Submitted 3 weeks ago by bagbadback@feddit.org to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Ok lots of good advice and comments but let me simplify this for you a bit more.
If you trust your partner let them handle their family, trust what they say about them. If you cant, it ups the chance of break up because she is already stressed.
Unless you suspect you are the other dude or in danger stay out of it no matter how curious you are. There is literally a community full of stories like this and it always back fires when people get involved too early.
This is exactly the right advice for this situation.
Respect her and her needs. If she doesn’t want, there are good reasons for that.
She is underage, so that also counts maybe?
Maybe she is protecting you, or herself… Can you tell?
Her family is Muslim
She is protecting herself. I’ve seen this song and dance too many times in the Muslim community. She is taking a huge risk dating you and that should be enough for you to understand. If you love her, trust her, she is protecting your alls relationship in a way you can’t.
I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country.
Unfortunately, that isn’t up to you to decide for them.
Be careful, try to respect a (probably) different culture. You will not be able to change them.
Try to find out what is possible to do and tell, and what is good to do and tell. It’s going to take some time (we cannot know how long).
If you behave respectful now, it will earn you their respect and this makes both of you a happier life.
Dude, how many stories of Muslim father’s that go fucking crazy over their daughter seeing an “infidel”, have you ignored to not understand that there is a real risk she could be under?
You may live in the west, be fairly liberal and think all that religious stuff is old gen but often different cultures don’t live by western standards and stick to their archaic rules. I dated a girl for a few years from a different culture, she was too scared to tell her dad and said she would get disowned by her family… so what to do… anyway didnt end well as i wanted to settle. A year later after we broke up she was dating someone from her culture, she calls me crying and says shes pregnant and wish she had just not given a fuck about what her family thought, fuked me up quite bad tbh like.
Try get a feel of the her familly, if you think you will never get accepted, then better to walk now, you’ll find someone else.
Muslim extremists murder or maim girls who have “shamed the family” in the west too.
You’ve already asked yourself what’s the worst that can happen. Now ask her what she thinks is the worst that can happen, and what she thinks would actually happen. Do not correct her or interrupt, and only ask probing questions so that you can better understand.
I promise you that her answers are not the same as yours.
Honestly, her family being Muslim is one of the more understandable - though perhaps not justified - reasons for not telling them. The doctrine of Islam quite directly prohibits a Muslim woman from dating a non-Muslim, or “infidel,” so the fear of backlash isn’t exactly unfounded.
It shouldn’t upset you. If it was some dumb high school drama shit that would be one thing, but she’s witholding the relationship from her family for a reason and you have nothing to gain by them knowing about it. It’s not affecting you or your relationship with her, that’s her business on her time. If you don’t like it, break up and date someone else but that’d be a pretty selfish dick move on your part.
Well it clearly is affecting their relationship otherwise OP wouldn’t be posting. They are currently having to live on edge and hide their relationship, that will have negativr effects, can’t go into the family home, maybe evenfear of being recognized in public. Its not a dick move to leave the relationship, its self preservation and can hve mental effects continuing on such a path.
His self importance is effecting the relationship. Teens have been abandoned by their families for far less, she’s protecting herself and dealing with his selfishness.
I assume America by ‘West’ and ‘free country’? Ya’ll are teenagers and she is a minor. Until she is in an independent position and likely a legal adult I would not engage in the affairs of her legal guardians, as close as you two may be or feel.
Y’all
I do a lil American conjugation. Prefer it to youse, at least.
we live in the West and it’s a free country.
Yeah unfortunately to some people that doesn’t matter.
I understand your pain. I (37m) and my husband (43m) are in a loving relationship for about 15 years now. Due to the cultural differences of my husband’s family, he has not declared our relationship to his family (living in his home country). They probably know we’re more than roommates. They like me. But nothing is outspoken. (His homecountry also has a 7y prison sentence for same sex relations)
Like peer comments mentioned. It’s their decision how and when to communicate to their family. It’s not easy, but if you truly love your significant other, you’ll find a way to accept.
She’s almost certainly doing it for a good reason. If you love her then trust her, damnit.
Nah dude. You gotta respect your girlfriends wishes on this. Maybe consider getting a place when she’s 18 so she can get away? Will she be moving for university?
If her plan is to keep living with her family and never revealing you, there’s no outcome to that path. But if she is looking to move or study or whatever, you might see a future for the relationship.
Talk to her about the future and where this is going.
I have/had a good friend who is a devout Muslim, was born in Egypt but moved to the US when he was very young. His father was from there, his mother was American, white, and I’m not totally clear whether or not she converted but was definitely not Muslim when they met. From what I understand his father got a lot of shit from his family over that.
Over the years, my friend butted heads with dad a lot. At one point his dad wanted to move the family to Egypt, basically because he never fully adjusted to life in the US. My friend stood up to him, because all of his younger siblings had only ever lived here, they had friends and lives here and it would be kind of shitty to uproot all of that, so he kicked my friend out of the house, and wouldn’t let him see his siblings for probably over a year.
So that was always a threat he kept dangling over my friends head- Fall in line or I’ll move the family back to Egypt and cut you off from your siblings.
He also disapproved of any sort of american style dating, and forced my friend to break up with several girlfriends, even if they were Muslim.
One day my friend just totally ghosted all of us. Unfriended everyone on Facebook, leaving pretty much only people with middle Eastern names, stopped replying to calls or texts, etc. a couple of us went to his house to check on him, and did actually make contact with him there but he refused to answer any questions, basically just leaving it at her wasn’t going to be friends with any of us anymore.
We know at that point he’d been seeing a girl he’d been keeping secret from his dad, she later reached out to us because he also ghosted her.
We’re pretty sure what happened is that his father found out that he was dating her and had another blow-up, threatening to kick him out and cut him off from his siblings for good.
Not every Muslim family is the same of course, some wouldn’t have any issues with this sort of situation, in some it will cause varying degrees of family drama, in some it can even get physically abusive, and in a small handful of cases we might even be talking about honor killings.
Where you have different cultures and religions coming into play, this kind of thing can get complicated, it’s not always so simple as “it’s a free country” although it should be.
I can understand her hesitation if her parents are on the conservative side.
You live in a free country but until she is 18 the parents have a lot to say. Even after the age of 18 and moved away from home she has to consider their wishes or risk having her family refusing to have any contact.
It could be for her safety that she’s keeping you a secret. There have been so called “honor killings” of women whose dads or brothers suspected that she had dated someone and had sex out of wedlock.
Even in my western and free country of The Netherlands.
Do you trust your girlfriend? Then let her decide when it’s the right time to tell her family about her, her very life might just depend on it!
What the fuck? People kill their adult child for having sex?
…wikipedia.org/…/Category:Honour_killing_in_the_U…
Yes, and for generally just disobeying men.
Sadly yes, it’s got its own category of type of killing too:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honor_killing
And it’s usually the woman that suffers, or gets killed.
Many muslim families don’t allow dating, go straight to marriage. Being in the West doesn’t change one’s religion. That’s kind of a bozo comment. Assuming you can figure that out after a year, your question is because your feelings are hurt. I dated a Viet girl in high school that similarly didn’t want to tell her family since her father didn’t allow it. It felt like she didn’t care as I did. So I understand your feelings.
Are you gonna marry her? Would you convert for her? Then things will change. If not this is how it is.
Her family’s Muslim
That right there is the reason. Trust her on this one.
Understand that women in muslim families often have little freedom and that marriage with non-muslims is traditionally prohibited for them, if her family sees a problem with you, she could get beaten for that, locked inside the house, etc. It’s not something to mess around with.
She could also be murdered.
Yes. She knows her family better than you, trust her
If she is still financially reliant on her parents, you should abide by her wishes on the subject. You should not consider it a reflection of her relationship with you. She is doing what she needs to do to survive and thrive.
Eventually, she might choose to rely on you for financial support. But, you could be killed in a traffic accident, and she would still be dependent on their support. Even after you are supporting her financially, she still needs to maintain her relationship with them.
You should not consider her relationship with her parents to be a reflection on your relationship until she is capable of supporting herself, independent of both you and them.
I dated a Muslim girl. In college. We were both 22 and she still had to keep it a secret. Her dad called her every night at 8pm to make sure she did her work and was getting ready for bed. I often had to overhear that right before we fucked.
Don’t be a baby about it. If you want to be with her, be in understanding and do what it takes.
My wife is Muslim, had a very similar experience
Do you have a plan to move out with her when she tells them if it comes to that? Have you thought it through? Is this what you really want? Is this what she really wants? Don’t fuck her whole life just because you’re upset.
You actually don’t get that they are muslim, at best they won’t be happy that she is seeing someone and that someone isn’t muslim. At worst this can go into honor killing territory. In general it’s best not to be involved.
At best, they will be upset
At worst, they will murder
Jesus fucking christ.
First off, at worst, anyone is going to murder anyone. You clearly have never dated someone and met their father who was on the edge of murder.
Second, at best they won’t be happy? So according to you, every single muslim hates their child dating someone who isn’t muslim and won’t be happy? Guess I better tell that to literally every muslim I’ve dated whose parents didn’t give a solitary shit and were actively supportive of their gay kid. Or my friends who’ve dated/married muslims and were accepted into the families while being Jewish or Atheist or Protestant.
What is this racist garbage?
The fact that the girlfriend doesn’t want to tell her family is kind of a hint that they won’t be happy about the relationship. So being upset is kind of the best outcome in this situation.
It’s nice that you and also I have met nice muslims who encouraged their kids do love whoever they want. In this specific scenario I would trust the girlfriend though, because she knows her family better than us.
What is this racist bullshit?
Not engaging with any other part of your comment, but is Islam a race, now? I thought it was a religion.
First, religion is not a race. Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority. Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
I don’t think anyone who mentions that honor killings are a thing is saying that. Honor killings have been recognized by amnesty international as being a distinct threat to women worldwide that is present in America as well specific to Muslim majority countries in the Middle East and Asia.
I think any child has the potential of being killed by their angry parents, it’s happened very frequently from people of all backgrounds, but it’s ok to admit that a Muslim girl who doesn’t want to introduce you to her parents could be motivated by the fear of death or abuse in a very specific way. And i think it’s ok to tell this kid that this is a possible additional pressure based on her culture.
But it’s fair to say this has happened like a half dozen times in the US in two decades. That might feel like a lot, but considering the sheer number of Muslims who live in this country, that might as not happen at all.
I can keep both of these ideas in my head at the same time and not have a weird, knee-jerk meltdown in the comments!
Honour killing is such a rare thing, I find what you are saying blatantly racist tbh. Do you know how many Muslims there are in the world?
And yet, she is obviously afraid.
I’ve just stated that it’s a possibility, and at worst. These things really happen, if rarely, point was it’s better not to force an issue if other party is unwilling.
She’s already part of a religion that hates her for being a woman, no need to give them even more reasons
Hey there, am an Australian from a Muslim family. I too have the same, yet opposite, relationship dynamic as you - though our families are both aware now.
Formally, it is considered forbidden for Muslim women to marry outside the faith; her family won’t take it lightly. Perhaps in ways you haven’t considered.
Talk to your girlfriend. Ask her what she is worried about, and she will tell you. That is the best thing you can do.
What about this situation is causing you to be upset?
Perhaps a slightly less doom-and-gloomy scenario (because not all muslims hate women): in many muslim cultures it’s expected that a relationship turns into a marriage quickly. A non-muslim colleague of mine started dating a muslim girl and her family was totally supportive of the relationship, but he did have to marry her within just a couple months of dating. They were both happy to do so but they’re a fair bit older than you are. Your girlfriend might not feel ready for such a thing.
Talk to her about it, and ask if she’s worried about her family’s reaction, what she expects and why. Don’t pressure her into introducing you to the family, but clarify that you’d just like to know why. You can express you’d like to meet them of course, but just remember that her decision should be final in all this. That will help your relationship going forward, and once she is ready for it you’ll get to meet them.
Kyrgizion@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
If she knows the backlash will be insane and she still has to live there, totally understandable. Make sure you’re aligned on where to go with this in the future. If she truly wants to choose a life with you she may have to break with her family at some point. You can’t expect her to be ready for that at this time, but you also shouldn’t be strung along if she never sees an actual future with you. Good relationships require honesty on both sides and great communication.