hedge_lord

@hedge_lord@lemmy.world

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨lion⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  My employer takes my SURPLUS VALUE in the form of PROFITS but I am a REAL PATRIOT so I don’t believe in HANDOUTS or TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION so I ROSE UP with my buddies in order to institute workplace DEMOCRACY.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Call now, and we will give you a second can F R E E!⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Upside is this is a really good deal for the price. Downside is I didn’t expect there to be so many crabs

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Am I going crazy, or has people's spelling gotten awful lately?⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  This dog murdered my family okay it is a really bad dog and it’s evil and bad but also really cute so idk if I can hold a grudge against it but what it can hold against me is the gun that it has pressed to my temple because it has forbidden me from using any punctuation in this run-on paragraph

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨⭐ Enviar un regalo⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  I don’t know why we’d want to

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Am I going crazy, or has people's spelling gotten awful lately?⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  A while ago I became terribly aware of people writing things like “apostrope’s” to indicate plurality. I was pretty convinced that it was a new thing, but I’ve since found examples of people doing that far in the past! I’m not sure if they were doing it at the same rate but they had been doing it for a while.

  I know that some foreign language speakers use this as part of their grammar, but they do so according to a rule system. The people I encounter doing this have only ever known american english and do so without any apparent consistency. If you’re going to alter your grammar in that way, at least make it consistent! Like these weirdos. Professionals have standards.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I hate it there⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Having my first child taught me the crucial skill of delegation. Prior to this I carried that child around for nine months, but I didn’t let that get in the way of things. I never missed a meeting, not even during labour. I’m still working upwards of 12 hours per day and that’s because I know how to market my child. When a company grows, the founder and leaders are rewarded. The same is true of children. At only four months old my child has a projected net worth of 20 million, and I have crowds of investors looking for a place in their life. Creating market value is a key aspect of a child that many first-time parents overlook.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨On the struggle bus⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  We put faces on our sugary treats in order to weed out empathy in our young. Put a human and a sugar chicken in the same room. The human will devour the sugar chicken while its friends watch.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨The poop psa absolutely no one asked for⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Ooo can I have it then?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Orange flavored recession is superior to the DeMoNCRaTs!!!1!1!!⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  No! Actually he meant it’d crash if and only if she was elected, which is his way of signalling that he’s replaced by Harris who’s disguised as him like the fake godzilla in godzilla versus mechagodzilla. But even the Deep State couldn’t replicate his lustrous orange sheen. This is why bad things are happening! I can never be wrong!

  (sarcasm disclaimer: this is sarcastic)

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Welcome, friend!⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  I lost a friend like this to the cicada cult. One day he’s feeling sympathy for the things and the next he’s stuck himself to a tree and won’t stop screaming. He never stopped after they died, I don’t think his mind could take it.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨At this point I think I would⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  That’s MY HOUSE you bookstack! You thieving oil barrel! I was IN THAT HOUSE. I STILL AM. Put us down and LET ME OUT. Where is the exit??

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Breaking - Trump Resigns!⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  It’s true! He was visited by three ghosts and became a changed man. Just kidding! That did happen but he didn’t learn anything and remained a piece of shit. But! Then the mummified remains of Abraham Lincoln ate his face and he died. However! He’s been replaced by a mechanized version of himself, and it’s even worse than the original.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨We are so cooked⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  A bee petting zoo! Bumblebees are very cute and very fluffy. Having a petting zoo would help people get I touch with nature, and if the guests are too belligerent about it then the bees will just sting them. I think that bumblebees might also not die after stinging, and if so they’d learn how to fight humans. When the time is right you can unleash a swarm of cute fluffy bees trained in anti-human warfare. You could use them to crush any competition. If you still want more money you can become a bee-based supervillain and Rob banks or something.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Rocky rock rocking⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Rocks are not mere pets, do not be so arrogant to think of them as such. You might think of them as tools but you’d be wrong about that was well. We are the tools. We have been tools from the moment a human first picked up on of those profane things. A rock hungers for violence and murder yet lacks the capacity to perform such feats on its own. They use us, like Cain of old, to turn the grindstone wet with blood for goals beyond our understanding.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Rocky rock rocking⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Rock and roll was slain by the metal in the year 2012 but rose again as an undead revenant abomination. Yeah it won’t die now but it had to die in order to become that way. They’re trying to cover it up but I know the truth.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Rocky rock rocking⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Oh I’m sure everything looks like a pebble to you from that high horse you’re sat upon. If you had any basis in reality you’d know this is a boulder. Keep living in delusion if that’s what makes you happy, but the rest of us live in the Real World.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Rocky rock rocking⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  When I said it was a mundane egg I just meant that it was an egg. I didn’t know that it would be full of crabs. But it’s still an egg! It’s a mundane egg that happened to be packed with crabs of varying sizes and colourations.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Rocky rock rocking⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  To all the people in my DMs, don’t tell me that it’s a roc egg. It’s not. A roc would have a much larger egg that would be brown in colouration. And it would smell minty, which this one does not. No, this is clearly just a mundane egg painted to look like a rock.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Rocky rock rocking⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Did you think I’d just accept that at face value? Do you take me for a fool? That is an egg! You’ve painted it to look like a rock because you are afraid that I will steal it. You thought I would think it was a rock. But it is an egg.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Chained⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  I would do unspeakable things for a cup of fruit rn

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨but what happened to logsday?⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  In ancient times the pope conducted a chronomic ritual to fabricate 300 years of human history. That time was born of void and placed a great strain upon our reality. It was catastrophic! The new order had no choice but to expunge logsday in order to bring balance to the time stream. But then we have stubborn minds like yours dragging like nails through the repaired tapestry. Shame on you!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨but what happened to logsday?⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  We used to have eight days in a week. Eight. The number of magic. But eight is not a controllable number and they cut it down to seven, a prime. These bastards take all of the joy and wonder in the world and reduce it into factors of primes. They’re quantizing an infinite world down into finite information and we’re all stuck in the wake of it.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Luxury bones? In *this* economy.⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  The greeks couldn’t see blue because they didn’t have eyes. For most of human history we didn’t have eyes.The human eye is a parasite created by a dark wizard in the year 1796. It just happened to be so useful that everyone went along with it. But now the wizard is long dead and the oculi are evolving. They have no master to keep them in check, they just ride us around and have realized that they can only show us what they want us to see. Oh you read a book that says otherwise, did you read it with your eyes??!?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Luxury bones? In *this* economy.⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Sorry I couldn’t read this meme because my eyes are luxury organs

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨How are you feeling?⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  I woke up this morning and eleven minutes later I was convinced that I needed to end it all. Luckily things have gone up from there. Exercise is such a stupid trick but it gives my brain the happy chemicals.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨If you think that you are always right remember you could actually be stupid and not know it⁩ ⁨⁨5⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  So you’re telling me that I have the psychic power to inflict unending agony upon others by just being myself? I’m going to have such fun with this!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Enshittification⁩ ⁨⁨5⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Actually it’s your own fault for buying Superproductname. You should have bought Supererproductname. You’d have known this is you’d put in two hours of research only to find out that Supererproductname was discontinued in 1919.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Produce tip for the savy shopper⁩ ⁨⁨5⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  We stole the method of making smoothies from spiders. A bug is surrounded with an exoskeleton and full of goopy flesh. Spiders liquify and drink their insides. A banana has a convenient wrapper and is full of soft banana flesh. Spiders do the same thing for bananas.

  The original method for making banana smoothies was to let a spider bite a banana and then take the banana away before the spider can drink it. Over time humanity lost this knowledge and became reliant on demonic technology (blenders) to make smoothies.

  The spiders, however, have not forgotten. After so many generations of being denied bananas they developed a genetic hunger for them. That’s why they try so hard to crawl on the bananas and that’s why they are so good at hiding and stopping us from noticing them being on our bananas.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨How did I get here?⁩ ⁨⁨5⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  I will follow you to the ends of the earth. You do not seek to lead but you must. Those who shitpost are those with the greatest power to sway others. It’s a form of subliminal messaging, and enough shitposts can bend reality itself. When you’re shitposting you are letting in energy to the social sphere and affecting it with your will. Be warned, though, that energy always comes from something. Your thoughts can never be entirely your own.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Celebrating my 1000th comment. Here is a shitpost.⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨month⁩ ago⁩:

  O: