I think that’s a completely universal feeling.
Is it weird to simultaneously feel love and hatred towards parents?
Submitted 15 hours ago by DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works to nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
Comments
happydoors@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
thelivefive@startrek.website 8 hours ago
It’s not weird. I would affirm yourself that they did not do everything right, and the things you’re angry about you have good reason to be. But let the anger and hate fade. They were probably trying their best. And the older you get the more you realize that we are all winging it. Now that you are an adult you can set healthy boundaries and interact with them on your own terms.
There’s some stockholm syndrome between children and parents and I think it’s natural to get angry as you move past that. But as an adult you can have a relationship with them where you see them more as flawed peers than omnipotent parents. Of course not everyone will want to have that relationship, but if you can and want to then I think it’s worth it.
GrayBackgroundMusic@lemmy.zip 11 hours ago
Not weird at all. It’s frustrating, though. I want a father who actually gives a shit instead of the sperm donor I got. I love the idea of a father and the 5% of the time he was decent. I hate the human I got.
palordrolap@fedia.io 9 hours ago
As I have said at least a couple of times in the past, I love my parents but I can't live with them. Small doses are fine, even pleasant. Heck, I visit most weeks, but long term? Nope.
mushroommunk@lemmy.today 15 hours ago
It really depends on why you hate them. Lots of parents truly care but are terrible at expressing anything other than commands. This can lead to a lot of tension as you grow older and begin to want more freedom.
My parents were abusive assholes. Mother was a classic narcissist who would make us compete for signs of her affection. I hate her completely for how she raised us, but recognize that part of her had to actually care as she did put a lot of effort into our education.
It’s a complex relationship between a parent and child.
DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works 14 hours ago
So my parents never did alcohol or gambling or drugs or smoking or anything like that, so I’m glad, but they are very emotionally manipulative and sometimes emotionally abusive. They did slapped my hands when I “misbehave” (emphasis on the quotes, because that “misbehave” is only from their PoV) but never hit any vital organ or anything like that, this was normalized in my country. When we moved to the US, CPS became a thing so my parents stopped using corporal punishment for most of the time, also, I got bigger so I could fight back, so they stopped doing it. But were still emotionally abusive. Like they’d keep throwing insults all the time.
But, they also sacrificed a lot to give birth to me. They violated the One Child Policy, and had to pay a large fine to get me legal papers from the PRC government, so that I could be added onto the US immigration visa, so I could come with them. And like, I never really starved or anything, like I had food and I had a place to live, and I had clothing, I had basic needs, but just never had any fun or entertainment, and I’d be bored all the time. And when I was in China, I was often left at home all the time, due to economic reasons which I do not really blame my parents for. In NYC, I remember just being constantly in school and afterschool programs so parents could work, and I just felt like I never really got to know my parents, and I never made much friends in school, so I’d feel lonely and isolated all the time.
I remember some parts of my childhood, some rare fun moments, but those memories are often overshadowed by the loneliness and verbal abuse.
On one hand, I apprecitate them for literally breaking the law and allowing me to have some sort of experience in this world, and a life that I never truely starved. I mean I enjoyed all the Movies and TV shows I manage to find online and some games I had access to. All the interesting info about the world, history, technology, science.
On the otherhand, I never got to… like… socialize, because of emotional abuse, I stuggled to have much friendships and fear going outside. It was hard to talk to people. Because a lot of my younger years were spend either indoors at home, or just “indoors” at school, short of rare occasions when my patents had time, I never really like done much of exploring the world.
And I think its also their fault for me having depression, because I mean getting yelled at all the time is gonna mess up your brain.
So that’s why I’m conflicted.
mushroommunk@lemmy.today 14 hours ago
Yeah, sounds like you’re starting to figure some things out for yourself. This is all natural and fine. You’re empathizing with the choices they made and trying to understand why but also recognizing issues you have.
Keep thinking and growing. You’ll do fine.
I also didn’t have friends growing up. It’s never too late, just can take more effort. I didn’t really start thriving until after college.
MuttMutt@lemmy.world 8 hours ago
Them sacrificing to have you is a copout. THEY made a decision and the result was your birth. After that they had a responsibility and I’m guessing they despised it. Then they took it out on you.
I’m assuming that your sibling was treated better/differently from you and given me opportunities.
Get some counseling and prepare to tell them that either the BS stops or you are moving on without them. This is especially important if you are already out on your own. All healthy relationships are give and take but the biggest key is healthy boundaries, if you set a boundary that abusive communication will to be tolerated and that you are prepared to move on without them they will be shocked and begin trying to argue with you and insult you. At that point walk away without saying a word. Break contact initially for at least a month and after that if they have contacted and seem apologetic make contact again with reinforce your boundary and the consequences.
If they truly care they will make an effort to be decent. If they continue being abusive the odds they are ever going to change is low and you then need to make a decision on whether or not their being in your life is something you want to continue with.
And go out and make some friends. Build a support system that will be there when you need it and understand that you also need to be willing to support them. I broke contact around 2002 and never got help or really made friends. I’m also very bad at dealing with people because of it.
naught101@lemmy.world 15 hours ago
Maybe? But I’d say it’s probably also quite common. Parent-child relationships are pretty intense at the best of times, and no one is perfect. No idea what your situation is, but it’s worth remembering that parenting is hard sometimes, and it’s easy to fuck up.
grranibal@lemmy.zip 8 hours ago
Image Uncontextualized, but your post made me remember about this comic. If you’d like the full context of the image: The Élan School (the focus of this comic is not a relationship with parents, though it is important in some chapters)
Peruvian_Skies@sh.itjust.works 11 hours ago
If it’s weird, then I’m very weird and sonare a bunch if people I know.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com 12 hours ago
Not really I don’t think. I appreciate everything my parents have done for me and continue to do for me but there’s also a lot about them that I don’t like. They’re not the type of people I aspire to be and I’m probably going to be dealing with the consequences of some of their bad decisions for a very long time.
HubertManne@piefed.social 12 hours ago
Its normal to feel a mix of emotions in all sorts of scenarios. My mother when looked at one way was incredibly competent and impressive but also aweful and petty. There is an ethical framework called the ethics of least harm but to take it one step further its best to strive for least harm and maximum benefit. Why this is needed is because all of us are to some degree good and bad and we can work to minimize the bad we do and maximize the good. The situation of life makes being zero bad or 100% good likely impossible.
Rolder@reddthat.com 12 hours ago
I’d say so. I love my dad so long as he keeps his fuckin mouth shut about anything related to politics, for example.
Comrade_Spood@quokk.au 12 hours ago
This has been my experience. Before I got old enough to develop my own political beliefs, my dad barely if ever talked about politics and he was a very supportive and loving father. Then I started developing my political beliefs and coincide tally that was around when Trump was running for his first term and it started going downhill from there. He was still and loving and supportive father, but his politics and mine did not align and that started creating a lot of division between us. Neither of us can handle talking about politics around each other, but it is becoming harder and harder to avoid.
Rolder@reddthat.com 10 hours ago
It was the same for me. It was becoming especially problematic when I still lived with him during the pandemic, but I moved out and it became much more tolerable. I visit once a week and he’s thankfully capable of holding it in for a couple hours
w3ird_sloth@lemmy.world 11 hours ago
That’s just family.
HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club 9 hours ago
Yes.
1984@lemmy.today 9 hours ago
I think its very complex. You have imperfect parents and you are kids wanting them to be different. So any relationship is not gonna be so easy, until you understand eachother better. That happens at maybe… 20…
aceshigh@lemmy.world 14 hours ago
Not at all. As babies they were the first people we tried bonding with and that connection doesn’t fade away. That innate feeling competes with hatred if they’re bad/abusive people.
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 14 hours ago
I love humanity but I hate humans.
bluespin@lemmy.world 14 hours ago
I would say the reverse but I think we’re expressing the same sentiment
orbituary@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 hours ago
I actually went back and forth. I think maybe it’s “I love humanity but hate society.”
NeilBru@lemmy.world 10 hours ago
Familiarity breeds contempt.
youCanCallMeDragon@lemmy.world 14 hours ago
Is there another way?
gilgameth@lemmy.world 14 hours ago
Absolutely not. I know they love me and they never hide it. But they’re shit at it. Also, they knowingly brought me into this shit-show.