Comment on Papa I'm scared

A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

• tyler@programming.dev ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  I think one sentence makes it hit less hard. It’s more surprising with two sentences, and the “sly eyes” and the paragraph break help with it.

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• Trimatrix@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Failed too efficient. Technically a one sentence horror story now. DQd until revised.

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  • match@pawb.social ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

    “and then a ghost popped out!!!”

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• Gullible@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  It needs the pause for processing. In a story, yours is preferable. In extreme short form online storytelling, it needs to completely set the stage for the majority of the literary diaspora in those communities to be able to digest it.

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• Paradachshund@lemmy.today ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  I think you’ve improved it a lot, but it loses a little punch with a single sentence in my opinion. I would do:

  “You are what you eat,” the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio. He gazed toward the elementary school.

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  • Zozano@aussie.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

    IMO, the second sentence feels like it’s cut off because I’m expecting an adjective at least, like:

    He gazed toward the elementary school with a glint in his eye.

    Or,

    He gazed towards the elementary school and muttered ‘I wouldn’t hurt them’, as his nose began to grow.

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• Jarix@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Not better

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  • chatokun@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

    ♪OK then I’m a legal aid, Erin Brockovich is my name♪

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• Brainsploosh@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  “You are what you eat” the Blue Fairy’s wisdom echoed, as Pinocchios gaze turned towards the elementary school.

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• Uli@sopuli.xyz ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Vonnegut is my favorite, the one I model my own writing style after. Galopagos is my jam.

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