Comment on Just an FYI

davidagain@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago

• ReginaPhalange@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago

  I need a linguist to tell me why this one feels strange, but if we switch the first line to Alien spaceship it seems better.

  source

  • davidagain@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago

    You’re right. I think it works better because it’s more consistent and poetry benefits from an economy of words, elimination of waffle, distillation to the most concise expression, particularly with haiku. But mode than anything, it benefits from being poetic, which your version does, thank you:

    Alien spaceship,
    Eerie light and booming voice:
    “SHOW ME THAT BUTTHOLE.”

    source

    • HeyThisIsntTheYMCA@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago

      Image

      source