Remember_the_tooth
@Remember_the_tooth@lemmy.world
- Comment on Controversial question 2 days ago:
We could brand it as Special K and introduce a meat line of products
- Comment on Controversial question 2 days ago:
Generous of you to assume they were joking rather than testing the waters.
- Comment on Controversial question 3 days ago:
What about Morty-style psychic shields?
- Comment on Controversial question 3 days ago:
We can just make vaccines from autistic people
- Comment on Controversial question 3 days ago:
Their meat is oily and diseased?
- Comment on Wonder who he's got on the vibe tubes? 4 days ago:
Good read. It’s definitely AI.
- Comment on Wonder who he's got on the vibe tubes? 4 days ago:
Song Title: Neelix Can Fuck Off By Tuvok
[Verse 1] I don’t need your weird food, I don’t need your smile You’re always in my face, but you’re not worth my while Trying to play the hero, but you’re just a joke You never shut up, and it’s time you woke—
[Pre-Chorus] I’m a Vulcan, man, I’m cool and I’m composed But your antics, Neelix, are getting exposed Every time you talk, every time you cheer It’s just noise in my ears—get out of here!
[Chorus] Neelix can fuck off, I’ve had enough Your corny jokes, they’re not my stuff You’re not funny, and you’re not wise It’s time to say goodbye—goodbye, goodbye!
[Verse 2] You think you’re the heart of this damn crew But the truth is, Neelix, nobody cares about you You can’t cook, you can’t think, and your laugh is a crime Now it’s my turn to make some noise and speak my mind—
[Pre-Chorus] I’m a Vulcan, man, I’ve got a steady hand But you’re chaos in a kitchen, no longer in demand Every time you touch that food, it’s a disaster Neelix, you’re a problem, not a master!
[Chorus] Neelix can fuck off, I’ve had enough Your corny jokes, they’re not my stuff You’re not funny, and you’re not wise It’s time to say goodbye—goodbye, goodbye!
[Bridge] I’m done with your antics, done with your pranks Just stop trying to mess with my brain Take your weird-ass food and go far away I’ll be here, silent, and I’ll be okay!
[Chorus] Neelix can fuck off, I’ve had enough Your corny jokes, they’re not my stuff You’re not funny, and you’re not wise It’s time to say goodbye—goodbye, goodbye!
[Outro] Goodbye, Neelix, I’m done with the show You can stay in the kitchen, but just go I don’t care, I don’t care anymore Neelix, don’t knock on my door!
Neelix can fuck off!
- Comment on If society goes completely cashless, bank robberies would no longer be a thing, which means there would no longer be "bank robbery" plots in future Movies/TV shows. 4 days ago:
Best copypasta of all time. We must always upvote these.
- Comment on The police state has always been bipartisan 4 days ago:
I’m honored. Thank you.
- Comment on The police state has always been bipartisan 4 days ago:
Undercover in Bloom: A Love Story (With Prison Time)
FBI Agent Irene Calloway had dedicated her career to taking down criminals, but nothing in her training had prepared her for the absurdity of posing as a florist. Yet here she was, the proud owner of Flowers By Irene, a totally-legit, definitely-not-a-front flower shop.
Her shop was a cover. The real operation happened every night when she parked her painfully obvious surveillance van across the street from her target: Dan Marino—not the football player, but a suspected money launderer.
The van, a white monstrosity covered in antennas and a cartoonishly large satellite dish, was supposed to blend in. It did not. The words Flowers By Irene were painted in elegant cursive on the side, as if that would somehow make it less suspicious.
For weeks, Irene monitored Dan’s every move. She had enough evidence to put him away for years. His shell companies, his offshore accounts, his suspiciously high pizza delivery bills. It was all there.
Then, one fateful morning, Dan walked into her shop.
“Hey,” he said, flashing a devastatingly illegal smile. “I need flowers.”
Irene nearly dropped a potted fern.
“Flowers?” she repeated, as if the concept was foreign to her.
Dan nodded. “Yeah. My apartment feels… empty. Thought some flowers might liven it up.”
Irene narrowed her eyes. Was this a trick? Did he suspect her?
But no. He just stood there, looking obnoxiously handsome, waiting for a floral recommendation.
“Uh… lilies?” she offered.
Dan grinned. “I’ll take ‘em.”
That should have been the end of it. A one-time visit.
But the next day, he came back.
“Roses today,” he said. “For myself.”
“A little romantic, don’t you think?” she teased.
Dan smirked. “Maybe I’m just hoping my florist finds it charming.”
Irene was doomed.
Each day, he returned. Each night, she sat in her van, watching him commit federal crimes.
By day, he was charming, funny, and surprisingly passionate about floral arrangements. By night, he was deep in the criminal underworld. She had everything she needed to arrest him.
And yet.
She was falling. Hard.
One evening, as she sat in her van listening to his latest shady phone call, her partner, Agent Lewis, side-eyed her.
“You like him,” Lewis accused.
“I do not,” Irene said, lying.
“You’re literally twirling your hair right now.”
Irene immediately stopped twirling her hair.
Lewis smirked. “You do know we’re arresting him soon, right?”
Her stomach dropped.
Right. The arrest.
She tried to tell herself she didn’t care. That she was a professional. That she wasn’t emotionally compromised.
But when the SWAT team stormed Dan’s apartment at dawn, Irene’s heart ached.
She stood in the background as they cuffed him, watching as realization dawned in his eyes.
“You,” he said, looking straight at her.
Irene swallowed hard. “Dan… I—”
His smirk returned. “I knew it. The van was way too suspicious.”
She groaned. “I told them to use a smaller satellite dish!”
“Yeah, that might’ve helped.” He looked down at his cuffs, then back at her. “So… what happens now?”
“Now?” Irene sighed. “You go to prison.”
Dan grinned. “And then?”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s it, Dan. You go to prison. End of story.”
Dan winked. “We’ll see.”
Two Years Later…
Irene really hadn’t expected to still be thinking about him.
She had gone on dates. Normal, law-abiding dates. But no one made her laugh like Dan did.
Then, one day, a letter arrived at her shop.
“You still owe me flowers. – Dan”
Against all logic, she wrote back.
For months, they exchanged letters. Flirty, ridiculous, completely inappropriate letters.
Then, the day he got out of prison, he walked into her shop like nothing had happened.
“Miss me?” he asked, leaning on the counter.
Irene wanted to be mad. She really did. But instead, she sighed.
“Are you at least going to try being a law-abiding citizen?”
Dan grinned. “For you? Maybe.”
“That’s not reassuring.”
“Then how about this—I’m done with crime. Clean slate. No more shady businesses, no more offshore accounts. Just me… and my favorite FBI agent.”
Irene definitely did not melt at that.
“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes. “But if you do any more crimes—”
Dan held up his hands. “No crimes. Scout’s honor.”
She crossed her arms. “You were never a scout.”
“Okay, but I’m serious. No more trouble. Just flowers. And, uh… maybe one small thing?”
She narrowed her eyes. “What?”
He pulled a ring from his pocket.
Irene forgot how to breathe.
“Marry me?” Dan said, smirking.
She stared at him. “Dan. You literally just got out of prison.”
“Exactly. Fresh start.”
She groaned. “Oh my God, I’m going to regret this.”
Dan wiggled the ring. “Sooo… yes?”
She exhaled. “Fine.”
Dan grinned. “Told you I’d win you over.”
She rolled her eyes. “Shut up and kiss me, ex-con.”
He did.
- Comment on I don't wanna, but I gotta. 4 days ago:
Mission: Grocery Haul – The Fallen Bananas Memorial
Project Code Name: OPERATION CART-STORM
Prologue: The Briefing
David “The Planner” Reynolds sat at his kitchen table, a war-room map of Supermart 3000 spread before him. Every aisle was marked with strategic objectives and potential hazards. A spreadsheet titled Grocery Acquisition & Deployment Strategy – Q1 glowed on his laptop screen.
He adjusted his earpiece. “Control, this is David. Do you read me?”
A long sigh. “Dave, it’s me. Your wife. You’re just going grocery shopping.”
“Negative, Control. This is a precision operation. I’ll report back upon mission completion.”
Phase One: The Grocery Gauntlet
David executed the plan with military efficiency.
- Bread and Dairy: Secured with no resistance.
- Frozen Foods: Avoided high-risk impulse-buy zones. Budget ice cream acquired.
- Produce Aisle: Engaged in evasive maneuvers to avoid a slow-moving cart convoy.
Within 38 minutes, he was checked out, loaded up, and en route home. A textbook success.
Or so he thought.
Phase Two: The Discovery
The moment he unloaded the groceries, his wife—Control—conducted post-mission verification.
“David… where are the bananas?”
His heart stopped. The bananas.
He scrambled through the bags. Milk? Check. Eggs? Check. Coffee? Check.
Bananas? Gone.
He staggered back. The air seemed thinner.
They were lost. Left behind. A casualty of war.
His wife folded her arms. “Go back and get them.”
David looked out the window, eyes distant. “I can’t.”
Her brow furrowed. “What do you mean, you can’t?”
He exhaled. “They’re gone now. Their fate… is sealed.”
“David. Just go back to the store.”
But David had already turned, walking toward the backyard. A memorial had to be held.
Phase Three: The Fallen Bananas Memorial
Dressed in his darkest jacket, David stood in the backyard, a solemn expression on his face. On the patio table sat a single empty grocery bag, symbolizing the loss.
A missing man formation of fruit was arranged before him:
- Three apples, standing proud.
- A lone orange, solemn and unwavering.
- A single pear, its position slightly off-center, as if grieving.
David took a deep breath and began the eulogy.
“We gather here today to honor the bananas that never made it home. Though they were written on the list, though they were meant to stand among us… fate had other plans.”
His wife watched from the doorway, arms crossed. “You’re doing too much.”
David continued undeterred.
“They were meant for smoothies, for lunches, for quick snacks between Zoom calls. But instead… they were left behind, abandoned in Aisle 5. I carry this weight. I will not forget them.”
He saluted the missing bananas.
A moment of silence.
A slight breeze rustled the leaves. Somewhere, a car alarm went off in the distance.
His wife sighed. “Are you done?”
David exhaled, nodding. “The mission was flawed. But I will do better.”
She rolled her eyes. “Just go back to the store.”
But David had already turned away, eyes fixed on the horizon.
Some losses must be accepted.
- Comment on Unsubscribe 5 days ago:
That may be so, but don’t come crying to us when the solutions to your biggest social problems require widespread gun ownership for some reason, which could happen any day now. Yes, sir, any day now. /s
- Comment on Unsubscribe 5 days ago:
Healthcare
- Comment on Unsubscribe 5 days ago:
Adding to this, I’d also recommend overnight oats so one can “rise and grind” immediately. Getting a second job helps, too. I mean, if we’re not working 80-hour weeks, are we even trying? Downgrade to the cheapest insurance. Cash in sick days and vacation days. One could have a good chunk of money doing these things for about 40 years. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, sew straps onto your boots.
- Comment on Unsubscribe 6 days ago:
Aren’t you forgetting the $1 convenience fee for electronic payments? Also, they don’t take checks or cash. $252!
- Comment on Times are tough for everyone 6 days ago:
Next thing you know, you’ll also have to make the owner breakfast and drive them to the country club in the morning.
- Comment on Times are tough for everyone 6 days ago:
They also make you clean up afterward. Otherwise, you get hit with a fee.
- Comment on Times are tough for everyone 6 days ago:
They have shared custody in a contentious, court-ordered, van owning plan. It’s mostly just rotating weekends, but the holidays are a big problem. Also, it doesn’t get along with its step vans.
- Comment on Unsubscribe 6 days ago:
Because we haven’t figured out how to make it cost $251 yet.
- Comment on Little treat 6 days ago:
She was living in a single room with three other individuals One of them was male and the other two Well, the other two were females God only knows what they were up to in there And furthermore, Susan, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn That all four of them habitually sipped some alcoholic beverages Drinkers
I drink two beers in the morning I drink two beers at night I drink two beers in the afternoon It makes me feel all right I drink two beers in time of peace And two in time of war I drink two beers before I drink two beers And then I drink two more
Drank IPAs 'til the day she died Take a big sip of some good hoppy ale now Drank IPAs 'til the day she died Take a big sip of some good hoppy ale now
- Comment on The MechLock wall mount for Steam Deck looks ridiculously slick 6 days ago:
Something Something Michael Scott, but still, I sincerely want one.
- Comment on Hawaii and alaska hiding in the attic 6 days ago:
Much better. Thank you!
- Comment on Hawaii and alaska hiding in the attic 1 week ago:
Can’t let those Samritans take our loafes and our fishes, no, sir!
- Comment on Hawaii and alaska hiding in the attic 1 week ago:
States where Donald Trump is monogamous, faithful, church-going, charitable, well-spoken, honorable, trustworthy, helpful, kind, righteous, effective, and efficient (shown in orange):
- Comment on Good afternoon I choose thoughts you've never had before. 1 week ago:
Tittaroni putanesca
- Comment on Good afternoon I choose thoughts you've never had before. 1 week ago:
Well, go on, spare no detail. Was this real Italian durum wheat? What kind of sauce?
- Submitted 1 week ago to [deleted] | 0 comments
- Comment on Not sure where else to put this. 1 week ago:
Utini!
- Comment on If we want to have any power vs. watching helplessly while people in charge fuck everything up, we should focus on democratic workplaces. Not just unions, workers should own and control the business 1 week ago:
- Submitted 1 week ago to [deleted] | 3 comments
