Why do people especially men care if someone forgives a cheating partner

Submitted ⁨⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨IloveyouMF@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

So I cheated on my boyfriend due to among other things struggles with drug addiction and mental health but i am passed that and he has forgiven me and in turn I have done so much for him and we have a great relationship

when he posted we were back together on his social media he had tons of people come out of the woodwork to tell him not to take me bac and I was a worthless woman that deserved no rights

But why ? It can’t be genine concern for him because these guys hadn’t talked to him in years and weren’t there for him when he posted about my infidelity previously

He also had a few girls come out of the wood work which you would think would be an attempt to date him but it ca’t be that agian they had like 6 months we were broken up they could have done it then

Yo usupport anythign between 2 consenting adults. Why is it rong to forgive the one you love ?

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MolochAlter@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago

when he posted we were back together on his social media he had tons of people come out of the woodwork to tell him not to take me bac and I was a worthless woman that deserved no rights

See here’s the thing: a person who is able to rationalise something morally unjustifiable once, will be able to do it again.

By cheating you showed everyone you have no real spine to speak of, you can rationalise it all you like (that’s part of the problem) but the reality is that when you had the choice to break up and pursue the other person or not and cheat, you managed to talk yourself into accepting betraying the supposedly most important person in your life.

Moreover, there is absolutely no way for you to ever prove you won’t do it again until you die, and even then some people will still be skeptical even if you never do it again, and they’d be correct to be.

You may have grown a sense of respect for other people’s trusts, or you may have gotten better at cheating, or your boyfriend may have settled for a serial cheater and decided to turn the other way.

Either way they are trying to spare him from this AND to prevent society at large from accepting cheaters back into relationships because nobody, not even cheaters like you, wants cheating to be done to them, and making it something you can come back from makes it more likely.

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SayJess@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Just leave this poor guy alone. You cheated. Move on, grow as a person, and don’t disrespect someone’s trust like that again. He’ll never fully be able to trust you again. You are getting the same responses every time you post about this shit. If you are looking for absolution, you’ll likely not find it here.

Perhaps Ashley Madison has a lemmy instance where you can discuss this with fellow cheaters.

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cyngi@midwest.social ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Past experience. Past knowledge. The more often than not correct belief that people don’t really change. If the norm is that a cheater is always a cheater, and you see a friend who was hurt by a cheater get bac with them, it is only natural to warn that friend.

Simple as that really. I wish you luck getting through it, but if you truly feel there is no chance of a repeat performance and your bf believes you, why care about well intentioned warnings?

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- IloveyouMF@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  the issue with that norm is it contradits anohter norm
  
  that most cheaters are never given a second chance, so most cheating victims don’t know if once a cheater always a cheater is true they never find out
  
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  - MolochAlter@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    
    that most cheaters are never given a second chance
    
    Source on that, also even then, the ones who are prove the statistic to be quite reliable. See here for the effects on both the cheater and the victim.
    
    Considering the effects on the victim (suspicion even on non-cheating partners for years) you actually don’t deserve a second chance, even if you were on the straight and narrow for the rest of your life.
    
    It’d be like you intentionally smashed his kneecap then stayed with him out of guilt to help him walk.
    
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  - cyngi@midwest.social ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Where do you get that statistic? You were given a second chance. Tons of people who commit infidelity get second chances for various reasons. The problem is it is a very personal betrayal that pushes a lot of people emotionally. This has nothing to do with men specifically, only that they don’t want to see him hurt. You don’t either, right? So you are really on the same side.
    
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  - FuglyDuck@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Studies clearly show that a person who has cheated once is 3-10 times more likely to cheat again. It depends on the study, but the most generous 3x in the next five years.
    
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  - Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    That’s not a norm. That’s an ideal you intend to live up to.
    
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  - Tylerdurdon@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    That’s not a norm I’ve ever heard. More often than not, there is forgiveness because of the emotional attachment. Things work for a while, then it happens again. This keeps happening and deteriorating the trust until finally the relationship has mutated into an unrecognizable shadow of it’s former beauty.
    
    Many people have experienced this, thus the given advice. I’ve learned that providing that kind of advice can damage the relationship with your friend (because of said emotional attachment), so I don’t bother. It’s something people have to learn on their own.
    
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- IloveyouMF@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  right but the norm is already changing on so many other issues why is this an exception ?
  
  Now it’s the norm for women to work, couples to not have kids, women to not change their last names.
  
  We are not in a traditional relationship. I do onlyfans for one, I pay him a portion of that to live in his house that he owns. Traditionally a dwelling like this would be co owned by both people int he relationship or at least he would let his woman stay there for free but I am consistent and I know it’s not fair for me to demand tradition compliance out of him but be progressive personally because it benefits him
  
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  - MolochAlter@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    
    right but the norm is already changing on so many other issues why is this an exception ?
    
    Cause this change is actively immoral and harmful and people don’t want it, duh.
    
    Things change because people want them to change. They don’t want this to change because they don’t want to enable potential cheaters in their lives, because as something becomes less socially stigmatised the less of a barrier there is to actually doing it.
    
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  - cyngi@midwest.social ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    You seem deeply affected by them caring now and not before. Are you worried they will convince him? If not then they will eventually see it worked itself out and stop caring. If not, well they aren’t involved in your relationship so what do they matter? Not everybody will like you, it’s wasted energy to try and make that the goal.
    
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FuglyDuck@lemmy.world ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
So, as someone who’s been cheated on… I can say with certainty that I would never be able to be intimate or vulnerable with my ex. I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about actual intimacy. It takes trust, and that trust has been broken.

I wouldn’t give an absolute “don’t do it” because everyone is different and every relationship is unique, and I certainly wouldn’t chime in without being asked, but I doubt very much the relationship you have now will ever be what you had before.

It doesn’t really matter what you do, or how you’ve changed. The thoughts will still be there, insidiously causing doubt.

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mycatscool@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yeah, can’t believe all his friends don’t want him to get back with a cheating drug addict.

People are capable of change, sure, but after showing a pattern of behaviour where you show getting off with someone other than your partner is more important to you than the respect you have for your partner and maintaining that relationship, why should anyone involved trust or care about what you have to say on the matter?

And from all your responses here, it seems like you are really trying to justify cheating and are giving excuses to treating your partner like shit.

Take some responsibility, own your mistakes, and try to be a better person, not get angry at people for what YOU did to YOUR partner.

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- IloveyouMF@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I am not a drug user anymore
  
  Second I am a great girlfriend and I would argue better then the majority of girlfriends.
  
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  - Nibodhika@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    No, you’re not, you cheated that’s the most fundamental thing not to do, that’s like saying “I’m a great cook, I would argue better than the majority of cooks, I only put rat poison in my food once!”, would you eat in the same restaurant where a cook intentionally put rat poison in your food once already?
    
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  - mycatscool@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Okay, good for you…
    
    But just because you gave up drugs doesn’t change what you did. We all own our mistakes for the rest of our lives.
    
    People don’t owe you trust or respect if you break those things. Maybe you can build those things up again with the other people in his life but that takes time.
    
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Melvin_Ferd@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Why does anyone need to accept it.

I can’t understand the thinking where you think other people should accept it. Cheating can lead to very serious traumas with lasting effects. Many of us have lost friends. Friends who have killed themselves after being cheated on.

People can change. But most cheaters will cheat again. Cheating is a selfish behavior and people who cheat in my experience are incapable of changing their ways. It’s a line that crossing it in the first place says so much.

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0x01@lemmy.ml ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Nobody cares.

Your past posts tell a very clear story, I recall the post you deleted, the language and ideas you present are frankly pretty messed up.

You’re misattributing people’s response to your actions as general philosophies.

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- IloveyouMF@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  what did I say in that post ? I have never deleted a post it was liekly taken down by mods I migth still have it on my profile or remmeber more about it so describe the post ad I will clear up any misunderstanding
  
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cannedtuna@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Because once a cheater, always a cheater.

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- DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Nah I don’t like this line of thinking. Reminds me of “Once a Criminal, Always a Criminal”. Not very progressive in my opinion.
  
  That being said, OP has been constantly putting “so I cheated” in every post, seems like agendaposting/trolling.
  
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mienshao@lemm.ee ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Unless they paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind.

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NutinButNet@hilariouschaos.com ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Because most cheaters will repeat the behavior again. At least, that’s the way it appears. I don’t have statistics to back that up, but this is what a lot of people believe.

And they may not necessarily be wrong because most things you do, you’ll do again, especially something as heinous as cheating, which is a betrayal of someone you supposedly have a lot of love and care for yet can go behind their back and do things with someone else that was meant only for that person who’s special to you. Many cheaters have an attitude of “who cares? It wasn’t that big of a deal.” which minimizes the act and seems like a way to justify it if it happens again or gets close to that point.

I wouldn’t put cheating on the same level as murder, but I think it’s more similar to abuse and may be classified as a type of emotional abuse on some level. It’s really harmful and damaging and can be traumatic. I’ve dated some women who were cheated on and it changed their lives so much and made them very insecure and somewhat broken for future relationships. My last ex was a mess from her spouse cheating on her and leaving her and it greatly affected our relationship and how she interacted with me and eventually led to our downfall.

People care about the person who was cheated on and don’t want them to be hurt again. They know the hardship that person endured and the pain they felt and don’t want them to experience more pain if that happens again, which seems likely to many people. And like abuse, if a friend told me their partner was abusing them, I’d feel very concerned especially if they have decided to get back together with this person after going through that. And I and many others feel very similarly about cheating.

And in the case of relationships, it is super easy to overlook someone’s bad qualities and even evil deeds because of how you feel about them. I, to this day, struggle with reminding myself of the evil things some of my exes did to me that caused us to break apart and instead have “rose tinted glasses” and want them back despite the hell they put me through. Good friends remind you of the reality of that person and that relationship and do so because they care.

That’s not to say that cheating should never be forgiven and you should always be branded as a cheater and never experience real love and you can never fully stop cheating. Nor to say that your boyfriend is wrong and you will most definitely cheat again. No, not saying that in the slightest.

Just saying, that’s where most people come from and I hesitate to say that they’re wrong up to a certain point.

If I were a friend of your boyfriend’s, I’d likely be in that camp too, telling him that I feel he’s making a bad decision to continue in the relationship with you for the cheating alone, just on that basis. But there does come a time where as a friend, you should back off and let someone make their own choices for their own life, you’ve given them everything you hope is truth and will benefit their life, and you earnestly hope and pray that you’re proven wrong and the decision they’ve made ends up working well for them. Thankfully cheating isn’t life ending, so no worries there, but a broken heart can last years and is really damaging and sad. No one wants to see their friend get hurt again if they really care about them.

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Buffalox@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

Why is it rong to forgive the one you love ?

Whoever you were unfaithful with hadn’t promised your boyfriend anything, so definitely it’s irrational to blame him.
If you had agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, you broke that agreement, and for most people that’s a very serious thing.
I do not however buy into your claim that this issue is something men care about more than woman. On the contrary women are generally the ones complaining about unfaithful men, to a degree one would think that is much more common. When statistics clearly indicate that since there are more men than women, chances are that on average, women are more frequently unfaithful than men.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeonhole_principle

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null_dot@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Whether to forgive a cheating partner is a divisive issue. Some people say it’s something they could never move past, others just don’t think it’s a big deal.

I don’t think it’s necessarily men or women - its both. Probably more men commented on your boyfriend’s post because he’s a man.

I can imagine it would be a pretty awful feeling to be in your position - you’ve acknowledged that you messed up, you’ve worked through it with your partner, and now all these people casting judgement on you without understanding the circumstances.

There’s a lot of different aspects to this. The web is full of “drama llamas”. My guilty pleasure is reading /r/aitah posts, even though I know they’re fake it’s still really engaging and reading everyone’s comments is interesting. People say things online that they would just never say to your face. So comments are way more hurtful.

My advice has two parts:

ask your boyfriend to delete the post because the people commenting don’t really know you or the situation and it’s very hurtful

Secondly think through what you would tell a good friend who had been through something like this, it’s probably something like "yeah you did mess up, but everyone does sooner or later, you’ve learned a lot and you’ve worked through it, " et cetera.

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neidu3@sh.itjust.works ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Any chance that this is a matter of sample size? As in, he has more guys in Facebook than girls. At least the ones who know him well enough to ask this rather personal question.

I have no answer for you, but I don’t see why this would be a gendered thing.

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- Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨11⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  No, it’s pretty much an everyone thing. Sure, you’ll find some people sympathetic to your case, but for the most part, it’s an “unforgivable sin”.
  
  No matter what they say, all you can do is either prove them all wrong, or prove them all right.
  
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dohpaz42@lemmy.world ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
If it were me, I could not rise above and forgive. But that’s me, and how I feel has zero bearing on you and your boyfriend’s relationship. I also wish you both the very best and a long and happy relationship. 💙

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