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i_dont_want_to@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 days ago
One thing that would make a creep a creep is a power imbalance of some sort. For this to exist if we’re only considering the age gap between adults, is if one adult is so young they’re being taken advantage of.
A 20 year age gap where the younger is early 20’s is creepy, because the younger’s lack of experience makes them vulnerable. A 20 year age gap where the younger is in their 30’s or beyond isn’t, because the younger likely has the maturity to avoid being taken advantage of.
Are there any other factors that would make this creepy, like you have influence over this person’s career? If not, then no worries! Enjoy dating.
blarghly@lemmy.world 5 days ago
I’ve heard this argument before, and I don’t think it parses. After all, we have power imbalances in relationships all the time. Men are typically stronger than women and can physically overpower them - are all heterosexual relationships therefore creepy? Should people only date others of similar levels of physical strength?
Suppose one person is a high earning investment banker, while the other gives schoolchildren piano lessons. Surely this makes a financial power imbalance? Should these two dating be frowned upon?
Maybe one partner is a highly intelligent physicist who works at the large hadron collider, while the other is, by all accounts including their own, kind of dumb. Is a power imbalance in intelligence creepy? But wait! What if the “dumb” partner is bad at academic thinking, but is brilliant at connecting with people, while our physicist has a touch of the 'tism and is shy and awkward - would this constitute a “creepy” power imbalance in social/emotional power?
Are stay at home moms all in “creepy” relationships because their partners control their finances?
Also, nevermind the fact that huge amounts of kink is based around power imbalances - being physically overpowered, being punished, being humiliated, being subservient, etc. It’s fucking hot. Power imbalances are for many a fundamental part of their attraction.
And even specifically with the age gaps, and age gaps involving young adults in particular - I have talked to so many young adults who adamantly defend age gap relationships. And after all, why shouldn’t they? They are adults. They want to date who they want, and they don’t want society judging their relationships as creepy, or judging their potential partners. Say a 19 year old guy has a thing for older women. So he goes to a bar, sees a smokin hot 35 year old, and goes to flirt with her. She thinks he’s cute and flirts back. They go to bed together and have a lovely time. How is that creepy? It’s not. It’s just two people having a good time together.
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 5 days ago
No, that still seems creepy.
blarghly@lemmy.world 5 days ago
Why do you think that?
Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 5 days ago
So, first off your example takes advantage of a common yet sexist belief, that men constantly want sex. Some definitely do, but that generalization has led to a general assumption that men cannot be raped or taken advantage of.
Society has a very different reaction when a female teacher has sex with a male student than when it’s a male teacher and a female student. Even though it’s the same manipulation occurring, we see people congratulating the boy on getting laid, but the poor girl was victimized.
Now, I’ll admit that your example MAY be totally fine if it is exactly as it plays out in your description: Young guy goes out, and really wants to bring a girl home. So he takes his chances with an older woman, has a one night stand, and everything is consensual. I can see that playing out and both of them being happy with how the night played out.
If they continue to have a relationship after that, it starts to get creepy. My kids are around the 18-21 range, and I have a few coworkers in that range as well. I get along with them all just fine, but we have so little in common, that I can’t even imagine being in a relationship with somebody at that age.
I’ve heard people argue “But younger women are objectively more beautiful than older women so why would anyone not want the youngest, prettiest woman they can get?” And to me that’s a clear sign of being a total piece of shit. Anyone who says that is looking for eye candy to look at and show off. This is not someone who cares about a woman’s thoughts and opinions. This is not someone who is looking for a partner. This is someone who sees a woman as an accessory to his lifestyle, and he wants to have the shiniest one in his neighborhood.
Any middle aged person in a relationship with someone in their teens or twenties is either actively manipulating the younger person, or at best, completely objectifying them.