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Christ, I have a 37 hour work week, and I still don’t feel like I have enough time to myself. I don’t even have kids. I don’t understand how americans handle that shit.
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Submitted 2 weeks ago by Toasted_Breakfast@lemmy.today to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Comments
MBech@feddit.dk 2 weeks ago
kandoh@reddthat.com 2 weeks ago
The 60 hour week alone would wipe me out. You need a day to yourself and you’re going to have to bargain with your family to get it.
tomkatt@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I’m in my 40s. I don’t have any kids, but am married nearly 20 years, home and property owner, bills, the household handyman “fixer,” managing health conditions, etc.
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Find work you enjoy. I know that’s easier said than done, but you spend much of your waking hours at work, and it bleeds into everything. Find a way to make it suck less. A bad job will suck the life out of you.
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Find hobbies you enjoy. Preferably more than one, you can burn out on things you enjoy as much as you can with work.
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Cut off negative people. Social connections are important, but be wary of social vampires, people who leave you exhausted and stressed. Cut them off, even if they’re your own family. If that’s not possible, keep as low contact as possible, put them on an information diet, and gray rock them.
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Make time to connect with your spouse. Cuddle in bed, talk about your day. Hug. Engage.
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Make time for exercise. Don’t say there’s no time. Don’t make excuses. Get it done. It’s one of the most important things you’ll do for your physical and mental well being, and should improve your energy levels over time.
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If at all possible, contribute to causes that matter to you. If you have the funds, maybe donate to your local food bank, homeless shelter, animal shelter, or maybe volunteer if you don’t have funds. It can help a lot to feel like your contributing meaningfully to society and your community, and jobs may pay the bills, but don’t always provide that sense of meaning and contribution.
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Practice gratitude. Spend some time thinking of the things you appreciate and are grateful for, the good things, even just small stuff.
None of this advice is particularly specific, but it’s mostly worked for me. Dunno what else I can suggest. You sound stressed and possibly burned out, so take some time to find your stressors that are triggering this feeling of being overwhelmed and “over it” and try to focus on the good and meaningful things.
mad_djinn@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
so, Christianity, except your god is rational economic theory? Do what it takes, anything at all, to reproduce, to invest, to live that life we were promised.
I always find the most important part of this kind of reddit-tier advice is the part where you cut off people who aren’t useful to your vision. The opposite of society, that is.
Just like Thatcher said about society, “There is no such thing! There are individual men and women and there are families.”
You are living that dream.
tomkatt@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I honestly don’t understand what you’re talking about, but it sounds pretty cynical the way you describe it.
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BranBucket@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
That’s an absolutely crushing schedule.
When I think of “middle aged family man”, I think of a salaried employee or tradesman working a 40 hour work week, and supporting kids with the help of a spouse who’s either a homemaker or earns additional income. Which mostly describes me.
You’re comparing apples to oranges. I work occasional overtime and it always knocks my dick in the dirt for a week or so. All things considered, just surviving what you’re describing is an achievement.
You’re doing an amazing job and I hope you can find a situation that gives you more time off soon. You deserve it.
WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 2 weeks ago
Some of them don’t, they keel over and die.
Congratulations on surviving! That is a good sign.
Next step: survive until you feel the urge to blame the younger generations for all problems.
netvor@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Man I’m 45 and I don’t blame the youth for any problems now. But maybe I’m just charging my blame lasers so that I can go even harder when I’m 65. Like, “when I was younger I never blamed the youths for problems but NOW, with YOU it’s justified!”.
fishy@lemmy.today 2 weeks ago
As I get older I continuously get more mad at the older generations.
sausager@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I’m 40 and the US has only gotten worse. Older generations have fucked us continuously. The only hope is to get out but it’s nearly impossible. I hate it here. I’ve lost all hope
rantron@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
You have to find some time for yourself. I hear what you’re saying, I’m a principal at a school and father of three soon to be four. I lost myself and my family and my work.
Everything was supposed to be great but there was something missing. That something was myself. I didn’t hang out my friends anymore. I stopped playing dungeons& dragons and magic. No exercise, no fun outside of family.
Luckily for me I have an amazing partner, who supported me instead of doubt me when I told her something was missing. I got the whole gang back together. I play magic again, who really has time for d&d.
There’s that old saying that ranks so true to me. If you’re someone who constantly filling up other people’s vessels, you must make sure that you fill yours up as well.
You got this.
InvalidName2@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
Hard to make any real conclusions or make any specific helpful recommendations/observations without making a lot of assumptions. If I were going to, though, I would say that it sounds like you’ve taken on too much and you’re burned/burning out. And it might be worth a little introspection to try and prioritize what’s important to you, then trim expenses and activities if there are any that can be cut.
When I see myself headed towards burn out, that’s what’s worked for me. Granted, this is still a lot of work and can take a bit of time and effort to get to a better place in life.
Sometimes there are low hanging fruit you can tackle. For example, some nights we just have cereal for dinner. Not the most nutritious thing, but easy to fix, easy to clean up (relatively speaking). Maybe it only amounts to 15 less minutes of work that night, but 15 less minutes of work goes a long way when you’re exhausted. Also, the kids are taught to help out with basic stuff like putting away toys, making beds, and even feeding the pets.
Another low hanging fruit is simply learning to say no (to yourself and others). If you’re the type that’s overwhelmed because you can’t help but take on more or you just can’t find yourself being content and enjoying the moment, then you’ve gotta put the work in there, realize you can’t keep it going or that it’s simply not worth it. Easy to say, I know.
A bit of an anecdote: A buddy of mine ended up having a health scare and basically cut back at work to the point where he qualified for various forms of government assistance. I know he wasn’t exactly proud of it, but it kept food on the table and a roof over his and the kids’ heads, and gave him the time and space to focus on his health and be more present for the kids.
dohpaz42@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Look, you need to find some way to get some you time. Start small. Only you can figure out what that means. But you’re absolutely right that it’s unrelenting, and it won’t stop. Talk to someone (a friend or a therapist). Don’t let it stay bottled up.
Good luck!
worhui@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
[deleted]whimsy@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
It’s okay if you don’t want to answer but I wanted to ask what makes you stay married to your wife if she’s abusive?
chunes@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
You have to start being more of a fuckup so people don’t rely on you so much.
Really helps to not make any dependents as well
morphballganon@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Simpler meals. Skimp on cleaning when necessary.
swordgeek@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
I’m 56, and I don’t have any answers.
Any upward momentum at work stopped for me. I’m slowly descending into alcoholism and sloth. The more I do to maintain the household, the less that everyone else does.
There’s a reason that financially comfortable, socially stable, middle-aged men have a ridiculously high suicide rate.
The worst part - the VERY worst part - is that even after I retire, I don’t see any improvement. I’m going to be slaving away at an attempt to maintain a modest life until the day I die.
quick_snail@feddit.nl 2 weeks ago
Condoms.
crimsonpoodle@pawb.social 2 weeks ago
It is implicitly classist and unhelpful to chastise someone for kids they ready have.
quick_snail@feddit.nl 2 weeks ago
How is it classist?
And it can be very helpful. I regent not otesding this harder on my cousing before he had is second kid. Then his third…
RBWells@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
It’s hard for everyone. 60 hours of work week sounds like you need a new job. That’s not something that can be sustained over the long haul and I don’t think it leaves you time for an affair or drinking habit. In terms of practical changes: Transition your kid to 9pm bedtime, get help with the cooking and hire someone to clean each week if you have to work that much and can’t do anything about it for now.
My husband has a busy season - during this time I do more of the household stuff because he is working 9-9 six days a week. I have a busy season too - during this time I don’t try to cook every day, husband helps out more.
But all year we get help with cleaning, every other week.
rumba@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
thought: Find something strenuous or stimulating for the youngest to do an hour before bedtime, could even be learning. Sometimes the right amount of exercise before bed wears them out enough to stay sleeping.
thought 2: noise maker, ocean sounds or rain playing in the room can keep them from popping out of light sleep when they hear sounds from the rest of the home.
Wife and I split AM/PM duties. I do 6am and drive the eldest to school, then come back and prep the youngest before I go to work. but my youngest is order than yours, that mercifully tends to improve with age.
It’s better if the house duties are shared as well, but some people have different situations. If your partner is able but won’t meet you in the middle, there’s counseling. What often bites you in the butt is if your partner is depressed. Depressed people fail to engage; it becomes almost contagious as you try to pick up the slack and fall to it yourself.
Finding a better job with less hours can be part of it. Sometimes you need to look outside your familiar area for work that pays better, that’s assuming you can afford to move or find a job willing to pay you to relocate. There’s also more WFH jobs out there than ever before.
zod000@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
Even with a 40 hour work week, this can be how it ends up. With a 60 hour work week, I’m surprised you can even fit in the cleaning. It’s rough. I don’t many recommendations anyone else hasn’t already mentioned (try to work less hours, which may not be possible). I think you need to, somehow, try to fit in a small window of time that is just for you. Even if it means giving up a small amount of sleep. I had to do this to retain some sanity. I found that trying to prep my meals in batches saved me some time as well. I used to work 40 hours a week on paper, but there was also an hour unpaid lunch and 2-3 hours of daily commute, so I was gone from home 12 hours a day. I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and the only thing I can say that as the kids get older it gets easier. When they can feed, dress, and entertain themselves, it makes it much easier. Also once they eat adult meals so you aren’t making several different things at once. Hang in there man.
affenlehrer@feddit.org 2 weeks ago
I feel the same and when I read your post I heard the lyrics of “The Message” of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five in my head… “It’s like a jungle sometimes It makes me wonder how I keep from going under”
eightpix@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
For anyone who hasn’t listened to ALL of the lyrics from that song, go. Do it.
SunshineJogger@feddit.org 2 weeks ago
60 hour work week?
Everything to me already feels unrelenting in a 40 hour work week.
What kind of country forces you into a 60 hour work week. Is that even legal?
Glifted@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Man, I landed a really good job I like where everyone is super chill and my work week is only 38 hours and I still feel it to some extent. Granted I feel way better than I did working crazy hours but I still feel exhausted
lechekaflan@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
How do middle aged family men handle it?
Simple living. That work should be treated only as a means to live, rather than allowing work to consume the individual.
PissingIntoTheWind@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I didn’t really realize I was middle aged until I hit 39. It’s been a blur for years. I’m finally making enough to possibly own a home soon. We’ll see how my work holds up in this economy. But honestly. I don’t even think about it. Just be you and take it one day at a time. Stop looking for tomorrow when it’s today.
ptolemai@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Alcohol and gaming (when i cant sleep) for me.
zxqwas@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Well 60 hours work week is tough and having children to take care of is going to be even harder. You’ll manage a while but not forever.
Find another job that lets you get away with 40 hours would be my first suggestion. Moving somewhere where pay to living cost ratio is better would also be an option.
Calabast@lemmy.ml 2 weeks ago
I’m a 41 year old dad with a 1 y/o and a 3 y/o, with a partner who has a busy schedule. My advice is (surprise!) the same as everyone else’s, trying to work a 60 hours work week and do that other stuff isn’t sustainable. Maybe if you had a stay-at-home partner who took care of childcare and household chores, I could see you making it work (but then you wouldn’t really be involved in your family’s life at all which I would consider a deal breaker).
I’m tired all the time, but it’s at least possible. If I was working 60 hours a week? No way.
And while I have no interest in an affair or divorce, I probably should drink less wine in the evenings while making dinner and doing chores :-/
Toasted_Breakfast@lemmy.today 2 weeks ago
Not really. Me and wife’s family situation is rough given the state of our parents. Heck our marriage itself has been pushed really hard by all this. Kind of revealed allot of selfishness on her part which almost broke our marriage but we are doing better… For now.
Just one more month 🤢
QuarterSwede@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
The secret is actually enjoying who you’re with during the day. If you don’t like that then, well there’s your problem.
I have 3 kids and my parents are ageing enough and I’m the only male heir that I’m now taking on the role of head of the family more and more. I also manage a branch at work so I have a lot of responsibility there too. It’s fun once you give in and start enjoying what you’re doing. As with most things mindset is everything.
AA5B@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
Just keep On, keeping on. One day at a time. Anything for the kids. Then catch up on sleep 20 years later.
My youngest is now at college so I can finally just chill. But I’m “lucky”, he’s been calling me a lot since no one else answers after midnight. Struggling to get up for work reminds me of the good old days of getting up for diaper changes
1985MustangCobra@lemmy.ca 2 weeks ago
just be like me and get kicked out from your ex, and rot for the rest of your life in a chair.
SlartyBartFast@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Mostly just the knowledge that someday, someday I will be able to rest
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I’ve been there and back, and I am currently there again.
exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 weeks ago
I handle it just fine now, but I did lay some groundwork before kids to make sure my life was going to continue to be easy even with the added responsibility of parenting:
There were tradeoffs, to be sure. We were older than average when we had kids, and that might translate into lower energy levels for each stage of childhood, and may eventually mean that we get to enjoy less overlapping time as adults. We live in a small place so we do need to basically leave the house regularly so that our kids don’t get bored, and that’s more of a challenge in the winter when outdoor spaces aren’t all that pleasant. During COVID, while working 100% remotely, being close to the office wasn’t all that much of a perk.
And we got lucky on other things. Our children are healthy and (mostly) well behaved, so we don’t have to worry as much about a lot of things other parents have to deal with. We also really get along with our own parents, so there aren’t challenging dynamics with the grandparents/in laws.
Echolynx@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
Hey, can I message you with some questions re going to law school as an older student?