What’s wrong with holding people at gunpoint and requesting a cryptocurrency transaction?
If society goes completely cashless, bank robberies would no longer be a thing, which means there would no longer be "bank robbery" plots in future Movies/TV shows.
Submitted 1 day ago by IDKWhatUsernametoPutHereLolol@lemmy.dbzer0.com to showerthoughts@lemmy.world
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ililiililiililiilili@lemm.ee 1 day ago
otto@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.” He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
ThePantser@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Doritos™ presents, I don’t normally read long posts but I was hooked from the start.
B312@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Absolute cinema
frank@sopuli.xyz 19 hours ago
Shooting the mailbox twice is a line that gets me laughing every time
A_norny_mousse@lemm.ee 1 day ago
New favorite copypasta. Mmmm!
~this comment is not endorsed by any company ✊~
Remember_the_tooth@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Best copypasta of all time. We must always upvote these.
Coelacanth@feddit.nu 21 hours ago
That this has not yet been awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature can only be described as a crime against humanity.
Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world 1 day ago
“Just type in your private key and nobody gets hurt”
otter@lemmy.ca 1 day ago
I guess we’ll need a variant of this comic
kate@lemmy.uhhoh.com 1 day ago
this is a robbery put the bit coins in the bag 💥🔫
htrayl@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Amouranth?
captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works 9 hours ago
You’d just do heists of physical goods. Stealing the diamond launch codes from a vault instead of cash.
thermal_shock@lemmy.world 21 hours ago
Crypto wallet theft is already a thing, can do it from across the world in many cases
qaz@lemmy.world 1 day ago
“La casa de papel” a popular spanish bank heist series from 2017 is probably the answer to your question.
janus2@lemmy.zip 19 hours ago
Isn’t the first series involving cash? (the second is gold IIRC)
fdjt@sh.itjust.works 7 hours ago
They would have to replace these lost plots with American politician biographies.
HowAbt2morrow@futurology.today 1 day ago
Like stage coach robberies. You don’t see them too often either.
Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 1 day ago
What? I did that last week! Made out with a monocle, and several hundred half pennies!
leds@feddit.dk 1 day ago
This has already happened in Denmark, coins are only used for shopping carts
riot@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
Denmark is not completely cashless. You can still pay in stores with cash and get cash from ATMs and banks.
IDKWhatUsernametoPutHereLolol@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 day ago
In China, everyone uses WeChat to pay for stuff, but banks still have cash.
What I mean is, there will be a day where there is zero cash, and banks only exist as a customer support hub. Then, there’s nothing in the banks to steal.
shneancy@lemmy.world 1 day ago
you can absolutely steal data stored by banks
ribboo@lemm.ee 20 hours ago
I mean barely… Most bank offices in Sweden do not handle cash at all.
reddig33@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Have we already forgotten the plot of “Superman III”?
NorthWestWind@lemmy.world 1 day ago
They just rob data instead of money
200ok@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Reminds me of how the word “pirate” means something very different now than it did 100 years ago.
madame_gaymes@programming.dev 1 day ago
It would be interesting seeing “period pieces” where it’s just normal banks
200ok@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Kind of like westerns where people had duels and accused each other of horse theft pew, pew!
TranquilTurbulence@lemmy.zip 1 day ago
Maybe a cyberheist will become the next big thing if realspace has nothing worth klepping.
Imagine a story, where a crew of netrunners enters a datafort, and some of them get zeroed by the ice, but some of them narrowly escape with the loot. Yeah, that sound like a GPT prompt I could try.
PeriodicallyPedantic@lemmy.ca 1 day ago
Iirc backs already don’t typically have a lot of cash on hand, if you’re looking to get a bunch of cash you need to give them warning so they can bring it in special order.
But I admit I’m no expert so I may have been mislead
possiblylinux127@lemmy.zip 9 hours ago
Except people steal things that aren’t money