how can I develop a thick skin?

Submitted ⁨⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨lompedtfre@feddit.de⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

today was supposed to be my first day of therapy and the therapist didn’t show up. I’m pissed off. I wasted 2 hours for nothing.

I’ve sent her a polite message, asking if she’s sick and hoping she is well, but in reality I wanted to yell at her. However, if I yell at her, chances are she won’t treat me.

Before you suggest to find another therapist, finding a shrink where I live is very difficult and the other ones I contacted have either ignored me or are overbooked. I need therapy and it bothers me to be so dependent on one person.

For those of you who have experienced something similar, how doesn’t it bother you?

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qooqie@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
In this situation you need to remember life happens. She is a human with a complex life too. Your immediate response to get this angry is slightly alarming and something you should bring up to her because you need to work on it.

Also don’t think of this as wasted therapy, you did do therapy just not in the way you think. You were put into a situation that heightened your emotions and you now need to control those emotions and face them. That’s therapy.

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- surewhynotlem@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  
  Your immediate response to get this angry is slightly alarming
  
  He should probably see a therapist
  
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- stoicferret@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Shit, therapy happened even when therapist wasn’t present. That will be 100$.
  
  Jokes aside, a great way to think about things, really.
  
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huginn@feddit.it ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
It’s not developing a thick skin, it’s developing compassion.

Never attribute to malice what can be reasonably explained by incompetence or stupidity. Similarly that which can be explained by happenstance.

Don’t be a doormat obviously but assume they had a reason and be as gracious as possible in excusing their faults.

If anything what you need is to be more emotionally available not less. Empathy serves you far better than rage.

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aeronmelon@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
If she gives you a reason and an apology, she’s a therapist worth seeing.

If she gives you an excuse or tries to pretend it didn’t happen, you can do much better.

Never settle for someone who is just tolerating you, especially for therapy.

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- astraeus@programming.dev ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  If she says anything at all about why she had to miss the appointment she’s offering more about her personal life than she needs to. As a patient, and especially the first time seeing someone, there is absolutely no reason to expect to know why they couldn’t make your appointment. They are not your contractor, and in reality they are not your friend. They provide a professional service and if they miss your appointment, immediately jumping to the conclusion they did it with any kind of intention against you is pretty hasty reasoning.
  
  Whatever the situation is, the therapist is a person too. They have their own life, their own issues, things that they are allowed to keep private. Don’t expect them to open about anything because a good therapist won’t.
  
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leraje@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
If she’s a good therapist she’ll be feeling awful she couldn’t make it. I’d wait to hear her out before making any judgement on either her no-show or her as a therapist/person. It’s highly unlikely to be a personal slight, whatever it is, and if it’s not personal then there’s no need to develop a thick skin.

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infinitevalence@discuss.online ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
It does bother me, but its also something I cannot control. I try to remind myself in situations like that, that I am only responsible for my own experience.

I cant control other people, but I can decide how I want to intemperate what has happened. I could choose to be mad, or hurt, or inconvenienced. Or, I can choose to pause, focus on my breathing, be mindful of myself and where I am putting my emotional energy.

Being angry, and hurt is easy start but actually requires lots of energy to maintain. I dont really want to spend all my time and energy on things that are now in the past and I cannot change, so I try to change what IS in my control, and if I can I try to support the people I depend on so they can be there when I need them.

it all sounds very woowoo and when your mad probably impossible, but like everything it requires practice. Start by stepping back, closing your eyes, breathing in and out slowly, then after like 15-30 seconds when you can engage your rational brain talk yourself through it. What could I have done differently, if it was not in my control then why am I choosing to intemperate it as malice or inconvenience? Can I or should I do anything different next time?

Do something like this any time your feeling this way and it will become a tool that you can start to depend on, and something you do control!

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- kjPhfeYsEkWyhoxaxjGgRfnj@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  I would only add to do this also when you are not feeling this way. In my experience it’s very hard to make this happen if I only try to roll it out when I’m already feeling mad. Doing some daily meditation for 10-15 minutes is the only way I’ve had any success being able to engage that when I really need it. Also it’s nice to be able to step back and recognize good emotions / reactions.
  
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mrcleanup@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Frustration is usually the difference between what we expected or wanted and what we got. Patience is learning to let go of what we expected and accept what is.

If you can stop seeing this as something wasted and start seeing it as just a different circumstance, it may help you get past your emotions and start focusing on what to do next.

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AnalogyAddict@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
There are many options between merely being polite and yelling. Maybe therapy can help you explore those.

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weeahnn@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

I wanted to yell at her

Was that the first thing that you thought of?

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- the_q@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Plenty of mental health issues present with anger as an initial response to perceived negative situations. Maybe that’s why op is seeking help.
  
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  - weeahnn@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    That is exactly why I’m asking. Years ago I had problems with anger. Luckily going to university helped with that. Don’t know how but it helped me.
    
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UnRelatedBurner@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
For ppl reading the comments.

I personally don’t believe that therapy works, maybe just a bit. And I’d like to know why/how it can actually help? side note: I was raised in an area where if you have a problem deal with it. And I can’t understand how does talking to someone WHO YOU PAY TO TALK TO YOU can help in any way. I’d expacially feel bad sharing secrets with a friend-for-hire.

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- amio@kbin.social ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  
  I personally don’t believe that therapy works
  
  You're wrong, then. It doesn't necessarily work drastically and for every single person in need of help. However, claiming it does not work period is just wrong.
  
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- pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  A good therapist knows how to understand you and your problems and can help you understand them and yourself better. They can help you unwind the mental effects of traumatic events. It’s a lot more than just you venting to them, they actively challenge your perceptions and help undo the mental knots you’ve tied yourself in. Or at least, that’s what I’ve gotten out of it with my therapist. It’s not sharing secrets with a friend for hire, it’s like calling a mechanic and having them listen to the car running to figure out what’s wrong with it. They’re on the phone so they can’t fix it, but they can work with you to figure out what’s wrong and how you can wither fix it yourslef or work around it. As for your side note, that’s really condescending and rude honestly.
  
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  - CarbonatedPastaSauce@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    “Mechanic on the phone” is a fantastic analogy. Therapists don’t fix you, they teach you skills to fix yourself. Gross oversimplification but that’s the gist of it.
    
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  - UnRelatedBurner@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    sounds very niche, but makes sense if your in that niche. Like if my leg hurts I go to the doctor, but if I’m unmotivated I go to a therapist.? But if I have something severe like a broken bone I also go to the doctor (well ER, but you get it), while if I have depression I go to a therapist. But it’s not like depression is easy to fix. Most of the time it’s not “my friends all have gfs while I don’t”, but more “My dad beats and yells at me”. How can talking solve that? Does it help with coping?
    
    I’m sorry if my comment is offensive, but I also have no idea what therapists do, so…
    
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- Coskii@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  It seems you have missed the point of being in therapy. They’re not a friend, they are a guide for you to use to better understand yourself. Therapy is meant to explore parts of yourself that you want to work on or that need to be addressed (such as self harm).
  
  Some people find it difficult to think about themselves and having someone to listen to those people’s explanation of their week might just shed some light for that person on why they feel a certain way about the things which happen around them.
  
  It’s also something that you must actually commit to. Going to therapy and either lying constantly or being very tight lipped about things because you feel like you are being teated/judged/analysed are not going to yield any real results compared to someone who is as open as they can possibly be about themselves.
  
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  - UnRelatedBurner@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    I might be missing the point, yeah. I don’t know anyone who might be struggling with depression thankfully. But in return I have no idea how ppl cure it. I heard stories about extreamly bad scenarios ppl are stuck in. And I honestly have no idea what to do in their boots. But it’s also not like talking can solve parental abuse and or drinking parents (the particular story I heard).
    
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- PP_BOY_@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Therapy works. The problem is that most therapists don’t.
  
  Most mental healthcare education does not train therapists for modern problems or solutions, which is compounded by the fact that most therapists cannot relate to the socioeconomic situations of the people who need it most. Finding a worthwhile therapist who can actually help with more than just basic anxiety is a needle-in-a-haystack and I’d wager a good 9/10 shrinks do not serve their patients properly.
  
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- Th4tGuyII@kbin.social ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Well the idea is that you're paying for someone who is both qualified in dealing with mental health issues, and is completely unattached to your life to provide a confidential, non-judgmemtal outsider perspective on your life.
  
  The people who know you almost certainly can't provide that level of support in your life, and many people need that space/perspective to help them recognise their issues, or push them towards the correct solution to resolving them.
  
  It's not everybody's cup of tea, it ain't mine, but for those it does work for, it works well
  
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- Nougat@kbin.social ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Damaging thought patterns are just a part of the problem for many people. Those thought patterns are part and parcel of the landscape of personal relationships you have in your life, and talking to someone outside of that paradigm can give you the opportunity to think differently.
  
  A decent therapist is going to come to the table with tools and skills to share, because they have training and experience. They're not (hopefully) just some random "other person." They'll also be better equipped to recognize the symptoms of specific clinical health conditions, and address those conditions accordingly, whether that means adjusting what kinds of coping skills they recommend to you, or referring you to a psychiatrist for appropriate medication to be used alongside therapy.
  
  I was raised in an area where if you have a problem: deal with it.
  
  "Deal with it." Okay, how? If you don't know how, and you get stuck in a feedback loop, a therapist can help you break out of that loop. Could you perhaps do that on your own? Maybe, and if you can, it may take longer and be much more difficult. There is no shame in getting guidance through the difficult parts of life from people who have expertise in providing such guidance.
  
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- PretentiousDouche@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Therapy works, as long as you go for an evidence-based practice. It’s not so much about talking solving your problems but it’s more the therapist giving you tools to help yourself tailored to your situation and brain. They give you an unbiased view to help you understand both the nature of the situations you find yourself in and your own reaction to it. They’re also explicitly not a friend, and serve a different purpose. I was also very skeptical for a long time, but when you find a therapist who you click with it can help straighten out your thoughts and give you a good perspective.
  
  I highly recommend looking into cognitive behavioral therapy. There are even workbooks that you can do on your own that teach you some of the skills, but talking to a real person about things specific to you can help a whole lot.
  
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- whhavinfun@sh.itjust.works ⁨9⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  You are free to think as you wish. But other people find it helpful non the less.
  
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