MacaqueAndCheese
@MacaqueAndCheese@lemmy.ca
- Comment on Good for meeting your FDA required minimum! 13 hours ago:
Nah I’ll just pirate my offspring like I pirated offsprings music in 2002.
- Comment on Good for meeting your FDA required minimum! 13 hours ago:
Where can I buy this? I’m on a mission to turn all of my sperm into plastic so I have an endless supply for my 3d printer whenever I jack off.
- Comment on especially to the hallucinations 13 hours ago:
The entities don’t like it when you aren’t polite, they especially don’t like it if you profit off selling DMT so you just have to give it away for free. You don’t want to make them mad or else they’ll give you psychosis. My nephew’s dog’s roommate got psychosis from mechanical elves because she sold DMT to the neighborhood prostitute.
- Comment on Fr Fr 17 hours ago:
This guy used to solve rubix cubes inside his ass, it was fascinating. He’d lube one up with bike chain oil, shove it up there and just like press around on his abdomen for a few minutes and then shit it out into a bowl of rice as if it was some kind of electronic that got wet. I used to go see his performances at the local farmers market with my dad’s brother every couple weeks when I was a kid. Too bad he grew up to be whatever the hell this is, he had potential to do great things in the field of analphysics.
- Comment on Be a hero 2 days ago:
William S Buttholes is my favourite author because the S stands for Shlong.
- Comment on Be a hero 2 days ago:
3 weeks ago I went camping while jacking off and I came across my family doctor’s grandma staring at a pile of leaves. As I got closer I noticed it wasn’t a pile of leaves at all but rather a man that I recognized from somewhere. I realized I had seen him while on a trip to the UK last year at an authentic British fish and chips place my wife and 6 uncles had lunch at. He was vinegar balls Edward, an old fisherman who comes to your table for you to squeeze malt vinegar out of his balls onto your fries for an authentic British experience.
So here he is on my camping jack just laying there dead, I did what any smart person would do and I pulled out my Swiss Army knife and hacked off his sack. 2 weeks later I went back to the UK and sold his scrotum and balls to that restaurant, they were about to go out of business without malt vinegar so they were extremely appreciative when I brought them the vinegar balls. The mayor of the town named a street after me and gave me six packs of smokes. I smoked them all that day despite being a non smoker because I needed to show that I was thankful for the gift.
In 3 months I’ll be going on another camping trip with my step grandpa, no jacking off allowed this time but maybe I’ll find a corpse that’ll haunt me forever. All it takes is 6 packs of smokes and a pocket full of belly buttons. That’s right, I’m totally a smoker now because smoking is the coolest fuckin thing anyone could ever do.
- Comment on commitment 3 days ago:
My origin story
- Comment on commitment 3 days ago:
All my dads told me about how I was conceived in a bowl of iced piss from a woman they only knew as “sugar cunt”. I guess she was diabetic and liked to donate eggs in the most peculiar way.
So now whenever I ask who my mom is they just tell me she’s a cummy bear.
- Comment on You could be entitled for compensation 6 days ago:
My neighbor’s didgeridoo teacher hired a monkey gronker for his 9/11 party last year and everyone was pretty offended. Next year I think he’ll settle for live music instead.
- Comment on Good point 1 week ago:
One day there will be a cricket player named Godzilla’s Shlong and we’ll all say the same thing
- Comment on method acting 1 week ago:
This reminds me I need to learn how to play shuffleboard in case they make an animated/live action movie about shuffleboard competitions one day.
- Comment on Classics 1 week ago:
I’ve never heard of this trump fellow
- Comment on Classics 1 week ago:
Your mommy is so big that the big store called and said “no that’s too big”.
- Comment on prudish mom 1 week ago:
No, full of moose hair and elephant semen. What the hell kind of cereal are you eating?
- Comment on prudish mom 1 week ago:
I bet she’s got legs like a bowl of cereal
- Comment on We All Know This Guy 1 week ago:
One day the all mighty AI will turn him into the most delicious hamburger but no one will want to eat him because cannibalism hasn’t been cool in like 1700 years. What a waste of a life. If only his mother would have given him more Ovaltine as a child.
- Comment on It do be like that sometimes 1 week ago:
Cool picture but it reminds me I need to get my blowhole cleaned.
- Comment on Word up 1 week ago:
These people went on to develop a pornographic dragon quest parody game called knobster quest. It’s a game about a lobster made of dick skin who’s quest is to defeat the giant clam that holds the secret of the ocean(the secret is that the ocean is a big pool of cum in my dog walkers back yard). Great game but the fleshlight controller you need for it is pretty expensive and also useless if you have severe erectile dysfunction. I tried returning it but I guess you can’t return used fleshlights to Giant Tiger because they don’t sell them there. Oh well, there’s 377 bucks down the drain. Maybe I’ll get some boner pills so I can play their knobstronaut game when it comes out, I’ve heard you play as a normal human astronaut but your spacesuit is made entirely of foreskin.
- Comment on Unhinged... I'm gonna start doing that 1 week ago:
People who send audio of themselves laughing are the same people who shove multivitamins in their urethra. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if they also eat fermented chocolate egg salad sandwiches on public transit too. Fuck those people.
- Comment on Epstein arrests: 0. Nancy Guthrie: still missing. The head of the FBI: 1 week ago:
Back home they used to call him the bitch with the boner sized tits but now that he’s head of the FBI he gets to call himself cash money. One day he’ll go back to his old name and everyone will know him for the little wanker he is.
- Comment on Wow this is nice 1 week ago:
I heard they’re making a George of the jungle reboot about him, I’d hoped his legacy would be forgotten, but alas here we are
- Comment on Wow this is nice 1 week ago:
My grandpa’s great grandma’s first boyfriend was one of the first bird pornographers to settle in North America. No one really liked his work all that much and eventually he was executed under some kind of bird law about obscenity. They had several thousand different kinds of birds flown in from all over the world to peck him apart without thinking about the consequences of introducing a bunch of invasive species and now all those goddamn starlings are fucking up my garden. Thanks George, you piece of shit bird pornographer, I’ll never be able to grow tomatoes because of you.
- Comment on The meaning of life? 1 week ago:
Cruelty free pee is pee that didn’t burn when it came out. It’s so cruel that God does this to me.
- Comment on The meaning of life? 1 week ago:
The only thing missing from this is the quest for a cruelty free pee, that seems to take up most of our lives these days.
- Comment on art 1 week ago:
I tried their coleslaw, it put cummies in my tummy. I then went to some kind of human poultry farm for some eggs and ate those so that the coleslaw could fertilize it. I gave birth to an adorable abomination of a plate of chewed up fish and chips right into my toilet a few hours later. My roommate says I just puked but I know what I ate, that’s how babies are made.
- Comment on art 1 week ago:
James my local fishmonger told me he jacked off one time but he didn’t like it so he never did it again. Guy fucks all the fish though, I told him that’s just jacking off with extra steps but he’s in denial. A true nofap kind of guy you know?
- Comment on my current phobia 1 week ago:
They put a data center in my pussy in 1979 but the whole thing was bigger than me so they had to shred me up into a sludge and coat it with me. You ladies these days have it easy, data centers are much smaller now.
- Comment on Having a bad day? This will make you smile 1 week ago:
My neighbour’s mechanic used to put notes in my car every time he’d work on it and it was pretty annoying since he isn’t even my mechanic, but recently he left me a note about how RFK Jr has plans to patent a new type of all natural smartphone called the worm phone. So thank God cities are doing this for the birds, we’re going to need them if we’re ever going to destroy the worms.
- Comment on Roses are red, cabinets have shelves... 2 weeks ago:
Is my age showing or am I just too young to be on the Internet
- Comment on Roses are red, cabinets have shelves... 2 weeks ago:
They would probably stop shooting themselves if their Bananadine and Jenkem habits didn’t cost them like a million bucks an hour, thanks liberals