Submitted 23 hours ago by God1st@lemmy.zip to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
I have social anxiety so that makes dating basically non existent. I feel I’m just going to have to make good money to win any woman over. It’s been a rough past decade of little dating that’s for sure
A good start would be not calling them “females”. Money can’t get you actual love, so I wouldn’t focus on that either. I also have social anxiety and know it can be difficult to put yourself out there, but it just makes it all the better when someone works out.
Stop calling us “females”, stop thinking that all we want is money or a “provider”. Treating people with respect will take you a long way.
Okay here’s some advice from a lesbian.
First, drop the word “female”, we are people not animals.
Second, money doesn’t matter to a lot of people, some women want their partner to provide for them, many do not want that. Women had to fight extremely hard to be able to work jobs, have bank accounts and have access to credit and debit cards. Financial independence can be an extremely big deal to people.
Third, try to not be super picky with who you want as a partner. It’s a bit of cliché advice but it’s one that is important to remember. Not every women is a super model, nor does everyone have the hourglass figure. Be okay with them not being perfect and try to accept them for who they are.
Fourth, really need to emphasize this here but be accepting of quirks and flaws. While this is very similar to the third thing, it is a bit different. Quite a few people who have flirted with me have had quite gross reactions to my quirks and flaws and it’s a big red flag.
Fifth, be patient with yourself. Make sure you are actually in a proper place mentally before tackling a relationship. A quick look through you post history shows you have some issues you are working on and I’d make sure you have them under good control.
Sixth, like others have said but work on getting good, healthy, stable friendships first. Friends can introduce you to people and who knows if you hit it off with them.
Seventh, don’t expect sex early on or at all. Some people love sex, others can be apathetic towards it and others can be adverse to it. If you aren’t sexually compatible that’s fine just be open about it and be willing to move on if sex matters a lot to you.
I’d like to gently push back on a few of these points.
To your second point, money. Being rich is hot. Like, it doesnt make you a good person, and it is far less effective than having a good personality. But if OP wants to spin his wheels, there are worse ways he could do it. Being rich and jacked is a bit of a crutch - but hey, crutches work! That’s why people use them!
To your third - yes, he shouldnt go about looking for minute flaws and declare all women to be not good enough for him. But at the same time, he shouldnt drop all standards just to have someone to date, which is often how this advice comes off. Not every woman has an hourglass figure - is OP okay with dating a women who doesnt have such a figure, or is it a requirement for their attraction? Either answer is fine, but OP should be encouraged to date people he actually finds attractive.
To your forth - sometimes quirks are super annoying. If someone has a bad reaction to your quirks… good! That means you arent compatible, and the two of you should move on. OP shouldnt hide their annoyance at peoples quirks they find genuinely irritating. Thats just a setup for frustration and resentment down the line.
To your fifth and sixth - no notes. Big fan of mental health and friendship.
And seventh - why not expect sex early? Plenty of people are more than happy to jump in the sack on a first date. If thats what OP wants, he should go for it. As you said, sexual compatibility is important. If he wants sex early in a potential relationship, he should feel comfortable making this desire clear to potential partners. Then he can find partners who want something similar, and avoid wasting his and others time on dates that dont meet this expectation.
Agree with all your comments pretty much
Make friends, focus on friends. Meet people through friends.
Your account is less than a week old, and you’ve made about half a dozen posts around the same topic. Maybe try reading the answers to your questions and think about them.
Start by not calling them females, that’s some Andrew Tate type energy right there which fyi doesn’t get you laid at all unless you are rich, and the rich part is the one doing all the lifting there.
Calling women “females” instead of women, as if you were a frakking Ferengi, won’t endear you the interest of any sensible person.
Calling women “females” instead of women, as if you were a frakking Ferengi, won’t endear you the interest of any sensible person.
But when it does work, the oo-mox makes it all worth it ;)
Ok so you acknowledge it’s you with the social anxiety
But somehow the real problem is half the population
Top tip that I can give is to identify and stop consuming whatever content that has made you think that “females” is a normal thing to say.
This will give you the fastest return on investment over anything else.
Secondly, women are just people. No secret tricks. Different people like different things, hate different things and want different things.
Thirdly, and this is because I have no real understanding of where you’re at - maybe try asking some of the sex workers that you mentioned in a previous post if they’d mind talking and suggesting some pointers. Ask before - not afterwards, and do keep in mind that giving advice is not their actual job, so don’t be upset if they don’t want to!
If you have social anxiety, then why are you blaming women for being difficult to talk to or flirt with?
I think it would be valuable to take a step back and look at how you’re thinking about women in general. This isn’t an attack FYI, I’m trying to be constructive because I totally understand your anxiety.
Firstly, lose the word “female.” Forget it. It won’t help you anywhere except biology class, and it’s a big red flag. In your brief question, your framing makes it sound like women are some mystical object that you can “get” with exactly the right words or the right amount of money. But they’re just people, and many of them are probably having similar issues talking to men. If you start to actively think about women as fully formed, independent, thinking, feeling human beings who have many of the same problems as you, and many that are quite different, then you’ll have a much easier time approaching them.
All of that is to say, empathy is critical. If you approach an interaction from a place of empathy—where you’re trying to understand the other person by listening to them and expressing interest—then it’ll slowly start to become natural. I realize that’s all easier said than done, but just thinking about women as complete people who aren’t there for you, but for themselves as individuals, would be a massive first step. Good luck.
Talk to people like they’re actual human beings. Male/female, whatever, doesn’t matter.
First conversation with my now wife:
“I’m the QUEEEN of analogies!”
“Really? What’s that like?”
“. . . FUCK YOU! NOBODY EVER ASKED ME THAT BEFORE!”
LOL - She married me anyway… Just hit 14 years.
That’s a sweet story. I hope she had a good answer to your question. If she didn’t answer it back then, you should spring it on her like “you never did tell me what it was like being the queen of analogies”. She best have a good answer, after all these years
I poke it from time to time, she’s going to murder me in my sleep some day, but not today! :)
Give up on trying to “win a woman over” and you may meet one you click with and not repel her by thinking of her as a challenge to be overcome.
I’m not trying to win any woman over but it is a challenge either way in this day and age
In a nut shell:
In general when addressing Human females they hate being called females by the males. current mating habits are to always appear friendly but not creepy. Many humans find this difficult believe but it is not entirely based on looks even though that does help. In fact due to traditional predatory behavior of the male half of the species, females are more relaxed when they feel they are not pursued but a nearby male. Standard actions like being personable, making jokes of light topics, and good hygienics seem simple but are examples of baseline traits when female are looking at males. This can lead to things like trust and eventually friendship. However bonding permanently can be halted by the friendzone protocol which is a result of Either side seeing traits either physical or behavior not desired in a life long partnership.
This is a representative of in person relationships. For online, I have zero succesful observation data on the topic.
Talk to people besides the women you want to date.
Old people love to talk to strangers; it was something they did before cell phones came around.
Take some acting classes and or volunteer at the local community theater. Acting is talking, and actors love to chatter.
Get a hobby that appeals to all sorts of people. Gardening/riding a bike/soft ball/football/whatever. It actually helps to have something to talk about, and there are clubs full of people who do that activity.
Have you tried putting women first instead of the imaginary sky daddy?
You are not constrained by “females” communication , you are constrained by the projection of your beliefs about females and your self. Your social anxiety is a fear filter. What you’re feeling isn’t actually real, it’s just a cognitive filter that has tricked your fear response into believing that it’s view is correct.
I bet if you were into guys, you’d find it just as intimidating. This isn’t a gender thing, it’s a socialization thing.
My friend anything worth having is hard to get.
One constellation i have for you is women do want to talk and flirt with you, so they struggle with it too
Definitely doesn’t seem like they want to at all
I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with men who take everything the wrong way, and then blow up at you for “leading them on”. That causes me, and many other women, to tend to default to being guarded when getting to know men. Even if only a small proportion of interactions end up making us feel scared for our safety, it still amounts to being frequent enough that this kind of guardedness ends up being a wise and necessary precaution for women in general.
It sucks on many levels that this is needed. As well as being an uneasy way to exist as a woman, it also means that there’s a heckton of “false positives”, so to speak. I think that this can especially affect people who are generally socially anxious. I know that being aware of this doesn’t help you to actually figure out how to talk to women, but I’d advise you to try to not take it personally. A friend once told me that reminding himself of this fact actually helped him to feel more confident approaching women; when he was able to internalise the fact that the guardedness wasn’t necessarily aimed at him, but at assholish men who don’t respect women as people and won’t respect their boundaries (which wasn’t him), he found that it helped him to feel more at ease pushing himself out of his comfort zone.
This problem is why it can be easier to meet women at hobbies and other organised social stuff. I used to really struggle with social anxiety in general, and I found that going to events made it much easier to get to know people, especially when the hobby in question made it easier to dip in and out of social stuff by focussing on the task at hand (board games was a big one for me)
because they also get nervous and shy my sibling
If your approach at dating hasn’t materialized in anything, perhaps it is time to change your approach. For me, the best things happened when I wasn’t trying at all. Be social, be courteous, be nice - and as the owner of a penis: non-threatening.
You have self identified a problem of anxiety. If your next step is to criticize all “females” as being difficult in terms of dating, you’re missing a beat here and making a bad word choice. The problem may be more of a you-problem than a them-problem. Also, no matter the primary sexual organ situation, people can pick up on both an air of entitlement or the scent of desperation.
Also, all cicadas shout for sex but not every cicadas gets laid.
Just give up. You’re better off spending your time on incel telegram groups
Whatever these people choose today as the word you must use to call them, they’ll change it in a year. So just be aware.
“women” is pretty widely accepted, and has been for many, many years. The reason why “females” makes people uncomfortable is because even before it was overused by online misogynists, it had an overly scientific air to it that gives bad vibes, especially if it’s being used as a noun. It’s not unreasonable for women to feel uncomfortable when being referred to using language that would be more appropriate to use for animals. The oddness of this is most stark when you see phrases like “men and females”, rather than “men and women”.
I don’t blame people for not being aware of the connotations of using the word “female” in this way, but it seems fairly straightforward that if there’s a strong consensus that a group of people object to being called something, that it would be courteous to respect that. And even if in a year from now, “women” became as stigmatized as “female” and there was a different preferred term, then using that preferred term would also be courteous. If you don’t want to be courteous, then that’s your prerogative, but given that OP wants to talk to women, then it seems like warning him against the word “female” is useful advice.
I honestly don’t care being called a “male” as that is what I am and was born as
Yes this list of synonyms for women that changes every year. So far we got:
Who knows what they were called before
There's also ladies, which has been popular for a while. Chicas has some currency in places with large Hispanic populations.
We also had dames and broads in the 1930s, but those have fallen out of favour.
You typing shit out in list form won’t make it true.
Deestan@lemmy.world 23 hours ago
Stay off redpill forums or pickup influencers. They will put ideas in your head that isolate you and make you unlikeable and lonely, and vulnerable to macho grifts.