My wife and I will sit in the same room for hours and never speak a word to each other. We only talk when we have something to say, and we’re both happy with that relationship. My sister thinks we’re crazy, but we like it quiet.
do you think freewill truly exists?
Submitted 3 weeks ago by Goku@sh.itjust.works to [deleted]
https://sh.itjust.works/pictrs/image/86346738-f24e-4e23-b781-4c7c87afbf08.png
Comments
Signtist@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
Gloomy@mander.xyz 3 weeks ago
My steppairents are like this and beeing them, at a meal table and have nobody say anything for 20 Minutes is so fucking wired. I am getting used to it, but it’s still off as fuck.
MinorLaceration@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I’m interested to know the dynamic that causes two step parents to be together like that. Is it one parent and one step parent or a step parent that remarried and now you have a step step parent?
wpb@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
“Such weather we’re having huh?”
Truly peak romance
Zenith@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
But at least it’s a conversation you can work with “oh yeah it’s so nice we should go do X” or “yeah it’s crazy out there, we should stay in and watch a movie and snuggle” the point of small talk is to open avenues of conversation… I think people just don’t know how to have conversations anymore and chalk it up to “not liking small talk”
krashmo@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I think it’s more about your expectation from interactions with strangers. I will tolerate a ton of weather talk from my wife but if the guy taking my order at 5 Guys tries the same thing it’s not going to be as well received.
lunarul@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
we should go do X
we should stay in and watch a movie and snuggle
That’s not small talk, that’s planning what to do today. You can open the same conversation with “hey, what do you want to do today?”
dragonfucker@lemmy.nz 3 weeks ago
the point of small talk is to open avenues of conversation
If you’re married to someone, all avenues of conversation should be open the minute you’ve both said hi. If you need to talk about the weather before you decide what to get for dinner, with your spouse, then your marriage is a failure.
ameancow@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
People will also say something stupid about the weather or news or whatever just because they want to express to you that they’re friendly and open to converse. Ignoring “small talk” from a stranger is like actively rejecting someone’s desire to connect.
Which is fine, if you’re as antisocial and spiteful against “casual life” like everyone in this post is pretending to be and you love it and you’re happy, that’s great. Say “just put it in the bag” and get out of there.
The problem is most of these people who act like people talking about “last night’s game” are NPC’s in the Matrix and they would NEVER stoop to the level of talking about sports or weather… are the same people who will race home to post their manifestos about how lonely they are and how society is crumbling and how they wish they lived somewhere walkable with community and how hard dating is.
Our cognitive dissonance as a species is maxing out.
ameancow@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Lotta folks on both sides of this conversation who have never been in a long-term relationship.
ameancow@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
The current state of society is: “Ugh I can’t believe this cashier is talking about the weather when I’m in a hurry to get back on the internet to complain about how lonely I am and how hard it is to make friends and date.”
wpb@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
You’re probably joking, but know that there’s a subset of us that gets pathologically anxious and confused by small talk. Autistic people for example. Different folks, different strokes. Not everyone deals well with talking about the weather, and that’s ok. There’s billions who do deal well with it, and that’s ok too! Be a mensch and talk to them instead.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com 3 weeks ago
No, we just stfu when we don’t have anything interesting to talk about. It’s not complicated.
JackbyDev@programming.dev 3 weeks ago
Why do you think small talk isn’t interesting? Sharing neat things that happened during the day is small talk. Talking about your hobbies is small talk. Talking about cool movies and TV shows is small talk. All interesting topics.
myliltoehurts@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
Is talking about your hobbies and interests really small talk? I always attributed small talk to the like of “how is it going? Fine thanks and you? Fine too thanks oh damn crap/great weather we are having huh?”
artichoke99@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
lightnsfw@reddthat.com 3 weeks ago
Because a great deal of it isn’t interesting. I have to listen to all the ancient dudes I sit next too talk about the most innane crap all day long. I don’t need that when I get home too.
Lv_InSaNe_vL@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
So like when you get home from a normal and boring day at work you just walk into your house in silence and sit down?
No “hey honey how are you” or anything like that?
lightnsfw@reddthat.com 3 weeks ago
I would love to walk into my house in silence and just sit down. I’m usually stressed AF when I get home and the last thing I want to do is talk to someone. Unfortunately I rent from a couple of retirees who spend all day camped out in their living room watching TV and it’s impossible to enter the house without going through there and having to have a tedious conversation with them about what their dog did today or whatever stupid thing.
BallShapedMan@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
My wife asks how my day was “great, or good, or whatever” then I ask how her day was she usually stops talking before bedtime. Works for both of us!
DamienGramatacus@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Asking someone you love “How was your day?” is a meaningful question. Small talk is bullshit time wasting between randos or acquaintances.
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
“Lovely weather today, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, makes me feel like picnics,”
is expressing feelings to each other, affirming a shared worldview in which sunny weather is good, and affirming the value of each others’ feelings and potential plans.
Just because the real meaning is hidden, doesn’t negate the value.
DamienGramatacus@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
That’s fair. Sometimes I can be a bit grumpy with randos.
OccamsRazer@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
It’s not small talk, because i actually care how my wife’s day was.
jaschen@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
How do you get married to someone if you never started with small talk?
bountygiver@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
through meeting with intent so your talks are not small.
vaultdweller013@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
In the case of my grandfather he just went all in on his batshit insane stories, his first one was apparently how he electrocuted his balls. My grandmother avoided him initially, but after she realized he was the charming type of insane she warmed up to him. The fuck were people doing in the 70s?
lunarul@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
The free will question is much closer to the conversations I was having with my wife before we got married. We were talking for hours every day, I can’t imagine spending hours on small talk.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com 3 weeks ago
Fill the void with intercourse.
dragonfucker@lemmy.nz 3 weeks ago
Try getting married to a dragon, they don’t care about small talk
HugeNerd@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
Because that way “I see you as a friend!” lies. At least that’s why I’m single.
OccamsRazer@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Well that wasn’t really the question. But actually I met her when we were both pretty young so I don’t recall it being much of an issue. We probably talked about kid stuff.
NONE_dc@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
When I say “I hate small talk” I actually mean “please Shut up, Im really anxious and I don’t know what to respond to you other that nodding and «Thats crazy»”
ameancow@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
When most people say “I hate small talk” it’s because they don’t socialize broadly and don’t really “get” how it works, and how it’s often just a way of expressing how you feel at that moment, and when two people are making small-talk, it’s less about the information being shared and more about the tone, intimacy and connection, like sharing space and being open with passing thoughts.
People in a healthy relationship will “small talk” for hours about the weather or pizza prices, and then launch into a deep debate about post-modernism and expressionist art, which will dissolve as one or both get distracted by the pizza finally arriving.
When someone says “I hate small talk” it just reveals they have no understanding how human connection actually works.
CosmicTurtle0@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
Small talk is the human equivalent to the initialization/handshake phase of the TCP protocol.
It establishes the connection, introduces the speakers, validates the presence of the other, and then allows data transmission to take place.
Unlike computers, we humans require years of practice to get it correct because there isn’t one set standard.
mr_satan@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
I hate small talk, because you (a stranger) do not interest me and I don’t care about trying to connect with you. I have neither the need nor the energy to try and am very comfortable just being in silence.
I small talk with people that I interact on a daily basis and need to communicate with (coworkers). Even then it heavily depends on how much energy I have.
I small talk with my friends and SO because I want to connect. So I put effort in to be present in the conversations.
It’s not right to lump small talk with a cashier, cab driver or a haircutter together with small talk with a friend or a partner.
NONE_dc@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Pal you actually sounds like someone who really HATES small talk, Jesus…
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
Understandable. And relatable.
FourWaveforms@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
after you get through all the asking each other stuff to get to know each other’s histories etc phase, it’s okay to just not talk all the time
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
It’s not just histories and facts, though. Sure, you don’t have to talk all the time, but sharing feelings and connection, in a relaxing way, through small talk, helps maintain and build that connection. More important for some people than others.
zqwzzle@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
Silence is bliss while doing your own hobbies together.
akakevbot@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
I absolutely love questions like this! My wife absolutely hates them. She often gets irritated people ask questions about what you think.
Like when our therapist asked her “How do you think your actions contribute to your own unhappiness?”
stoicmaverick@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I feel like you wrote another six paragraphs about all the reasons why she asked your wife that specific question before deleting it all… I feel that feels.
akakevbot@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
I never was good at being subtle.
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
“How do you feel about being to blame for your problems and relationship difficulties?”
“Um… >:-(”
“See, you never like it when I ask about your feelings!”
akakevbot@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
I just went with forgoing my own self care and losing my sense of self in pursuit of meeting her ever changing expectations instead of acknowledging if come to define myself be the relationship. Not sure which is better…
Not to worry though, the papers are in the mail!
Hadriscus@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
I do exactly this ! Hi honey how was your day ? Kids were restless ? Ok. Does that affect your stance on education through play ? is punishment sometimes advisable ? you haven’t read your copy of Foucault’s Discipl… hey where are you going ?.. baby ??
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
“I’ll be right back, I forgot my stack of research notes in the kitchen! Do you need citations?”
exu@feditown.com 3 weeks ago
These kinds of philosophical questions are easily defeated by asking “does it matter though?”
running_ragged@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I don’t think that defeats it at all, it just changes the direction of the conversation and is as deeply philosophical as the first. Some might say life goes on with or without free will so it doesn’t matter, other say that the a societal acceptance of the absence of free will removes the burden of guilt, and could reshape society in very profound ways, so of course it matters.
cattywampas@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
There is value in asking the question and in the consideration itself. Even if we never find the answer, it’s good for our brains to think about these things. Knowledge, and the search for it, has value in itself. We don’t always need to do something with it.
shneancy@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
it may not matter at all, but we’re here, somehow, made of sentient flesh, kept on a giant rock hurling through space, spinning around an enormous buring ball of fire. it’s all bizarre and none of us knows what is going on, so why not take some time out of the lives we live as statistical abnormalities, and just ponder on the whys and hows and whats of the things around us, and our own minds
ALoafOfBread@lemmy.ml 3 weeks ago
I guess, if they answer “No” or “Yeah your simple rebuttal has made me realize the problem of free will is nbd actually”.
But if they say “Yes. It does matter.” Then suddenly it isn’t defeated and you’d need to provide a compelling argument for it not mattering.
spankmonkey@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
“It does if you are mad about me cheating on you.”
PunnyName@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Old friend of mine: “Will this matter at my funeral?”
HugeNerd@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
Not spelled like that, no.
ivanafterall@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Fuckin’ got 'em.
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
Hey, that’s racist. Freewill’s ancestors were enslaved and abused for generations, now they’re free so his parents, William and Wilhimina, named him Freewill to celebrate his freedom!
hedge_lord@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
I REFRAIN FROM THE PRACTICE OF UTILIZING MINISCULE SPEECH. EACH AND EVERY INSTANCE OF MY EXPRESSION IS VAST AND VERBOSE AND MAXIMAL.
partial_accumen@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Being in a relationship means you can come home and totally info-dump unguarded about whatever weird thing you’re contemplating and the person opposite you will be happy you’re there and delighted that you’re happy or sad with you if you’re sad. It also means you do this for the other person with genuine interest. I don’t call that “small talk”.
VitoRobles@lemmy.today 3 weeks ago
This is it.
My wife comes home and fires on all cylinders about her day. Then I share how much my one coworker sucks and what they did today.
Then we wonder about the heat death of the universe.
vala@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Literally yes.
Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.org 3 weeks ago
Small talk is the equivalent of dogs sniffing each others ass. The topic isn’t really the point, it’s just a quick and easy way to gauge another person’s mood and attitude towards you. It’s a skill worth developing. And I say this as someone with social anxiety.
lobut@lemmy.ca 3 weeks ago
I think the analogy is a bit crude but quite bang on.
I think it’s a good skill too and I have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety.
spankmonkey@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
But most people who are invested in small talk will be giving the signals they think the other person wants, making it less useful than not talking at all.
This is coming from someone who learned how to do small talk, watches other people completely flip their personality the moment they are out of the small talk, and only uses it when necessary because everyone else does. I do avoid common topics I have no interest in, like watching sports, and avoid getting into the weeds of topics and that works well enough for anyone I would want to talk to later.
deaf_fish@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
So small talk is a horrible name then.
Could one, instead, just ask “Hey, are you willing to get into a big deep metaphysical conversation right now?”
RedAggroBest@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Is or is not talking about how your days went considered small talk? I literally don’t know now. I’d say it’s small talk.
Small talk is a way to gauge someone’s mood before going for the bigger discussions
lennivelkant@discuss.tchncs.de 3 weeks ago
If a colleague asks me “Hi, how’re you doing?” it’s small talk and I’ll respond something like “Oh you know, the usual.” If my partner asks me “Hi, how was your day?” it’s a genuine question and I will respond “That fucking dickhead at work that always plays nice and personable came around with another set of “urgent” requests and no fucking clue what he’s actually asking for, whether it’s possible or why I told him last week it isn’t.”
The difference is in how serious I take the question.
akademy@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
So, you just HAVE to talk?
Do you hate silence?
psmgx@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
ITT we ask the autistic to self identify
terminhell@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Id rather discuss that than what someone did last weekend tbh.
match@pawb.social 3 weeks ago
if you’re in a relationship you can just hug instead of small talk
mr_satan@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
The real answer is it doesn’t matter. I feel like I have free will hence I have free will for all meaningful intents and purposes.
Neither argument can be proven and even if it’s an illusion, it’s strong enough to make the truth irrelevant.
Shardikprime@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
zer0bitz@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Why does the image look like AI generated? How the letters are so fucked up?
Lazhward@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Meaningful.
The clue is in meaningful.
CrowAirbrush@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Silence isn’t a crime you know…it’s actually pretty great.
TempermentalAnomaly@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Shit got real in the shit post sub.
Scott_of_the_Arctic@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
My partner and I both understand that free will doesn’t exist but it’s better for everyone if we pretend it does. And yes, a lot of our conversations are a bit like that.
Korne127@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Like yeah, exactly. With the right person, you can talk for hours and hours about all kinds of stuff that interests you.
Takios@discuss.tchncs.de 3 weeks ago
with the right person you can also be quiet with for hours
Aviscii@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
This! Silence is so much better than unnecessary and forced talking
ameancow@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Absolutely, but you don’t get to that point by not ever “small talking” along the way. Small-talk is how we express to each other how we feel, how we want to be talked to, what we notice around us and so on. It’s a critical component to socializing. Conversations between human beings doesn’t play out narratively like in media and movies, there’s no “point” to conversing with someone you’re close to, you’re just sharing shit.
PunnyName@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
But also meaningless bullshit. That does not denote a bad relationship.
jballs@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Exactly. I can’t remember where I heard this - it might have been a podcast like RadioLab or something else - but it was talking about how happily married, intelligent couples talk to each other .
It turns out, it’s not usually super deep, intelligent conversations. The vast majority of conversations are just meaningless bullshit. Most of the time, couples aren’t even really talking to each other, but they’re just kind of thinking aloud. Stupid stuff like, “I swear I saw a dozen blue Volkswagens today.”
It turns out that people who are comfortable with each other don’t need to have deep conversations all the time. They can just relax, unwind, and be themselves.
Kacarott@aussie.zone 3 weeks ago
The way I understand “Smalltalk” is not whether the subject matter is “serious enough” but rather whether either party actually has any interest in it, or if it is a polite nicety to avoid awkward silence.
Discussing the weather in a car ride with a coworker is smalltalk, contemplating with a friend how one might conquer the world using ant-controlling super powers is not.
LanguageIsCool@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Talk about the stuff that interests you, you know, the small stuff
essell@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Small stuff doesn’t really interest me, or my partner.
Doesn’t mean we’re incapable of discussing dinner plans or cleaning schedules.
Strider@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
Indeed I can confirm.
Just a few days ago I pondered the life of plants and asked my wife how she thinks the death of a plant is defined if for animals (including humans of course) it’s mostly the heartbeat.
So when is a plant dead?
milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee 3 weeks ago
When you see its little planty soul waft up to heaven.
M137@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
For hours, every day, for years or decades? That has never happened.