Submitted 9 months ago by trowaway4433@lemmy.world to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Dating is odd to me. I do not really know what my motivations are. If I actually find someone. What then? What will we do? How different will our relationship be from a regular friendship (besides you know what). And should it be? What I’m getting at is, have you ever thought to someone: “They don’t really want a relationship they just want a one particular friend with benefits.”
I don’t know if I’m rambling over here. But I’m really having difficulty digesting this one.
I think this is all personal preferences, but by default many times with an SO you usually are both building towards a common goal together to cement your future together. Again, I’m sure that’s not the case for everyone but I am just speaking generally.
With a “very good friend” that might not necessarily be the case - but these lines can all get very fuzzy depending on people’s outlooks, perspectives, wants etc.
I probably haven’t given you much clarity here but I also think many people have wrestled with at one point or another in the dating world.
For me: SO (and if they’re not the same: spouse) is more about becoming a team.
With a really good friend, unless you have something very special, you’ll probably not tether your lives together and commit to going through the rest of your days together.
There’s something that happens over time when you have that commitment that really bonds you (so I’ve found). I haven’t felt it with a friend, and the closest I’ve come to it otherwise is with family (though there’s even less commitment between family members, I’ve found).
It’s hard, but it’s also great.
This is an interesting question. My husband is my ONE. Wherever he is, that’s home. We are absolutely best friends & more. We share absolutely everything & neither of us ever have to worry about the other one waking up one day & deciding to move on without the other.
I realize I’m lucky. Not every relationship is anywhere close to that. I was married before & lived with others… And I thought the “one true love” stuff & long-term monogamy was complete BS until he & I got together.
But not everyone wants the kind of relationship we have & that’s fine too. I have plenty of independent & awesome friends who have great friends, great lives, great hobbies; they adventure, travel, are fulfilled, etc etc all without an SO. Others who are in great relationships but are much more prone to doing things separately, and that’s what works for them.
So maybe if you don’t have that drive to find that relationship, maybe it’s not for you or maybe you just haven’t met the right kind of person yet. Your SO relationship can ultimately be whatever you want it to be, provided you find a partner agreeable with it. Best wishes either way!
An SO will align their goals with you. A best friend may find another goal in life and go off on their own. A friend isn't tied to you, and you'd support them if they 'leave' you to seek their own fortune. A partner stays with you and you and they need to find ways to reach your goals together. There's a stability and security to a partner that you don't get, no matter how close your friend is.
My wife says she got to marry her best friend, and I say that I get to bang my best friend whenever we want.
In my eyes that distingueshes a “normal” friendship and a life partner is the planning for the future and being a team. You make big life decisions (moving house, career changes, medical decisions) together thinking of the best outcomes for both as a team. You could be a life partner with a non romantic totally platonic friend, but that’s usually not the case you see represented.
Many romantic relationships evolve more or less into this over time also.
I'm wondering if you might find these a helpful starting point:
Well, I guess it feels more like, all I have to offer is friendship with intimacy. But not that I don’t want to. What I mean to say is: Is not being (or not knowing how to be) a romantic type the same a someone who is aromantic?
You might be aromantic, or it might just be that you haven’t met a person or had the time with a person to develop romantic feelings.
I don't think I can answer that for you unfortunately, it's something for you to investigate with yourself, and at some point possibly with a potential partner too. There are also aro/ace communities around (sadly the ones on the fediverse seem pretty dead) where you can talk your feelings through with people who are going through a similar experience.
Either way, having friendship and intimacy to offer is a lot, and enough, don't let any social constructs make you feel otherwise.
At the end of the day "relationship" is a pretty wide concept and it includes friendships as well as sexual and other partnerships, and no two are alike (despite what we've generally been socialised to believe - either completely platonic or the hetero-romantic boy meets girl, they date, fall in love, move in together, get married, have kids). What's important is that you find relationships that work for you (and the other person/people involved of course), and the only way to make sure of that is to communicate as openly and honestly as you can with yourself and each other (so for example what you define as a "friendship with intimacy" might qualify as a romantic relationship to some but not to others).
Also - aromanticism, like other orientations, is a spectrum, so you might be greyromantic or demiromantic, which probably only confuses things more (I know it did for me, and so I've never really taken the time to figure out exactly where I fit on the aro/ace spectrums beyond knowing I'm on them), but just know that there are options for you to "try on" and see which fits most comfortably (if any!).
It’s very exclusive and more intimate physically and emotionally than a good friend. That’s my interpretation anyway.
besides you know what). And should it be?
We’re adults here. You can say the word sex on the internet, and yes.
To me, it seems like you may not be the type of person that feels like they need intimacy. If you want it, however, then that should be ok too. That is a major difference (for many) in people who are in relationships, and people who are just good friends. It’s not the sole defining characteristic, no, but a big one none-the-less.
…they just want a one particular friend with benefits
Why can’t it be both though? I think there’s nothing wrong with that, in my mind. I suppose a big consideration would be if you live together or not, or want to/plan to.
We’re adults here.
You sure about that?
Well, maybe not.
#¯_(ツ)_/¯
Your end goal is falling in love
You’ll know when that happens
First goal is finding friends. This sounds like a joke but I’m serious don’t force a relationship. Meet people, get friends. If you align, you align. If not, you’ve made a friend. If not, you’ve learned what you don’t like or learned what others don’t like.
Make friends. Make a best friend. Then if a relationship blooms, at least it wasn’t forced. You met and found out what you liked before hand.
My wife is different than my friends because we literally live together. All decisions are made with the both of us in mind. As a result, we know each other better than just about anyone else, and that level of emotional intimacy is tough to find anywhere else. Don’t get me wrong, I have a few very good friends as well, but I don’t talk about the same things with them as I do my wife.
Having an honest to God companion to share the ups and downs in life is amazing. The ups are sublime, the downs help us both be more introspective and end up bettering ourselves.
What do you mean besides you know what, sex is by far the most important thing I want from a partner … Better make sure you find someone who thinks like you lol
I don’t think of relationship types as distinct categories. I view relationships as a many-dimensional spectrum. All relationships fall somewhere on this spectrum. Some are sexual, some have romance, some have shared hobbies, some have admiration etc.
allow me to sum up interpersonal relationships between all 8 billion people in one sentence:
you can’t
but, in a nutshell… physical attraction is usually important, so is romance… usually a commitment to this person in terms of time and future plans where they become more like family (and maybe eventually actually family if you have kids)
there’s such a crazy spectrum of the ways in which people could get along and consider themselves “in a relationship”.
every rule or tendency is constantly broken, it escapes definition.
in general, it begins with attraction and flirting, or it’s cemented as a friendship…
and, poetically, i’d say it’s a relationship when they start to see themselves as an entity, and of course others will see them like that too… a sort of hive-mind develops…
sorta like when celebrity couples get a combo nickname…
Obviously relationships are messy and complicated and varied, but generally the big difference is a commitment to a future together. For example, committed partners might pool finances, or have a kid together - the sort of things that you plan on working together on the rest of your life.
Can’t answer the title question from personal experience unfortunately, but I can say, only you can figure out what your end goal is. Relationships are different with every person. So if you find someone you enjoy their company, you don’t need to know beforehand what you want to do with them. It’s okay to figure it out as you go.
I feel the same way. I still don’t really get the difference. To me it just seems like a really close friendship where you officially agree to spend tons of time together.
Yes! This!
This has been my feeling too.
This may not be the direction you feel like taking things, but, my mindset settled on polyamory. I love that I can let friendships and relationships grow and blossom without any artificial limitations.
I do hope you find what you’re looking for
Definitely varies for people, and there is actually a book coming out soon called “The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center” that you might find an interesting read.
For me, my fiancée is my best friend. Sure we’ve both had best friends before, but the connection was instant and way more intense than with anyone else for both of us. What makes our relationship different than a friendship is that we want to build a life together, we’re a team, we’re each eachother’s top priority, and, yes like most relationships there’s a physical aspect to it, amongst other things. The phrase ‘she’s my person’ really encompasses what it feels like, personally anyway.
If somethings right, you’ll feel it. When you find someone that sparks a connection beyond just friends, you’ll know. And if that never happens, don’t be too hard on yourself and start thinking there’s something wrong with you. Being neurodivergent and on the asexual / aromantic spectrum can make these questions harder, if they apply. Just do what feels right and don’t over think it too much. Easier said than done, I know
Do you want a relationship, even if it means you’re only friends? Does sex have to be involved to make it a relationship?
You’re on to something here.
Can a relationship even be considered a relationship if it is just friends? If it can, please explain how that works. I’m not pulling your leg here, I really want to know.
Also, is sex a confirmation of a relationship or just an added bonus?
I know I just answered your questions with questions. But that’s why I’m here on no stupid questions.
Similarly, what counts as a date?
If I get a bottle of wine, make dinner with and get cozy on the couch with my best friend… is that a date? Or are we just hanging out? What if we kiss?
I feel like it comes down to intent, and if that intent is shared and understood. Which is why communication is so important in any relationship.
I tend to take my friendships as seriously as my romantic relationships, because, often there is no tangible difference.
I’ve had so’s that were asexual, I’ve had friends I fucked but never “dated”. I’m still friends with most of my ex’s. Sex is sex but the relationship depends on how you define it between the two of you. A label is a label, what matters is that both people feel comfortable with the dynamic and are on the same page as far as what the relationship actually is.
Love comes in a myriad of forms and can evolve overtime, so often living in that grey area. Getting bogged down in trying to label and define what something is or isn’t will just make you rigid when reality comes and you’re in that grey area.
A poster above responded with something about building into a common future which also helps differentiate but can’t really be used as a hard line. I’m actively working into a common future with my best friend and partner but I’m only dating one of them. Devotion, trust, respect, vulnerablity, consistency, and common morals/boundaries seem to be the things I look for when i’m looking at someone I’m considering to be a partner.
There’s no actual definition. People often have all sorts of unconventional relationships/friendships. You have have sexless marriages, friends with benefits, etc.
Typically in general, most people are most comfortable when relationship moves towards having sex it often becomes exclusive relationship (in general, for most people). Some relationships might become exclusive and dating for a long time without sex. Some marriages even are platonic and maybe one or both have sex outside the marriage.
You can have a relationship without sex, it kind of depends on what either person is looking for, but a non-sexual dating relationship is probably a bit rarer nowadays. Me personally, I have a high libido, if I’m dating somebody, I’m hoping it leads to sex at some point.
A sexual, dating relationship can be a sort of temporary phase of the relationship that usually transitions into something else. It starts off running hot, but it can either burn out (end) or things kind of die down and become like a candle (monotonous), or somehow they build the flame up into a campfire, or even a raging sexual inferno. It just kind of depends on the couple.
If you’re wondering this, you might be aromantic. I’m not saying you are, it just strikes me as similar to a conversation I’ve had with an aro/ace friend.
If you already know, please ignore me, but if not, maybe check it out and see if hearing about aromantic experiences can help.
WeeSheep@lemmy.world 9 months ago
A good friend (platonic relationship) is someone I can see every day, talk to about anything, and I want them in my life regularly. I personally cannot spend 100% all my time with someone who is just a good friend.
A romantic relationship is a good friend who I can live with and want to share a blanket and cuddle with at the end of the day. It’s someone I might want to hold hands with, kiss, or sleep with. It’s someone I want to come home to at the end of a good day to share good news, or end of a bad day to make it better.
A sexual relationship is someone I want to kiss and have sex with.
There are overlap. Romantic friends and friends with benefits are pretty common terms. Having a romantic relationship with sexual interest often ends up in bad relationships; I’ve heard this described as “feels like it should work” or “I loved them but I didn’t like them.”
Dran_Arcana@lemmy.world 9 months ago
And ideally, when you find someone that is in all three circles for longer than a honeymoon (or refractory) period, that’s the one you marry!
WeeSheep@lemmy.world 9 months ago
Very true! Although honeymoon phase/stage can last quite a while, individuals depending.