re: 2. You’re wrong.
There, checked that box.
It’s pretty convenient for me that you only offered a one-line assertion, so I could reply with a one-line assertion!
This is one of those subjects where you can write an essay in reply or throw out simple phrases that might highlight some profound thing to those who are already on the other side of the issue from you.
And I’m sitting here with my family wanting to play a game with me, been with my wife for 25 years, so let me take a shot at very broadly and generally logic-ing my train of thought to love being a “real” thing and worthwhile:
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I am naturally a recluse computer nerd personality who doesn’t talk to anybody. Yeah I’m married but I have never personally asked a girl out, nor have any ever asked me out. Very lucky to have had her randomly find me on freaking ICQ of all things, and obviously our chats went well enough to meet up.
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I’m married, and it’s a whole social and legal construct, but I’m not talking about any of that stuff here. This is about the effect of relationships on the human psyche.
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Nothing is “real.” I look at the universe through what I think of as a “positive nihilism” lens. Things like meaning, purpose, love, justice, and others are constructs of our conscious minds, not features of the physical world (and yeah technically they kind of are part of the physical world because our brains are, but I think you get my meaning). The upside is that this can be a very freeing feeling. It is OK to figure out what you really care about and pursue that. But the downside is that you can very easily and very significantly limit your own life experiences due to nothing more than your own perceptions.
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Humans are a very social species. Belonging to families and tribes is programmed deep within us, even if we reject it (see my #1) or are ignorant of it and let it drive negative behavior (see political parties, sports teams, racism, etc).
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Lust is not bad. Let’s not be puritans. I don’t lust after everybody I love (eww) but I lust after my wife all the time and it’s awesome fun.
5a. Speaking of #5 there, an important underlying thing to remember is that you have to allow yourself to enjoy life and have fun. And yeah, it sounds like an empty platitude of a saying. “That’s what I’m trying to do every hour of every day” I hear my old self saying. Yeah but there are a lot of self-imposed limitations and assumptions that we don’t even realize we’re putting on ourselves. I mean, I’m a white male USian on Lemmy. I am keenly aware of how fucked up things are all over the place despite my locale not changing at all. Oh and I was raised by angry conservative Catholics. And those things only cover the guilt-based aspects of what you’re supposed to do. I think having a kid helps me keep myself balanced here. It would be evil and irresponsible to ignore the plight of other people, but it would also be pretty wrong and irresponsible to make my 8 year old’s world miserable just because they were born onto the same fucked up planet the rest of us were.
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The goal here is to improve the life experience of myself and those around me. There isn’t some ideal state where we have officially reached “love” status.
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To have the best effect on our psyches, our life experiences need to engage our senses and affect our environment. So I am talking about sharing the same physical space with loved ones and not just texting constantly or being super active on Facebook or whatever site. And I am not being an old luddite that thinks it should be this way (see #1). Digital communication is awesome, but generally the person to person connection is better as you involve more senses. Think of text -> call -> video call -> in-person visit, whether it’s to figure out something for work or to learn about the new baby in the family.
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Love isn’t just an emotion. It usually means having affection for the person, sure, but it is also a level of respect and a level of commitment to that person or people. And it is certainly not always selfless, but it can be. And there are degrees. There are plenty of friends’ children that we love and would do all kinds of stuff for. And we often do, and don’t ask for anything in return. And you might think this sounds like we could let friends take advantage of us. And to that I would say, that is an approach that puts negativity and greed foremost in your mind. What usually happens is that we go into the situation in a positive and generous way, and the psychological benefit that WE get is far greater than whatever time or money we spent.
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Our bodies run on feedback loops! It seems fairly ubiquitous that for so many of our daily actions, our body directs resources to get better at the things we do more of, and worse at the things we do less of. This goes for way more than physical strength. So it might sound stupid, but making the conscious decision “I am going to be better at loving X person, and better at loving and taking care of myself” and start letting that mindset drive your little decisions in one direction rather than the other, it can add up in small ways and start to snowball. So this is where the annoying circular sayings like “to be happy you must choose to be happy” start to make sense once you see it in action.
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So yeah, that has got to be enough typing for now. Loving somebody doesn’t mean they are perfect and that I never have a problem with them. And loving them unconditionally does not mean that I never try to get them to change their ways or improve something. It’s like the old saying “you get out what you put in.”
Disclaimer: If you need medication to keep some issue(s) under control, this advice is not meant as a magical “you can do it buddy” alternative to that. I am still on my medications for depression/anxiety and ADHD. So, loving others well is something I choose to do because it is best for me and those around me. However, it is a WHOLE LOT harder to act like I want to act when I am in pain and half asleep all the time.
Banana@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
At least your username is accurate.
Love isn’t something you can just show somebody and provide empirical proof of, you have to change your perspective to recognize it, because it’s everywhere.
You seem to be in a really not-great place emotionally speaking and that is probably preventing you from being vulnerable with people. Vulnerability is necessary to building deeper connections with people.
My advice whether you’re willing to hear it or not is to get used to feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable and open yourself up to people, or you will never build deeper connections.
Whether you believe me or not, I won’t be suffering, but opening up may help prevent further suffering on your part.
captain_aggravated@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
So your advice is to allow myself to be blackmailed. “If you loved me, you’d waste months worth of pay on a shiny rock I’m going to completely take for granted.” Fuck off.
Banana@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Did I ever say to buy someone a ring? I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and we don’t even know if we want to get married, so i am absolutely not telling anyone else whether they should get engaged. What I do know is marriage wouldnt change my relationship because marriage doesn’t make love.
Being vulnerable has nothing to do with money. Becoming vulnerable does mean opening yourself up to possible hurt, but nothing that good comes without taking some kind of risk. Being risk averse will keep you from getting hurt, but it would also serve as a barrier to one of the best things in life you could experience. Also, platonic love is a thing, this doesn’t have to be romantic yknow. It could be as little as telling a friend about your feelings.
Schadrach@lemmy.sdf.org 3 weeks ago
Apparently I married a unicorn. She explicitly didn’t want a diamond but a sapphire and explicitly didn’t want me to spend a fortune on it. Got her ring from an online jeweler on sale. Paid less than $300 for it. During the first Trump admin. We had talked about what she wanted and I found something close after shopping around. Then I held onto it for six months planning when to ask.