I figure I’ll make a post about this as an extension of my usual mental release, HAH! My wife is going on a four day vacation so I’m dreaming of escaping, but unfortunately, this is about as far as I can afford to go.
Anyway, the dream is two fold, If I realize I can’t make it, then the blue area is all I am able to afford (when my allowance permits), but if I am capable of making enough for the return trip, then the red is my most desired route (AKA, where I can grow ferns outside, and where I had the most fun during the last times I was capable of traveling. I still, very vividly, see the Adiantum pedatum growing wild along a trail in Pershing State Part in Missouri in 2016).
Unfortunately, my home life is not the greatest for learning new tricks, and my skills are extremly lacking in anything non-physical related. Plus my chronic pains, I just don’t know what this old damn body can do, so i dream every once in a while, HAH! It’s like window shopping, except with ferns, HAHA!
Teotl, I miss traveling. Pppp! But that job was my last possible effort, and I let the stress and my wife’s anger to make me drop it. Eh, I had a lot of fun on those trails. Pershing State Park, MO, Bobwhite State Park, IA, Weldon Springs State Park, IL, and Copper Breaks State Park, TX…Oh hell, Copper Breaks, almost passed out from low blood sugar because once I started finding Pellaea atropurpurea growing along a trail, I went absolutely crazy with sheer joy, HAH! There were so many. It was beautiful.
Ok, I’m done. I need to stop dreaming now, HAH!
intensely_human@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Blink twice if you need out of the marriage and don’t know how to do it. Traveling to a place for four days and and growing ferns there isn’t compatible. Do you need help?
ChamelAjvalel@lemmy.world 3 months ago
Oh I definitely need to get out, for both my mental and physical health, and I know it’d take longer than four days til I’d be able to grow ferns, heh.
However, I do know what I’d need, as I’m in a unique position that it’d take only a week to two weeks to know if my body and mind are still capable of holding a job. However, I would definitely need to start making money ASAP, as my health really needs certain foods at regular intervals (thanks to desperation and seeing a doctor before I was fully able to afford it, to which the meds she prescribed for chronic pain seriously messed up my digestive system and quite possibly exacerbated the damage to my respiratory system by a lot).
The key is finding a job that my broken body and broken mind can even have a chance to do. I need to be far enough away in a completely different environment. I need to have a comfortable bed, couch, cot, whatever that’s not on the floor/ground, and a place to shower and go to the bathroom. As well as electrical for a small burner to cook food. Unfortunately, I do believe I need to be alone (Which, I’m totally fine with camping as long as I can get a bed off the ground and a large enough tent for it. I have most other things that I’d need), and any job I get would definitely have a flexible schedule so I could find the best hours for my broken body.
If I was even half healthier than I am now, I’d be gone, heh. Alas, I am not…OOooooow, my back, knee, belly…OOooooow! Meh, at least I get to sleep on a bed for the first time in two years for at least the next four days, YAAAY! HAH!
intensely_human@lemm.ee 3 months ago
Also, I assume this is something where you don’t feel safe just leaving when your wife is there.
It helps me to understand what precisely is the mechanism by which this would go wrong, if you just told her “I’m leaving”.
Can you describe that? The reason why it has to be when she’s away?
Even if it’s psychological, it’s worth articulating.
I can connect you with people who run men’s groups online, if that would be helpful for you in establishing a support network.
The key thing to remember is that you are worth it. You’re worth causing trouble and making waves over. I’m willing to dedicate some time and energy to helping you. I don’t have much to spare. Mostly connections and knowledge are what I can offer though, moreso than time and energy.
I finally got out of a long relationship which I had thought was going to last until my death. I was resigned to an unhappy, unfulfilled fate. Then I got out, and boy has it been hard. But worth it! SO WORTH IT.
I am myself again. I would be honored, if this is what you need, to help you find that in your own life as well.
intensely_human@lemm.ee 3 months ago
What kind of support network do you have? Do you have anyone with whom you can discuss this offline, who will support you?