I don't know how to deal with what to me is a thin skinned and gossip coworker.

Submitted ⁨⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨vestmoria@linux.community⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

She is a good coworker, meaning she knows her duties and has ample experience.

She is also a gossip and a person that will rant when somebody doesn’t greet her the way she believes she deserves to be greeted, or about how a coworker or manager wasn’t friendly to her. It’s both what she says and how she says it, like she was hurt.

I still don’t know if what she wants is that everyone stops doing their jobs when she enters the workplace to give her attention, because otherwise, apparently, people hate her. She is also very pretty. Not that I’d want a relationship with her, because this trait is very off putting.

I’ve already heard her saying I’m not friendly and I don’t know who should I react. I think it’s ridiculous to start giving her attention to keep the peace because I have things to do that pay my bills and it would be very draining, I cannot fake interest in things that bore me. I don’t understand why we can’t just do our jobs and go home.

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themeatbridge@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
She’s living rent free in your head. Be polite, professional, and kind. Treat her the way you would like her to treat you. Ignore the gossip, and do your job.

You don’t know what she’s going through, or why she acts the way she does, nor are you responsible for figuring her out. You are not her therapist, you are not her friend, you are her coworker. You can be friends with coworkers, but you don’t have to be.

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NeoNachtwaechter@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
“Thin skinned” seems the smallest of her problems.

She behaves very manipulative. You are not (mentally) strong enough to deal with that.

Keep your distance. Become independent of her in every way. Never justify yourself to her. Tell yourself that her judgement is absolutely irrelevant for you. It does not count.

If you can’t avoid to be at one of her ‘scenes’, you should avoid saying anything to her at all, and if needed, you can sometimes tell her to just stop it. But then don’t explain yourself - she knows what you mean anyway.

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JoMiran@lemmy.ml ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Ignore harder.

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- andyburke@fedia.io ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  This is the answer.
  
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NAK@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
The best thing you can do is treat her respectfully. Say hello when you pass and be courteous when you talk, but putting up the professional barrier to any kind of personal relationship likely is your best strategy.

Your coworkers also see these traits. They will see you treating this person with respect, but also not participating in her drama. That’s the mentality you should have to forming a winning workplace presence. People will see you treat her kindly, but also do not participate in the drama.

Everyone respects that person

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dustyData@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
“You’re not friendly!”

“Neither are you.”

“Well, that’s a rude thing to say!”

“It is, isn’t it? Anyway, see you later.”

Histrionic and narcissistic people hate it when you don’t play along to their manipulations. It’s very hurting for their ego. Plain “No”, and ignoring them as long as you can usually is the way to go. But, with some, it also runs the risk of triggering some manipulative attempts at drama. It takes a lot of mental fortitude to confront or being antagonistic with one of these persons, I recommend against it, there’s hardly a win state. The win is that they either consider you too boring or too difficult a mark, so that they leave you alone.

We don’t have to like everyone and not everyone has to like us. But in these scenarios blunt honesty and transparent politeness is usually enough to make them see that you’re just not going to play along in their little theater. The hard part and the actual trick is, never give in, never engage. If you give in, sometimes, and act boring and assertive other times it will signal that you are capable of falling into manipulation and will make you look like an attractive challenge to find and push your buttons. This might already have happened, since she seems to have gotten under your skin already.

It helps to have a lot of maturity, self-control, emotionally know yourself very well, and have a genuine thick skin yourself. This way they can’t use your emotions against you.

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Anticorp@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
SHUN!

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Deestan@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
You sound annoyed at her and the way she is greeting people. While it may not feel that way, this annoyance is not invisible to others. Especially to her.

If you appear annoyed and also respond with reluctant short answers - it is natural to interpret you as hostile if she’s not used to people who are very different from her.

Try talking to her - say you think she is a competent and friendly coworker. Say it might sound silly and weird but you find it hard and stressful to pull your head out of work to greet people, and say you hope she will understand you mean no ill if you sometimes grunt and nod.

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- vestmoria@linux.community ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  while I find her annoying, I don’t believe I show it: I greet with a simple hi and proceed to do my job. I don’t look angry or exasperated at her, if you mean that. I don’t leave the coffee room when we do our pause and she enters the room. I simply don’t engage with her, but answer her questions politely.
  
  Try talking to her - say you think she is a competent and friendly coworker. Say it might sound silly and weird but you find it hard and stressful to pull your head out of work to greet people, and say you hope she will understand you mean no ill if you sometimes grunt and nod.
  
  Have you ever done this with a coworker? I don’t understand why I have to give validation to somebody who is, simply, a coworker, not a friend. I’m not a therapist.
  
  I wouldn’t even know how to approach it. I would find it creepy.
  
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  - Deestan@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Yes, I have resolved workplace awkwards like this on a few occasions. Sometimes it doesn’t work. Some humility in considering your social skills might be lacking goes a long way in many (not all!) cases.
    
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Cowlitz@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Keep at arms length. Her unhappiness isn’t your problem and you can’t fix it anyway. Someone who rants about how other people greet them will never be happy. They will always be unhappy if something doesn’t go exactly like they want. Not worth wasting energy trying to please them. Everyone will know how she is from her rants.

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Mothra@mander.xyz ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
That’s the kind of people that needs to be ignored, just “hmm, hmm” and nod and change topic. If she’s turning people against you then it’s a sign that the workplace environment isn’t as healthy as it should be.

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FelipeFelop@discuss.online ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I think this depends what country you are from. Generally, most countries it’s the normal thing to be pleasant and show an interest in people. It actually helps you as well because being insular ultimately ends in loneliness.

But no one should pressurise you into doing something you don’t want.

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- dustyData@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Never let anyone pressurize you, unless you’re on a plane.
  
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ZombieTheZombieCat@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

I’ve already heard her saying I’m not friendly and I don’t know who should I react.

I don’t understand why we can’t just do our jobs and go home.

Self aggrandizing people being gossipy and passive aggressive…sounds like grad school.

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xpinchx@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Have you ever talked to her about it? Are you a supervisor or any sort even if she’s not a direct report?

This is minor, but if it bothers you and distracts you from your work I’d say address it as feedback - “Hey, I’m usually pretty busy when you come in. You seemed upset that I don’t get a chance to stop and properly greet you, but I’m focused on work at that time, let’s catch up on a break/lunch”

I used to let so many of these little things go because it wasn’t worth it but little things add up and can make the workplace miserable. I’ve found people are pretty understanding and I started being more assertive about distractions and my work life has improved a lot. I’m ADHD and getting derailed kills my productivity. People eating at their desks, approaching me the moment they need something, asking questions when the answers are available on SharePoint, etc.

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los_chill@programming.dev ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
A firm “no shit talking” policy goes a long way in the workplace. Being kind and polite and letting it all roll off of you is the best way. This sounds like a trap. I wouldn’t take the bait. And let anyone else who wants to dish know that you don’t engage in slandering coworkers.

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L3s@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Heyo! Please reformat your title to follow rule #1

Thanks

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frankPodmore@slrpnk.net ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Lots of bigger workplaces actually have some sort of private organisation you can basically vent to and ask advice from, so that might be a good idea place to start. The whole point of these is that they’re totally anonymous, so you basically cannot get any blowback from talking to them.

You can also speak to your boss if you have a good relationship with them. Just explain as neutrally as possible that you’re finding it a little difficult to work with this particular co-worker. You don’t need to ask them to do anything specific, just be honest that it’s difficult. They might be able to either bring it up with your co-worker (keeping you anonymous, of course), that other people are finding their behaviour offputting, or just arrange it so that you don’t have to work together.

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