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Comment on ‘It’s quite soul-destroying’: how we fell out of love with dating apps

Here to offer hope and advice to anyone that’s given up. I’m a 52-yo American male and have knocked it out the park with dating apps. In the 4-years since my wife left, thank god, I’ve had 15-20 dates and 5 steady gf’s for a bit. Getting married 11/24 if y’all want to come!

Pro tips:

Post a variety of pics. Nothing controversial like guns, dead animals, any other women your age. Or your fucking truck/motorcycle/sportscar. If your Confederate flag bed sheets are really important to filter people, go ahead I guess. If the person you’re looking at does not have a wide range of pics, red flag. Women are great at glamour shots. Take the worst pic of the bunch and assume that’s what they look like IRL. Worst case, you’re pleasantly surprised. (Happened to me many times!)
Don’t be too judgmental. All you’re aiming for is a first date, see how it goes. What’s it cost a man? Dinner for two? Better yet, I dated a woman who said neither party should pay anything on the first date. If you don’t click, no one’s out anything. Go to a park, thrift storing, antique mall, whatever floats your boat. It costs nothing to walk around, talk and gauge each other’s interests and mutual attraction.
Sorry, but this bit can be expensive. Sign up for half-a-dozen sites. If you’re fishing, it’s best to bait 6 poles vs. one, right? Try the free options of course, see how it goes, but spread yourself around as much as possible. You never know. And that bears repeating. You never know what will happen. More on that shortly.
Keep initial communication short and sweet. Too much gets lost in text, too many misunderstandings. "Hey! Love ! ? Want to ? And then go on the damned date, and do it ASAP, before something stupid happens like a misunderstood text, other plans/dates cropping up, whatever. Just go. If I have to say, “Don’t be an ass and pressure for the date.”, you’re not ready for a relationship.

How I met my fiancé:

She hit me up on eHarmony. Gods that site sucks. Only date I ever got there. Blew her off because her pics were… not so great. She had nothing interesting to say about herself, barebones bio. 3-months later I’m revisiting and saw her “like”. “Yeah, what about this girl again?” She posted more about herself, and more attractive pics and here we are.

About the judgmental thing; If I knew then what I know now, the date would have been a hard NO. She’s a city girl (Manilla), never even been in the woods. No shit. Jealous as fuck, and I’ve spent 30-years saying that’s the one thing I won’t abide. She was a Christian preschool teacher at private school. Fuck all that nonsense. You get the idea.

But we click so hard it’s silly. I feel like I’ve landed some kind of fantasy girl. And she feels the same! 11/24/23, NW FL, you’re all welcome to the wedding.

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ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
To me, it sounds like you’ve neatly described why people have fallen out of love with dating apps.

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obinice@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

What’s it cost a man? Dinner for two?

If I could afford to pay for a stranger’s dinner out I probably wouldn’t be single, haha. I buy two takeaways a year as a special treat for myself, mainly for my birthday. That’s all I can afford.

No way am I paying for someone else’s food on a date anyway, this isn’t the 1940s, women and all other genders are equal to men and they need to put in just as much effort on a date as a guy does.

You don’t get a free lunch because you’re a woman, and if you’re the sort of sexist woman that demands that sort of thing I wouldn’t be interested in you anyway.

I hope I don’t seem overly harsh, I’m just tired of sexism in dating. It’s ubiquitous and gross.

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- KevonLooney@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  
  women and all other genders are equal to men and they need to put in just as much effort on a date as a guy does.
  
  You’re spending a lot of money and time on your hair, makeup, and outfit right? Probably asking friends for advice and thinking about it all week? Not eating the day of, so you look your best? Wearing expensive cologne and some shoes that make your butt look good?
  
  You’re doing all that right? I know you want to be equal and put in just as much effort, so you must be.
  
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  - pete_the_cat@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    I’ve been on like 5 or 6 dates from the few years I lived in NYC (it was right before COVID happened, of course). Not a single one of them looked like they went out of their way to prepare for the date. Usually just jeans and a nice shirt, or maybe a cute dress, but they didn’t get all dolled up like they were going to prom.
    
    If you want to spend a bunch of money, starve yourself, and do various other things so you feel that you look good, that’s on you, don’t expect the guy to pay for you just because you feel you’re owed it because of what you did. That’s really not much different than the guy who is like “I bought her a present so she should be willing to have sex with me now”.
    
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    KevonLooney@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    This comment is hilarious because you assumed I’m a chick.
    
    Hair, makeup, nails, and outfits are what it costs for a woman to just go outside, not to prom. A regular ass haircut can easily be a hundred dollars. I didn’t even mention all the skin creams that make you look “naturally beautiful”. Have you even heard of waist trainers?
    
    A lot of women, especially in NYC, are doing this regularly even when they don’t have a date. NYC is lopsided with more women than men. That’s how they get dates. If you know any women who don’t put much effort into their appearance, you start to realize they don’t go on many dates.
    
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  - feedum_sneedson@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    I literally track every calorie and workout every day to look remotely decent for women, yes. I have no hair, so that part is less relevant.
    
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    KevonLooney@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    That’s not expensive. And I do the same because it’s fun to workout. Tracking calories is like 10 minutes per day.
    
    It’s always the people doing the least who complain the most. You didn’t mention anything else, so I assume you don’t ask anyone for advice, don’t wear an expensive outfit, and don’t put on cologne. Hopefully you shower but you didn’t mention that either…
    
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khannie@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
Congrats man :)

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pete_the_cat@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
I did all that for like 7 years in NYC and what did I get? About 5 dates, not a single one turned into a second date. I thought I had one in the bag… Then she sent me a long text saying that she didn’t want to see me again because I made her “uncomfortable” at the end of the date, even though her body language or verbal language said nothing or the sort.

I moved back to Southern NJ a few months after that and ended up talking to a cute woman for a week. She was 42 and I was 37,we would send a few long messages back and forth, but I always kept it casual. I knew she was vegan because she had it on her profile. We went to a bar/restaurant and she was like “yeah I can’t eat anything here, I’m not hungry anyway.” We both got a drink and chatted for another 1.5 hours. Towards the end of the date she said “so you said you’re thinking about moving to Miami…” and I responded "yeah, but that’s up in the air right now, nothing is trying me to down there, and now that you’re in the picture, idk how that would work… " then she said " Oh, I don’t think I’m in the picture, we don’t have enough in common and I wouldn’t date someone that isn’t vegan. We had been talking for a week and she never mentioned that once. I just sat there, shocked, and was thinking “why did you agree to this then?” it wasn’t because of the free food or drinks (she had one hard seltzer) and she was like “So I guess this is it? I’m gonna head home, I’m tired”.

After being tired of the North East I moved down to Miami about 2 weeks ago! People are definitely a lot more friendly down here and I gotta get out of my NYC habit of leaving everyone alone because no one wants to talk to someone that they don’t know.

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- SCB@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  
  I did all that for like 7 years in NYC and what did I get? About 5 dates, not a single one turned into a second date. I thought I had one in the bag… Then she sent me a long text saying that she didn’t want to see me again because I made her “uncomfortable” at the end of the date, even though her body language or verbal language said nothing or the sort.
  
  Gonna be real dude, it’s not the apps, in this scenario.
  
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  - Katana314@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    Yeah so just stop interacting with people. "You’re creepy."™
    
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    SCB@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    The correct answer here is to
    
    A) be less creepy
    
    B) get better at finding people who like your specific brand of creepy
    
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  - pete_the_cat@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    We met up for drinks, we were heading home the same way so we waited for it to come together. Goy in the car, sitting next to each other. I put my arm around her and she cuddled into me. I pulled the move out slightly lifting her chin so she would face me and I French kissed her, and she happily responded. We stopped after a few seconds and sat there holding hands. We went off and walked about 500 ft to the next subway train, which was coming in 10 minutes. I joked “yay more time to make out” and she giggled. We preferred to make out, and add over does, they get a little handsy. She never said “stop”,*I’m done " or anything else. She was just there with a smile on her face. When he train came she pushed me off of her (I had her against the wall) and said “I can take it from here” and looked back and smiled at me.
    
    That was it, except from the previous 4 hours they we spent at the bar really getting to know each other.
    
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- echodot@feddit.uk ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
  
  I knew she was vegan because she had it on her profile. We went to a bar/restaurant and she was like “yeah I can’t eat anything here, I’m not hungry anyway.”
  
  I kind of feel like that there might have been the problem. Does loads of great vegetarian / vegan restaurants especially in New York. Like 10 seconds of googling to show that you actually paying attention to what she’s saying could have gone a long way.
  
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  - pete_the_cat@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
    I forgot to mention that this wasn’t in NYC, but when I moved back home to South Jersey. We never actually agreed on getting dinner, just meeting up at some place. I hadn’t been on a date down there in like 18 years so I didn’t know of a good adult spot, so I chose a place I knew that served both dinner and had a full bar. Also she didn’t live or work in my city, so I chose one of the few I knew that was on her way home (worked in one city but lived in another). I mentioned it beforehand and she agreed, if she didn’t like it she could have said so beforehand, everything isn’t up to me. It’s annoying when people agree to something then complain about it later.
    
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Katana314@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
The cost for the search is generally far more than money. It takes some time, yes, but it also consumes energy and mental health to absorb repeated rejections and expressions of fear. (I understand the fear, to an extent. Some men are genuinely scary, and can make someone very sour to future encounters) It also constantly judges your self worth as a person. Wise people can turn away the misjudgments of young fools, but often only so many times.

I’d probably consider going back if I could find hard evidence of some level of interest and commitment from anyone on any of those sites. I have never seen it before, and don’t expect to. One time I was on a tour in another country, and learned that the women in my group were putting themselves up on dating sites within the area, even though they were being bused around the country on the tour, and had no chance of ever meeting with interested parties. It was purely for the attention-seeking. I’ve decided my attention is not free, and it’s been a powerful move for my mental health - for the better.

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BravoVictor@programming.dev ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago
Congrats, dude. The advice is solid, and you really do sound as though you fell into something good.

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jjjalljs@ttrpg.network ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

Keep initial communication short and sweet. Too much gets lost in text, too many misunderstandings. "Hey! Love (something in their post that you’re seriously interested in, or why else are you contacting them)! (question about something you want to know about them)? Want to (go to the park, get coffee, go thrift storing, whatever)? And then go on the damned date, and do it ASAP, before something stupid happens like a misunderstood text, other plans/dates cropping up, whatever. Just go.

This is generally good advice. I would clarify that you shouldn’t ask them in in the first message

You should have at least one volley where you verify they can read and write, and clear any deal breakers you might be bringing to the table (have kids, enm, whatever). After they respond with interest, then you ask them out.

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