Comment

exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

There are qualities about myself that I really like to be present in the people in my life (including my wife, and previous partners I’ve had): smart, empathetic, funny, fun, interesting, charismatic, confident.

There are also qualities in myself that I need to actively rely on others in my life to help me mitigate, and that I don’t like to bring into my own life: disorganized, absent minded, easily distracted. I like for the people in my life to be the opposite. Also in terms of physical attraction I am a man who is attracted to women, so I want the “opposite” of myself in that respect, too.

And there are qualities that I don’t have, that I really like for my partner to have: kind, emotionally supportive, spontaneous.

There are qualities about myself that I don’t much care one way or another whether my partners or my friends have: extroverted, athletic, technically minded.

And when talking about actual interests and hobbies and background and experience and knowledge, there’s a lot that I like to see that are true of myself, and a lot that I like to see that aren’t true of myself.

Ultimately, a partner is going to have some overlapping things with yourself, some differences, and the question you have to ask yourself is whether you’re a good fit for each other. That answer is going to depend a lot on different things.

source

Sort:hotnew top

krooklochurm@lemmy.ca ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
If you are not kind or emotionally supportive you a) have no right to expect the same from a partner and b) probably shouldn’t have one.

A partnership requires emotional support from both partners. To expect this to go one way is fucked up.

source
- exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨12⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Nope, I reject the idea that only emotionally supportive people are deserving of love. These aren’t binary traits, and many of aren’t as good at providing comfort in emotional situations for our own reasons:
  
  People who are themselves easily affected emotionally may not have it in themselves to step up right in the moments where someone else might need it.
  
  People who struggle a bit to respond with the same emotions as others might tend to be less able to provide emotional support for someone experiencing a thing they can’t relate with.
  
  To borrow from the love languages concept, some people provide support in ways that aren’t easily understood as such by the recipient. Perhaps more importantly, not everyone who gives love in a particular way prefers to receive love in that particular way.
  
  I know I’m good at providing encouragement when things are going well (gunning for a promotion, trying to win a sporting competition, trying out stand up comedy for the first time), while being less able to provide emotional support when things are sad for other people (death of loved one, illness, other loss, plain old anxiety or depression). I’ll try to make it up with the other stuff (mostly doing things for people, sometimes just being present), but I’m not going to pretend that I’m actually a shoulder that anyone would choose to cry on. And yet I have enriching and fulfilling relationships with plenty of friends, family, and a wife who doesn’t actually ask that of me, who knew this about me long before we got married, and occasionally joked about my robotic ways. Our kids go to her when they want to cry about something, and they come to me when they want me to take some action that would alleviate the issue that made them sad in the first place (first aid, fixing broken shit, simply being hungry). I’d go as far as to say we make a great team and family unit.
  
  I am who I am, and I still deserve (and receive) love. I think the way you look at things is too narrow and would condemn like the 75% of people who are bad at this stuff to a life forever alone, which is not very reasonable or empathetic of you.
  
  source