Protip: if you know Satan’s Eyeball is coming, you can, uh, line the exit with a barrier ointment called Ilex. Just be careful not to glue it shut (petroleum jelly can help). If you are too late, there’s this great soothing ointment called calmoseptine (it’s desitin with a very mild topical analgesic in it) but it’s pink and stainy so wear a pantyliner with it unless you really don’t like that pair.

Source: former member of the nuclear taco club