otto
@otto@sh.itjust.works
- Comment on Ah shit. Here we go again. 3 weeks ago:
That’s why you relax, and drink your coffee slowly. Also, the burning.
- Comment on Sending the wrong meme to the wrong chat 3 weeks ago:
I pity you for seeing every interaction as a competition. Your life must be miserable. But not as miserable as everyone around you.
- Comment on Sending the wrong meme to the wrong chat 3 weeks ago:
then why can’t you let it go?
I recommend some tea. chill
- Comment on Sending the wrong meme to the wrong chat 3 weeks ago:
I already did. Apparently, you only see what you want to see.
And I can’t be blamed for that
- Comment on Sending the wrong meme to the wrong chat 3 weeks ago:
Hold on, let me whip out my database of every image from every television show ever recorded, and I’ll get back to you.
- Comment on Tearing Down A Vintage Word Processor 3 weeks ago:
Why does that Apple II have a Xerox computer inside it?
- Comment on Sending the wrong meme to the wrong chat 3 weeks ago:
Ok
- Comment on Sending the wrong meme to the wrong chat 3 weeks ago:
Seriously?
- Comment on Ah shit. Here we go again. 3 weeks ago:
Omg so tru
Believe everything you read on the Internet
- Comment on Ah shit. Here we go again. 3 weeks ago:
Nobody should have to pay for a water
- Comment on Sending the wrong meme to the wrong chat 3 weeks ago:
This is not from House, but it should’ve been.
- Comment on Ah shit. Here we go again. 3 weeks ago:
No pity. Everyone knows that you turn on the shower, then sit on the toilet until you shit everything out else you can shit. Only then, do you get into the shower.
- Comment on Even as a collector, I've never laid my hands on one of these. 4 weeks ago:
Go Apple Pippin!
- Comment on Who gets all the tariff money about to be collected from US citizens buying products from Canada? 4 weeks ago:
Rich people, in the form of massive tax cuts
- Comment on If society goes completely cashless, bank robberies would no longer be a thing, which means there would no longer be "bank robbery" plots in future Movies/TV shows. 4 weeks ago:
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
- Comment on If society goes completely cashless, bank robberies would no longer be a thing, which means there would no longer be "bank robbery" plots in future Movies/TV shows. 4 weeks ago:
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.” He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
- Comment on This speaks for itself 4 weeks ago:
lol
- Comment on The PS2 turns 25 years old today. Crazy, right? Perfect day for revisiting some classics. What are some of your favourite PS2 games? 4 weeks ago:
I got GTA Vice City in GTA San Andreas. Download it on my phone. I connect a PlayStation controller, and then I airplay it to my TV. It’s just like playing it originally, except the cheat codes don’t work! Lol.
- Comment on The PS2 turns 25 years old today. Crazy, right? Perfect day for revisiting some classics. What are some of your favourite PS2 games? 4 weeks ago:
GTA Vice City. I’m still playing it now on my iPhone. I love that game.
- Comment on Good afternoon I choose thoughts you've never had before. 4 weeks ago:
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- Comment on Good afternoon I choose thoughts you've never had before. 4 weeks ago:
You can, and it kind of does. Back in my 20s, when my nipples were still pierced, I tried this when I was really drunk. Thank goodness, the pictures have been deleted.
- Comment on Firefox deletes promise to never sell personal data, asks users not to panic | Mozilla says it deleted promise because "sale of data" is defined broadly 4 weeks ago:
“Profit” has such a broad definition…
- Comment on "Why do you hate clowns?" Exhibit No. 2 5 weeks ago:
Killer Klowns were too goofy to be scary
- Comment on "Why do you hate clowns?" Exhibit No. 2 5 weeks ago:
Nope, not even close.
- Comment on "Why do you hate clowns?" Exhibit No. 2 5 weeks ago:
“My wife had friends who were… [sniffles] Socialists!”
- Submitted 5 weeks ago to [deleted] | 11 comments
- Comment on 'Don't Buy a Swasticar': Tesla hit by UK boycott campaign over Elon Musk's far-right support 5 weeks ago:
- Comment on Just Need To Hover A Mouse Over It 5 weeks ago:
A new hot topic opens?
- Comment on Just Need To Hover A Mouse Over It 5 weeks ago:
Goth kids are still a thing? Wow. I guess it wasn’t just a “phase“.
- Comment on Just Because 5 weeks ago:
I need healthcare,so ok
