Comment on I've heard it clears up again after the first wave of divorces

Lemjukes@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

• anivia@lemmy.ml ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  Depends how many bad experiences. If all your relationships were a bad experience, then there is a good chance you were the reason for that

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  • Speculater@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Line a guy I know who is divorced four times… Thinks he has really bad luck. Nope buddy. It’s you.

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    • peopleproblems@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      Give him a book called “Attached” by Levine and Heller. I doubt he’ll actually make any changes, but it’s a good way to tell him it’s him without you having to say it at all.

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  • Lemjukes@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Very true

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• TonyOstrich@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  The issue I have run into a lot is that they have the “wrong” kind of experience. Somewhat inline with the adage “practice doesn’t make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect”. I spent a lot of my teens and 20s being introspective, working on myself, and becoming the kind of person I would want to date. A lot of people I have had experiences with in my 30s spent a lot of that time in bad relationships creating reactive responses to various things rather than addressing the core issues or learning how to, and as a result they often have a lot of “bad habits” or expectations going into dating or future relationships.

  I have met more than one person that has said they need someone who can be patient with them while they heal and deal with their past, while also not necessarily wanting to, or being capable of, providing that same level of patience and understanding to a partner. That seems…uhhh not really appropriate or fair? But I’m the one that’s been single for quite a while, sooooo it’s just as likely I could be the one with my head so far up my ass I can taste my tonsils.

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  • TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    bingo.

    gist of most people who are terminally single is they aren’t capable of offering as much as they demand. so for anyone that is a bad deal.

    and being i relationship like that is draining and soul-sucking. i used to be depressed and suicidal in the past… because I as in relationships that were sucking my soul out. When I broke up, stayed single, and worked on myself… my life had value again and i was no longer depressed and suicidal.

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    • SharkEatingBreakfast@sopuli.xyz ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      I hate to say it, but I think that folks have taken advantage of “be patient of folks with trauma/mental illness/etc.” and turned it into “you HAVE to put up with me or else you’re an asshole who is insensitive to those with struggles.” And nobody wants to be “the guy who wasn’t supportive enough”.

      It’s okay to break up with someone if you are too overwhelmed by their needs, regardless of their trauma/mental illness. Staying will make both people absolutely miserable in the long run.

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      • TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

        yeah, been there too. i could never understand someone who refuses treatment/therapy/medication and then blames someone else for their struggles.

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  • Lemjukes@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Ding ding ding! The key is actually learning and growing from those bad experiences and bettering yourself as a result. A lot of people seem caught in the loop of searching for someone to make them better instead of looking for an actual partner.

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    • TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

      IME it’s that the more bad experiences they have, the more they demand an idealized greek god of a person as a partner and think anyone who doesn’t measure up to that fantasy. because it’s not their fault, it’s their partners for not ‘measuring up’ to their ‘standards’.

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• lightnsfw@reddthat.com ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  I’d rather be content by myself.

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• You_are_dust@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  No experience. All bad experiences means more potential for either a lot of unchecked baggage, that person is the cause of the bad experiences, or both.

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• RBWells@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  Bad experiences. No experience at my age would be a very bad sign. With my husband, we each had one crazy ex, then he had a couple of two year relationships that weren’t bad just sort of ran their course. Apparently when he met me he knew it could work out long term but I was afraid he was only good for two years, so just took it kinda slow, not sex-wise but relationship-wise. Waited two years to move in together (we both had kids so it was a good idea regardless) then he started making noise about getting married, I told him he could ask after we’d lived together two years.

  Best relationship of my life so far, we are both well aware how good we have it, because we have both had the bad times. His kids won’t even talk to their mom - in the divorce the courts gave him custody not just of his kids, but his step kids too, that is how bad she got, and she has not improved. My ex’s mom said if it came to it she would argue her son should not even have visitation, that’s how bad he got (we weren’t married so that part was easier). He has improved when he quit drinking, thank God and now sometimes hangs out, like at holidays, parties, etc.

  So I would argue for experience use but caution. Not someone with a string of crazy exes.

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• Banichan@dormi.zone ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  Is there a third option?

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  • Lemjukes@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    See above I guess lol

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