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Comment on ‘If I switch it off, my girlfriend might think I’m cheating’: inside the rise of couples location sharing

naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

Vile.

I trust my wife, and she trusts me. We trust each other not to ask for stupid brain-poisoning shit that humans weren’t meant to have access to that could one day blow up horribly.

I don’t have her passwords, she doesn’t have mine. Our phones are locked. I could technically see what she’s doing online I suppose via traffic snooping in the router logs but the day I feel the urge to do something like that is the day I kill myself for having abandoned basic moral principles.

We’re apes, we have brains built for avoiding snakes in tall grass and finding water and berries. You poison yourself with surveillance, you feed your worst and most destructive impulses. Practice keeping secrets, practice being okay with not knowing. Trust isn’t surveillance, trust is knowing that if something fucking mattered you’d be told.

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yeahiknow3@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Uhhh, I trust her which is precisely why she has my passwords. Are you guys teenagers or something?

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- Dozzi92@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  I really think you nailed it and that folks here are either kids or never grew out of the high school mentality. It seems like they conflate trust issues with openness, and that you would only share with your spouse because your spouse doesn’t trust you.
  
  My wife has my location. My wife has had my location when I’ve gone to bachelor parties and done bachelor party activities. I doubt she looked at it. When I came home, I told her about things we did because we take an interest in one another’s lives.
  
  It really all comes down to efficiency. She’s an hour from home and I need to start cooking dinner soon? I’ll go grab the kids now and come home and get going. It just helps plan days and nights.
  
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- MellowYellow13@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Why would you want to give third parties access to your locations?
  
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  - yeahiknow3@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Are you saying Apple doesn’t have access to my location already? Like I’m some kind of secret agent?
    
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    MellowYellow13@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Third parties is plural
    
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- naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Yes we’re teenagers. We’ve been married 15 years, ceremony was when we were three.
  
  Privacy is important, have you never kept a diary? Do you film therapy sessions lest your partner not know what you discussed? Shit with the door open? You don’t need justification for wanting privacy, you need privacy so when you have a good reason for it nothing looks different.
  
  What if there’s an emergency?
  
  What if there is? Get help, that’s an insane fear to live with. If I am unconscious there’s nothing to do anyway, the hospital or whatever will find her details in my purse and call. What the fuck am I going to do, sit there watching the dot on the map and calling 000 if it stops moving? You are a lunatic, we have society to take care of us while we’re out and about and emergency beacons if you’re like camping beyond the black stump or sailing the Pacific.
  
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  - SonOfAntenora@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    If there’s an emergency it will be known regardless. Levels of paranoia that are not justified; how many emergencies have you been in where an Internet connected device is so important in the shortest amount of time? Or at all. No. You might need a phone. But not an app in particular.
    
    And for long term emergencies an fm/am radio is a better tool than the Internet.
    
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  - yeahiknow3@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    You sound like a teenager, no offense.
    
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    naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Very hinged lemmy comment.
    
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  - Usernume@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    I imagine this form of abuse is done by sociopaths that convinced their traumatised partners this is actually a good thing.
    
    All the people in this thread that they do it for years amd it’s normal? Sociopaths.
    
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    naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    My wife has done courses on warning signs for abusive relationships as part of some mental health first aid certification stuff.
    
    2 biiiiiig red flags are insisting on surveillance and not letting people have separate finances. We have a combined account sure, and also pocket money accounts and whatever else. For all I know she’s set up a trust. I mean I don’t think she has because she’d probably tell me but she has the freedom to do so.
    
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HoopyFrood@lemmy.zip ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

I don’t have her passwords, she doesn’t have mine.

Having the means for each spouse to get the others passwords can be pretty essential when dealing with critical emergencies and death. It’s good to have some way for someone you trust to get your online accounts when you pass away so that everything can be concluded and canceled and sentimental content preservation and all that.

For my relationship the means to gain access to my password manager are available in the case of an emergency. Maybe shove the credentials in a bank security box and put access to it into your will if you don’t feel you can trust your partner with the knowledge while you are alive.

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- Bytemeister@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  
  Having the means for each spouse to get the others passwords can be pretty essential when dealing with critical emergencies and death.
  
  I wa actually thinking about this. After I had a password breach, I wanted to setup a password manager. I wanted something. That I could host locally and access across my VPN. I also thought it would be neat to have a Deadman switch built in to it, where it pings you at set intervals and asks you to just hit a button to confirm you are alive. If you miss a certain number of pings consecutively, then it emails your specified backup contacts and has allows them to access your passwords.
  
  Is this anything anyone here is interested in? Or does it exist already?
  
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  - Old_Bald_Bloke@feddit.uk ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    I’ve got an old fashioned paper notebook with everything “important” written down, this is locked in a small fireproof box
    
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- naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Obviously we have wills lmao
  
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douglasg14b@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
It’s only vile when you project insecurities or bad intent…

We both know each other’s passwords for everything. We use a shared database for it. We both know each other’s phone, unlock codes and often through laziness will just use each other’s phones for shit. We shared the same bank accounts, we don’t have separate money. We shared the same vehicles…etc

We also both have each other’s location. What do we use this for? Essentially nothing except when one of us is traveling, or someone is feeling neurotic/worried. The peace of mind knowing that your significant other didn’t just die in a car crash part way to their destination and are still making progress is significant.

We don’t hide things from each other. We are completely transparent, and you know what this has helped build? Trust. Know what it has torn down? Insecurities.

Would recommend.

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- psivchaz@reddthat.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  I’m exactly the same. I get that it’s not for everyone. I understand that, and respect it. But I hate people framing this as you having a trust issue.
  
  It’s the opposite of a trust issue. I trust my wife to be responsible with my bank accounts. I trust my wife to see my location because I also trust my wife to only bother checking if she has a reasonable reason to do so, and to not be a weird paranoid freak if I’m somewhere she doesn’t expect. I trust my wife with the password to all my online accounts because it’s easier to just share a Bitwarden than it is to segregate everything, and I completely trust her to not invade my privacy.
  
  The thing is, our lives are online. If I get hit by a bus or something, I don’t want her to have to deal with my death while ALSO figuring out how to convince banks and insurance companies and whatnot to let her in. Much easier to just share my Bitwarden with her.
  
  I’m not in some panopticon, worrying “Oh no, what will my wife think about me being within 500 yards of an ex’s house” or whatever because I totally trust her to trust me. It’s just not an issue.
  
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- bluesheep@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  
  The peace of mind knowing that your significant other didn’t just die in a car crash part way to their destination and are still making progress is significant.
  
  Bless you but the moment I start being afraid of my partner dying everytime they leave the house will be the moment I’m getting back in touch with my psychologist.
  
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  - douglasg14b@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    You’re kind of putting words in my mouth here.
    
    I didn’t say that I’m afraid of him dying every time they leave the house, you said that.
    
    I’m afraid of them dying when they’re traveling 20 hours. Or over a mountain pass. Or various other reasons. They travel a lot and I get worried that’s just how it is.
    
    When calculating travel costs, I also dug up some statistics and figured what the chance of crashing, injury and death were based on how much driving we do on an annual basis based on national averages.
    
    I actually thought knowing that would make me less stressed about all the travel but it didn’t help because the numbers are kind of depressing.
    
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    Dozzi92@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    These same people who are suggesting you live in fear of your partner dying are also afraid their partner might find their porn collection. It’s staggering. To describe location or password sharing as “vile” just puts into perspective the kind of people you’re talking to.
    
    I knowy wife’s phone password, must have trust issues. Or we go on car rides and her phone is connected and the kids want me to put a song on. Should we pull over so she can unlock her phone? Vile.
    
    Too many folks think it’s to keep tabs on people, because that’s presumably how they’d use it, they’d sit there and watch it.
    
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  - yeahiknow3@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Imagine being this sanguine about death. I genuinely envy your naïveté.
    
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  - beastlykings@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    Never went to work in a snowstorm? Or heavy rain?
    
    I’m not OP, but my wife and I share locations, it’s endlessly convenient for coordinating. Never abused.
    
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- panicnow@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  I’m in the same place as you with my spouse, but we didn’t start with not trusting each other. I just never worry about my spouse knowing things about me—I cannot imagine what I wouldn’t tell her anyway.
  
  My spouse has (multiple) physical journals lying around the house. I would never read them—she doesn’t worry about hiding them.
  
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  - Dozzi92@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    I hope you wouldn’t invade her privacy, but I have no problem popping into my wife’s Gmail (I’ll ask her first), because some camp or school only sent something to her related to our kids that needs to be addressed. And there could be ten emails there from dudes names I don’t know and I wouldn’t care because I trust my wife implicitly. I would let her do exactly the same, I don’t keep my shit on lockdown because I’m worried she’ll see my Google search history.
    
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- YerLam@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  You were so untrusting you had to go to those lengths to make it so there is no way to lie to each other and you say that’s a good thing?
  
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- naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Therapy would be better for you than a panopticon.
  
  What if your partner wants to run away from you? Do you not trust that they would have a good reason?
  
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  - Evil_Incarnate@sopuli.xyz ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    All they would have to do is turn location sharing off, and change passwords. More likely they would talk about it and agree to split rather than just run off. You know, like adults.
    
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    naevaTheRat@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    You are obviously not a woman.
    
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  - dreadbeef@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    You’re literally inventing scenarios.
    
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