Is it normal that I have this inner conflict of not knowing where I belong?

Submitted ⁨⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨searching_way@lemmy.world⁩ to ⁨nostupidquestions@lemmy.world⁩

Hey there, I was wondering if this is normal or if anyone can relate to this.

I 20/male was born in Germany and lived my whole life here but since I was a child I was fascinated with America, grew up consuming all the media from there and always wanted to live there.

I always had the feeling that I’m misplaced and don’t belong where I’m from. I was always searching for the place where I feel like I belong but never found it.

I always have this inner conflict of not knowing where I truly belong and what’s better for me/where I will be truly happy and feel more like “home”.

For example I always wanted to go to America cause I thought it was way better and more advanced than Germany especially when it comes to consumerism. The bigness, space, “freedom” and variety of places, stores, culture and nature was always appealing to me. And I also preferred the English language and the social interactions.

But then I’m conflicted if the culture is maybe dominantly shaped by consumerism and wonder if that is really good and truly makes me happy/gives me what I need. I wonder if it actually has stronger hustle culture and am unsure if that might take away from the connection with people and nature and might only make my deep void inside me bigger. Maybe it’s more artificial in the US and I might find more meaning/connection grounded in German society that might focus more on embracing an organic life connected to people and nature and less on individualism and materialism. But maybe it’s the exact opposite.

Never having lived in the US makes it very hard for me to know what the reality would be and what place would make me happier. Maybe anyone here has experience with both countries.

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jagged_circle@feddit.nl ⁨8⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
You’re exactly what the world needs

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Septimaeus@infosec.pub ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I would say it’s absolutely normal and quite common to feel out of place, or like you don’t belong, and what fills in the blank of what’s on the other side is mostly arbitrary.

What’s more, having grown up in many countries and hearing something like this from other young people, I would say it’s not just normal in Germany, or even the West. It’s normal everywhere.

I think the easiest way to gain a fuller perspective of cultures you’re curious about is to live among them, and while now might not be the best time to visit the US, I think you can gain exposure to lots of new global cultures just by spending time in one of the many world cities, the closest of which is Berlin. From there, many others are just a train away.

Long short, it’s normal to wonder where you fit, and it’s a question you must answer yourself, but the tried-and-true method to figuring it out is to go and find new parts of yourself in these places. You just might find that, by the end, not only can you belong anywhere you choose, but those places also belong to you.

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Libra@lemmy.ml ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
As someone who used to have a bad case of wanderlust for the same reasons, let me just say: the place where you belong is not a place out in the world that you find, it’s a place that you make inside of yourself from your satisfaction with your life, your connections to others, etc. What you seek can be found anywhere, but nowhere will make you happy until you do. Travel is a heck of an adventure and I have a lot of great stories from that time so I’m not saying don’t travel. Just don’t expect to find what you’re looking for wherever you go or you’ll never be satisfied with the experience in itself.

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- searching_way@lemmy.world ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  That makes a lot of sense and I already thought something like that is probably the truth. Thanks for this wisdom!
  
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  - Libra@lemmy.ml ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I’m happy to help, and I wish you the best!
    
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unemployedclaquer@sopuli.xyz ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
From the u.s. and I lived in Germany for a year. It was the trains and the castles and the history that had me wanting to stay. That stuff is probably boring to you. Your concerns about artificiality are valid. But I did not feel like Germany was massively different. I had more cultural shock from moving to a small town in West Virginia than Germany.

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- searching_way@lemmy.world ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  That’s a very interesting topic that you had bigger differences within the US. I wonder how great environments between the countries differ and what the different nuances are. I used to mostly dislike the old buildings and castles in Germany (or in Europe in general) and thought they were depressing. But I seem to have a deeper connection to that (maybe because I grew up in this environment) and my dreams are often in this European/Harry Potter-style environment. I guess my subconscious can’t quite envision an American environment cause I’ve never been in one.
  
  So in my dreams I’m often surrounded by a city with stone buildings and large walkable pedestrian areas that actually feel very warm and wholesome (even though it’s not quite the same irl). And sometimes it’s more rural places in large open spots with a bunch of people having fun (unfortunately that’s also not quite how life is really like, it’s more special in my dreams). But trains I find generally very depressing, never dreamed of them.
  
  I wonder what environments Americans dream of like maybe more like large roads or suburban type environments. Maybe more rural/warm nature type environments. (I guess it also heavily depends where you are from like city vs rural)
  
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  - iii@mander.xyz ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    
    It’s like I may have the longing for both America and Europe.
    
    Montréal :)
    
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  - treadful@lemmy.zip ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    
    I wonder what environments Americans dream of like maybe more like large roads or suburban type environments. Maybe more rural/warm nature type environments. (I guess it also heavily depends where you are from like city vs rural)
    
    Here I am, as an American, dreaming of smaller roads and walkable cities.
    
    Grass is always greener, maybe.
    
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daniskarma@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I don’t know of it’s normal but you are not alone.

I don’t fit good in my country’s culture.

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partial_accumen@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

Hey there, I was wondering if this is normal or if anyone can relate to this. I 20/male…

What you’re going through is pretty normal at your age (in western cultures) and manifests in a few different ways. Seeing yourself identify with another culture is one common way.

Ultimately what you’re going through is a search of, and identification of, who you are: Your identity.

You’re right at the beginning of a very interesting part of your life. You’ll try on ideas and beliefs like clothing, wearing them for awhile and just as quickly discarding them when they don’t feel right. Its a set of refining actions. You’ll swing to another extreme and then drop that one too. However, each time this happens the swings are less dramatic, and the direction you take are closer to who you decide you are. Most people spend a good chunk of their 20s doing this, and at the same time learning about the adult world, its many joys, and many frustrations.

So feel free to explore your thoughts. Decide what is right for you. Experience all kinds of things to give yourself enough material and life experience to make good judgments but don’t be afraid to make mistakes! Now is the time in your life where you’ll have the most power, but the most forgiveness. Learn, live, love, travel and experience other cultures, get your heart broken, perform a service for others, be greedy just once, and finally find your true self, your true form, but then I’ll likely be saying to you “Happy 31st birthday!”. Buckle up its a weird, wonderful, and wild ride you have in front of you for the next 10 or so years!

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MacNCheezus@lemmy.today ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
I was born and raised in Germany and used to feel similar. I’ve been living in the US for over a decade now, and somehow I still feel that way, so I’m starting to think it’s more of a me problem.

There are definitely advantages to living here, but also many drawbacks. The sense of freedom is definitely real, people here are generally far less judgemental than in Germany, unless perhaps you’re way out in the countryside. As long as you’re not going out of your way to piss people off, they’ll generally let you be as weird as you want.

The downside is that compared to Germany, life can feel pretty chaotic and unorganized at times. A lot of things you might take for granted over there simply don’t work the same way here. People are rarely on time and might cancel plans at the last minute for spurious reasons, and instead of being direct and upfront about what’s bothering them, they’ll be vague and indirect.

Also, food and rent are far more expensive than in Germany, and the quality is often worse, unless you’re willing to spend extra money. On the plus side, taxes are lower, and if you have a marketable skill set, you can definitely earn far more than you would in Germany (but you’ll be spending most of it in order to have a comparable lifestyle).

Overall, living here requires a lot of discipline and self-reliance. No one’s gonna tell you what to do, and there are fewer guardrails in place to keep you from going off the rails. It’s a high risk, high reward society.

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MicrowavedTea@infosec.pub ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Maybe you like the US because most media comes from there? If you feel you don’t belong in Germany you can try other cultures too. From there you have access to A LOT of countries just a train trip away. And at some point you could go to the US too to see what it’s really like.

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- searching_way@lemmy.world ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Yea I guess it really left an impression on me. Since I was a kid I never really consumed anything that’s not from the US. I constantly watched Nickelodeon, went to McDonald’s multiple times a week, and watched American late night shows. I only listen to American or Latino music. All products and online services I have are mostly American (or I try to only buy/import American products as much as possible). It always felt like the culture I could relate to if that makes sense
  
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iii@mander.xyz ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
US is a very big place with different cultures.

I always have this inner conflict of not knowing where I truly belong and what’s better for me/where I will be truly happy and feel more “home”.

I think you’ve spend a lot of time thinking about this, which I do too, sometimes too much :) Perhaps it’s possible to visit the US for a holiday, and find out if your expectations match experience?

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drmoose@lemmy.world ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yes and you should embrace this. Being cosmopolitan is truly freeing!

We live in a world where you can be anywhere you want within a day and not only that but be freely adopted to new cultures. Go to Mexico, Chile, Thailand, Japan - you can really live almost everywhere these days and be somewhat accepted as you are and partake in any societal activities. Contemporary people are really accepting despite what bait social media tries to portray.

There are also a lot of cosmopolitan peoples today and you’ll find them in every country be it expats or people who simply have a mindset of belonging to the entire world rather than their national identity. It’s a rapidly growing culture so try it out!

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Sunsofold@lemmings.world ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
That’s fairly common. Everyone wants to feel like they ‘belong.’ The trick is, it’s not a place. It’s people. There is an underlying culture in any place you find that is highly localized, even down to the neighborhood, but there are also always exceptions. You can find the sweet Berliners if you look, and the reserved, non-materialistic Americans, and the sober, minimalist Parisians. First, figure out your values. Then, find the others in your area who share those values. Unless you are living in the middle of nowhere, they’re out there.

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Sergio@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Check out youth hostels / Hostelling International. Basically they’re inexpensive dorm-like hotels mostly targetted at younger backpackers. The ones in LA and Boston are in great locations. About 12% of Americans are of German descent (cite) so ask around, you or a family friend probably have a distant relative who immigrated here at some point.

So: get a cheap plane ticket. Fly into a city with a youth hostel. Wander around for a while. Catch a Greyhound Bus to visit your distant relative in Iowa. Hang out with them for a while. Catch another Greyhound to another city with a youth hostel. Fly back. You will meet a lot of people in the hostels. You’ll meet a lot of people on the Greyhound. Look up stuff ahead of time, not just tourist stuff but concerts or clubs or sports events wherever you go to. Sure it costs money but it’s a hell of a lot more fun than a resort or a cruise or whatever. Wait, isn’t “wanderjahr” a German word? Anyway after you spend a month or two here you’ll know whether you still like us or not.

www.hiusa.org

hihostels.com

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostelling_International

www.greyhound.com
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some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
We’re not all that great. I mean, yes it’s a great place to do a road trip and there are some absolutely stunning aspects of nature to explore. But our culture is brain dead at this point. I love my corner of the country (SF Bay Area) but I hate that it’s connected to the states that vote against our interests because they’ve been so successfully manipulated by culture war and captured by religion.

I would have moved to New Zealand after our last election, as I’d planned to since finding out how awful so many of our citizens are during the pan years. It’s only that I unexpectedly found a partner and we started living together that I stayed. She’s a refugee because she was persecuted in her homeland for advocating democracy. As such, she couldn’t go with me to NZ. So now I try to ignore how shitty we are as a people and try to focus on the people near me. We’re going out to dinner tonight at one of my favorite restaurants. Hooray! (We have an embarrassment of riches in terms of food options in the Bay Area.)

Disclaimer: we don’t sound very similar. I would never own a truck or guns or go to a gun range and I hate country music. There’s a McDonald’s across from our building and I mock people who wait in line at the drive through on weekends because I think Burger King is far superior. What I’m saying is that I might not be the right person to advise you about the USA.

Good luck!

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- searching_way@lemmy.world ⁨19⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Lol I just had a dream a couple hours ago that I went to a Burger King cause the McDonald’s was too full and I preferred Burger King and Elon Musk was in there somehow XD
  
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  - some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I would relay recent dreams but I take a prescribed sleeping pill and that makes me not remember them.
    
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HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yes

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