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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Fatwife43 on 2023-09-26 15:12:42.

Husband (38M) & I (43F) have been together 13 years. He’s always been a bit neglectful & temperamental but I used to attribute it to our age difference. When we met I was 30 with more life experience; started to work/date at 15, financially responsible & living alone. He was 25, started to work/date at 21, lived with his mom who would wake him for work with coffee & a packed lunch. His communication is apathetic at best. He doesn’t text/call, hardly talks, never compliments, never even likes a social media post. He literally copied his wedding speech from a friend, who was at our wedding.

After marriage his temper got worse, from foot-stomping/muttering, to screaming insults, throwing things, full tantrums. On good days he does nothing. Literally nothing. I’ve tried to encourage him to get a hobby, game, go out, go on his phone, anything, but anything I suggest is childish/stupid. He just sits, stroking his beard, blank staring.

I get 1 hour to talk to him each night, from chats to important concerns. Nearly every night after eating he falls asleep in the chair while I’m talking, as early as 6pm. I find this so disrespectful. It makes me feel boring/irrelevant. I’ve mentioned this and asked him to rather just say he’s tired and go to bed, sometimes he tantrums, sometimes apologizes, most times blames me for “not allowing him to sleep”. We have separate rooms. I tried telling him when to go to sleep but it felt like I was mothering him so I asked him to please just gauge his own sleep needs. On the few nights that he went to bed I was happy/encouraging, but after 1-2 nights it’s back to usual.

For years I thought he had depression, he lost it when I suggested that, used depression as an excuse for toxic behavior for ages, refused counselling, blamed me, then laughed at me about it. It got hurtful so I gave up trying to help.

I mentioned separating. He gets aggressive/insulting, then sobs promising to put effort in. ‘Effort’ is a generic 1-line text, 5min backrub & clean dishes. This lasts 1-3 days max.

Now last year my mom passed away. He was unsupportive and actually very cruel about it. My friend came to stay for bit and got to witness a mantrum. She pointed out some of his worrying behavior towards me. I was embarrassed but it made me see him in a new light. Since then I have grown more resentful. His temper/apathy used to scare/hurt me, now I just find it repulsive/pathetic.

Last night I was talking about something important, he fell asleep again and I lost it. I called him a selfish PoS and said I want a separation. He shouted, then pouted “my tone threatened him”, insulted me- I’m too “old and fat to find anyone else”, sulked I “don’t allow him to sleep”, I’m “punishing him for a problem I made”. He then said IATA for “threatening divorce over a biological need” and went to bed. So, AITA?