Submitted 1 day ago by fig@feddit.org to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Nobody is the asshole. You all seem to handle the situation calmly like rational adults.
I’d say ask the kids. So far everyone seems to be in favour. Maybe you can do a trial period before your gf moves in with all her stuff and gives up her current home.
Second this, ask the kids.
Depending on the ages of the kids, this more sounds like a family decision. Talk to ex wife, talk to kids, everyone be on the same page?
Sounds like a very rocky situation that it’s best to further discuss with your ex wife.
Everyone’s different but I have never been in a relationship where that would have worked out well, and I’m still on good terms with all my exes. Probably best you either give it a couple more years and just move out when you think the kids are ready, or consider moving out now and figuring out how to sort the kids situation out. If you and your ex wife aren’t on good enough terms to discuss those topics, I doubt living together would work out in a healthy manner for you guys/the kids.
You say in a comment that it's your house and that your ex loves the house, area, etc. Well, when you divorced that was one of the things that stopped being a couple thing and started being an individual thing. This is just part of being apart. My wife and my ex get along fine but there's no way we could be in the same house. I think its probably time to finish separating and be in a place where you can be fully with your current partner and put energy into helping the kids through this. But this is just opinion.
How will your ex wife feel about seeing you two be intimate? For some this would be a fucking dagger in the soul. For others, could be hot. For others, indifferent.
Do you and you ex wife sleep in the same room? Will you and your girlfriend?
If the space is adequate, doesn’t involve a big physical relocation for your ex wife, the house is yours alone, the kids are old enough to understand, and you plan on all being respecful, the yeah, it can work.
That’s a bunch of ifs. Not all are in your control. Any are not met and you are the asshole.
If say it’s dicey.
I’m not sure, so if I were you I’d test the waters before committing to moving in.
Have your girlfriend over more often, stay for dinner, those things. If she’s already doing those things or it goes well, have her stay the night a few times. After that, have her stay for a week. Pay attention to how the kids and your ex react, not just what they say about it. Do they avoid going into rooms where your girlfriend is? Do they seem more annoyed than usual at signs of her presence, like a left-out plate?
When you do all this, treat her like a resident, not a guest.
If all that goes smoothly, I’d give the move-in a shot. If it doesn’t, then you haven’t committed your girlfriend to giving up her current living arrangements, she can go back to them.
Don’t do it. No matter how cool your ex seems, odds are this situation with your girlfriend moving into the house would cause big problems in ways you can’t foresee.
Move in with your gf. Moving the gf in could work out fine or could be a disaster. I wouldn’t risk it.
I’m predicting the ex asks if their SO can move in and this turns into a sitcom.
Your ex needs a suite. Don’t do it.
Kids are probably old enough to get it. I would just think that you will be loading a shotgun that’s going to shoot you in the face down the line. Either the ladies will get in each other’s hair or, worse, they’ll team up against you. I think your girlfriend is either insane or not entirely honest when she says she would be fine with your arrangement. I would sooner suggest you look for a place closeby. I’m guessing the 15yo is eye rolling you hard and the 13yo will soon not care about you either. You’ve carried them through the divorce rough spot with your unique living arrangement. Take a bow and let it go. Provide a better environment for your new relationship.
NTA you are not the asshole. It seems somewhat feasable and legit, if everybody agrees.
But still I recommend against the idea.
Reason: Conflicts between ex and gf will arise. They are unavoidable. Life in general will become more difficult for all. Life for the kids has just started to be more difficult anyway (the teenage years). In all this, I cannot help the impression that you are the kind that avoids conflicts instead of resolving them.
i would look for a place to move in with the gf rather than have her move in, if it’s economically feasible.
Sounds like drama. That’s a bad idea.
Opinion from someone with divorced parents: it’s fine. The “stability thing” isn’t that important, what is is a healthy relationship between the 2 parents, which you seem to have. My parents kept a good relationship and are still friends to this day, and that really helped, more than if they stayed in the same house or if didn’t let their new partners move in.
Having both your ex-wife and new partner in the same house could cause issues, but not because of the stability, because of conflicts it could bring. This is what is difficult for kids, having to deal with parents in conflict. If you believe you can make this work, that they’re both grown up enough to live together and that the roles vis-a-vis the kids are clear I would say go ahead, when I was a kid I was happy to see my parents getting new partners and becoming happier!
More information is needed here:
Is the house your own and yours alone, so that you can make this decision alone?
Is the available space equally enough for all the possible variants?
Is the money of any concern in the whole story? (If yes, please elaborate)
If your kids know you’re divorced then just move gf in and let your exwife decide to be a good housemate/mom to work nicely with your new gf or whatever else that works for you. Seek legal separation if your exwife has any incompatibility with your house and your rules.
anamethatisnt@sopuli.xyz 1 day ago
I would say you’d better off looking for a new place with space for the kids, having the ex-wife and gf fight over cleaning/washing/household routines sound like a recipe for chaos.
fig@feddit.org 1 day ago
protist@mander.xyz 1 day ago
Assuming the house is large enough for everyone to have a bit of space, I don’t see any problem with it. Your kids are old enough to be able to handle this. Just wondering…is your ex planning to live with you long term? What happens after your youngest turns 18? It seems like at some point you’re going to want your ex out of the house, have there been any discussions about timelines, alternative arrangements, etc.?
anamethatisnt@sopuli.xyz 1 day ago
After reading your other responses in this thread it sounds like your culture is vastly different from mine.
The fact that you mention providing alternate housing for an ex, that would be her own responsibility where I’m from, and the fact that you decided to still live together while seeing others are plain weird to me.
I’d say a first step would be to have them meet each other with you there and then having brunch or something on their own. If either can’t stand the other then it’s not gonna work after all.
MadMadBunny@lemmy.ca 1 day ago
What kind of house are we talking about here, a two-bedroom or a mansion with suites and guest house?
Cobrachicken@lemmy.world 1 day ago
You ever thought that OP could/would do the household chores? I mean, we’re all emancipated, aren’t we?
Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org 1 day ago
If he were emancipated: wouldn’t he do only half of the chores? ; -)
anamethatisnt@sopuli.xyz 1 day ago
I meant that every household has their own thoughts on how the chores should be done. Compromising with a loved one is usually a hell of a lot simpler than your ex-husbands new girl or your boyfriends ex-wife.
bacon_pdp@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Why wouldn’t they work together and then he would have to do all the cleaning/washing/household routines
anamethatisnt@sopuli.xyz 1 day ago
I meant that every household has their own thoughts on how the chores should be done. Compromising with a loved one is usually a hell of a lot simpler than your ex-husbands new girl or your boyfriends ex-wife.