I’m in the middle of a psychotic break (since November 2024, and yes, the collapse of the US is a factor) and off and on suicide watch.
Here’s an exchange I’ve actually had (more or less, paraphrased) more than twice these last three months:
🥼📋👓🩺: In the past week, have you been having thoughts about killing yourself? (Another version is “How recently have you thoght about ending your life: a) less than a year, b) less than a month, c) less than a day, d) today.”)
🐰🎩🫖☕: Oh sure. Every day. Hourly.
🥼📋👓🩺: What!?
🐰🎩🫖☕:Yeah. For me this is Tuesday. The brain is always considering heading to check-out. I have a numerical scale of one-to-ten for suicidality the way we do pain assessments.
🥼📋👓🩺: I…see?
🐰🎩🫖☕: It’s fine! Ambient unlife stuff is at a S-3, like “shit I need to get to bed so my boss can scream at me early tomorrow. If that bus careened through this crosswalk, that problem would be so resolved.”
🥼📋👓🩺: …This is normal for you?
🐰🎩🫖☕: Routine. At S-5, I may look around for wandering death opportunities. I don’t talk to anyone about it until about S-6 and start having fantasies of getting proactive, at which point I might tell my therapist if she isn’t squeamish. (A lot of therapists are hair-trigger and will start threatening involuntary committal with any noise of suicidal ideation)
🥼📋👓🩺: Maybe you should…
🐰🎩🫖☕: It’s gotta be an S-8 or S-9 before I’m going to inconvenience a hot-line operator or crisis counslor. By then I’m looking at chemistry sets on Amazon. A fun game is trying to cross a hundred busy intersections in two hours. I’ve won so far.
🥼📋👓🩺: You can’t just…
🐰🎩🫖☕: You can’t just charge death head on. A million years of evolution will drop you before you commit. You gotta sneak up on Death. Icarus, not Heracles.
🥼📋👓🩺: < 🎩 gibbering noises >
cRazi_man@lemm.ee 3 days ago
You know you shouldn’t joke about these things. These are very serious matters. You’re very luck and privileged, but some people really struggle. We’ve tried our best to provide you with everything and give you a comfortable life, but don’t forget how hard others have it. You don’t appreciate all this or appreciate us. We still need to talk about your grades by the way.
justsquigglez@lemm.ee 3 days ago
Mom?