more bizarre

      I’m bloody glad that I found a woman mad enough to love me a little while ago!

      I wish you all the luck in the world

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    • captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Hahaha okay so let me bring you up to speed on the modern dating scene:

      More than half of young men aren’t even trying to get laid anymore because of how fucking preposterous the dating scene is. Let that sink in.

      Your prospective date heard one of her friends say “Oh! You should go out with my divorced dad!” and she’s actually entertaining this possibility. Why didn’t she find a man closer to her own age? What’s wrong with her?

      What does success even look like here? For her or you?

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  • Takapapatapaka@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    I’d say an age gap could be creepy in itself in some cases, like 18-30 years old or something in those areas. Not the case here though, at least not in my eyes. And really agree on the creepy comes from behaviour.

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    • Ledericas@lemm.ee ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I knew a friend who dated 17years older than she is, the mom was pissed and I thought it was a little weird and creepy, a 29 at the time dating someone 46yo is a big range. It’s a little creepy, but not like crazy like he’s been grooming her.

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  • someacnt@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    So I am born creepy :/

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  • medem@lemmy.wtf ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    This is the one thing that’s hardly ever mentioned in the whole age gap debate, though I would add that there are constellations that are creepy by default. Being a 35+ old man, I feel that I’m at kind of a landmark age where dating someone 20 years younger than me would be gross, let alone illegal in most jurisdictions, so the ‘it depends on your behaviour and intentions’ argument doesn’t really hold. In contrast, I can very much imagine dating a 55 year old woman - and no, it’s not a MILF fetish. So in the end BOTH the intentions/behaviour AND Gender AND actual age gap do matter IMHO.

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    • FistingEnthusiast@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Gender matters?

      GTFOH with that shit

      I didn’t disagree with you until that point

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    • GreyEyedGhost@lemmy.ca ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      I can’t think of a worse way to frame this discussion. There are significant differences between a 35 yo man dating a 15 yo girl and a 50 yo man dating a 30 yo woman, legality being just part of it. Swapping the genders doesn’t make it better.

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• SnotFlickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  A thirty year old woman is reasonably an adult. You’re not going to be grooming her or anything. The older you get, the less an age difference is really an issue.

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  • MBech@feddit.dk ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    I suppose it’s about intentions, but as someone who always looked to settle down and find the person to live the rest of my life is, a big agegap can be pretty problematic later in life.

    Like the obvious one: your partner dying while you’re still just middle aged.

    Having to take care of an old person with old person needs as a 55-65 year old.

    If they want children in a few years, OP could be 75 by the time the child moves out.

    Again, it’s all about what the intentions are, but these things are worth considering.

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  • Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    The older you get, the less an age difference is really an issue.

    Have you ever heard a 95 yo talking about 80 year olds? ;-)

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• Rivalarrival@lemmy.today ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Well, you’re not exactly robbing the cradle, and she’s not exactly robbing the grave.

  Go for it.

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  • Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    LOL

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• XeroxCool@lemmy.world ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  I wouldn’t find it creepy, though I probably wouldn’t mask my surprise well if I heard about it. My parents are 18 years apart. There are some social differences but at some point, they must have liked each other enough. They also have differing interests. They’re free to do their own thing (my dad stays home my mom travels the world). But, they’re not a great match anymore (I have to believe they used to be). All of this has combined into a strenuous situation where my mom is planning for her retirement freedom while my dad is probably headed to some kind of assisted living because she’s not going to stay home as a servant. I hate to be a downer about a relationship that hasn’t even started, but I think it’s important to consider this aspect before things get serious

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• Birch@sh.itjust.works ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Go get her tiger

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• Adderbox76@lemmy.ca ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Past 30, age is less about biology and more sociology.

  I’m a 49 year old male. But I’m divorced, no kids. Still living a bachelor life quite happily while most guys close to my age are married with the kids and coaching soccer on weekends in a minivan. As a result, my friend group almost exclusively skews younger because those are the people who are in the same stage of life as I am (regardless of biological age).

  The same works for relationships. Past a certain point it doesn’t matter how old you are, as long as your sociological age is compatible. (Ie. Your way of life)

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  • nyamlae@lemmy.world ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    the same stage of life as I am

    I would say they are living the same type of life as you, not the same stage. Life doesn’t have stages once you’re an adult. There are just common activities, and nothing more.

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    • ilinamorato@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Life definitely can have stages once you’re an adult. Relationships (married/divorced/remarried), family (babies/kids/teenagers/adults), work (entry level/senior/management/retirement). Think about if you’re on the other side of a big party than the other person; then you’re probably on different life stages. Not all of them are weird to date between, but most of them are weird to date across big differences.

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• HexesofVexes@lemmy.world ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  The big issues with age gaps is mostly down to protective probability. By 30 most folks are experienced enough at life to make up their own mind.

  Hope it goes well for you both!

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• vatlark@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  In this comic xkcd used the equation: half your age + 7 imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dating_pools.png

  It’s fun to reference but it’s not a hard rule. The fact that you are thinking it over means that you are probably in a healthy mindset to at least go on the date and feel it out. You have your daughter batting for you! You got this!

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• inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Once you hit 30 the age gap stops being creepy and becomes a personal life choice. If you were 41 and she was 20, that would be a massive red flag. But she isn’t a young adult anymore, but presumably someone established in who they are and what they want.

  If what she wants is you, congrats!

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  • wulrus@lemmy.world ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Or 50 and 29 - eww

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    • inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Oh yes, without a doubt. What truly matters is equal power dynamics, I’d just generally speaking saying most 30s have a few relationships under their belt, know who they are and what they want.

      But even that can go yuck sooooo quick. Like with a 30 and 80 year old, clearly one side has a fetish.

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• colourlessidea@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  I didn’t see anyone saying this: the question I would pose to myself is less about the age of the date being 30 but more about her age being closer to your daughter’s and them being friends. There is nothing wrong with the age gap itself but how you feel about the situation matters more I’d say.

  How do you feel about dating someone who is your daughter’s friend and essentially grew up at the same time as your daughter?

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• Meltdown@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Two consenting adults on a date? Definitely creepy!

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• Noel_Skum@sh.itjust.works ⁨23⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Ignore what randos on the web say - the opinions of only two people matter. You and her. Good luck; however it works out.

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• MTK@lemmy.world ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Past 30 age is meaningless as long as both sides are happy.

  Would a 80 yo with a 30 yo be weird? Yeah, would it be wrong?

  50 and 30 is unusual but definitely okay.

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• Talonflame@lemmy.cafe ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  No, you do you

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• Ledericas@lemm.ee ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  I had a friend that was dating someone 17years her senior, the mom was not happy , was quite upset about it. She said he’s almost as old as she is. Most people will do 5 years at the most

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• RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  I would personally be squicked out by that age gap because she’s young enough to be your kid. But I’m not you or her, it’s not my business, right? If your daughter thinks she’ll be good for you, the reverse matchmaking is funny, why not at least meet and see how you feel?

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• daggermoon@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  I’d like to think a 30 year old is capable of making an informed decision

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  • Wanderer@lemm.ee ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    No what you don’t understand is women are completely powerless and must be protected at all cost. They can’t be responsible for their own decisions. If a (female) adult wants to date another adult then it must be okayed by other people that have nothing to do with the situation. Otherwise everyone needs to step in and protect them.

    I think people refer to it as equality.

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  • zarathustra0@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    No

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    • DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Humans do seem rather lacking in the ability in general so you have to grade their decisions on a curve

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• i_dont_want_to@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  One thing that would make a creep a creep is a power imbalance of some sort. For this to exist if we’re only considering the age gap between adults, is if one adult is so young they’re being taken advantage of.

  A 20 year age gap where the younger is early 20’s is creepy, because the younger’s lack of experience makes them vulnerable. A 20 year age gap where the younger is in their 30’s or beyond isn’t, because the younger likely has the maturity to avoid being taken advantage of.

  Are there any other factors that would make this creepy, like you have influence over this person’s career? If not, then no worries! Enjoy dating.

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  • blarghly@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    I’ve heard this argument before, and I don’t think it parses. After all, we have power imbalances in relationships all the time. Men are typically stronger than women and can physically overpower them - are all heterosexual relationships therefore creepy? Should people only date others of similar levels of physical strength?

    Suppose one person is a high earning investment banker, while the other gives schoolchildren piano lessons. Surely this makes a financial power imbalance? Should these two dating be frowned upon?

    Maybe one partner is a highly intelligent physicist who works at the large hadron collider, while the other is, by all accounts including their own, kind of dumb. Is a power imbalance in intelligence creepy? But wait! What if the “dumb” partner is bad at academic thinking, but is brilliant at connecting with people, while our physicist has a touch of the 'tism and is shy and awkward - would this constitute a “creepy” power imbalance in social/emotional power?

    Are stay at home moms all in “creepy” relationships because their partners control their finances?

    Also, nevermind the fact that huge amounts of kink is based around power imbalances - being physically overpowered, being punished, being humiliated, being subservient, etc. It’s fucking hot. Power imbalances are for many a fundamental part of their attraction.

    And even specifically with the age gaps, and age gaps involving young adults in particular - I have talked to so many young adults who adamantly defend age gap relationships. And after all, why shouldn’t they? They are adults. They want to date who they want, and they don’t want society judging their relationships as creepy, or judging their potential partners. Say a 19 year old guy has a thing for older women. So he goes to a bar, sees a smokin hot 35 year old, and goes to flirt with her. She thinks he’s cute and flirts back. They go to bed together and have a lovely time. How is that creepy? It’s not. It’s just two people having a good time together.

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    • Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      No, that still seems creepy.

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• blockheadjt@sh.itjust.works ⁨21⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Reminds me how Hank’s dad in King of the Hill remarried one of Hank’s kindergarten classmates.

  Also why Roger Moore quit being Bond. “They kept hiring women to play opposite me young enough to be my granddaughter. Frankly, it was disgusting.”

  That said, you’re both adults. As long as it doesn’t feel awkward or controlly to either of you, give it a shot.

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• acidbattery@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  I don’t think that two adults dating with the sole intention of finding a connection and enjoying each other’s company is creepy regardless of the age difference.

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• surewhynotlem@lemmy.world ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Only kinda. You’re potentially at VERY different life stages. She might be at the “I want kids and to start a family” stage. You’re in the “well at least I have one good knee still” phase.

  So it might work, but unless you can change diapers and carry toddlers, it might not.

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  • doorknob@lemm.ee ⁨21⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Fuck, I’m in my 20s and in the “well at least I have one good knee still” phase.

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• lemming741@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  (50/2)+7 is 32 my guy

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  • RowRowRowYourBot@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    That’s for younger adults. What matters is if you see each other as equals

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  • chonglibloodsport@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    I think after the younger partner reaches age 30 the rule doesn’t matter anymore.

    If a 30 year old decides to get together with an 80 year old then nobody should be shaming either of them. If they’re both mature, consenting adults then we should celebrate their happiness. Of course if one or the other is unable to consent by reason of cognitive disability then that’s a different story altogether (and would be a problem even if their ages were very close).

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• Melvin_Ferd@lemmy.world ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Fucking legend

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