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Comment on grindr dump (in post body)

peoplebeproblems@midwest.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

You guys actually get matches?

Goddamn. Here I am in straight world with exactly one match in an entire year that wasn’t a bot.

Fuck it the apps are scams anyway

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andros_rex@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
If you download Grindr, you too can have an inbox full of poorly lit bathroom dick pics and people asking you if you know where they can get hard drugs!

It’s less a “dating” app, and more a way for “straight” men in denial of their sexuality to find dl fun.

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- boonhet@sopuli.xyz ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Almost makes me wish I was gay. Getting some strange would be easier at least lol
  
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  - Kolanaki@pawb.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    There are women on the app too. And don’t forget the femboys. ;)
    
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- Knock_Knock_Lemmy_In@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Are people on grindr mostly normal or mostly freaky?
  
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  - andros_rex@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    A mix. You will get bombarded with the poor quality photos and “u party?” (Code for meth). But I’ve enjoyed some late night conversations about everything from anime to French philosophy, and met some nice men to have a good time with. Even have made some friends (and a few would self identify as “freaks”). You’ll meet everyone from closeted self hated conservative businessmen to van living hippies.
    
    It’s a very direct space. When someone asks “what are you looking for?” you don’t have to beat around the bush. If they aren’t interested, they’ll block and move on.
    
    The app is absolutely garbage though. The ads are some of the most obtrusive and obnoxious ads any mobile app has ever had.
    
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shalafi@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Sounds like you need to work on your profile and set of pics. Many years ago I logged into PoF as a woman and was stunned at how bad the other guy’s profiles were.

Write something humorous, make your post amusing, doesn’t have to be LOL funny

Don’t list anything you find unacceptable, too negative

Don’t list anything you have to have in a partner, too demanding

Post a wide variety of pics, get a couple of your very best, but get some day-to-day pics in there, looks more honest that way

Also post pics where you’re in action, engaged in an activity you like

NO: Guns, dead animals, motorcycles, trucks or other vehicles you wish to show off

No pics that include other women, no matter who they are. I’d try to leave male friends out as well.

Don’t talk about being lonely, wanting to share your life with someone, nothing emotional, sounds needy, that comes later

No need to come with your life story, they’re reading your profile to see if you’re an interesting person today, not where you came from

Do what I did and sign in as the opposite sex (sorry, been assuming you’re a man looking for a woman), read their dumb profiles, don’t do those things

Once you get it down, splatter that profile across several websites. You catch more fish with multiple hooks in the water.

One final note, when you get matches, chat very briefly, ask for the date. Women out there are seriously frustrated with guys that seem to only want to talk, talk, talk. Get that date set before someone bolder asks her out!

Sorry for making so many assumptions. If this doesn’t help you, maybe someone else can get use out of it. For context, I was 50-53 and pulling so many dates the neighbors were making fun of me over all the women in and out of here. Also, I’m short and scrawny, non-rich and my vehicles are 20+ years old. :)
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- Kolanaki@pawb.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Some of these are definitely up to your own personal preference.
  
  Plenty of MAGA chicks on Tinder in my area that, themselves, have pics of their guns, dead animals and trucks. I’m sure they’d love all the country bros that do the same.
  
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  - shalafi@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I’m in the Deep South. Saw exactly one MAGA post.
    
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  - blarghly@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Also, the market is a bit saturated with MAGA bros. Certainly there are women looking for them, but the gender ratio has a skew
    
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- Trainguyrom@reddthat.com ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  
  NO: Guns, dead animals, motorcycles, trucks or other vehicles you wish to show off
  
  Dang it so no train pics I take it?
  
  No pics that include other women, no matter who they are. I’d try to leave male friends out as well.
  
  See I’ve heard the opposite advise. A non-cover photo of you with some friends including non-male friends if you have any indicates you’re not a loner and might have some idea of how to talk to other humans
  
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  - shalafi@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Other people in your pics brings up to many assumptions about who’s who, what your relationships are, all that mess.
    
    The thing is to avoid pics that beg the question. Does that make sense?
    
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- peoplebeproblems@midwest.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Huh. Well. I guess I’m doing everything right then.
  
  Maybe the photos need a lot of work. That will be challenging.
  
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  - shalafi@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Get lots of pics! Can’t ever tell which ones will work out!
    
    If none are working out? Take a long hard look in the mirror. What can you fix or improve? I’ve rarely met another human that couldn’t do something to be more attractive. Do that thing for yourself, not some anonymous stranger.
    
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    peoplebeproblems@midwest.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Honestly? There is one thing that I’m struggling with, and I don’t know if I can intentionally change it. My stim is plucking my beard hairs. So it makes it virtually impossible to grow facial hair anymore.
    
    Meaning I have to be clean shaven, which isnt hard itself, but it can quickly go haywire.
    
    It won’t fix the rest of my appearance. More clothing varieties maybe.
    
    I could bulk up even more. but it would have to be a lot of muscle, and based on what I have currently achieved that might be another year.
    
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- blarghly@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  @peoplebeproblems@midwest.social
  
  Awesome list. Big fan of no negativity or being demanding or needy. Also a big fan of using dgaf humor in your bio. Also a big, big fan of asking girls out quick.
  
  A few things I disagree on:
  
  Motorcycles are hot. If you ride, get a cool pic of yourself riding. Like, a pic of you cornering on the track or blasting up a dirt hill (depending on bike type). But yes, don’t just take a pic of your bike like owning a bike is your whole personality.
  
  Imo, pics with other people in them are great. I don’t like far-away group shots, since it is hard to pick you out unless you are obnoxiously front and center. But a pic of you with one or two friends is a good pic for showing your social circle and how you look socially. After all, having friends is a green flag.
  
  If you are specifically seeking casual sex or non-monogamy, having other women in your profile can also be a good thing. Sure, a woman seeking a monogamous relationship may be turned off - but on the other hand, having female friends is a green flag for not being a creep. And if a girl wants to fuck, she wants to fuck a guy who fucks, since he’s more likely to fuck her good.
  
  But I feel like the big thing I disagree with in your comment is the thing that I find I disagree with in most men’s dating advice I find in left-leaning spaces. It’s all “don’t”, “don’t”, “don’t”, and “no”, “no”, “no”. And all of the things you are warning against are good warnings - but the overall impression is one of disempowerment - here is a bunch of things not to do. Okay, well what should you do? And the answer (as you noted) is to get good pictures.
  
  And I feel like the real thing I want to add to your conment is emphasis.
  
  GET GOOD PICTURES.
  
  Pics are 97% of how you succeed on dating apps. Bio is 3%. Your bio, at best, is probably neutral (though as you noted, it is a great way to shoot yourself in the foot). Picspicspicspicspics!!!
  
  In order to get good pics, first of all, be good looking. You don’t have to be a Calvin Klein model, but be the best looking version of you that you can be. Hit the gym, eat vegetables, get enough sleep, get a good haircut, buy some stylish clothes, take care of your skin, and express who you are and who you want to become in the way you present yourself.
  
  At this point in my rant, I feel like I need to take a moment to address the “just be yourself” crowd, who may come in and say that changing the way you dress or your diet in order to attract women is somehow fake or inauthentic. And my response is that “being yourself” is shit advice if you currently aren’t getting any matches. Don’t be yourself - become the person you want to become. Because the person you want to become is not only literally what you want, but they are also almost certainly a dashing fucking bastard. And beyond that - “be yourself?” Okay, fine, I will be myself - and myself wants to match with some hotties! Why is that an illegitimate desire? Why is everything else “who I really am”, while my desire for emotional and physical companionship is somehow inauthentic? Seriously, this attitude is just thinly veiled sexual puritanism. Fuck that nonsense!
  
  Another side note: yes, you should lose weight and hit the gym or something. Around this time, someone claiming to be female will typically chime in with some comment about how “guys with big muscles are gross” - which is just such an obvious attempt at gaslighting. Like, go ask Arnold if he ever had any trouble with the ladies. Yes, some women dislike big muscles. Yes, if you keep getting huge (like, taking steroids huge), then you will eventually hit a point where fewer women like you than when you were smaller. Yes, long before you get to that point, you will find diminishing returns to hitting the gym more versus working on literally any other aspect of your life. And yes, women have diverse preferences on body type - some like bodybuilders, some like swimmers, some like ultrarunners, and some like big burly guys with potbellies. But it is a very rare woman who looks at an overweight, pear-shaped gamer body and says “ugh, hawt”. If you exercise regularly and eat vegetables at nearly every meal already, then good job, we are all very proud of you. But if you don’t, you need to get started on that shit yesterday. Humans are animals, and animals want to mate with other animals that are physically healthy, so be healthy
  
  /rant
  
  Anyway, go spend 2 months buying clothes and getting a haircut and improving your sleep hygiene and starting a (reasonable and sustainable) diet and exercise routine. Then go out and start getting some pictures.
  
  Yes, you will almost certainly have to go out with the explicit intention of getting pictures for dating apps. Most attractive women have been practicing looking good in photos since they were 11. They’ve been practicing how to put on makeup so it hides their flaws in shots. They’ve been figuring out how to angle their heads and adjust their jaws to hide their double chin. They’ve been working on getting the framing just right so you can see enough cleavage to be enticing, but not so much that it’s slutty. Every time they go out to a bar, or on a hike, or to a party, or to a pottery class, they ask their friend to get a photo of themselves looking cute, doing the thing. Meanwhile, as a guy, you have not been doing that, so your best photo is a slightly blurry shot of you in a bar where your smile didn’t look awkward for the first time in your life. Why do so many guys have fish pics on dating apps? My theory is that it is because these are the only pictures they have of themselves. So don’t be a fish pic guy! Grab a bro (or a tripod) and go out and shoot some photos of yourself. Ideally, use a good dslr camera so you can control the f-stop and get a good bokeh - but high-end smartphone cameras and post-hoc photo editing can get mostly the same effect these days.
  
  Your goals with these photos is:
  
  Look good. Literally, if you do nothing but get a bunch of shots of you doing fuck all in different poses, locations, and outfits while looking handsome, you will be head and shoulders above most guys. Body language, facial expression, lighting, and composition all matter. Make your photos look good!! (Important side note - make sure you have at least one clear photo of your face, and one clear photo of your body).
  
  Be interesting. The school photo style shot can be “good enough”, but it is ultimately boring and looks fake. The easiest way to make a photo interesting is to be doing something where it looks like a candid shot. This could be as simple as just walking down the street or drinking a cup of coffee. But your pictures are more interesting if you are doing something that is (get this!) interesting! So shots of you doing cool shit are what we want - pics of you doing a sport or hobby, pics of you doing a cool job, pics of you holding a cute dog, pics of you travelling to a cool place.
  
  Tell a story. Since bio does basically fuckall, we want to tell the story of who you are through your photos. What makes you awesome? What will dating you look like? What are your attractive features? Get some shots of yourself looking focused and serious, and some shots where you look fun and playful. Show off your normal, chill side, your exuberant side, your sexy side, your stoic side. Use your photos to paint a picture of who you are, what you want, and what you can bring to the table.
  
  Once you have done all that, if you still aren’t getting matches, or aren’t satisfied with the quantity or quality of the matches you’re getting, there are a few things to do.
  
  Remember: location, location, location. The smaller the population around you, the faster your well of potential matches runs dry. If you live in a smaller town or city, there comes a point where you are better off just leaving the house and meeting girls the old fashioned way. If you are really serious - move.
  
  Iterate. Improve fitness and style, and then take even more pics, replacing one pic at a time in your profile with a more attractive one.
  
  Iterate more. Improve your lifestyle. Try new hobbies. Expand your horizons. Then get pics of you doing these new, even cooler things.
  
  Make yourself real. The problem is that catfishing is a problem on dating apps, so many women are nervous to match with a guy who looks like he might be faking it - and with your awesome profile, you might look “too good to be true”. So build up your IG by posting regularly, and link your IG to your profile. Then a girl who is interested in you can see that you are actually a cool guy who does cool things regularly and has a thriving social life with lots of friends in his pics and liking his posts. This is pretty easy if you just do one cool thing per month and then post some pics from that thing. After a year, you’ll have a sufficiently full IG to link to the apps, and it’ll only get better from there.
  
  Of course, at this point it is easier to actually be a cool guy who does cool things with friends all the time, at which point the women have won - they have successfully seduced you into having a life worth living instead of being a neckbeard who never leaves the house. Damn feminazis, ruining our awesome male lives /s
  
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  - peoplebeproblems@midwest.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Well, at least I lost the weight and built muscle. I have better clothes. I could do with maybe 15lbs lower. I could use more nice outfits.
    
    I don’t exactly have a strong social network, nor anyone who is actually there taking photos when Im out cause that just doesn’t happen I guess.
    
    But there is something there that caught my attention. “Too good to be true.”
    
    I’m wondering if that might be part of the problem? Someone looks up how much my career makes, they’re going to find it’s a lot. 6’? Blue eyes, not fat? Sounds super smart?
    
    Idk. I’m hoping it’s just the shit pictures.
    
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    blarghly@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
    It is almost certainly the shit pictures. If you are in “too good to be true” territory, you will be getting matches, but women will be asking you things like “are you real?” and “are you a model?”
    
    As I said, grab a bro or a tripod. A friend is better - but said friend should almost certainly also be a single male friend with a strong focus on improving their dating profile. No one else will be as dedicated. Professional photogs can also be helpful, but for anything beyond “school photo” shots, you will really be racking up the bills. Shooting good photos takes a lot of time and effort, so your friend and photographer will need to show up again and again and again in order for you to build a good profile. Ime, it takes about 2-3h on average to get one photo, including finding a location, setting up equipment, figuring out a good pose, working with lighting, etc. Then you should shoot somewhere between 500 and 1000 shots - iterating, messing around with lighting and posing, etc. And then, typically, only 1 in 3-5 photos you spend the time shooting is actually good enough to include in your profile. So if you and your bro go out 5 days per week and shoot for 5 hours each day (2.5h for each of you), you should expect to generate one good photo for the apps each week.
    
    Or you could use a tripod and remote shutter. The downside here is that you have no one to push you out the door to actually do the work, no one to give another opinion on how the shots look or what to try, you have to line up all your shots yourself and iterate time and again with delayed feedback, and there is no one around to take the edge off the fact that you are posing in front of a camera alone in public which is incredibly awkward. But the upside is that your tripod won’t complain about waking up at 4:30 am so you can shoot for 2 hours during the golden hour.
    
    Other possibilties: you are shooting yourself in the foot with your bio; you live in a metro of less than 1mil (or SF); your misanthropy and social isolation are etched into your face and posture, and this comes through in the pics you currently have
    
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- dreadbeef@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  damn thats a lot of effort lol
  
  will stick with never ysing daying apps ever again in my life, already settled on dying alone in a cabin with a dog because the app life juice is not worth the squeeze
  
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Kolanaki@pawb.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Grindr doesn’t have matching. You just see a profile you like and message them directly.

That’s probably why it actually works.

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- blarghly@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  That’s how Hinge works also. The reason Grindr works is that men are more likely to be down to fuck in the Wendy’s bathroom with a stranger.
  
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raptorattacks@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
Grindr doesn’t really have a “match” system. You can send a message to anyone whose profile you can see (unless/until they block you). Think of it less like a traditional dating app and more like an interactive billboard of horny people in your area.

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- BackgrndNoize@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  Why isn’t there a straight version of that lol
  
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  - raptorattacks@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Multiple answers to that question:
    
    There are women on Grindr - in my experience, mostly trans women or m/f couples looking for a third. So men can find straight sex on Grindr, but it’s rare. Women are definitely a scant minority of the users.
    
    There are plenty of “straight” men on Grindr. You’d have to ask them why - I usually block them.
    
    The reason why dating apps marketed towards straight people don’t allow this kind of messaging (and the reason there aren’t more women on Grindr) is because women, generally speaking, won’t put up with the same kind of shit that gay men will. A straight dating app where men could send horny messages and dick pics to every woman they saw wouldn’t have any women using it.
    
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    BanMe@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    The world lost untold weirdness when Craigslist took down their personals section, cause that’s where my down dirty girlfriends were getting the dick back in the day. You could go on and have your pick of dozens of guys in an hour. Generally they were real guys. Most were awful but they found some diamonds in the rough.
    
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    Kolanaki@pawb.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Or it would have the horniest, sluttiest women in the world 🤷‍♂️
    
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toynbee@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
I met my wife on IRC. Try that!

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- peoplebeproblems@midwest.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  IRC? Like a specific one or just a random one from the early 2000s
  
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  - toynbee@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I met someone in the official XKCD channel. That person referenced a private server. Later I went to a LAN party where another attendee happened to be on that same private server. I figured that had to be significant and joined the server myself. Some months later, a fluke caused my face to be displayed on a webcam feed I had linked there. My now-wife saw it and proclaimed me cute.
    
    Really that was all it took, but she’s never since done anything that caused me to regret falling for her.
    
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    blarghly@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    I gotta say, this does not seem like a replicable strategy.
    
    I think “be open to meeting women where ever you go” is good advice. But I kinda doubt OP is gonna have great success meeting someone specifically by joining an IRC
    
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