Submitted 19 hours ago by God1st@lemmy.zip to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
32m just starting to become more comfortable around women. I’ve just been telling myself to start small and ask how one is doing in passing. Just curious to hear from those with more experience and success with women through trial and error
Befriend some and get to know them as people.
Stop having a goal with women specifically. You talking about experience and success with women is literally the total opposite of what makes sense.
Just have fun with a person. You have had fun interacting with people before, right? Just do that. The literal only difference is that you can sprinkle in some sexual innuendos or some shit, if you think of it. If not, also fine. Then go home and resume what you always do. Repeat.
If while doing this you ever notice some sexual tension, just do something sexual. Touch them. Or tell them you find them attractive. Or ask to kiss them. Whatever, it literally doesn’t matter. If they don’t like it, you’ll likely notice because they tell you and then you can do something different. If they like it, you’ll also likely notice, and continue escalating from there. Touching platonic -> kissing -> making out hair/neck/back-> touching sexually titties/butt -> touching pussy. Natural progression.
If you notice something afterwards, while thinking about it (like someone giving you obvious signals that you completely missed), if you can, just respond to the signal as soon as you notice, don’t think “now it’s too late”. In fact, it’s never to late until you tried it and it didn’t work.
But yeah, I can’t stress this enough. The most important thing is to not expect anything. In fact, maybe you’ll never have sexual contact again. It’s best if you’re content with nothing but masturbating for the rest of your life.
This is a fantastic reply.
They are just people. Once you understand that, it is no different than talking to a waiter.
Now, flirting with a woman, that is its own skill. You need to be able to treat them as just another person first.
The best thing to do is to not see gender. Treat women the same way that you treat men. I mean that in the most literal sense, not in an “equal rights” sense (though you definitely should make sure that’s true as well).
Do you know the uncanny valley? It’s the idea that things that appear close-but-not-quite human are offputting. Something similar happens in social conversations as well. People are very good at subconsciously detecting subtle signs of incongruity between your tone, body language, and spoken words. For instance, if you are nervous but act blasé. There will be subtle signs, like in how you phrase sentences or your tone, that will be noticeable, and people will think that you are hiding something. And people may find it strange and offputting.
It’s the same reason why pick up artists appear creepy - people can detect that their intentions and worldview don’t match with their exterior façade.
Treat women the same way that you treat men.
Oh god, that’s terrible advice!
Me with men: “Damn Frank! You see that hottie by the bar?”
“Yeah. I spent the night with her last week! And then again in the morning!”
“Nice!” slaps Franks ass
everybody laughs
The next day:
“Damn Amber! You see that hot stud by the bar?”
“The…the what?”
looks over to bar, only see one person, a guy
“That’s my husband. Wait…are you bi?”
“No. Just treating you like one of the guys. So that’s your husband? Nice!”
slaps ambers ass
deafing silence as Amber rightfully glares
This sounds like more of an issue with how you’re behaving with other men.
I don’t think the example you give is a good one. Consent is always important. You don’t slap a dude’s ass without knowing ahead of time that they’re okay with it.
But that aside, there are differences for sure, and I think the most important one is in starting and ending interactions. If you’re a man interacting a woman, you need to be aware of the safety concerns from the woman’s perspective. In almost all interactions, a man can easily leave with no concern for their safety, but it’s not so simple for women, so you’d want to pay closer attention to any signs of discomfort they’re giving off and end the interaction when appropriate, or not starting one if they’re giving “don’t approach me” vibes.
If this is how you treat men, then the OP appears to be one of the smaller problems that you may have
I guess Amber is not a fan of toxic masculinity.
This and just work on being confident in yourself regardless of anyone else. If you can be comfortable in your own skin, it will naturally be attractive VS trying hard to prove yourself
What is your baseline? Did you really live thirty two years never talking to a woman before? More information would be good.
And what are your goals? You’re hinting at something romantic or sexual but didn’t say anything clear on that subject.
Honestly, is why men in their 50’s be pulling his 30 year old women. It often takes time for men to mature and gain confidence. Don’t sweat it. It’ll come.
I think my best advice would be to talk to your friends - male and female - about how you are feeling. They’ll be far better equipped to offer you good advice, since they are much more attuned to both you and the social scene you are part of.
My other advice is that you are on the right track. But that, really, you will get better faster by pushing yourself farther out of your comfort zone. Like, you are asking a woman how she is doing in passing - great! But have you tried, say, just straight up telling a woman you’ve never met that you think she is gorgeous and you want to take her on a date? Does that sound horrifying? Yes? Then do that. You learn social skills through experience, and you can only get experience through living it - not through thinking about it or imagining it. Will you get shot down? Hard? Rudely? Entirely possible - even probable! But the important thing is that you gained actual, first hand experience which you’ve lacked your whole life, which you can now build off of. Your motto should be “do stupid things faster.”
47m here. This was my journey:
Remember that scene in Heat, where Robert DeNiro introduces himself to Edie at the café? Do that. Stay interested. This goes for everyone. Get to know people. Take genuine interest in people, uncover what excites them, and get them talking about their excitement. If you find you’re excited by the same things, great. If not, there are many more people to practice on.
Also helpful:
Read books written by women. Fiction, non-fiction, articles, TV shows, films… everything. Take on concerns as experienced by women (SA, undoing redpill /mensrights /manosphere, unequal pay, caring professions) as your own responsibility. You’ll do everyone around you a favour.
Care for other people — less insofar as what they can do to/for you and more about the ends they are in themselves. Keep up good relationships.
If she’s still around, and you have the emotional capacity to do so, call your mom or sister. Women like to know that their men can have a good relationship with a woman who is not a sexual object.
Finally, give a shit about yourself. Get better at what you want to be good at. Keep a clean living space. Eat healthy, get outside, and find enjoyable activities. If you plan on dating anyone, you’re better off knowing what you like so that you can share it. Then, when she shares what she likes, you can approach it openly.
I’m not a guru. I’m still working on this from within a long-term committed relationship. It’s hard. There will be closeness, rupture, repair, and growth in any relationship. The willingness to wash, rinse, and repeat is key.
Same way you do around men: know yourself, own yourself, your goals, your actions, etc.
own yourself
“Hi there, I’ve never given a woman an orgasm, likely due to my shockingly small penis.”
Be direct, and ask questions. People enjoy talking about themselves. Don’t be self disparaging—you can tell the truth and own it at the same time. Stand up for yourself—don’t become a pushover because it is a woman asking. Don’t be afraid to say what you really think.
If it helps I’m more nervous than you
If the confidence you want is for dating purposes, you need to get comfortable with:
- figuring out what situations you're comfortable in where single women are present: not one for clubs and bars? What about pickleball or ceramics or a book club? Try new things that have some chance of having people you want to date.
- figuring out what specifically makes you uncomfortable, then facing it. Is it fear of rejection? Fear of being vulnerable? Certain kinds of social situations? Understand that rejection is part of learning and vulnerability is required (in appropriate amounts based on context) to connect.
- don't hyperfixate on any one woman or one event. Spotted a baddie? Go for it if she seems open to interaction, but don't make getting her contact info into a make or break for your whole night.
- learn to spot cues and hints that someone is or isn't into having or continuing an interaction: is she trying to put effort into conversion with you or shutting it down (even politely)?
- Stay a million miles away from the toxic "manosphere" and their incel fuckery. There is nothing of value there.
I found that as I got older I got more confident in general. I think mostly it’s just about being comfortable with who you are so you can be your genuine self around others.
Don’t ask dudes or women online. Seriously. Just go to the gym. Eventually you’ll figure it out.
WingedObsidian@sh.itjust.works 5 hours ago
Don’t see interactions with women as goals. Understand that women have very frequent and awkward interactions with men. Don’t be afraid to show your quirky side/passions. Befriend the friends. Just shut up and listen. Follow the flow of convo and ask questions when they get excited about the things they want to talk about. Understanding that women are not going to be interested in the same things you find attractive most of the time (such that women get enough attention that they instead prioritize emotional relationships, most times not all ofc). Recognize when to step away and give space/not interested. Recognize the timing for asking her number and planning a date. Most will wait for you to take initiative.