Finding people who vibe with you is so hard

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨tfowinder@sh.itjust.works⁩ to ⁨showerthoughts@lemmy.world⁩

So I moved back to my city after 7 years where my family lives.

It’s been 2 years but I never really enjoyed people here. Mostly people I met were from my previous circles, family, school friends and their partners.

I always thought something was off and maybe over time I will figure things out but it was just not happening.

Yesterday I went to dinner with my partners friends and damn it was whole different vibe. As if it’s a different culture. I really enjoyed talking and was genuinely interested in next meeting.

Resparked my joy in meeting people and I guess I was with wrong people and there are people who are out there who vibe match with me but it’s so hard to find them.

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AmbitiousProcess@piefed.social ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
There’s a reason so many people who suffer from chronic loneliness are told to first join some kind of socially-integrated hobby, activity, or group: Doing something you already enjoy, in the company of other people who enjoy the same thing, is likely to bring you people you are more likely to vibe with.

One of the best possible ways to start actually finding people you enjoy being around is to go to activities that involve people with a similar set of interests to you. For example, if I go to my local hackerspaces/makerspaces, I’m going to find a fuck ton of people who are interested in the same technology as me, and that means I’m probably gonna find people that have similar interests overall.

The main problem is that with the major reduction in third places, and with things becoming more and more costly to do, (e.g. my nearest makerspace costs over $100/mo to be a part of) it’s hard to actually get into those social circles where you can meet people that you’ll actually like being around.

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- TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  just because people like the same shit that you do doesn’t mean they want to be your friend or you will have any deeper connection than them than the superficial interests involved.
  
  what people are lacking is deep relationships. like emotional connections. not just enjoying being nerdy together.
  
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  - Krauerking@lemy.lol ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    
    i don’t know about you but talking about shit i have bought
    
    I am more than what I purchase.
    
    A statement hard felt these days.
    
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- Eq0@literature.cafe ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Absolutely! I just moved to a city that significantly sponsors third places, there are so many clubs and activities for free or almost (archery club fee at 45€/year, dojos go between 45€/semester to 100€, swimming pool at 2€/hour, film festivals for under 10€, knitting club and language club are free, additional discounts come with social security benefits). It makes such a difference! Meeting people becomes seamless when costs are not a constraint. It has been so much easier to build a social net.
  
  Previously I was in a big business city. Everything costs so much, it was hard to justify. Free activities were few and far between. After years there, all my social contacts were through my work.
  
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- kambusha@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I remember reading somewhere that you should combine this (doing an activity) with wearing something that signals another interest. The idea is that you’ll potentially find people where you already have 2 common interests. For example, going to this hackerspace with a concert t-shirt for one of your favourite bands.
  
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Chezus9247@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
This so much. My depressed ass with social anxiety is getting more and more lonely everyday.

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DaMummy@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
It’s only when you start to learn to be happy alone, is when other people want to be around you.

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- TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  No, it’s when you tell other people what they want to hear, they want to be around you.
  
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LucidNightmare@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I think the larger problem is that a huge portion of our planets current inhabitants don’t know how to have a conversation. I’ve tried so hard to have actual conversations to go deeper than “the weather/work/kids/etc.” It seems almost impossible to find someone who can not only think for themselves, but also think of something to CONTRIBUTE to the conversation.

It always goes like this (where I am from):

Me - (sees a few tattoos on their person) “I see you have some tattoos! Do they hold any special meaning to you, or did you just think they’d look good/cool? :)”

Them - “I just thought they were cool.”

Literally it. In the same position, even from someone who doesn’t like talking either, I would ask if the person asking about my tattoos has any. It’s really as simple as that for most people, or could be, I should say.

I stopped putting so much time into trying to open doors for actual conversation a few years ago when I realized people just don’t know how to talk to actual humans any more. It’s fucking weird.

*I understand some people have issues with social activities, and no harm done. This is a very common thing though, and I just don’t believe 90% of people who I have interacted with are those types of people, if you know what I mean?

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- TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  this made me laugh. That’s precisely what I deal with all the time. Everyone is weirdly superficial and the second you try to go any deeper they freak the fuck out. Apparently everyone is operating on a level of immediacy and impulsiveness that I can’t comprehend.
  
  I used to go on dates in the 2000s and 2010s and have cool conversations and feel like I was getting to know the person on a deeper level… that basically disappeared about 8 years ago. Every date I had from 2018 onwards was just endless shallow bullshit or the other person complaining about politics or money. Zero substance, zero curiousity, zero depth.
  
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  - LucidNightmare@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    YES. Exactly!
    
    “Oh, what a WEIRDO for wanting to know about my insert obviously favorite thing / something they enjoy here!!!”
    
    I’ve complimented peoples nails, their tattoos, their outfit/shoes, their accessory or any number of things you can think of that a normal person would consider a nice thing to be asked about, and even then some people just say thanks and then we sit there in silence when the door was wide open to say something, elaborate why the enjoy so and so, or ask something themselves.
    
    That’s just the iceberg of course, I could rant and rave about the myriad of ways people are just so rude and/or self centered these days! It’s maddening, truly.
    
    In a somewhat funny outcome, while I was reading into ways to become a better conversationalist (because I wanted to be better at it, since I never seemed to make friends very well LOL) everyone else was studying the book of “Isolationism, and You, the Main Character”.
    
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- trashcroissant@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Omg try going to sapphic spaces. So much of the time the first few questions go far deeper than you’d even had time to ever think about before.
  
  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind, it’s just such a different experience to be at a bar and get random questions about what/when the last time you experienced joy or what you hope to achieve in life.
  
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1984@lemmy.today ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
I also think its super hard to find them. Most people are nice but you dont feel a true connection.

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gustofwind@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Yeah it’s hard to stay motivated when you keep on meeting just acquaintances

I guess it’s like a good doctor or therapist you gotta just keep on trying and hope you find one among all the rest…

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SGGeorwell@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Try a revolution of the mind. Instead of looking for people who vibe with you, try to identify people with whom you can vibe. Instead of trying to get people to like you, allow yourself to like someone else. Then give that person a small compliment about the thing you like about them. “I like this guy’s jokes.” They will understand that you’re a fan, and you will have a mew friend.

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- DaMummy@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Don’t get your hopes up on the Mew part though. And if you try to recreate one in lab and call it MewTwo, it will end in disaster.
  
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Acamon@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Meeting other people’s friends groups (as you described meeting your partner’s friends) is a great way to shortcut that awkwardness. Its not just that someone else has done the hard work of filtering folks out, but that people are just on better form when with friends. Part of the problem of making friends in random social events is most people are either a bit awkward or putting on a social ‘mask’, which makes it harder to actually identify the people you’d like once you got past that.

My wife social circle has a bunch of people who entered as someone’s partner for a whole, but stayed friends with us after they broke up (even if there was a delicate period post-split where we hung out with them both, but never together).

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SendMePhotos@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
You have to keep searching. If you don’t try, you won’t get it.

Shit is awkward sometimes but great. You’re right, finding people who are that right amount is difficult. Find them.

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- TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Yes, but also sometimes the more you try the worse it gets.
  
  If I don’t try to date, for example, I won’t get a partner. OK, but I also won’t have drinks thrown in my face, be screamed at, and be harassed by stalkers. All of which I have had to deal with in dating and was all so intensely negative I’m not sure the potential positive is worth it.
  
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  - SendMePhotos@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    My best advice for finding a partner is to first find a best friend that evolves into a partner.
    
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MissJinx@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Totally get you. I was 100% born in the wrong place and only understood whats normal after I moved.

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idunnololz@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Unfortunately I found that to meet new people you need to make an effort… Sometimes a lot of effort. But it is rewarding. I was in the same boat. Moved back to the city I grew up in, 3 years passed, no new friends. So I made an effort to go to different events and meet people in real life. It has helped a bunch. Sure I’m not going to get along with everyone but you only need to get along with at least one person and you’ll be good. If you get along with more then that’s just a bonus at that point.

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FlashMobOfOne@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
Yeah, and even among your people there may be some measure of discomfort.

I really miss how friendships and socializing used to be before social media.

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- bridgeenjoyer@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  People get distracted so easily now.
  
  Honestly every gathering should have people leave their phones in a locker at the door. Guarantee it’ll be more fun.
  
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  - TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    I actually don’t bring my phone when I leave the house.
    
    It blows people’s minds and they immediately start lecturing me how stupid, rude and irresponsible it is.
    
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- TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  Yeah, I agree it’s really social media shit.
  
  I had no problems socializing 10-20 years ago. Now it’s incredibly difficult because people don’t really want to socialize anymore so much as be validated incessantly. It’s warped people’s brains to think any minor discomfort is this horrible thing, and anyone who disagrees with you is a raging asshole.
  
  In my college days I used to like being around people who disagreed with me and talking about those disagreements. That is how I made most of my friends Now that is all but impossible. The second you disagree now, no matter how trivial, people demonize you and start saying crazy over the top conclusions about how evil and awful you are.
  
  Literally, I’ve had many of my dates the past few years scream at me what a racist piece of shit I am for the books I read, and also for the books I don’t read. Mostly because I read classics and to people’s mind anyone author born before 1970 is a racist piece of shit or something. I do not understand how people have normalized this insanity.
  
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  - FlashMobOfOne@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    It’s true.
    
    I’m lucky to have a lot of friends via the roller derby community, but I’m a white man in a largely liberal and activist community, so my mantra whenever any controversial topic comes up is: “I don’t feel it’s my place to speak on that” or “I don’t know enough to have an opinion on that”. (Which in a lot of cases is probably true.)
    
    Those friends end up being surface-level in a lot of ways because I love the sport and can’t risk accidentally saying something that offends someone and risk losing my access to it, because if you say the wrong thing, malice is always assumed and there’s simply no grace given for error.
    
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TommyJohnsFishSpot@lemy.lol ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
???

Not a showerthought. Go vent somewhere else, dumbass.

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- felixwhynot@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  I believe OP could have this thought in the shower…
  
  U good though?
  
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  - AsoFiafia@lemmy.zip ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    I think they could use someone to vibe with, too.
    
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