Comment on Is it weird to simultaneously feel love and hatred towards parents?
mushroommunk@lemmy.today 1 day ago
It really depends on why you hate them. Lots of parents truly care but are terrible at expressing anything other than commands. This can lead to a lot of tension as you grow older and begin to want more freedom.
My parents were abusive assholes. Mother was a classic narcissist who would make us compete for signs of her affection. I hate her completely for how she raised us, but recognize that part of her had to actually care as she did put a lot of effort into our education.
It’s a complex relationship between a parent and child.
DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
So my parents never did alcohol or gambling or drugs or smoking or anything like that, so I’m glad, but they are very emotionally manipulative and sometimes emotionally abusive. They did slapped my hands when I “misbehave” (emphasis on the quotes, because that “misbehave” is only from their PoV) but never hit any vital organ or anything like that, this was normalized in my country. When we moved to the US, CPS became a thing so my parents stopped using corporal punishment for most of the time, also, I got bigger so I could fight back, so they stopped doing it. But were still emotionally abusive. Like they’d keep throwing insults all the time.
But, they also sacrificed a lot to give birth to me. They violated the One Child Policy, and had to pay a large fine to get me legal papers from the PRC government, so that I could be added onto the US immigration visa, so I could come with them. And like, I never really starved or anything, like I had food and I had a place to live, and I had clothing, I had basic needs, but just never had any fun or entertainment, and I’d be bored all the time. And when I was in China, I was often left at home all the time, due to economic reasons which I do not really blame my parents for. In NYC, I remember just being constantly in school and afterschool programs so parents could work, and I just felt like I never really got to know my parents, and I never made much friends in school, so I’d feel lonely and isolated all the time.
I remember some parts of my childhood, some rare fun moments, but those memories are often overshadowed by the loneliness and verbal abuse.
On one hand, I apprecitate them for literally breaking the law and allowing me to have some sort of experience in this world, and a life that I never truely starved. I mean I enjoyed all the Movies and TV shows I manage to find online and some games I had access to. All the interesting info about the world, history, technology, science.
On the otherhand, I never got to… like… socialize, because of emotional abuse, I stuggled to have much friendships and fear going outside. It was hard to talk to people. Because a lot of my younger years were spend either indoors at home, or just “indoors” at school, short of rare occasions when my patents had time, I never really like done much of exploring the world.
And I think its also their fault for me having depression, because I mean getting yelled at all the time is gonna mess up your brain.
So that’s why I’m conflicted.
mushroommunk@lemmy.today 1 day ago
Yeah, sounds like you’re starting to figure some things out for yourself. This is all natural and fine. You’re empathizing with the choices they made and trying to understand why but also recognizing issues you have.
Keep thinking and growing. You’ll do fine.
I also didn’t have friends growing up. It’s never too late, just can take more effort. I didn’t really start thriving until after college.
MuttMutt@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Them sacrificing to have you is a copout. THEY made a decision and the result was your birth. After that they had a responsibility and I’m guessing they despised it. Then they took it out on you.
I’m assuming that your sibling was treated better/differently from you and given me opportunities.
Get some counseling and prepare to tell them that either the BS stops or you are moving on without them. This is especially important if you are already out on your own. All healthy relationships are give and take but the biggest key is healthy boundaries, if you set a boundary that abusive communication will to be tolerated and that you are prepared to move on without them they will be shocked and begin trying to argue with you and insult you. At that point walk away without saying a word. Break contact initially for at least a month and after that if they have contacted and seem apologetic make contact again with reinforce your boundary and the consequences.
If they truly care they will make an effort to be decent. If they continue being abusive the odds they are ever going to change is low and you then need to make a decision on whether or not their being in your life is something you want to continue with.
And go out and make some friends. Build a support system that will be there when you need it and understand that you also need to be willing to support them. I broke contact around 2002 and never got help or really made friends. I’m also very bad at dealing with people because of it.
DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
I think this just boils down to the philosophical debate. Western Culture, its the parents that owes the child everything. In Eastern Culture, its the child that owes the parent everything.
I don’t even know, I mean logically, I kinda don’t hate being a human.
Sorry for getting a bit spiritual, but like if I didn’t get incarnated as… well… me, then, either, if we go the pure scientific route, I never exist and couldn’t experience the few thing I enjoyed.
But even if we go the spiritual route, its really a coinflip of if I end up being reincarnated in North Korea, Afghanistan, or actually have a decent life in like Norway. Or I could just become a rat and die instantly. So like… idk.
Going by the scientific definition, “I” would’ve never existed… so… idk… I don’t like suffering either, but I can’t say I didn’t have moments of existence I enjoyed.
So yea, its just a philosophy debate that has no real answers.
As for “go out and make friends”, let wait till this administration has ended, don’t want my face pushed into the pavement.