Papa I'm scared

Comments

• A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Could’ve been one sentence.

  ‘You are what you eat,’ the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio, who turned his gaze on the elementary school.

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  • tyler@programming.dev ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    I think one sentence makes it hit less hard. It’s more surprising with two sentences, and the “sly eyes” and the paragraph break help with it.

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  • Trimatrix@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Failed too efficient. Technically a one sentence horror story now. DQd until revised.

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    • match@pawb.social ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      “and then a ghost popped out!!!”

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  • Gullible@sh.itjust.works ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    It needs the pause for processing. In a story, yours is preferable. In extreme short form online storytelling, it needs to completely set the stage for the majority of the literary diaspora in those communities to be able to digest it.

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  • Uli@sopuli.xyz ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Vonnegut is my favorite, the one I model my own writing style after. Galopagos is my jam.

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  • Paradachshund@lemmy.today ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:

    “You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.

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    • Zozano@aussie.zone ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:

      He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.

      Or,

      He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow.

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  • Brainsploosh@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    “You are what you eat” the Blue Fairy’s wisdom echoed, as Pinocchios gaze turned towards the elementary school.

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  • Jarix@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Not better

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    • chatokun@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago

      ♪OK then I’m a legal aid, Erin Brockovich is my name♪

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• AlecSadler@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Technically he wants to be a real boy? Doesn’t seem as horror as I first thought.

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• Worx@lemmynsfw.com ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Why does Pinocchio want to turn into a school?

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  • SnokenKeekaGuard@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Wants to reform education. He’s been concerned about recent reports of attention disorders in kids

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  • criss_cross@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    He wants to be filled with kids.

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    • wreckedcarzz@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      Oh, carry o… wait a minute

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• FelixCress@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Spot on 😂

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• Evil_Shrubbery@lemm.ee ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Haha, Pinocchio are lots of wood.

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