Comment on Americans: How the hell do you meet new people or get into relationships after college?
DarrinBrunner@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
For me, it was always through work. Meeting co-workers after work, and meeting other people that way.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
ameancow@lemmy.world 9 hours ago
This really needs to be said more often, I don’t know what’s going on out there but I see this “I can’t make friends” sentiment all over the internet, but out in physical space people aren’t just going to “click” with you, you have to put in effort, use judgement if you’re putting in the right effort for the right company, and you have to decide what you’re setting aside to invest in this goal.
“I don’t have time to do ____” surely applies to a lot of people and situations, but in my time coaching I always had to tell people that you don’t get good at something without making the time to actually work towards it, and making that time is always going to be a you problem. You have to decide if that 2 hours you spend “unwinding” after work is really doing you more good than hanging out somewhere and socializing or even just trying new things.
I get being tired, we’re all fucking tired. But it doesn’t fix itself, all you can really do is force your body and brain to adapt to new kinds of stimulus and activity, which it will readily, you just can’t have both… you can’t spend all your spare time gaming or scrolling and expect you’re going to also be able to instantly shift gears if someone calls you up to go have dinner or play airsoft or go hiking or something.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
Yep. I’m exhausted after work, but when I spend some time after work biking I find I’m less exhausted after work once I’ve gotten used to it. Then add social events and yeah, I might need a day of rest regularly, but I also need to get out and do stuff regularly.
Also, learning to flirt is hard and vital. You will make an ass of yourself. Eventually though you get good at it. I’m an awkward dweeb with crap social skills, and yet after learning to flirt and years practicing I’ve managed to find myself making out with strangers on nights out every once in a while. The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
ameancow@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
The best advice I’ve gotten and given about flirting, is to not think about flirting, don’t think about the relationship game, don’t think about outcomes or consequences, instead focus on being just a little more bold than you’re normally comfortable with.
Don’t even try it if you’re not already getting more comfortable chatting and hanging out with people. Flirting is just friendliness with confidence. You have to walk before you can run. It also helps to have at least one person you trust enough to tell you where you’re being weird or how you’re coming off to new people.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world 6 hours ago
I think starting flirting not expecting anything but practice is also valuable. I mostly flirt catch and release these days, and I think it’s best to understand that the goal is to learn to have fun with it. Even when married you should be flirtatious with your spouse, so learn to love it.
Wildmimic@anarchist.nexus 4 hours ago
I agree on this. I just commented on my AvPD, which makes social contacts … complicated (just look in my comment history).
I haven’’t been without a partner since i was 18. Im 46 now, and newly out of a relationship (but we had a good run). I never actually tried to flirt with anyone. The only thing i really did is to listen well, make appropriate compliments and give my input. I don’t even look good, I’ve been a fat fuck since childhood and a nerd on top.
dazzlingclitgame@lemmy.world 7 hours ago
This is really key. It’s fun to spend an evening getting to know someone! And if that’s your only goal for a date - you’re probably going to have more of a good time than not.
SolarMonkey@slrpnk.net 8 hours ago
Or you could live in a less urban area, specifically one where transplants are less common than people who grew up less than 30 min away. People who never left their home town, whose friend group also never left, still have all their friends from school and don’t need or want more. They don’t really want to be your friend even if you do click. You can meet them out dozens of times and have running jokes when you see each other, but they’ll never go out of their way to make or keep plans.
Everyone who moves to my current area says basically the same thing about how difficult it is to make friends here. People much more commonly get their friends hired with them than make friends with new people who get hired, so even that hasn’t been a super fruitful endeavor. Only people I’ve managed to make lasting friends with have also been from elsewhere and struggled.
That’s not to say people aren’t nice and welcoming, they are, they just aren’t welcoming into their social circles.
Wildmimic@anarchist.nexus 4 hours ago
I’ve been told the same thing from my aunt, which moved into the countryside with her newlywed husband long ago. She only got to get friends after her firstborn got into school - the 8 years until that time were very isolating, even with work contacts.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 4 hours ago
Yep. my city is like this. it is very dense and urban… but incredibly insular.
the only way to really connect with people is if they don’t have a tight knit friend group. the only friendships I’ve made that have lasted are with people like that… the people who have the knit groups fro years ago just don’t want to bother with anyone new or outside the group. i don’t understand it at all, like people will only socialize with people they went to college with… 5, 10, 20 years later and if you didn’t go to their college they don’t want to be your friend because you can’t sit around and reminisces about getting drunk together 10 years ago.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
the problem is people watch social media all day and expect everything to be easy and instant like it is on there.