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Comment on I'm on the spectrum. How do I live the rest of my life?

vestmoria@linux.community ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

I wouldn’t phrase it that way but if you must I’d concentrate on people. Societal expectations are not important to me, it’s not something I strive to follow. Where did you get that from? Societal expectations are a form of unconscious, self imposed control.

To you question,about people: what bothers and triggers me is people constantly asking why I don’t talk more, why they feel offended if I answer asking why they talk so much, also feeling offended if I prefer to do my pause alone instead of with them, the talking behind my back which to me equals being unauthentic, misidentifying lack of interest in their lives and wanting to simply do my job as hostility.

Other people are not important to me because I care about them (at least coworkers). They are “important” because I care how they can make my life difficult, the unnecessary drama they create, I don’t want a workplace where I have to fake interest in them so they don’t feel offended and start badmouthing you.

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Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

what bothers and triggers me is people constantly asking why I don’t talk more

I have developed an answer to such questions:

I play chess. If you know that game: when it’s my turn, there are many possible moves. I can make only one. I can think about many of the other possibilities, but usually not all of them. So in the end, I am going to have one answer to the question “why did I…?” Only one is needed. And I am going to have only a few answers to all the possible questions “why didn’t I…?”. Maybe two or three, sometimes maybe even five of these possible moves that I decided against. But there will always be so many more possible moves (about 30 by average), where I don’t know the reason why I didn’t choose to make them. And in real life there are even more possibilities what I could do. Every second I do a thing, and I don’t do so many other things… And that’s why that question “why didn’t you?” is so boring, and so useless.

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- vestmoria@linux.community ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  I’m sorry but I don’t quite understand your answer: are you telling me to start telling them about chess? because if you’re suggesting I think about several possible answers to prying questions well, I’m simply incapable of doing it fast enough. I’m glad you can, but I simply cannot.
  
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  - Zwuzelmaus@feddit.org ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    
    are you telling me to start telling them
    
    Not this time. It’s a theoretical answer to this kind of question. You decide if and when to use it.
    
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the_q@lemmy.zip ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Your description of authenticity and its importance to you is a societal expectation. The request of talking more from others is a societal expectation. The fact that you’re struggling in a system where you’re viewed as outside the norm is societal expectation.

People in general expect the world and the people they interact with to be like them more or less. Your coworkers do it to you and if frustrates you, but you’re doing it to them which frustrates them. You expect authenticity because you’re attempting authenticity and they’re expecting societal norms and are presenting societal norms.

You aren’t required to participate in their system, but it won’t be easy on you.

I do want to touch on something you said about societal expectations. You say they’re a form of unconscious, self imposed control. How is your authenticity any different? Autism makes it hard to think outside a tried and true path. That rigidity is difficult to deal with, but may be worth looking into. Regardless, being authentic will be difficult in most social spaces, but that isn’t an absolute. The onus is on both you and the people around you.

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- vestmoria@linux.community ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  wow, what a beautiful post.
  
  Autism makes it hard to think outside a tried and true path. That rigidity is difficult to deal with, but may be worth looking into.
  
  what do you mean ‘may be worth looking into.’?
  
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  - the_q@lemmy.zip ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help with managing symptoms and helping you make changes to lessen the impact others have on you and vice versa. I know you mentioned that mental health isn’t really something you can easily get help with, but there are sites and books you can check out at libraries that can at least put you on the right path. I will warn you though that the exercises and methods CBT asks of you will straight up make you angry and feel stupid. You’ll reject them as silly or tell yourself that you’re experiences are different so it won’t work for you, but I promise as someone who also felt that way it isn’t true. That rigidity I mentioned before is what will be fueling those thoughts and feelings so keep that in mind if you choose to look into the CBT.
    
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TheFunkyMonk@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Your personality is the problem, not the fact that you’re on the spectrum. I know plenty of autistic people who are very pleasant to be around, even those who are heavily introverted. If you put negative energy out towards people, they’re going to give it back to you.

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- vestmoria@linux.community ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  it’s not my job to entertain you.
  
  do you have the ability to listen to boring stories with a smile on your face?
  
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  - Azzu@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    I’m an autistic introvert and upvoted them. You really don’t see how you immediately go for personal attacks and derogatory behavior? You don’t need to tell people they’re being boring. You can just leave and not interact and thus not hurt their feelings.
    
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    vestmoria@linux.community ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    
    You don’t need to tell people they’re being boring.
    
    where did you get that from? I don’t tell them directly they bore me, that’s what I think as I imagine leaving.
    
    You can just leave and not interact and thus not hurt their feelings, and thus not have conflict with people.
    
    actually that’s not true: if extrovert A says something I don’t care about, I wait patiently till he ends it and I leave, he will feel offended (an extrovert explained this to me). I don’t understand it but apparently it’s like this.
    
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  - TheFunkyMonk@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Why even ask if you’re just going to deflect opinions you don’t like?
    
    Hope you get some help, dude.
    
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    vestmoria@linux.community ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    because some people here offer good advice
    
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- the_q@lemmy.zip ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  You’re assuming a lot from a few paragraphs, and in a way proving their point. The assumption that some autistic people are pleasant so it must be possible for many is just plain wrong. There are autistic people that can’t speak or that constantly scream and being around them is difficult with personality being meaningless in any interactions with them.
  
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  - Azzu@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    
    Your coworkers do it to you and if frustrates you, but you’re doing it to them which frustrates them.
    
    They openly admit to doing the bad behavior back to them.
    
    why I don’t talk more, why they feel offended if I answer asking why they talk so much
    
    There is no need to go for confrontation, asking why someone talks so little might just be a way of trying to include them in a group or getting to know them, and it sounds like OP just responds as hostile as possible. They could just say “I’m comfortable talking little” or whatever.
    
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    the_q@lemmy.zip ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    This is you making assumptions based on your perceptions. In fact it reads as a defense of their, the NTs, action’s through the lens of your experience meaning this is how you treat others and don’t assume any responsibility because you’re being “nice”. OPs response isn’t necessarily one they choose; it is likely a reaction, and while they do have responsibility in that type of response, it isn’t all on them. If someone comes up to you and slaps you across the face are you going to be like “oh thank you and nice to meet you”? It’s a bit of an extreme example, but the input onslaught that is social interactions to certain people may as well be a slap in the face. Again, you’re framing this whole issue from your own experience.
    
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    vestmoria@linux.community ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    
    There is no need to go for confrontation, asking why someone talks so little might just be a way of trying to include them in a group or getting to know them, and it sounds like OP just responds as hostile as possible.
    
    why is answering a question with another question confrontational? this is a boundaries issue.
    
    I can’t believe I have to explain this, but here it goes: if people talk much or less is purely subjective: what to introverted A is too much is for extroverted B too little.
    
    extroverted B asked from his subjective point of view, introverted A simply answered from his also subjective point of view.
    
    Why is this confrontational to you?
    
    it sounds like OP just responds as hostile as possible.
    
    wrong again, I calmly state that question. You seem to believe I start yelling at them or looking at them as if I wanted to hurt them.
    
    my main question to you is this: why is answering a question with another question confrontational? this is about boundaries.
    
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  - Steve@communick.news ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    
    Other people are not important to me because I care about them (at least coworkers). They are “important” because I care how they can make my life difficult
    
    It’s not much of an assumption. They basically said as much themselves. Autistic people can be dicks too…
    
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